I believe i have mentioned before that i think naming a baby is a huge responsibility...  I mean if you think about it, you are giving someone something that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives...

And as we drove down to the furniture shop my husband and i had a little discussion...

It has to be cute enough to suit a little baby, normal enough to get your child through primary and then high school without being teased, or without the name becoming anything other than what it is, then the name has to be smart enough, or should i say reflect intellegance enough to get your child through college and into carrer....

I am just going to say it, there is a lot ridding on a name.  And it may seem that i am being very, hmmm trying to think of the right word, very vain.  It may seem like i believe choosing the right name will change my miracles personality, or belief in him/herself, but if you think about it, it is in some situations true.

If i child is teased at school because of their name, will that not effect their personality?  If a name is too 'cute' or 'weird' will that not effect the way they are looked upon by peers?  I know that when a child becomes an adult these influences disappear, but by that stage, maybe my child wont like their name anymore, maybe all the teasing and carring on over a name would have made them hate it, or wish for another...To me, that is an influence on a lifetime... but, maybe i am wrong.

On  the other hand, there maybe a name you like, however you know of someone that you dislike with that name, you therefore wont use that name. I find that aspect funny as well, if you know someone, and dont like the person, you instantly dont like the name, why is that? For fear that the name will change the personality?  Maybe? Maybe not.

So what is in a name, and will it affect a personality, and if you have named a child, how did you go about it?  It is like an endless circle, a decision that has to be made, a choice that you cant take back, something that influences three people...

Integrity: A name is the blueprint of the thing we call character. You ask, What's in a name? I answer, Just about everything you do. Morris Mandel

Two words that can change the way you feel, two words is all it takes to bring you from cloud nine to reality, yet it is also two words that will take you right back to where you started on cloud nine.

The first two words of my appointment yesterday, they were the two words that can take just that little bit of hope away, like plucking the stem of the apple, or a leaf from a bushy tree... Just enough for concern to grow, just enough for your smile to vanish for just one second.

High Risk.

I knew all along that this is the case, i knew when i started what i was getting myself into and i knew before that appointment that this wasnt going to be easy, and i knew that this wasnt just going to be the 'standard' - but then again, who is?  It was just to hear the words, to to hear it out loud, for it to be confirmed that just makes it real, makes the knowing just that little bit more scary.

I know it is normal to have some fear, and i know that i am no different to anyone else, than people in my situation, and i never, ever ever forget how blessed i am to even be this far, but with SLE or with auto immune disorders, or just with high risk pregnancy's, it is scary, your body does different things, and the doctors are never sure just how you will react.  I know that people have babies all the time. with worse illnesses than me, but i think it is the unknown, the un-understood, and the un-felt of the little child inside of you that makes it hard.

Two words is all it takes.

And the two words that i treasure, the two words that remind me that this is real, the two words that give me hope, faith, and something to hold on to when all else fails...

A Heartbeat.

That rippled, wheerly sound, that you instantly recognize... That is what i hold onto, that is what gets me to sleep at night, and that it what gives me hope and makes me believe in tomorrow.

In all things it is better to hope than to despair. Johann Wolfgang

100 days ago i made a choice to do one final cycle.  I wrote on my white board in permanent marker - "when the world shouts give up, hope whispers one more time" And we gave it one more time.

I honestly hoped for a miracle but i told my heart i wouldnt let myself believe it, i told myself that i wouldnt let myself dream and i told myself i wouldnt break down.

But i did.

I hoped like hell, i cried until there were no more tears left, i begged and i pleaded with the Lord, screamed in pain and i cried some more.  I wanted this more than anything else, and i wanted my one last chance to be it.

100 days ago i thought that i would have an answer 68 days ago - 100 days ago i thought that i would no longer need to write and i thought that my 100 day challenge would be over on day 99, i had thought that i would have my final answer and that my journey would not need to continue.

But 100 days ago was just the beginning.  100 days ago was day 1 of the final cycle that would change my life forever, it was the begining of my miracle, and the begining of the rest of our life as a family.

100 days ago, i jumped in one last time for happiness, 100 days ago my prayers were finally answered, and my faith and hope restored.

I will never forget my 100 days of IVF, i will never forget my first 100 days in the quest to chase our little miracle, and i will never forget that when the world shouted give up, hope, love, and true friends whispered one more time.

For without that hope, without love, and without those true friends, there would have never been that one more time, and there may never have been day 100 of the final cycle to chase our little miracle.

Once you choose hope, anything's possible. Christopher Reeve

Today i didnt break down, but i cried...

I cried for me, and i cried for you.

I cried because i know your pain, i cried because i understand, i cried because i want to help and i cant, i cried because i wished i could be there, i cried because i cant see you, but i can feel your pain...

So i say the only thing i can say, you will survive... Learn from my pain, learn from my story, and know that you will get by, you will survive.  You will find yourself again, it will be ok, there is hope, have faith.  When the world is screaming the impossible, scream back "nothing is impossible, with God, all is possible" and you will survive.

Trippin out
Spinning around
I'm underground
I fell down
Yeah I fell down

I'm freaking out, where am I now?
Upside down and I can't stop it now
Can't stop me now, oh oh

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry

I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet, on the ground
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I'll take a stand until the end

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, and I won't cry

When the storm clouds cover ever ounce of hope you have left, when you are in deeper than you have ever been before, when nothing makes sense, and everything is against you, remember these three things:

1. Courage - The quality of mind that enables a person to face difficulty without fear and with bravery.
2. Love - knowing that no matter how dark your cloud, no matter how heavy your heart, no matter what, love will get you though.  There is a man on the other side of the bed who will stick by you no matter what happens. And,
3. Hope - Nothing can be done without hope.  For I know then plans I have for you, says the Lord.  They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and hope.  Jeremiah 29:11

Faith is knowing that the the sun has risen even when the clouds cover every ray of light.

To be honest i have a weee lil bit of a temper... My sister and i call it the "Bowen trait" and we have always said that any man that can put up with a Bowen is a keeper, and well we have both found our keepers... And after last night i am not sure my keeper really knew what he was in for when he said "I do"!

It is a fact that sometimes my frustrations get the better of me and i will just get so angry and overwhelmed and something i am doing or a situation that i have put myself into that i just have to stomp or yell it out...

And last night i shocked myself, because for the first time in my pregnancy i got all worked up and frustrated, and i honestly couldnt help it!  I tried not to get upset, i tried to be calm, but i couldnt, i just got so annoyed at the situation - and it really started worrying me.

This couldnt have been good for lil george, getting so worked up inside?  I asked myself how do i stop? And last night i did something i dont usually do.  I gave up.  I shut my computer, got a bowl of ice-cream, and gave up... I went to bed without a solution.  I have NEVER done that in my life!  I always go to be with solutions, and i always finish what i am doing, and i never emotional eat... But i did.

I think last night this was a wise decision, but i dont want to be the person who gives up... I want to conquer and succeed!  I want to find a solution to my challenges.

So my question this morning is not how to avoid the frustration, because we all know that is impossible, it is how on earth do i stop myself getting so worked up and find a solution that is not giving in?  How do i control the uncontrollable?  How do i realise i am in the middle of a situation that can only be solved when i am calm?

I need to be the one that succeeds, but now i need to be the one that doesnt get so frustrated and angry first...

Our frustration is greater when we have much and want more than when we have nothing and want some. We are less dissatisfied when we lack many things than when we seem to lack but one thing. Eric Hoffer

BARHUMBUG!

That is what i am saying to valentines day.

Maybe it is because the love of my life is not a romantic, maybe it is because i have never 'truely' recieved a valentine, or maybe it is because i believe that love isnt about a commercialised day.

Love is about every minute of every day, of every year you are together.

I have learned over the past ten years that love is not about choclates or flowers, or about the 'stuff' you get for christmas an birthdays... Love is about the hugs at the end of a bad day, love is about telling someone that it will be okay, even when you know it wont, and love is about respecting the person you are with, and loveing them even though sometimes you really just want to hate them.

I have learned over the past year that the one you love can hurt you in ways you never thought possible to forgive, and i have leaned that forgiveness for the unforgivable is what love and marriage is truly about.  Over the past year i have learned more about myself and my love for my husband, and vice versa, then i ever thought possible.  And i know that no matter the challenges this world throws at us, we will get through it, no matter what we go through, no matter how hard our journey becomes, we will always have each other, each and every minute of every trying day.

Love is not a day, love is in a lifetime.  Love is not in a gift or a card, love is in the words you speak, and in the things you do.  True love is not a day, it is a lifetime.

When i was young i believed that happiness is what you make of it, i learned that when you accept thing as they are, when you decide that what you have is enough, that is when you can be happy....

Maybe that can be true, maybe if we learn to accept, then happiness is just around the corner.  But if i told you to believe this than i would be a hypocrite. If i have leaned anything in the past year, it is that happiness must be perused, and that no matter the challenge, if happiness is what you want, then you must go and get it no matter the cost.

There were so many times when i was told to stop, when i was told that i had changed, that i wasnt who i used to be, that i needed a break, that i needed to find happiness, that this pain wasnt worth it.  I was told out of love that i shouldnt put myself through the heart ache again and again and again, i was told this because all they saw was pain.

But i couldnt stop, i selfishly continued, i persevered, put myself through one of the hardest things anyone should have to put themselves through,  and i did it because i knew in my heart i wasnt going to find happiness without knowing that i did all that i could.

And i did do all that i could, and i would do it again and again, if it meant knowing that i would have the happiness that i have found in myself lately.

I want you to know that happiness can be found, that it can be perused. and i want you to know that giving up, believing that happiness is accepting, is not really happiness.

For those of you who are struggling, for those of you who are hurting, i want you to know that it is worth every second of pain.  I look back on my earlier days and even now, even though it was only 4 weeks ago, i have forgotten the pain...

I have forgotten those endless nights of crying, and i have forgotten the heart ache, and i have forgotten about all the times i was told to give up, and all the times i wanted to give up - not just on having a baby, but on my life as well.  It seems so far in the past right now, all i have to remember it by is my own words.

I dont know who you are, but hold on.  No matter how dark the tunnel, there is a light is still shining, and so long as that light is still there, there is hope.

By chance if you are watching someone else suffering, hurting like they have never hurt before, dont tell them to give up, dont add confusion to there turmoil.  The people you love, they know where their happiness is, and they are trying to get there... The only thing you can do is hold their hand and tell them you will walk with them through their hardship, and be with them every step of the way.  For they are the only ones who will know when enough is enough.

I may have given up a lot, i may have changed who i am, i may never be who i was.... But that is the cost of my happiness, and today if i give one thing, it is to let the world know that happiness must be pursued, no matter the cost.

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness.  Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost. H. Jackson Browne

So i have been pondering, when is a life a life?

This is such a controversial topic, but i was thinking about it, and it has been on my mind all day.  Maybe i am the wrong person to be writing about this, and maybe i shouldnt write something so controversial on my blog, but well, i was thinking about it, and after all it is my blog...

I know everyone has their own opinion, and i know that everyone has the right to believe what they want to believe, and to see life as they want to see it, but in your opinion - when is a life a life?

You see i never really contemplated this in such depth and after all i have been through, i think i might have a stronger opinion than some, i mean, i am one of the lucky ones, i have seen a life grow, and i really believe that at the point of a heartbeat, at 6 1/2 weeks, that, that there is a life...

How could it not be? A life begins and ends with a heartbeat...  How can something with a heartbeat not be a life?  But again, this is what i believe, and i have been through so much more than others.

I know it is all personal, and as i just mentioned everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but it is one of those topics that i find interesting, and like most topics ones opinion comes only from experience.  If you have never been in a situation like i have, then i guess the preciousness of life may not be as greatly appreciated...  But then again, that too is my opinion.

I base my thoughts on the fact that have seem my uterus, i have seen something inside of me go from nothing to something, i have witnessed the true beginning of a life, then seen it grow.  So i know what happens, i know that there is a life with a beating heart... That and what i have been through, that makes it all too real for me.

I do though accept that for some people, a life is not a life as early as i believe.  I have to accept that for some people a life is not thought about as a life, but as something more scientific, or maybe not even contemplated, so i am asking you...

When is a life a life?

The most beautiful thing we can experience in life is the mysterious. Albert Einstein

To my dearest little miracle,

As i have told you on many occasions before, the year of 2009 was one of the hardest years of my life, and it was hard for reasons other than my journey chasing you.

Last year the man we all knew as Opie, my mothers father, your great grandfather, left this world to be with his daughter.

I am ok, we are all ok, but it doesnt make us miss him any less, most of the time i remember him in passing, latley a little more because your cousin Charlie, well he riminds me in a beautiful way, just how special Opie was to us... And this morning almost out of the blue i received an email which made me think just a little bit more of him, and for a brief moment a wave of sadness washed over me knowing that you would never get to know Opie.

Our Opie was one of the most treasured people i have ever know, he had the kindest spirit, and was by far the most treasureable grandfather of all, and most importantly he was my mothers father, your grandmothers father.

The thing that brings a tear to my eye right now, is the thought that you, my miracle, will never get that chance to meet him, nor will you ever get the chance to meet his daughter, my mother.

If i had one wish for you, it would be that my family and i will be able to share with you the many memories we have of both my mother and Opie, and that you will grow up knowing that you have the most wonderful family.  I pray that even though you will never have the opportunity to meet them,you will know that they are a part of you, and that i will ensure that you know just how much they influenced my life, and thus your life too.

My miracle, you will meet many people in your life, but know that sometimes it is the people who you never knew, or will never know, that are the biggest influence on your life, and that mean the most in the place that matters the most; your heart.

Love from a mother that will be

Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. Kevin Arnold

What if?

I wish i could get all negatives out of my head, but there seems to be one little thought that is stuck right on in there...

What if?

I am working so hard against my fears and doubts, and i am praying each and everyday for george, but i get a cramp, or back pain, or just a feeling, and, well, my fears return.

I havent done this before, i dont know how i am meant to feel, and i dont know the difference between a good feeling and a bad feeling, i dont know how tired i am meant to be, how hungry i am meant to feel...  It is leaving me quite confused!

But am i being paranoid?

I want to be happy... No, no I AM HAPPY, i am the happiest and most excited i have ever been, and i think the paranoia will ease in four weeks, when i get through what has seemingly been labeled the "danger period"

I think the worst thing for me is people saying "just wait until the 12 weeks" "just see what happens"

I dont understand that...  I know i am paranoid, but i have right to be - it is my body doing weird things, other people they should just be happy, none of these doubts, or at least not out loud...

I dont know, maybe i am just being silly, maybe  i am just tired, maybe this is normal....

All i know is i cant wait to hold my little george in my arms, and i know my husband feels the same, and we just want this to be the most perfect trouble free pregnancy....

A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on. William S. Burroughs

Have you every just felt so tired that nothing makes sense and everything is just goes into the 'to hard basket'?

That is me...

Too hard today... It is all too hard...

I was feeling upset because no one understood, i was feeling misunderstood, and like everyone was against me, like no one could possibly get what i went through or why the decisions i was trying to make were so hard for me to make.  I felt like everyone was being so hypocritical...

But then i realized how tired i was, and that pressuring myself to make a decision RIGHT now was not helping me or George...  i decided that i just needed time for myself to think it through, to decide what i really want, to be more informed in my decision...

So today, i leave it there...

Love is what makes you smile when you're tired. Anon

Who de fool?

We are!

I'd like to say that i was prepared for all of this... I'd like to say that we had been smart and thought of everything BEFORE we started TTCing, but to be honest we just stopped taking the pill and thought all would work itself out from there... But it didnt!

As you all know we needed help, and that became our priority, we didnt even really think about anything pregnancy related, well i didnt at least, for fear of disappointment later on...

So now that we have actually reached the goal that all married couples hope to reach, we have found ourselves unprepared for the questions that have now risen...

Two such topics came up in thursdays doctors appointment...

1. Private or Public - you see in Aus here you can choose whether to purchase health insurance or not, and silly DH & I said "when will we ever need that?" It seems now, we need it!  The debate with DH is, is the money worth it? I say yes, due to the fact of personalized care, and due to the fact that we have spend so much getting to this point.. We would never forgive ourselves if we didnt get the best care for our child.  DH's perspective, i could take more time off work...?
2. (Ewww) Vaginal Birth or C-Section - So i always assumed that vaginal was the norm... Nope it seems i was wrong, no norms anymore!  Apparently now there is a choice, and doctors seem to recommend C-Section...  But in saying that, that will only be an option if i go private, and it will cost more... But in saying THAT, again we only want the best for our baby, and what is best for our miracle...?

There are so many things i never even thought we would have to think about... And so many different opinions, i thought it would be nurseries and fluffy toys from here on in, i think i thought i knew what i wanted...  It is like this scary, wonderful, magnificent furr ball all wrapped up, and caught in my throat!

Ekkk... How do i want my baby to enter the world?   All I know i just want the safest and healthiest way for my baby, no matter the cost to me financially or physically... Now DH and i just have to find the guts make the choices....

HELP?!

Choices are the hinges of destiny.  ~Attributed to both Edwin Markham and Pythagoras

So i was reading my good friend Kate's blog (Busted Plumbing - you should go there, always good for a giggle) the other day, and i stumbled upon her post
Katie Says "Put A Sock In It": ("Relax" Advice Drives Infertiles Crazy), and it got me thinking...

So many times over the past year while i was doing IVF, and even before i was doing IVF, i got the same 'wonderful' advice, "just relax cheryl" "just take a holiday".. blah blah f-in blah... So anyway i didnt relax, no i didnt.. not for  a second... My last cycle i was as stressed as i have ever been, maybe even a touch more cause this was our 'final' cycle...

And wouldnt you know it - i say it again - i am pregnant... (Ekk! it is scary wonderful exciting when i say it out loud!)

But this is not the story... no no no... my story today is about being told that, yes in fact my family, friends, and strangers from the deep... were in fact correct, all i had to do was relax..

HUH?! you say?  But cheryl wasnt relaxed, she just said that she was as stressed as ever?!

Apparently the purchase of a puppy has made me pregnant... or relaxed enough to become pregnant...?!

WOOO hold on a minute, you say... a puppy, weeeeeeeelllll maybe they are correct then, maybe cheryl was distracted enough not to realise that the puppy actually relaxed her enough to make her pregnant?!

WRONG!!!!

I got the puppy on the 28 December.....

2ww begun on the 19 December...

I bleed and thought it was over on the 26 December...

so :p (that is me poking my tongue out at you)

The 2ww was over, and george was implanted BEFORE i got my puppy!

I will maybe accept that my puppy helped me get through the following couple of weeks, and i will definatly accept that my puppy is going to help me through the next 9 months.... But i WILL NOT accept "relaxing" or "being distracted" as a method of falling pregnant!

NO I WILL NOT!!!

I WILL NOT, take your "i told you so's", i will not take your whispers to my husband behind my back, and i will not take your "see - all you needed was a distraction" comments... BLAH!

The 2ww was the critical time, and yes i did things differently this time, yes i had more faith then i have ever had, but no, no i am not pregnant due to relaxing...

Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness.  Richard Carlson

Okay so maybe not each day a new miracle, but each week.

Today i had my 5th scan of my pregnancy, and it never ever ceases, and i dont think it will ever cease to amaze me, just how a life grows, or just how quickly a life grows... I wish i could show you the images we have, but the clarity isnt enough, and the images just arnt enough to describe the amazement, the awe, and the feeling that the actual visual on the ultrasound gives me, just to see something go from nothing, to a void, to a void with a dot, to a void with a wriggling line (fetal pole) to todays vision.  A 0.92cm blob, with a beat, in a void, with a yolk...

I know i have said this before, and i know i should have faith no matter what, but each time i see my little miracle my faith is renewed... It just amazes me that a little life grows so fast, that i have finally got a life inside of me, that there is a part of me and my wonderful husband inside, just waiting to meet us...

I know it is easy for me to say, but miracles are real, miracles do happen every day.  Miracles dont have to be out of the ordinary, they just have to be extraordinary.  They just have to make you believe in something bigger than you or me, they have to make you believe in your heart that God is real, and they have to make you see that hope is worth holding onto...

I thought hope was lost, i thought i would give up, i thought that it wasnt meant to be...  But it was, there was a plan, and while i will never forget the pain i went through for this, it was all worth it and i wouldnt change it for the earth.

I have never felt this much joy in my life before, and i see the happiness in my husbands eyes and know he feels the same...

Praise the Lord for a miracle!

Fear can keep us up all night long, but faith makes one fine pillow. Anon