answers

Day 150 – Food for thought on Friday

February 19, 2010 0 Comments

Eleven Weeks, three days. Day 82 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Something that ran through my mind this morning as i waited for the gym to open…

Why when you are hungry before you fall alseep, do you wake up without an appetite… Yet when you head to bed as full as a goog, you wake up starving?

On another note, as i was waiting at the gym, i found myself worried once more… I shouldnt be, everything will be fine, but there just seems to be that inkling of fear that i cant get rid of. There is but 4 sleeps until my twelve week scan, and yes i am truly blessed, but i cant help but to be scared, this is everything to my husband and i, we are in deeper than we have ever been before…. And i want nothing more than for this to just be perfect…

And all i hope is that my weekend will pass quickly and that more dreams will become reality next week.

FEAR is an acronym in the English language for “False Evidence Appearing Real Neale Donald Walsch

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: answers, emotions

Day 149 – Frustration, argh! I had been doing so well…

February 18, 2010 0 Comments

Eleven Weeks, two days. Day 81 in the quest to chase our little miracle

To be honest i have a weee lil bit of a temper… My sister and i call it the “Bowen trait” and we have always said that any man that can put up with a Bowen is a keeper, and well we have both found our keepers… And after last night i am not sure my keeper really knew what he was in for when he said “I do”!

It is a fact that sometimes my frustrations get the better of me and i will just get so angry and overwhelmed and something i am doing or a situation that i have put myself into that i just have to stomp or yell it out…

And last night i shocked myself, because for the first time in my pregnancy i got all worked up and frustrated, and i honestly couldnt help it! I tried not to get upset, i tried to be calm, but i couldnt, i just got so annoyed at the situation – and it really started worrying me.

This couldnt have been good for lil george, getting so worked up inside? I asked myself how do i stop? And last night i did something i dont usually do. I gave up. I shut my computer, got a bowl of ice-cream, and gave up… I went to bed without a solution. I have NEVER done that in my life! I always go to be with solutions, and i always finish what i am doing, and i never emotional eat… But i did.

I think last night this was a wise decision, but i dont want to be the person who gives up… I want to conquer and succeed! I want to find a solution to my challenges.

So my question this morning is not how to avoid the frustration, because we all know that is impossible, it is how on earth do i stop myself getting so worked up and find a solution that is not giving in? How do i control the uncontrollable? How do i realise i am in the middle of a situation that can only be solved when i am calm?

I need to be the one that succeeds, but now i need to be the one that doesnt get so frustrated and angry first…

Our frustration is greater when we have much and want more than when we have nothing and want some. We are less dissatisfied when we lack many things than when we seem to lack but one thing. Eric Hoffer

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: angry, answers, Baby, Beliefs, emotions, Frustrated, hormones, questions

Day 146 – 17 hours to debate this? Parliament – what a sham!

February 15, 2010 0 Comments

Ten weeks, six days. Day 78 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I love where i live, “beautiful one day, perfect the next” – that is Queensland, Australia for you. I have always loved living here and i think the only move i will ever make will be to the sunshine coast (about an hour from where i live now)…

But earlier this week as i listened to the radio i had to agree with what they were saying… We are so far behind, and i dont know much about politics but as i listened to what our MP’s were saying i was disgusted!

It took our parliament a whole 17 hours to decide to make surrogacy legal in Queensland, that is right you heard it, before wednesday last week surrogacy was illegal in my state. And my disgust doesnt come solely from the fact that it was illegal, it came from the fact that it took 17 hours for these people to make a decision, and not only that, some of the “facts” or “reasons” behind keeping it illegal, well i say send them back to the middle ages, and stone them to death!

These are the people who are suppose to represent us, these are the people who are meant to stand for current times and current society, they are the people who are meant to accept what is acceptable, they are meant to represent our future, and here they are debating something that i believe should have been made legal as soon as the technology was avaliable…

But nooooooooooooooo…. These people, 40 out of the 88 votes, are so far up there own asses they were coming up with reasons (from what i have heard) such as “gay couples ordering children like pets” or “same sex couples not being able to take their child to a public bathroom” or my favorite so far “This is an assault on the deepest relationship between a mother and child.” (abc.net) or what about “People have no idea the cultural implications of the state decreeing that a man and another man – or just a man on his own – is identical in law to a mother and father from a child’s perspective”

WTF?

“The opposition is adamant that same-sex couples and single parents must be excluded from any reforms to surrogacy arrangements. Some church and family groups agree, saying the reforms, as they’re currently proposed, will threaten the traditional family model and normalise same-sex parenting.” (brisbanetimes.com)

WTF WTF WTF?!?!?!

What is my state coming to? What about just having a family that loves a child? What about giving same sex couple a CHANCE to fit into society, give them a chance to become the norm… As the radio station said, it is like saying that non Caucasian people dont have the right to children… And the truth is EVERYONE has the right to be a parent, i dont care who you are, what you have done, or who you may or may not become, you have the RIGHT to become a parent.

And you know what? How come f**cking crack whores and dealers, and murderers still have the right to becoming a parent? Why not make that illegal, i am 100% sure that a little girl would be better of with two daddies than a crack whore of a mother, and an abuser of a father?

Am i wrong, oh important people of this state, am i wrong? shall we just go and do a study and see which child is better off??!!!

Go back to to the middle ages… Cause i will be waiting there with my stones…

On the other side of things, thank you to those 48 votes who actually are with the times, and actually have half a brain…

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy. Earnest Benn

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: angry, answers, emotions, Frustrated, hope, IVF, journey, questions

Day 130 – When is too soon?

January 30, 2010 0 Comments

Eight weeks, four days. Day 62 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I have now known for two full weeks that i am pregnant, and only now is the real excitement setting in… And the nerves…

I have waited so long for this moment, for this time where we get to think about all the things that we never got to think about before, but how soon is too soon to start planning? To start researching… I dont mean all the boring stuff like finances, i am talking about the FUN stuff, you know, the baby nursary, the cots, the prams, the redecorating, painting… The baby shower… THE NAMES? OMG we will be responsible for naming a HUMAN! EKK… (thats where the nerves set in, oh that and labor, but thats another blog another time)

How long do i wait before i start planning that stuff? Before we start discussing names? I cant wait to go shopping for baby stuff to start decorating the room, i know that is already done in my head, i know exactly what i want, but you know, the reaserching on line, the shopping, oh the buying of baby stuff…

Is it too soon, should i wait longer before i get excited, before i start setting things in concrete, or should i dare to show my excitement, dare to discuss the previously undiscussable topics?

Oh the possiblilties are endless, if i start now… i may just change my mind one thousand and one times before i actually get to decorate and shop…

And the sad thing is, i am just excited that i get to write that i am excited!

Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning. Gloria Steinem

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: answers, appointment, Baby, children, Fertility, journey, miracle, pregnant, questions

Day 125 – I think the body knows what the body needs…

January 25, 2010 0 Comments

Seven Weeks, six days. Day 58 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Argh! I swore ages ago that when i fell pregnant, i wouldnt over eat and i would make sure that i kept up my healthy lifestyle… But i tell you it is hard!

For the last three years i have chosen to have a very healthy diet, where my calories were limited to about 1200 a day… Now i am not trying to stick to that, nope not at all, but i thought that i could continue the way i used to eat at least for the first little while… Nope – WRONG!

I am HUNGRY! And i know it is my body just using the energy it needs… But still, it is like i cant get full… And not feeling well as well just makes it harder and harder to know what to eat, and when to eat it!

I am eating fruit – 2 pieces a day, plus breakfast, plus a large salad for lunch, then a huge dinner, but still – HUNGRY! I ate tea a half hour ago, well ok, maybe an hour ago, and i am starving again….

I really wish there was like a strict diet plan for pregnancy, where you were told what to eat and when to eat it, that is what i am used to see, my personal trainer used to give me a chart of what to eat and at what time to eat it… Call me silly or insane, but that is what i am used to – and it worked for me, i was never hungry, and i always knew what to eat and when to eat it, and i always knew i was treating my body correctly… Now, well as you can see i am just confused… silly really…

It makes me wonder if it is meant to be like this? Or if my brain is playing tricks on me?

Sanity in a world of insanity is insane

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: answers, Baby, emotions, Fertility, IVF, journey, miracle, peace, pregnant, questions

Day 123 – Wha? You never thought of that?

January 23, 2010 0 Comments

Seven Weeks, four days. Day 56 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Who de fool?

We are!

I’d like to say that i was prepared for all of this… I’d like to say that we had been smart and thought of everything BEFORE we started TTCing, but to be honest we just stopped taking the pill and thought all would work itself out from there… But it didnt!

As you all know we needed help, and that became our priority, we didnt even really think about anything pregnancy related, well i didnt at least, for fear of disappointment later on…

So now that we have actually reached the goal that all married couples hope to reach, we have found ourselves unprepared for the questions that have now risen…

Two such topics came up in thursdays doctors appointment…

Private or Public – you see in Aus here you can choose whether to purchase health insurance or not, and silly DH & I said “when will we ever need that?” It seems now, we need it! The debate with DH is, is the money worth it? I say yes, due to the fact of personalized care, and due to the fact that we have spend so much getting to this point.. We would never forgive ourselves if we didnt get the best care for our child. DH’s perspective, i could take more time off work…?
(Ewww) Vaginal Birth or C-Section – So i always assumed that vaginal was the norm… Nope it seems i was wrong, no norms anymore! Apparently now there is a choice, and doctors seem to recommend C-Section… But in saying that, that will only be an option if i go private, and it will cost more… But in saying THAT, again we only want the best for our baby, and what is best for our miracle…?

There are so many things i never even thought we would have to think about… And so many different opinions, i thought it would be nurseries and fluffy toys from here on in, i think i thought i knew what i wanted… It is like this scary, wonderful, magnificent furr ball all wrapped up, and caught in my throat!

Ekkk… How do i want my baby to enter the world? All I know i just want the safest and healthiest way for my baby, no matter the cost to me financially or physically… Now DH and i just have to find the guts make the choices….

HELP?!

Choices are the hinges of destiny. ~Attributed to both Edwin Markham and Pythagoras

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: answers, Baby, Beliefs, children, Embryo, emotions, God, hope, pregnant, questions

Day 120 – I reserve the right not to be reserved

January 20, 2010 0 Comments

Seven Weeks, one day. Day 53 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I was planning to post not only a wordless wednesday, but also i was thinking of blogging about something that rang true to me this morning… But then as i began to write, i began hesitating, i saved the draft and wondered if i should post or or not…

I will post it, but tomorrow…

The point is, lately i have been feeling reserved, like i am not sure where to go from here, or rather i know exactly what to write about, but i am worried about offending everyone… I dont know why i should feel so reserved – especially since i have never cared before, but now, it is like my miracle has come along, and now i am worried that if i write how i feel i will offend the friends i have made along the way to my miracle, or even worse offend my miracle…

I am so confused at the moment about where i stand… I know how all the TTC people feel, i have been there, but i feel like such a hypocrite now saying that it will be ok, cause for me it is ok – isnt it?

I also have my believes and sometimes i think that when i write about them, and my faith, or try to express my feelings i am doing it wrong and i often feel that when i write i am offending the very people i want to learn from… I know i will move past these reservations, and i know that this blog in the end is for me and my miracle, but…

I dont know, i just feel like i need to hold back… or that i am holding back?

There is safety in reserve, but no attraction. One cannot love a reserved person. Jane Austen

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: answers, Baby, Beliefs, Embryo, emotions, journey, miracle, peace, pregnant, questions

Day 116 – Opening that cupboard door

January 16, 2010 0 Comments

Day 49 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I do this often, and technically today should be no different to any other morning, but it was. This morning when my alarm went off, for the first time in almost a year, i actually jumped out of bed and looked forward to the day.

For that split second this morning, before the sun had even risen, i was excited to have the whole day ahead of me, i was excited about the future, i was excited to be getting out of bed for a walk, just me, the sunrise, and my tunes… I was finally excited…

And as i walked and watched the sunrise, it was like a door had opened, not a door to another world, but more a door to a cupboard… And in that cupboard held all the things i have been so desperately wanting to think about, but have not been able to, or felt like i was not allowed to… For years now i have been putting all my thoughts about anything baby into that cupboard, and this morning, this morning i got to open it…

I spent an hour and a half just thinking about all the things i wasnt allowed to think about before, i thought about things that i was scared to think about, and as i walked and as i said a quick prayer, i noticed i was crying…

I was crying because i went through hell and back. And i will never ever forget that, i will never forget the feeling that i went through something, something that made me scream, something that made me cry like i never cried before, something that made me feel pain like no one, expect the people who have experienced this, could possibly understand…

I went through hell and back, but because of that i now can have gratitude, love, appreciation, and faith when i open that cupboard door and think about the things i have so desperately wanted to think about… And because of the trials i faced, i can watch the sunrise once more, and be filled with endless hope…

Put your HOPE in God. Psalm 42:22

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: answers, Baby, Beliefs, God, hope, miracle, peace, pregnant

Day 111 – Today i dare to hope…

January 11, 2010 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Seventeen… Day 44 in the final quest to chase our little miracle

To my dearest little miracle,

Today i dare to hope, i dare to believe, i dare to have the faith i should always have had.

My little miracle, i tell you no lies, i am scared like i have never been scared before. I want you more than anything on this earth, and today, today i dared to believe that i would have you, that i could have you, that you are really there inside of me growing into the perfect child i know you will be.

Today i imagined that a year from now i would be cherishing a moment with you, i dreamed that my miracle was real, and i shouted it to the world, i dared to hope that my miracle, you would be in my arms by my third wedding anniversary…

Today i put on paper the day, day 44 in my quest for you, day 44 of hope, day 44 of the most confusing roller coaster ride i have ever experienced… But if it means day 44 in the beginning of your life, i dont care, i wont leave this roller coaster ride until i have you safely in my arms…

My miracle once more i hold on to the quote, “when the world shouts ‘give up’… Hope whispers ‘one more time’”… You are my one more time, you are my miracle, you make me believe that all things are possible, and that love holds no boundaries… You are my hope… And i will always love you…

Love from a mother that may never be.

Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep believing, the dream that you wish will come true. Anon

Filed Under: Limbo Land, The Final Cycle, To my miracle Tagged With: answers, Beliefs, God, hope, inspiration, journey, miracle, pain, peace, questions, Religion, Sad

Day 110 – Lost and Confused…

January 10, 2010 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Fifteen

Have you ever looked at yourself and hated what you looked like, hated how you feel, hated what you had become, just hated it? Have you ever felt so lost and confused, so up and down, so many emotions that it makes you so confused that you end up hating yourself?

Have you ever just wanted to curl up and cry, cry away your pain, cry till you couldnt cry anymore, cry and scream like no one was watching, cry until it was all ok, and you got what you wanted?

Have you ever woken up and not known who you are anymore, not known how you got to where you were and not know what you will do now? Woken up and felt like you should just go back to sleep, back to a blank screen, back to where everything is possible, and hope is never taken from you, where dreams are created, and where peace is guaranteed?

Have you ever wondered why this journey is such a roller coaster ride, why it couldnt have been easier, and why you were the once chosen to suffer from this kind of pain? Have you ever just looked out into the sky and wondered when it is exactly that you will get your hope back, when this part of the journey will be over, when this will stop, when you will just be able to forget your woes and smile just because the sky is blue?

Have you ever wondered why yesterday you were ok, and today you are not? Why yesterday you had the peace of mind that no matter the outcome you would be ok, but today you are scared, lost, and so confused you cant even get out of bed?

Have you ever just wanted to turn the switch off?

Have you ever just wanted nothing more than answers, hope in tomorrow, want to like who you are, wanted this pain to stop, and wanted your life to stop being in limbo land.

Have you ever just wanted one thing, one thing that is the thing you never expected that you would have to beg and plead for?

I just want peace and happiness, to have faith in tomorrow, and to know exactly where i stand in this world, so i can begin to find out who i am once more.

Peace is not something you wish for; It’s something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away. Robert Fulghum