Day 201 – My toes dont touch the floor…

April 11, 2010 Leave a Comment

Eighteen Weeks. Five Days. Day 132 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

My toes dont touch the floor…

2004 i started swelling, i had sore joints and for no reason my ankles and feet began swelling… That year i was diagnosed with Lupus.

When we first started talking about a family i learned from the specialist that anti inflammatory medications during pregnancy are a no go…

2008 i stopped taking all medication, and i was fine.

For the first time since 2004 yesterday my feet began swelling, and they didnt stop.  By the end of the evening i had no ankles and i my feet looked like two balloons.

And as i lay in bed with my feet raised, i began to worry…

I am only half way there…. What if it gets worse?  I knew this might have happened, and i know in a week i will be able to talk to the specialist about it all, but i dont want to go on medications, i really dont.  I spent so long getting fit an healthy to avoid putting these medications into my body, i really just wanted to get through this pregnancy without the lupus coming back, getting worse.

I spent the night with my feet up hoping that this morning it would have been better, hoping that it was a one off, hoping that keeping my feet raised would have helped.  As i woke up i realised i was wrong.  They are less swollen, but my toes still dont touch the floor, my feet are still swollen.

I am trying not to think about the ‘what ifs’ i am trying not to think negatively, but you still have to wonder…

And i am sitting here wondering, why suddenly now?  What has suddenly changed?  I will try not to think about it, i will wait until next monday to talk to the doctor, but i really hope, and i will pray, that this doesnt hurt my george, that i wont have to go on any medication, that with rest and caution, all will be ok.

I just pray that all will be ok.

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays. Anon

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Day 130 – When is too soon?

January 30, 2010 Leave a Comment

Eight weeks, four days. Day 62 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I have now known for two full weeks that i am pregnant, and only now is the real excitement setting in… And the nerves…

I have waited so long for this moment, for this time where we get to think about all the things that we never got to think about before, but how soon is too soon to start planning? To start researching…  I dont mean all the boring stuff like finances, i am talking about the FUN stuff, you know, the baby nursary, the cots, the prams, the  redecorating, painting… The baby shower…  THE NAMES? OMG we will be responsible for naming a HUMAN! EKK… (thats where the nerves set in, oh that and labor, but thats another blog another time)

How long do i wait before i start planning that stuff? Before we start discussing names?  I cant wait to go shopping for baby stuff to start decorating the room, i know that is already done in my head, i know exactly what i want, but you know, the reaserching on line, the shopping, oh the buying of baby stuff…

Is it too soon, should i wait longer before i get excited, before i start setting things in concrete, or should i dare to show my excitement, dare to discuss the previously undiscussable topics?

Oh the possiblilties are endless, if i start now… i may just change my mind one thousand and one times before i actually get to decorate and shop…

And the sad thing is, i am just excited that i get to write that i am excited!

Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning. Gloria Steinem

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Day 108 – And then there was a miracle and a half!

January 8, 2010 Leave a Comment

Limbo Land Day Thirteen

To day i witnessed a miracle and a half, and once more my faith has been restored.

I know its sad to say that i needed my faith to be restored, but sometimes, you need to see something that makes you believe, to have hope once more, something that makes you smile uncontrollably – even if its just for one second… Sometimes you just need to see love to know inside of you that sometimes things can really work out.

Today i saw a life born into the arms of two loving parents.  I saw someone give all they have into giving life to a child, and even now it makes me cry and smile all at the same time.

I cant express to you how much gratitude i have for being able to witness such a miracle, and it came just when i needed it most of all… Some would think that i may feel jealous or envious, as i may never be able to experience such a miracle myself… But im not, there is no part of me that felt anything but overwhelming happiness and excitement for what i experienced, and the life that i will be a part of as long as i am on this earth.

charlieI meet a miracle this morning at 11.12am – thirty five minutes earlier than i predicted.  Charlie Jason Angell is the most perfect little Angell who belongs to the two most deserving Angells i know. And while all that was happening, this morning at 9.30am I also saw what could be a miracle, what i hope to be a miracle… I saw a void in my uterus… a void that could possibly grow into a miracle of my own.

I know babies are born every minute of everyday, and for most people, not deserving enough to call a miracle, but if they knew the struggles some women go through, if they sore what it takes to make a baby, if they spent the day with me… They would surely realize just how much life is a wonder…

From a void to a little baby…. Amazing, magical and just the most splendid feeling on this earth…  How on earth can you not believe in a higher power, in miracles, in all that the Lord has to offer, once you know that some cells, a microscopic ball of cells, a void in a uterus… can grow into a little life… Tell me now not to believe…

A new baby is like the beginning of all things-wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities. Eda J. Le Shan

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Day Eleven of 100 – The 10 things they should warn you before your first IVF appointment

October 3, 2009 1 Comment

Day nine of IVF cycle – 125 iu’s FSH PLUS Orgalutran injection, today i was on bed rest, 15 follicles on my RHS gave me quite a lot of pain.  I have been quite concerned with this OHSS and am praying for good quality eggs for my retrieval on wednesday.  In hope to ease my worry i have compiled my list of the ten things they should warn you before your first IVF appointment…

That first appointment, the one where you are waiting in anticipation, excited about the hope that there is something that can be done about the fact that you haven’t had a period in – when was the last time i had my period?

It is at this point one of the nurses should give you a beautifully decorated piece of paper that says the following:-

10 things

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying where there seemed to be no HOPE at all.”  Dale Carnegie

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Day Five of100 – The intense situation continues

September 27, 2009 3 Comments

Day three of IVF cycle – 150 iu’s FSH

Day 18… We made it to embryo transfer -wohooo!

“We may run, walk, stumble, drive or fly.  But let us never lose sight of the reason for the journey, or miss a chance to see a rainbow along the way.”  Gloria Gaither

Embyro #1

Day 18 – Meeting with the scientist before the transfer.  Before the appointment i was told to drink about a litre of water for a full bladder. So today of all days the doctor was about half an hour late, and at this point i was about to wet my pants!  Before the transfer was the meeting with the scientist, who showed me the one, yes thats right out of 16 follicles, 8 eggs, five fertilised, only one embryo survived the distance! HOW ON EARTH DO PEOPLE FALL PREGNANT BY ACCIDENT?

The transfer consisted of having my legs in stirips for about half an hour with a doctor, a nurse, and a scientist playing around in my uterus while i desperately tried not to pee on them, after all that there was an embryo inside of me… YEAH – now the 10 day wait begins…

During my ten days i not only pondered the meaning of life, i wondered about what i would do if this didnt work, would i go on?  Maybe i would become a baker (dont ask!) maybe we would move to the sunshine coast, maybe i would move to the sunshine coast, start a new life… But then this predicament would surly come around again.  I also managed to not only run into another car, but i got myself a large parking ticket and almost watched my car be towed away… Maybe i should become a local baker and walk to work, anything has got to be better than this.

Day 28 – Blood test day, i have told this story before – Friday 4th September the emotions were just so overwhelming, i thought all my dreams had come true… But it just wasnt meant to be.  Was God taking away what i shouldnt have endeavored into?  Was i being punished once more for something i had done in a previous life? Why? Why me? Why give me my miracle then take it away? What have i done to deserve this? What has my husband and i done to deserve this?

I couldnt figure out my emotions, just as i still can not figure out my emotions right now.  I am sick of being confused, i am sick of being scared that i am doing the wrong thing, i am sick of it all, sick of having to watch every penny, sick of worrying if we will be able to afford this next time, sick of telling my husband that he cant spend any money. Sick of thinking that i am going to send us both broke because of my need, my desire to have children, sick of thinking that it wont happen anyway, sick of making out that my biggest concern in life is whether or not to put one or two embryo’s back in.  Just sick, sick like i want to vomit.

The saying says that we shouldnt miss the rainbow along the way – maybe people are learning from me, maybe for some reason this is my time to help someone, maybe this is my time to repay my sister for all she has done for me over my life, by showing her how blessed she is, maybe it is my time to learn how to deal with my emotions, maybe it is my time to figure out my feelings from the past, bring everything to the surface and release it before i continue on.  But what if it is not, what if it is all just a horrible horrible irreversible joke?

What if my life, my very existence – is just a joke?

Where would the rainbow be then?

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Day Four of 100 – Just a little more intense (part one)

September 26, 2009 1 Comment

Day two of IVF cycle – 150 iu’s FSH

Today is a great day! Although i began my morning with a tear, there was no need for the tear, and it honestly was only one tear, might be the hormones? Do they work that fast? Even though i have been through this before it still seems new, it seems that once again i am saying that the past few months have been somewhat of a “haze” and maybe that is the hormones again.  Now that i think about it a lot of people have said that i have changed this year, it makes me wonder how much, and for the better or for the worse.  It is one of those questions that you don’t dare ask because of the fear of the answer.  Has this made me a stronger person, or has this just made me a sooky sooky lala and a b-i-t-c-h?

I figure if i have changed for the worse, or maybe just changed, i have the right, i mean for the past 7 months i have pumped my body full of this hormone and that hormone, if its not FSH its estrogen, or progesterone, or some other drug… So BLAH to all of you who said i have changed – when was the last time you had to give yourself a needle?

August 7th was day one of my first IVF cycle, i started with the synadrell nose spray (BTW it tastes like crap) to stop me ovulating, then began on 150 iu’s (international units) of FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) to grow my little follicles.

Day 8 was my first scan, where the doctor counted around 10 follicles on my right ovary, and i think there were just a few less on my left.  Now for those of you who have never had your follicles stimulated, let me just tell you, and i imagine it is different for every IVF patient, just let me tell you – it is no picnic – not only are you bloated to all buggery, my gosh it feels like two burning balls of fire on each side!

My dosage of FSH was reduced to 125 iu’s for day 9 & 10, then i was scanned again on day 11, where the doctor counted around 16 follicles on my right ovary, cant remember about my left.  But it was time, i was booked in for the egg pick up on day 13.  The pain got more and more intense, and to make matters even worse we were told that my husband needed to – as the doctor put it – “off load” now im not sure about you, but the last thing i wanted to do while i was bloated and hurting was have sex…

Day 13 egg pick up, scheduled for 11.30 am, which means that 36 hours before i had to wake myself up and give myself yet another needle, only this time, i had to play nurse and mix the trigger injection myself, which wasn’t easy at 11.30 at night! But through my sleep crusted eyes, of course, i managed. (lucky they give you step by step instructions)

So day 13, from 5.30am i was on nil by mouth, my wonderful husband sat down that morning and ate a full breakfast in front of me.  This didn’t really bother me until the nurse’s at the clinic mentioned that most other husbands starve in sympathy! Oh well i still love him.  So the egg pick up came, and after a long recovery session (about 2 hours) and being told that i had “blood pressure to die for” we were back in with the nurses, telling us that they collected 8 eggs, which was a good number.  I was quite shocked, because i thought that the 16 follicles would mean that many eggs, but i soon learnt that it is not about quantity is is about quality (a bit like men really).  So the instructions from that point were to rest and tomorrow the scientist would call and advise us how many eggs fertilized – least they weren’t calling to tell me how many eggs they ate for breakfast.

Day 14, the scientist calls, now if there is one thing about scientists, i think they need to be more personable, i remember at the time being quite offended that they presented me the information in such a clinical way, dont they understand this is peoples emotions they are playing with? The way it was put to me was that “only five fertilized” and they would call me “if we didn’t make it to transfer” WHA? HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE! I might not get to transfer day? NOOOONE told me T-H-A-T! So after the phone conversation, i was worried, and for the next four days i was a little bit on edge thinking that i “may not make it to transfer” BUGGER!

Day 18… We made it to embryo transfer -wohooo!

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Day Three of 100 – Details details details…

September 25, 2009 2 Comments

Day One of IVF cycle – 150 iu’s of FSH


So today it starts, my first appointment was this afternoon, my second cycle begins…  I am just so excited i could burst!

So with 97 days in the count, and my second cycle on its way, i finally give you some of the finer details of my story.

September / October 2008 – Stop taking contraception, no period.

December – January 2009/2009 – Hmm still no period, and many many many negative pregnancy tests

February 2009 – STILL no period, this is weird. GP appointment, internal scans, blood tests.  Results of blood test came back with low FSH and LH levels, my GP then referred me to a gyno.  I actually thought it was just going to be a gyno gyno, not a fertility clinic!

March 2009 – Imagine my surprise when i rocked up at the gyno and it was a fertility clinic!

March 2009 – Meet my fabulous and caring Dr J. (or so i reckon anyway!) Had a few scans, which basically confirmed that i had poly cystic ovareries, which to this date i still dont fully understand, all i know is that i dont ovulate. Dr J. suggested we use clomid, and go with IUI’s (intrauterine insemination) for the best possible outcome.

April 2009 – First IUI, first two week wait, lots and lots of praying.  No pregnancy, but on the positive side, my first period in more than 6 months! And who gets pregnant the first month they try anyway?

May 2009 – Second IUI, second two week wait, i even believe i had a little bit of anxiety. But no pregnancy :( we continue on, but this time, the clomid didnt work, and i had used FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) injections to get me to the point of ovulation.  So my third cycle begun with a double dose of the clomid.

June 2009 – The double dose of clomid didnt work, so back onto the FSH, because of the poly cystic ovaries and my resistance to the drugs, it was becoming harder and harder to stimulate just one to two follicles.  But we got there and went for our third IUI.  At this point the Dr had mentioned that we should think about IVF as this would give us a better outcome, we wern’t ready to go there and were still hoping against hope that the IUI’s would work.  But it didn’t.

July 2009 – Got reffered to get my tubes tested, i forget the name of the test, but my tubes are fine, and the reffering doctor suggested that IUI’s were the best way to go.  So we decided to give the IUI’s one more chance, again my body became more resilient to the hormones, and it took 20 days to stimulate the follicle, the Dr at this point told us that if it doesnt work we should really consider doing an IVF cycle, so we went  to the IVF meeting with the clinic nurses.

August 2009 – Fourth IUI failed, no surprises there.  So here we go, a fully stimulated IVF cycle….

“When I look back at where I’ve been, I see that what I am becoming is a whole lot further down the road from where I was.”  Gloria Guithes

I can tell you that now that i have put it on paper, i am a whole lot further along the road from where i was, it has been hard, and i often ponder the thought that i went to see the doctor too soon, maybe i would have ovulated by my own, maybe maybe maybe.  But then again, logic says that my ovaries are stuffed, and they need help.  So here we are, tomorrow is another day, and another post, and for now i’m off and will continue my story then…

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