11 years ago i was a teenager trying to figure out who i was, there were days where i felt trapped and scared and there were days where i wasnt sure where i was going or where things were headed, days where confusion overcame me and my soul felt like it was trapped in a body that didnt know quite how to express its self.

5 years ago i was a young adult trying once again to figure out who i was and where i fit into the world, searching for something that would give me inspiration and peace within, searching for love, laughter and the endless want of ‘happily ever after’

3 years ago i thought i had the world in my palms, i thought that finally i knew who i was and where i fit into this world, my soul was in love, content and just as it should be.

But 2 years ago, my soul was changed forever, and today i am left searching to find myself and my place in this world once again.

Infertility takes away a part of your soul that you can never get back, it changes who you are, and takes the confidence you spent the better part of your younger life finding…. And now that i have been blessed to overcome my infertility and to hold my precious miracle child in my arms i am still left searching for the place in this world where i fit.

Life changes us, it changes our souls.  I once thought that once we found our ‘spot’ in this world, once we finally realised who we are, once we got past our teenage years of tormented souls, i thought that it would be easy, that we would know who we were and that we would never have to search for our confidence or try to find our place in this world once again…

But i was wrong.

Infertility has changed my soul, pregnancy has changed my soul, and being a mother has changed my place in this world, it has changed who i am, and it has changed the confidence i have in myself.

I am slowly realising that everything in life changes our souls, i am slowly realising that each day, each new event, everything we go through is a chance to rediscover ourselves, and a chance for change – hopefully for the better….

I learned something last night….

I learned that sometimes technology as awesome as it is, sometimes cant really help you, sometimes it is more of a burden than a blessing, and i learned that sometimes, just as many people have told me before, sometimes you just need to have a little faith and put your trust in the Lord & yourself…

You see, last night was the second night my little miracle slept in her own room…

It was the hardest most pondered on decision of my life.  Ok so maybe not as hard as the decision to do IVF, hmm and maybe not as hard as the decision to put one or two embies back in… But it was hard!

I have spent the past few weeks debating whether it was time or not, and having an internal debate about baby monitors, thoughts and ideas swirling round my head, horror stories creeping into my dreams, yet at the same time dreams of a full nights sleep, and dreams that one day soon my husband and i can be more like partners rather than friends…

I wanted to do this right, i wanted to make sure i didnt desert my little one, and leave her in her own room for something dreadful to happen…. Because like every new parent, and maybe a little more because of what we have been through, i am so scared that something is going to happen, scared that my miracle will be taken away from me, and with all that they tell you with all the new information out there on SIDS, i wanted to make sure i was doing this right.

So i bought a monitor with sensor pads.

And for me, it didnt work…

The technology worked, but the fears were still there, the technology did not take my fears away, it did not help me get through the night without checking on my daughter a thousand times, the technology did not help me through the night without worrying that something was wrong, without thinking that the worst was to happen…

So i took it back.

Yup i took the fancy pants monitor back to the shop, and last night my daughter slept unasisted in her own room… Still in the basanett – but none the less, in her own room.

And guess what?

We made it, both of us.

Now tonight is another night, tomorrow is another day, but today i feel ok about it.  I am starting to believe that she will be ok in her own room, that after nine long months inside me and after nine short weeks by my side i am ready to close my eye of a night and know that she will be ok.

Maybe it seems a little dramatic, all this fuss over moving her 6 meters away (no seriously its about 6 meters) but after all that we went through, and through all the pain that will forever remain in my heart….  This is huge.

And from this experience i will know in my heart for the rest of my life that technology in all its glory, will never take away the fears we hold onto, that fear is something that we have to pass on, something we have to overcome in our own time and in our own ways.

I believe i have mentioned before that i think naming a baby is a huge responsibility…  I mean if you think about it, you are giving someone something that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives…

And as we drove down to the furniture shop my husband and i had a little discussion…

It has to be cute enough to suit a little baby, normal enough to get your child through primary and then high school without being teased, or without the name becoming anything other than what it is, then the name has to be smart enough, or should i say reflect intellegance enough to get your child through college and into carrer….

I am just going to say it, there is a lot ridding on a name.  And it may seem that i am being very, hmmm trying to think of the right word, very vain.  It may seem like i believe choosing the right name will change my miracles personality, or belief in him/herself, but if you think about it, it is in some situations true.

If i child is teased at school because of their name, will that not effect their personality?  If a name is too ‘cute’ or ‘weird’ will that not effect the way they are looked upon by peers?  I know that when a child becomes an adult these influences disappear, but by that stage, maybe my child wont like their name anymore, maybe all the teasing and carring on over a name would have made them hate it, or wish for another…To me, that is an influence on a lifetime… but, maybe i am wrong.

On  the other hand, there maybe a name you like, however you know of someone that you dislike with that name, you therefore wont use that name. I find that aspect funny as well, if you know someone, and dont like the person, you instantly dont like the name, why is that? For fear that the name will change the personality?  Maybe? Maybe not.

So what is in a name, and will it affect a personality, and if you have named a child, how did you go about it?  It is like an endless circle, a decision that has to be made, a choice that you cant take back, something that influences three people…

Integrity: A name is the blueprint of the thing we call character. You ask, What’s in a name? I answer, Just about everything you do. Morris Mandel

Two words that can change the way you feel, two words is all it takes to bring you from cloud nine to reality, yet it is also two words that will take you right back to where you started on cloud nine.

The first two words of my appointment yesterday, they were the two words that can take just that little bit of hope away, like plucking the stem of the apple, or a leaf from a bushy tree… Just enough for concern to grow, just enough for your smile to vanish for just one second.

High Risk.

I knew all along that this is the case, i knew when i started what i was getting myself into and i knew before that appointment that this wasnt going to be easy, and i knew that this wasnt just going to be the ‘standard’ – but then again, who is?  It was just to hear the words, to to hear it out loud, for it to be confirmed that just makes it real, makes the knowing just that little bit more scary.

I know it is normal to have some fear, and i know that i am no different to anyone else, than people in my situation, and i never, ever ever forget how blessed i am to even be this far, but with SLE or with auto immune disorders, or just with high risk pregnancy’s, it is scary, your body does different things, and the doctors are never sure just how you will react.  I know that people have babies all the time. with worse illnesses than me, but i think it is the unknown, the un-understood, and the un-felt of the little child inside of you that makes it hard.

Two words is all it takes.

And the two words that i treasure, the two words that remind me that this is real, the two words that give me hope, faith, and something to hold on to when all else fails…

A Heartbeat.

That rippled, wheerly sound, that you instantly recognize… That is what i hold onto, that is what gets me to sleep at night, and that it what gives me hope and makes me believe in tomorrow.

In all things it is better to hope than to despair. Johann Wolfgang

100 days ago i made a choice to do one final cycle.  I wrote on my white board in permanent marker – “when the world shouts give up, hope whispers one more time” And we gave it one more time.

I honestly hoped for a miracle but i told my heart i wouldnt let myself believe it, i told myself that i wouldnt let myself dream and i told myself i wouldnt break down.

But i did.

I hoped like hell, i cried until there were no more tears left, i begged and i pleaded with the Lord, screamed in pain and i cried some more.  I wanted this more than anything else, and i wanted my one last chance to be it.

100 days ago i thought that i would have an answer 68 days ago – 100 days ago i thought that i would no longer need to write and i thought that my 100 day challenge would be over on day 99, i had thought that i would have my final answer and that my journey would not need to continue.

But 100 days ago was just the beginning.  100 days ago was day 1 of the final cycle that would change my life forever, it was the begining of my miracle, and the begining of the rest of our life as a family.

100 days ago, i jumped in one last time for happiness, 100 days ago my prayers were finally answered, and my faith and hope restored.

I will never forget my 100 days of IVF, i will never forget my first 100 days in the quest to chase our little miracle, and i will never forget that when the world shouted give up, hope, love, and true friends whispered one more time.

For without that hope, without love, and without those true friends, there would have never been that one more time, and there may never have been day 100 of the final cycle to chase our little miracle.

Once you choose hope, anything’s possible. Christopher Reeve

Today i didnt break down, but i cried…

I cried for me, and i cried for you.

I cried because i know your pain, i cried because i understand, i cried because i want to help and i cant, i cried because i wished i could be there, i cried because i cant see you, but i can feel your pain…

So i say the only thing i can say, you will survive… Learn from my pain, learn from my story, and know that you will get by, you will survive.  You will find yourself again, it will be ok, there is hope, have faith.  When the world is screaming the impossible, scream back “nothing is impossible, with God, all is possible” and you will survive.

Trippin out
Spinning around
I’m underground
I fell down
Yeah I fell down

I’m freaking out, where am I now?
Upside down and I can’t stop it now
Can’t stop me now, oh oh

I, I’ll get by
I, I’ll survive
When the world’s crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don’t you try to stop me
I, I won’t cry

I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet, on the ground
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I’ll take a stand until the end

I, I’ll get by
I, I’ll survive
When the world’s crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don’t you try to stop me
I, I won’t cry

I, I’ll get by
I, I’ll survive
When the world’s crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don’t you try to stop me
I, and I won’t cry

When the storm clouds cover ever ounce of hope you have left, when you are in deeper than you have ever been before, when nothing makes sense, and everything is against you, remember these three things:

1. Courage - The quality of mind that enables a person to face difficulty without fear and with bravery.
2. Love - knowing that no matter how dark your cloud, no matter how heavy your heart, no matter what, love will get you though.  There is a man on the other side of the bed who will stick by you no matter what happens. And,
3. Hope - Nothing can be done without hope.  For I know then plans I have for you, says the Lord.  They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and hope.  Jeremiah 29:11

Faith is knowing that the the sun has risen even when the clouds cover every ray of light.

To be honest i have a weee lil bit of a temper… My sister and i call it the “Bowen trait” and we have always said that any man that can put up with a Bowen is a keeper, and well we have both found our keepers… And after last night i am not sure my keeper really knew what he was in for when he said “I do”!

It is a fact that sometimes my frustrations get the better of me and i will just get so angry and overwhelmed and something i am doing or a situation that i have put myself into that i just have to stomp or yell it out…

And last night i shocked myself, because for the first time in my pregnancy i got all worked up and frustrated, and i honestly couldnt help it!  I tried not to get upset, i tried to be calm, but i couldnt, i just got so annoyed at the situation – and it really started worrying me.

This couldnt have been good for lil george, getting so worked up inside?  I asked myself how do i stop? And last night i did something i dont usually do.  I gave up.  I shut my computer, got a bowl of ice-cream, and gave up… I went to bed without a solution.  I have NEVER done that in my life!  I always go to be with solutions, and i always finish what i am doing, and i never emotional eat… But i did.

I think last night this was a wise decision, but i dont want to be the person who gives up… I want to conquer and succeed!  I want to find a solution to my challenges.

So my question this morning is not how to avoid the frustration, because we all know that is impossible, it is how on earth do i stop myself getting so worked up and find a solution that is not giving in?  How do i control the uncontrollable?  How do i realise i am in the middle of a situation that can only be solved when i am calm?

I need to be the one that succeeds, but now i need to be the one that doesnt get so frustrated and angry first…

Our frustration is greater when we have much and want more than when we have nothing and want some. We are less dissatisfied when we lack many things than when we seem to lack but one thing. Eric Hoffer

BARHUMBUG!

That is what i am saying to valentines day.

Maybe it is because the love of my life is not a romantic, maybe it is because i have never ‘truely’ recieved a valentine, or maybe it is because i believe that love isnt about a commercialised day.

Love is about every minute of every day, of every year you are together.

I have learned over the past ten years that love is not about choclates or flowers, or about the ‘stuff’ you get for christmas an birthdays… Love is about the hugs at the end of a bad day, love is about telling someone that it will be okay, even when you know it wont, and love is about respecting the person you are with, and loveing them even though sometimes you really just want to hate them.

I have learned over the past year that the one you love can hurt you in ways you never thought possible to forgive, and i have leaned that forgiveness for the unforgivable is what love and marriage is truly about.  Over the past year i have learned more about myself and my love for my husband, and vice versa, then i ever thought possible.  And i know that no matter the challenges this world throws at us, we will get through it, no matter what we go through, no matter how hard our journey becomes, we will always have each other, each and every minute of every trying day.

Love is not a day, love is in a lifetime.  Love is not in a gift or a card, love is in the words you speak, and in the things you do.  True love is not a day, it is a lifetime.

When i was young i believed that happiness is what you make of it, i learned that when you accept thing as they are, when you decide that what you have is enough, that is when you can be happy….

Maybe that can be true, maybe if we learn to accept, then happiness is just around the corner.  But if i told you to believe this than i would be a hypocrite. If i have leaned anything in the past year, it is that happiness must be perused, and that no matter the challenge, if happiness is what you want, then you must go and get it no matter the cost.

There were so many times when i was told to stop, when i was told that i had changed, that i wasnt who i used to be, that i needed a break, that i needed to find happiness, that this pain wasnt worth it.  I was told out of love that i shouldnt put myself through the heart ache again and again and again, i was told this because all they saw was pain.

But i couldnt stop, i selfishly continued, i persevered, put myself through one of the hardest things anyone should have to put themselves through,  and i did it because i knew in my heart i wasnt going to find happiness without knowing that i did all that i could.

And i did do all that i could, and i would do it again and again, if it meant knowing that i would have the happiness that i have found in myself lately.

I want you to know that happiness can be found, that it can be perused. and i want you to know that giving up, believing that happiness is accepting, is not really happiness.

For those of you who are struggling, for those of you who are hurting, i want you to know that it is worth every second of pain.  I look back on my earlier days and even now, even though it was only 4 weeks ago, i have forgotten the pain…

I have forgotten those endless nights of crying, and i have forgotten the heart ache, and i have forgotten about all the times i was told to give up, and all the times i wanted to give up – not just on having a baby, but on my life as well.  It seems so far in the past right now, all i have to remember it by is my own words.

I dont know who you are, but hold on.  No matter how dark the tunnel, there is a light is still shining, and so long as that light is still there, there is hope.

By chance if you are watching someone else suffering, hurting like they have never hurt before, dont tell them to give up, dont add confusion to there turmoil.  The people you love, they know where their happiness is, and they are trying to get there… The only thing you can do is hold their hand and tell them you will walk with them through their hardship, and be with them every step of the way.  For they are the only ones who will know when enough is enough.

I may have given up a lot, i may have changed who i am, i may never be who i was…. But that is the cost of my happiness, and today if i give one thing, it is to let the world know that happiness must be pursued, no matter the cost.

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness.  Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost. H. Jackson Browne