IVF - It has to be one of the hardest things anyone should ever have to face.  The torment, the anguish, the pain, the money, and the decisions.

Do we spend the money, are there alternatives, will this work, is it worth it all?  So many questions, and hard life changing questions.  You spend sleepless nights wondering if you have done the right thing, if you are doing the right thing, or if you will regret your choices for an eternity.

And the decisions dont stop, they never stop!

Once you take the plunge and decide to go ahead, there are documents, legalities, sign here, initial there, would you like option a or option b?  And of course no one can make the decisions but you, you are the ones with all the pressure, you are the ones who have to make the final choice, and you are the ones that have to live with them.

Now that all is said and done, and now that for me the IVF has worked, i thought the decision making would be over, i thought that it would just be the one last responsibility of chooseing a name that would keep me up at night.

But i forgot about our frozens...

I forgot about our three potential babies.  I forgot about our frozen embies, hidden away in the deep freeze of the clinic, waiting, just waiting to be defrosted...

I know its not quite the time to be pondering about such life changing things, but the topic has come up twice in as many days, and well.... It has really got me thinking.

Do we try again? Do we want a sibbling for George?

Do we donate?

Or do we dispose?

Three things that haunt me about such a decision...

If we try again, will i get caught up?  If we decide to go ahead with putting the three back in and it doesnt work, will my desire take over, and will i then want to put myself through the whole tormenting IVF process again?  Will i forget what i have and loose myself again?

If we donate, will i spend a lifetime wondering?  I would love to give someone else out there an opportunity, but will i spend the rest of my life wondering if there is a child of mine out there?  Will i wonder about the potential baby i possibly gave away?

Or do we dispose?  Do i get rid of the little critters that i went through hell and back to get?  And if donating my embryo's is comparable to adoption in my mind, in the same thought is disposal comparable to abortion?

I know my mind is more than likely just playing games with me, and there will be a time later down the track where i will think it through more clearly, but it is something that people talk about, and ask me about...

At least for now they are safe and sound in the deep freeze...

You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions. Naguib Mahfouz

Who de fool?

We are!

I'd like to say that i was prepared for all of this... I'd like to say that we had been smart and thought of everything BEFORE we started TTCing, but to be honest we just stopped taking the pill and thought all would work itself out from there... But it didnt!

As you all know we needed help, and that became our priority, we didnt even really think about anything pregnancy related, well i didnt at least, for fear of disappointment later on...

So now that we have actually reached the goal that all married couples hope to reach, we have found ourselves unprepared for the questions that have now risen...

Two such topics came up in thursdays doctors appointment...

1. Private or Public - you see in Aus here you can choose whether to purchase health insurance or not, and silly DH & I said "when will we ever need that?" It seems now, we need it!  The debate with DH is, is the money worth it? I say yes, due to the fact of personalized care, and due to the fact that we have spend so much getting to this point.. We would never forgive ourselves if we didnt get the best care for our child.  DH's perspective, i could take more time off work...?
2. (Ewww) Vaginal Birth or C-Section - So i always assumed that vaginal was the norm... Nope it seems i was wrong, no norms anymore!  Apparently now there is a choice, and doctors seem to recommend C-Section...  But in saying that, that will only be an option if i go private, and it will cost more... But in saying THAT, again we only want the best for our baby, and what is best for our miracle...?

There are so many things i never even thought we would have to think about... And so many different opinions, i thought it would be nurseries and fluffy toys from here on in, i think i thought i knew what i wanted...  It is like this scary, wonderful, magnificent furr ball all wrapped up, and caught in my throat!

Ekkk... How do i want my baby to enter the world?   All I know i just want the safest and healthiest way for my baby, no matter the cost to me financially or physically... Now DH and i just have to find the guts make the choices....

HELP?!

Choices are the hinges of destiny.  ~Attributed to both Edwin Markham and Pythagoras

Okay so maybe not each day a new miracle, but each week.

Today i had my 5th scan of my pregnancy, and it never ever ceases, and i dont think it will ever cease to amaze me, just how a life grows, or just how quickly a life grows... I wish i could show you the images we have, but the clarity isnt enough, and the images just arnt enough to describe the amazement, the awe, and the feeling that the actual visual on the ultrasound gives me, just to see something go from nothing, to a void, to a void with a dot, to a void with a wriggling line (fetal pole) to todays vision.  A 0.92cm blob, with a beat, in a void, with a yolk...

I know i have said this before, and i know i should have faith no matter what, but each time i see my little miracle my faith is renewed... It just amazes me that a little life grows so fast, that i have finally got a life inside of me, that there is a part of me and my wonderful husband inside, just waiting to meet us...

I know it is easy for me to say, but miracles are real, miracles do happen every day.  Miracles dont have to be out of the ordinary, they just have to be extraordinary.  They just have to make you believe in something bigger than you or me, they have to make you believe in your heart that God is real, and they have to make you see that hope is worth holding onto...

I thought hope was lost, i thought i would give up, i thought that it wasnt meant to be...  But it was, there was a plan, and while i will never forget the pain i went through for this, it was all worth it and i wouldnt change it for the earth.

I have never felt this much joy in my life before, and i see the happiness in my husbands eyes and know he feels the same...

Praise the Lord for a miracle!

Fear can keep us up all night long, but faith makes one fine pillow. Anon

I was planning to post not only a wordless wednesday, but also i was thinking of blogging about something that rang true to me this morning... But then as i began to write, i began hesitating, i saved the draft and wondered if i should post or or not...

I will post it, but tomorrow...

The point is, lately i have been feeling reserved, like i am not sure where to go from here, or rather i know exactly what to write about, but i am worried about offending everyone... I dont know why i should feel so reserved - especially since i have never cared before, but now, it is like my miracle has come along, and now i am worried that if i write how i feel i will offend the friends i have made along the way to my miracle, or even worse offend my miracle...

I am so confused at the moment about where i stand... I know how all the TTC people feel, i have been there, but i feel like such a hypocrite now saying that it will be ok, cause for me it is ok - isnt it?

I also have my believes and sometimes i think that when i write about them, and my faith, or try to express my feelings  i am doing it wrong and i often feel that when i write i am offending the very people i want to learn from... I know i will move past these reservations, and i know that this blog in the end is for me and my miracle, but...

I dont know, i just feel like i need to hold back... or that i am holding back?

There is safety in reserve, but no attraction. One cannot love a reserved person. Jane Austen

Day Ninety of 100, or Day Twenty Three of this cycle - desperate times call for desperate measures... if you all recall, i ate pineapples, for three days infact... and yes, yes i was sick of them after three days, i swore i would never eat pineapples again...

However....

Maybe there is some truth to this mysterious fruit... Maybe the myths about the fruits holding magical powers for implantation, are not myths at all, maybe just maybe, in years to come, doctors will be telling us that pineapples are part of the program, along with all the prenatal vitamins, injections, nose sprays and pessaries... who knows?

What i do know is this time i ate pinapples, no other time did i eat pineapples, just this time, and wouldnt you know it, i am pregnant...

So i dont know about you.... but i need no further explanation... i am now an avid believer of pineapples for implantation...

What about you?

The world is full of magical things, whether you believe it or not is your choice.

I have been debating whether or not to write this or not, for fear of making my worst nightmares real, but this blog is me - the real me, inside and out, so i am not going to lie, or dismiss something that i am feeling.  And I am not sure who my audience is now, who is reading my blog, and i apologize if i offend anyone out there, but i am going to continue writing in the only way i know how... By telling the truth about me.

You know when you have news, really really GREAT news, people are so very excited for you, over the moon, so much so that it brings a tear to their eye?  But then, they care so much for you, they try to reassure you that it is going to be ok, even when you never thought it wouldnt?

I have gotten twice now "As long as you make it through the first 12 weeks"

They care, i know they do, they are just being real... and i wont lie, i am scared, i have my fears, but in the end i have to be positive, i have to rebuke my fears and doubts and just believe. I must to have faith, i do have faith...

But this is all so new to me, so exciting, so life defining, everything i ever imagined, how could i not pinch myself, do a double take, want to make sure this is real, and that it is not in my head, and make sure that it will never end?

Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible. Mary McLeod Bethune

To my dearest little miracle,

I never imagined that something so small could bring me so much joy.  I never imagined i would feel so much love so early on... But you have, and i do...

For a long time i wasnt allowed to believe you were mine, for so long i was told to proceed with caution, but i have to believe this is it, i have to believe you are in there, your heart beating stronger and stronger each minute, and i believe with all my heart and soul that my little miracle, you will be with me and your father in the spring of 2010.

I may be told to proceed with caution, but i have waited for so long for this moment, for this dream to become reality, i want to cherish every moment of it... And because you fill my heart with a joy i never imagined possible, because i love you so dearly more and more each day, because i believe that you are my miracle, i pray.

I pray each and every day for you, and i will pray for you each day until i hold you in my arms, and even then i wont stop praying for you.  I want you to know that you are a miracle, and i want you to believe that no matter how much science can explain your existence, i believe with every ounce of my being, that you are a miracle, sent to me from the Lord above...

Love from a mother that will be...

For those who have love there are always miracles

To my dearest little miracle,

I chased you, i sought you, and now i see you... One week ago i saw a void, i saw a miracle begin...  Today i witnessed yet another miracle, today i saw your little heart beat, i saw a life inside of me that is no bigger than a few millimeters... My little miracle, today i got to celebrate your life, today i finally got the confirmation that you were alive, that you were really there, that you my little miracle will one day soon be in my arms...

Happiness overcame me, tears flowed down my cheeks as i saw this tiny little life inside of me move... I have never experienced anything as amazing as i did today, i have never felt so overwhelmed with the knowledge that there is a God and he is listening...

My miracle there is nothing more that can express to you my deepest emotions...

Love from a mother that will be

You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen. Paulo Coelho

The heart has reasons that reason does not understand. Jacques Benigne Bossuel

Today i pray, because while i have complete faith that what is meant to be will be, i am scared... I have no idea how i will face the next few days, i have to be positive, but i am still scared to let myself hope for fear of devastation.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for giving George the chance she has had, thank you for giving her the strength to grow each day, and each day showing me a new miracle.

I pray now that you continue to give George the strength to keep growing, i pray that you give our embryo a heart, the most beautiful heart that will grow to love you and your word.  I pray that Georges heart, the heart you give life to this week, grows stronger and stronger by the day and by the minute...

I pray that this miracle of ours proves that you are real, proves living each day by faith and trusting in you brings miracles, proves that we all can trust in the power of prayer...

Lord, as i do each day, i pray for all the ladies out there who have suffered or are suffering in a story similar to mine, i pray that you give them courage they need to continue, and most importantly peace within, and the ability to find happiness.

I also pray for the women out there who dont understand what it is like to appreciate life, nor see the miracle in each life that you give, i pray that somehow they find compassion and understanding as well as the ability to appreciate what you have blessed them with...

Lord, thank you for all you have blessed me with, and i ask once more that you be with George and give her all the strength that she needs...

In Jesus Name i Pray

Amen...

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 NKJV

I just want this over.  I want my final cry and i want to get on with my life.  I dont care anymore.  No matter how much i pray, no matter how much i scream, no matter how much i wish, and no matter how much i cry out to the Lord for a miracle, no matter how much i chase this... It only hurts more.

I want to say that i am angry, i want to hate this world and what it puts us through, i want to blame someone, i want to punch something, and most of all i want to hate God - but i cant... I just cant because i am over it, i am honestly just over it, i dont want to do this anymore - I WANT OUT!

Dont get me wrong... I want a child more than anything else on this earth, but more than that, i want to be whole.  I want my life back, i want to wake up in the morning and have hope, i want to wake up to a schedule, i want to wake up and be proud of myself and what i have achieved, i want nothing more on this earth than to be happy, and this not knowing, this limbo land, this maybe maybe not... It makes me say over and over and over again I WANT OUT!

I want to run away my pain, i want to wake up and think, ok this is the plan, this is who i am and what i am going to achieve this year.. but i cant because i am stuck, i am stuck in limbo land waiting the worst wait of my life.

To my dearest little miracle,

Are you there? Your mother and father need to know what is happening, as much as we love you, we cant do this anymore.  We are hurting from places even deeper than the places we never thought we could hurt, and we need to grieve, but we cant because there are no definite answers. I need to know, we need to know where you are, if you are there?

My little one, we still love you, and still hope for this miracle, i pray for this miracle to be a true miracle, where the unexpected and unexplained happens...

My Dearest little miracle if you are still there be strong and show yourself... Show yourself in all your beauty...

Love from a mother that may never be.

Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow. Dorothy Thompson

You know that feeling when your not sure whether to cry, laugh, or simply shake your head at yourself... That is me.  I have literally spent the whole day trying to think of something funny to post tonight, something that could make light of the ridiculousness of my behavior over the past 36 hours... But i couldnt think of anything that would or could possibly explain it...

I have over the last couple of days been exploring myself for signs of pregnancy, i guess to confirm that i havent hurt anything, and maybe to reassure myself that everything is going to be ok on monday.  I have picked up a calendar, then quickly put it down about three times already, thinking about dates, then not letting myself explore that just yet, telling myself that there will be time for that in the weeks to come.  I have checked out my boobs more in the past three days then i have ever in my life time. I even showed DH and asked if he thought they looked bigger!... I have wondered about nausea and tiredness and little cramps.  I have wondered about the coffee i was drinking and the fetta cheese that i couldnt avoid in last nights salad... I have wandered every time i peed, whether i was peeing more than normal... From any other perspective i might just be considered INSANE! And then i think to myself - is this normal? Is this what other IVF or TTC people think when they find out they are pregnant? or maybe pregnant?

But then again, what else do i do?  What else would anyone else in this situation do?

I am scared to hope for fear of breaking down if the outcome is not as hoped, i am scared to think negatively for fear of sending negative vibes.  I am worried about the outcome, yet i know that whatever happens happens, and i will be ok in the end - it just goes round and round and back again, and i still wonder if this is normal? And even how long this will continue?

I know that in 48 hours there will be an answer, and this craziness might possibly subside - I just hope it is the answer i spent the past 102 days dreaming about...

Sometimes the answer to prayer is not that it changes life, but that it changes you. James Dillet Freeman

To my dearest little miracle,

I thought that day 100 would bring me answers, i thought that i would begin the new year knowing just where i stood, and what my plan for 2010 would bring me.  I thought that day 100 would bring me a solid answer to end my journey.

But like many other days on this topsy turvy journey, i say - i was wrong.

There are no answers just yet, not today, not tomorrow, and not even the day after that, just waiting, hoping, praying, believing that you are inside of me growing.

Last night i cried, i cried for you my little miracle and i cried for me.  I cried because i dont know how to live without chasing you, and i cried because i am not sure if this is the end or if this is the beginning...

I cried to God and i asked out loud for peace and happiness, i asked why i cant stop thinking about you, and i asked why day 100 couldnt have brought me the answers i so desperately desired...

As i lay there crying, i turned to your father, i asked him why i couldnt just turn the switch off, why i couldnt go back to being who i was before i was chasing you, why there are never solid answers, and why even in a positive situation, there is still so much turmoil and heartache.  Your father turned to me and said the most sincere thing i have ever heard him say, he told me that God had turned the switch on, and right now, at this point in time, God wanted that switch to stay on.

Your father then rolled over, and in the dead of the night said to me, this is not the end, this is the start of a new journey, its is not over, it is just a new beginning, a new day, a new year, and a new story to be told...

So my little miracle, this is not the end, this is the beginning, and tomorrow marks day one of the rest of my journey Chasing a Miracle, searching for you, hoping and believing that you are in me growing, gaining strength, just waiting to meet us.

Never forget my child, that i will forever chase you, as you will always be in my heart. If i never get the chance to meet you, i promise i will never forget the journey, nor the people i have meet along the way.  And as i have said many times before, know that your father and i love you more than anything on this earth and no matter what happened, no matter what challenges were thrown our way, we faced this journey chasing a miracle searching for you.

Love from a mother that may never be.

What we call the end is also the begining.  The end is where we start from. TS Elliot

To my dearest little miracle,

I am sorry, i am so very sorry. I thought i knew, i thought i was so sure that this was it, that this was the end, i thought it was over... I really thought i knew, i thought you wernt there... I thought this was the end for a while, i was ready to give up, but my little one i may be wrong, i may have taken you for granted.

How could i be so wrong, how could i not know? And how could i have been ready to give up? I am just so confused, so scared, so much in limbo land...

I want to have hope, i want to believe that this is it, that you are in me growing, alive and just waiting to meet me, but i finally got used to this being over, and now i am scared that if i hope, if i hold on to that little chance that this is my miracle, that you are here, i am scared that it wont be.  And if you are not, if i have ruined this chance because of my need to run and my need to push myself physically, because of my need to to all the things i was never meant to do, if i have broken this chance through stupidity - i know i will fall apart, and i am scared that i wont be able to pick my self up once more.

I love you my little one, and i promise that i will allow myself just a little bit of hope and faith for you. And my precious one i must confess to you that the other morning on my walk i dared God to show me a miracle.  Maybe this is God, proving to me that it is time for my miracle, and while day 99 nor day 100 of my search for you may not bring me certainty, it will bring me hope.  And in the end my love, this was a journey of hope, faith, and love...

Love from a mother that may never be

Hope, faith and love.  Without these three where would we be?

I hope this post is not taken the wrong way  - but i am a little frustrated, and mostly with myself.

I am feeling fat.  Under normal circumstances i would go for a run, a fast, long and hard run.  But i can not, and for good reasons - and i dont mind that fact, but it doesnt change the fact that i feel fat.

Last year i was so disciplined with myself, i wouldnt eat anything unhealthy, no chocolate, no lollies, no carbs - i was awesome!

But this year slowly as the infertility issues got worse and with each hopeful proceedure, i began eating more and working out a little less as hard.  i had the excuse of - ill be pregnant so it wont matter.

Now a year later. and i think i am about 5kg heavier, and right now, at this second,  am just feeling fat.

I have once again, like many other, and like i have in the past, fallen victim to "emotional eating"

I have infact just finished two plates of apple crumble and ice cream.

I look at myself sometimes and think "what have i done?"

Why cant i just stop myself from eating? Why am i victim to these eating habits again? Why does food make me feel so good?

And if i cant stop myself now, how will i control it when i am pregnant and after i have my child...

i plan to go for a walk when it cools down this afternoon - but it is not enough.  Why did i do that? eat two serves of apple crumble?

And why do i care so much?

I am not disgustingly unhealthy - most of the time i eat wholemeal and soy... It really just is the weekend...

I really wish that i could get rid of my 'appearance issues' .. they will have to go quickly when i begin to grow a belly...

Oh i dont know, i really really dont know anymore, i know i am just silly, i know that i am being stupid, but honestly i do sometimes look at myself and wish that it wasnt a struggle for me.

What should i do? How do i approach my body fears? And how can i get over my emotional eating habits, before i loath myself?

What would you do?

“How things look on the outside of us depends on how things are on the inside of us.” Anon