Day 65 in my miracles life

I learned something last night….

I learned that sometimes technology as awesome as it is, sometimes cant really help you, sometimes it is more of a burden than a blessing, and i learned that sometimes, just as many people have told me before, sometimes you just need to have a little faith and put your trust in the Lord & yourself…

You see, last night was the second night my little miracle slept in her own room…

It was the hardest most pondered on decision of my life.  Ok so maybe not as hard as the decision to do IVF, hmm and maybe not as hard as the decision to put one or two embies back in… But it was hard!

I have spent the past few weeks debating whether it was time or not, and having an internal debate about baby monitors, thoughts and ideas swirling round my head, horror stories creeping into my dreams, yet at the same time dreams of a full nights sleep, and dreams that one day soon my husband and i can be more like partners rather than friends…

I wanted to do this right, i wanted to make sure i didnt desert my little one, and leave her in her own room for something dreadful to happen…. Because like every new parent, and maybe a little more because of what we have been through, i am so scared that something is going to happen, scared that my miracle will be taken away from me, and with all that they tell you with all the new information out there on SIDS, i wanted to make sure i was doing this right.

So i bought a monitor with sensor pads.

And for me, it didnt work…

The technology worked, but the fears were still there, the technology did not take my fears away, it did not help me get through the night without checking on my daughter a thousand times, the technology did not help me through the night without worrying that something was wrong, without thinking that the worst was to happen…

So i took it back.

Yup i took the fancy pants monitor back to the shop, and last night my daughter slept unasisted in her own room… Still in the basanett – but none the less, in her own room.

And guess what?

We made it, both of us.

Now tonight is another night, tomorrow is another day, but today i feel ok about it.  I am starting to believe that she will be ok in her own room, that after nine long months inside me and after nine short weeks by my side i am ready to close my eye of a night and know that she will be ok.

Maybe it seems a little dramatic, all this fuss over moving her 6 meters away (no seriously its about 6 meters) but after all that we went through, and through all the pain that will forever remain in my heart….  This is huge.

And from this experience i will know in my heart for the rest of my life that technology in all its glory, will never take away the fears we hold onto, that fear is something that we have to pass on, something we have to overcome in our own time and in our own ways.