Ten weeks, one day. Day 73 in the quest to chase our little miracle
This will stay in my heart for an eternity…
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. Amy Bloom
Ten weeks. Day 72 in the quest to chase our little miracle
You know that feeling, when you go home to your parents house for the holidays, walk through your old room, look through old memories, open the window and remember all the mornings of your childhood that you opened that window and felt nothing but hope and happiness?
I do, and tonight i am in sadness because those times of walking through old memories are now for sale. The home i grew up in, the place i called mine for so many years of my youth, is now for sale.
It is not a surprise, i knew this was coming, but it doesnt change how hard it is to say good bye.
Home is where the heart is, and my heart is no longer in that space, but in a new space, and with new people, but i guess my old home is still part of me, and always will be.
It was in that home that santa came down the chimeny, where the easter bunny popped by, it was in that home that i meet one of my closest friends, it was in that home that i rolled down the grassy hill and played dress ups, danced and laughed untill i cried… It was in that home that i grew closer to my sister, and that was the home where i said my last goodbyes to my mother…
It was the home where i discovered who i was, and where i learnt how to become who i am today.
That home has a special place in my heart, and i know nothing can ever take the memories away from me, but i still sit here tonight remenissing about that home and all that it gave to me…
My parents build that house, and turned it into a home for me, and my only wish right now is that one day i hope that my child will see the home that my husband and i will build in the same way.
A home is where the heart is.
Nine weeks, five days. Day 70 in the quest to chase our little miracle
WARNING, FOR SOME OF YOU THIS POST MAY CONTAIN TMI, SO IF YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW, DONT READ ON, AND REMEMBER: I WARNED YOU!
So you decided to start TTCing, sounds exciting, you and your partner get excited about getting to do the baby dance whenever, where ever, and however… right?
Right… Until you realise it is not working… Then it becomes a chore, something that has to be done this way or that way, something that is posed to one another as a question of before dinner or after dinner… Then it gets worse.. IVF, where you are told EXACTLY when to do it, and exactly when not to do it….
Then it gets a little bit worse, after the egg pick up, after the sperm collection… there is more medication… Crinone, gel that makes a ‘cottage cheese’ like discharge… I have told these stories before i know i have, it is gross, and no man would ever go back if he went there…
So you wait…. It is only two weeks after all, you think that once the wait is over it will be ok, baby dancing will become free and fun once again… No matter the outcome…
Then it comes the news you have been waiting a lifetime to hear, news that you wouldnt change for the world, news that makes all your dreams become reality, news that changes your life…
But where does that leave the baby dancing?
My story is unique, our child, our miracle, hasnt come with the same confidence as others, low hormone levels, and scans twice a week, left our doctor telling my husband to “keep it in his pants” just that little bit longer…
So i say it again, where does that leave the baby dancing?
To be honest, and i am not sure how normal or abnormal this is, i am too scared, i know it would be fine, and i have Dr Goggled it… but honestly – still scared… and no matter how much the desire to do a little baby dancing is, i am still too scared…
And on a lighter side, the thing that also bothers me about this whole topic, is eww gross, there is a baby in there! I dont care how little it is, its a human, can you imagine being showered in sperm? Not that the little tucker would remember it, but *sigh* well the whole thing just freaks me out just that little bit… ok i lied, it freaks me out alot!
So am i normal, or am i just a little paranoid and weird to be scared and freaked out?
If you are never scared, embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take chances Julia Soul
Nine weeks, four days. Day 69 in the quest to chase our little miracle
I am not going to lie to you, i am the happiest i have been i a long time, and i dont care how hard it was to get here, i am here and that is all that matters.
But there is one thing that i missed out on.
Something that i did over a hundred times and each time it ended only in tears and heart ache.
Something that makes hearts race, tears flow, moments that change lives forever…
Something that i am going to do, if only to feel just that little bit ‘normal’ and to finally get just that little smile on my face, just that little giggle, just that little slip into a reality that will never really be mine.
I want to create a moment for me, my husband, and my baby, my new family. I am going to get my double lines, yes i am going to pee on a stick…
It might be back to front, it may seem just a little silly, but i have finally got my double lines, i no longer have to wish for a miracle, because by God’s grace i have a little miracle growing inside of me…. And my double lines, well they give me tears, but they are no longer heart broken tears, they are tears of joy.
It will never take away from the moment i really got my positive, the real moment that i will treasure for an eternity is the day i sore my babys heart beat… I am sure if this was a little differnet, and i lived in an alternate world, that my double lines today would make my heart race just that little bit more, but for now, the double lines give me peace.
My double lines give me the hope and faith i need in tomorrow, the double lines give me an describable feeling that what is wanted can be achieved. I am not saying that peeing on a stick is more significant than my ultrasound image, it just gives me the feeling i so desired.
A year ago i pee’d on a stick and it left me feeling puzzled and empty.
Today a pee’d on a stick and it left me feeling full of excitement and a feeling of contentment and happiness that for a very long time i never thought would be mine.
Sometimes something so silly can make us smile, simply because in our heart we know it came from something more complex.
Eight weeks, six days. Day 64 in the quest to chase our little miracle
So i have been pondering, when is a life a life?
This is such a controversial topic, but i was thinking about it, and it has been on my mind all day. Maybe i am the wrong person to be writing about this, and maybe i shouldnt write something so controversial on my blog, but well, i was thinking about it, and after all it is my blog…
I know everyone has their own opinion, and i know that everyone has the right to believe what they want to believe, and to see life as they want to see it, but in your opinion – when is a life a life?
You see i never really contemplated this in such depth and after all i have been through, i think i might have a stronger opinion than some, i mean, i am one of the lucky ones, i have seen a life grow, and i really believe that at the point of a heartbeat, at 6 1/2 weeks, that, that there is a life…
How could it not be? A life begins and ends with a heartbeat… How can something with a heartbeat not be a life? But again, this is what i believe, and i have been through so much more than others.
I know it is all personal, and as i just mentioned everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but it is one of those topics that i find interesting, and like most topics ones opinion comes only from experience. If you have never been in a situation like i have, then i guess the preciousness of life may not be as greatly appreciated… But then again, that too is my opinion.
I base my thoughts on the fact that have seem my uterus, i have seen something inside of me go from nothing to something, i have witnessed the true beginning of a life, then seen it grow. So i know what happens, i know that there is a life with a beating heart… That and what i have been through, that makes it all too real for me.
I do though accept that for some people, a life is not a life as early as i believe. I have to accept that for some people a life is not thought about as a life, but as something more scientific, or maybe not even contemplated, so i am asking you…
When is a life a life?
The most beautiful thing we can experience in life is the mysterious. Albert Einstein
Eight weeks, four days. Day 62 in the quest to chase our little miracle
I have now known for two full weeks that i am pregnant, and only now is the real excitement setting in… And the nerves…
I have waited so long for this moment, for this time where we get to think about all the things that we never got to think about before, but how soon is too soon to start planning? To start researching… I dont mean all the boring stuff like finances, i am talking about the FUN stuff, you know, the baby nursary, the cots, the prams, the redecorating, painting… The baby shower… THE NAMES? OMG we will be responsible for naming a HUMAN! EKK… (thats where the nerves set in, oh that and labor, but thats another blog another time)
How long do i wait before i start planning that stuff? Before we start discussing names? I cant wait to go shopping for baby stuff to start decorating the room, i know that is already done in my head, i know exactly what i want, but you know, the reaserching on line, the shopping, oh the buying of baby stuff…
Is it too soon, should i wait longer before i get excited, before i start setting things in concrete, or should i dare to show my excitement, dare to discuss the previously undiscussable topics?
Oh the possiblilties are endless, if i start now… i may just change my mind one thousand and one times before i actually get to decorate and shop…
And the sad thing is, i am just excited that i get to write that i am excited!
Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning. Gloria Steinem
Eight weeks, two days. Day 60 in the quest to chase our little miracle
To my dearest little miracle,
As i have told you on many occasions before, the year of 2009 was one of the hardest years of my life, and it was hard for reasons other than my journey chasing you.
Last year the man we all knew as Opie, my mothers father, your great grandfather, left this world to be with his daughter.
I am ok, we are all ok, but it doesnt make us miss him any less, most of the time i remember him in passing, latley a little more because your cousin Charlie, well he riminds me in a beautiful way, just how special Opie was to us… And this morning almost out of the blue i received an email which made me think just a little bit more of him, and for a brief moment a wave of sadness washed over me knowing that you would never get to know Opie.
Our Opie was one of the most treasured people i have ever know, he had the kindest spirit, and was by far the most treasureable grandfather of all, and most importantly he was my mothers father, your grandmothers father.
The thing that brings a tear to my eye right now, is the thought that you, my miracle, will never get that chance to meet him, nor will you ever get the chance to meet his daughter, my mother.
If i had one wish for you, it would be that my family and i will be able to share with you the many memories we have of both my mother and Opie, and that you will grow up knowing that you have the most wonderful family. I pray that even though you will never have the opportunity to meet them,you will know that they are a part of you, and that i will ensure that you know just how much they influenced my life, and thus your life too.
My miracle, you will meet many people in your life, but know that sometimes it is the people who you never knew, or will never know, that are the biggest influence on your life, and that mean the most in the place that matters the most; your heart.
Love from a mother that will be
Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. Kevin Arnold
Eight weeks Day 59 in the quest to chase our little miracle
What if?
I wish i could get all negatives out of my head, but there seems to be one little thought that is stuck right on in there…
What if?
I am working so hard against my fears and doubts, and i am praying each and everyday for george, but i get a cramp, or back pain, or just a feeling, and, well, my fears return.
I havent done this before, i dont know how i am meant to feel, and i dont know the difference between a good feeling and a bad feeling, i dont know how tired i am meant to be, how hungry i am meant to feel… It is leaving me quite confused!
But am i being paranoid?
I want to be happy… No, no I AM HAPPY, i am the happiest and most excited i have ever been, and i think the paranoia will ease in four weeks, when i get through what has seemingly been labeled the “danger period”
I think the worst thing for me is people saying “just wait until the 12 weeks” “just see what happens”
I dont understand that… I know i am paranoid, but i have right to be – it is my body doing weird things, other people they should just be happy, none of these doubts, or at least not out loud…
I dont know, maybe i am just being silly, maybe i am just tired, maybe this is normal….
All i know is i cant wait to hold my little george in my arms, and i know my husband feels the same, and we just want this to be the most perfect trouble free pregnancy….
A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what’s going on. William S. Burroughs
Seven Weeks, six days. Day 58 in the quest to chase our little miracle
Argh! I swore ages ago that when i fell pregnant, i wouldnt over eat and i would make sure that i kept up my healthy lifestyle… But i tell you it is hard!
For the last three years i have chosen to have a very healthy diet, where my calories were limited to about 1200 a day… Now i am not trying to stick to that, nope not at all, but i thought that i could continue the way i used to eat at least for the first little while… Nope – WRONG!
I am HUNGRY! And i know it is my body just using the energy it needs… But still, it is like i cant get full… And not feeling well as well just makes it harder and harder to know what to eat, and when to eat it!
I am eating fruit – 2 pieces a day, plus breakfast, plus a large salad for lunch, then a huge dinner, but still – HUNGRY! I ate tea a half hour ago, well ok, maybe an hour ago, and i am starving again….
I really wish there was like a strict diet plan for pregnancy, where you were told what to eat and when to eat it, that is what i am used to see, my personal trainer used to give me a chart of what to eat and at what time to eat it… Call me silly or insane, but that is what i am used to – and it worked for me, i was never hungry, and i always knew what to eat and when to eat it, and i always knew i was treating my body correctly… Now, well as you can see i am just confused… silly really…
It makes me wonder if it is meant to be like this? Or if my brain is playing tricks on me?
Sanity in a world of insanity is insane
Seven Weeks, four days. Day 56 in the quest to chase our little miracle
Who de fool?
We are!
I’d like to say that i was prepared for all of this… I’d like to say that we had been smart and thought of everything BEFORE we started TTCing, but to be honest we just stopped taking the pill and thought all would work itself out from there… But it didnt!
As you all know we needed help, and that became our priority, we didnt even really think about anything pregnancy related, well i didnt at least, for fear of disappointment later on…
So now that we have actually reached the goal that all married couples hope to reach, we have found ourselves unprepared for the questions that have now risen…
Two such topics came up in thursdays doctors appointment…
There are so many things i never even thought we would have to think about… And so many different opinions, i thought it would be nurseries and fluffy toys from here on in, i think i thought i knew what i wanted… It is like this scary, wonderful, magnificent furr ball all wrapped up, and caught in my throat!
Ekkk… How do i want my baby to enter the world? All I know i just want the safest and healthiest way for my baby, no matter the cost to me financially or physically… Now DH and i just have to find the guts make the choices….
HELP?!
Choices are the hinges of destiny. ~Attributed to both Edwin Markham and Pythagoras
