What makes us who we are?

September 17, 2012 Leave a Comment

What are we, if not a compilation of our emotions?

Who are we, if not a collection of the things that have happened to us?

Our experiences they are part of us – part of what makes us grow, of what makes us learn, and of what makes us whole.

My hurt my pain my tears and heart ache. The feeling inside that I cannot escape, the emotion I cannot turn off, the fear, the doubt, the anxiousness, and the pain. The pain that runs so deep I have no choice but to feel it. That there is what, in part, makes me who I am.

My suffering – it is what gives me my empathy, my love for strangers, my hopes for a better world.  My tears they are what gives me my strength.

My past – it makes me who I am.

And in every beat that my heart gives there is a hope that others can learn from my past, my pain and most importantly my faith that we can all heal…

To me, we are all a compilation of our emotions – a collection of experiences that make us feel what we feel – that make us who we are…

Filed Under: My Miracles Life Begins, Two to Three years Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Our Souls Are Forever Changing…

November 1, 2010 Leave a Comment

Day 68 in my miracles life

11 years ago i was a teenager trying to figure out who i was, there were days where i felt trapped and scared and there were days where i wasnt sure where i was going or where things were headed, days where confusion overcame me and my soul felt like it was trapped in a body that didnt know quite how to express its self.

5 years ago i was a young adult trying once again to figure out who i was and where i fit into the world, searching for something that would give me inspiration and peace within, searching for love, laughter and the endless want of ‘happily ever after’

3 years ago i thought i had the world in my palms, i thought that finally i knew who i was and where i fit into this world, my soul was in love, content and just as it should be.

But 2 years ago, my soul was changed forever, and today i am left searching to find myself and my place in this world once again.

Infertility takes away a part of your soul that you can never get back, it changes who you are, and takes the confidence you spent the better part of your younger life finding…. And now that i have been blessed to overcome my infertility and to hold my precious miracle child in my arms i am still left searching for the place in this world where i fit.

Life changes us, it changes our souls.  I once thought that once we found our ‘spot’ in this world, once we finally realised who we are, once we got past our teenage years of tormented souls, i thought that it would be easy, that we would know who we were and that we would never have to search for our confidence or try to find our place in this world once again…

But i was wrong.

Infertility has changed my soul, pregnancy has changed my soul, and being a mother has changed my place in this world, it has changed who i am, and it has changed the confidence i have in myself.

I am slowly realising that everything in life changes our souls, i am slowly realising that each day, each new event, everything we go through is a chance to rediscover ourselves, and a chance for change – hopefully for the better….

Filed Under: My Miracles Life Begins, One to Three Months Tagged With: , , , ,

Day 301 – If i could just make it through another day…

July 20, 2010 4 Comments

Thirty Three Weeks. 49 Days to go…

Plain and simply this is hard.

Harder than i thought it would be.

Today i went back to work.  I thought it would be a good distraction, and i thought that it would ease my mind to know that i was being productive….

But today was hard.

I am scared… Well maybe not so much as scared but worried.  I am worried that i am going to miss the signs, that i am not going to be in the right place at the right time… Worried that i diagnose my back pain as back pain rather than labor, worried that if something happens i will not be prepared…

I am sitting here worried that i have got everything wrong, that i cant do this, that i am once again going to stuff up…

I guess i am just second guessing myself, my faith and my instincts… I dont want to, but reality has hit and i am.

Maybe it will be better tomorrow.  Maybe i wont have back pain tomorrow, maybe i will feel more comfortable, maybe if i can just get through today, tomorrow it will be better.

Maybe it wont.

I dont know…. I just dont know up from down, left from right anymore… Plain and simply, i am confused about everything, and just want the next 7 weeks to pass and to have my little miracle in my arms safe and sound…

Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you. Roger Ebert

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: , , ,

Day 191 – One year…

April 1, 2010 Leave a Comment

Seventeen Weeks, Two Days. Day 122 in the quest to chase our little miracle

One year ago today, was the first time i imagined my miracle becoming a reality.

One year ago today was the first time i was allowed to dream, allowed to hope, and allowed to pray for a miracle.

One year ago today, was the first time the doctors told me there was a chance.

April 1, 2009 was the first time i sat in the doctors chair with my heart racing, expecting the best news in just two short weeks.

April 1, 2009 was my first IUI.

I look back now, and think to myself how naive i was, how much false expectation i had, and just how much pain that caused me two short weeks later.

Yet i went on. Easter came and past, i cried like i had never cried before, and i went on.

I went on through the pain, i went on to hope, and i went on to pray for my miracle.

One year ago today, was the true begninging of this journey.

One year ago today i didnt know half of who i was, i didnt know half of who i was to become, and i didnt know half of the journey i was about to embark on.

But i sit here today and i wonder to myself, if i knew the journey i was to face, the pain i was to endure, would i be here now, or would i be in an alternate universe?

And i sit here and wonder what one year from now i will be writing, one year from now i will be thinking, what one year from now i will be hoping and praying for.

One year.  Such a short time, yet such a long journey in life.

Success is not in your possessions, it is the things you hope for and the things you do to make dreams become reality, and to make the people you love smile.

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: , , , ,

Day 189 – The pain doesnt stop hurting

March 30, 2010 Leave a Comment

Seventeen Weeks. Day 120 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I made a comment to my colleges today as i ate my lunch, and as my eyes filled with tears, and as i got strange looks, i realised that the pain i went through just a short while ago is still so real in my mind.

This morning as i read my updates on twitter, i saw that my good friend Holly was hurting just as i have hurt before.  I was reminded of the pain of IVF and just how it never stops, reminded that no matter what happens, no matter how good the news, it still hurts, and there are still so many uncertintys and so much doubt, it never stops hurting.

I honestly wanted to break down, i thought my limbo land was a one off thing, and i thought that i wouldnt have to see it happen to anyone, let alone someone who is my friend, let alone someone i care about, let alone someone who deserves more.

I have said this so many times before, and i said it today in that lunch room, you wouldnt wish IVF or IF on your worst enemy, you woulnt, you couldnt.  No one deserves this much pain, no one, it takes your soul away, it takes whatever you had inside of you and reduces it to pain and suffering.  Even now, with all the hope in the world, i am crying.  I am crying for the pain i see in a friend, and i am crying for the pain i went through to get here, i wish i could take it away, i wish i could take my pain away, and i wish i could take the pain in my dear friend away.

Even now, even with seventeen weeks behind me, with everything in front of me, i still dont understand, i cant understand, why?  Yes i learned so much about myself, yes i grew in faith, and yes i am a stronger woman for enduring what i did, but why? Just why?

Dear Lord,

Thank you for the blessings i have received and the little miracles you have shown me over the past year, i pray for continued strength in myself and in my george, and i pray today for courage not only in myself, but for someone who is suffering just as i have suffered before.

Lord, please be with Holly over the next few weeks, please give her the strength she needs, and let her feel your presence with her as she struggles through her fears.  I pray that the life inside of my dear friend continues to grow and gain strength each and every day, i pray that her suffering ends and i pray that happiness follows, and that the life inside her shows others that miracles happen and that you are real, and faith is worth holding onto.

Once again i pray for courage, hope, and faith for all the women i know out there who need it most.

I  Jesus name i pray,

AMEN.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Day 185 – Exhaustion, emotions, and its consequences

March 26, 2010 Leave a Comment

Sixteen Weeks, three days. Day 117 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Exhaustion overcomes me, and my emotions overwhelm me, i cant think, i dont think, i am just reacting….

I have made so many mistakes this week, hurt people i dont want to hurt, and why? becuase i am not in control, because no matter how hard i try my reactions are just over emotional.

I wish i could explain to people just how not in control i am, no matter what i do i am overreacting, and no matter how much i know i am doing it i cant stop it.

It is different to the kind if emotional i have felt before, it is the kind of emotional that makes me just want to curl up and sleep, curl up and dream of my future to come, curl up and pray that my miracle is ok, that my miracle will survive the distance.

This week i have been hurt, i have been angry, i have been scared, and of course i have been happy, but i have let these emotions out when i should have kept them in, i have let them out and hurt people because i should have left them in.

How can i stop this, how can i let my emotions go, just accept and move on, just live with the way things are, and the way things should be, accept change, accept my future no matter what it brings?

Exhaustion, i can barley keep my eyes open, and maybe that is where the emotions stem from?

I hope tomorrow brings a calmer day, i pray tomorrow brings security and peace within.

I hope tomorrow brings forgivness for the hurt i accidentaly caused.

I hope tomorrow i can be the person i know i am, emotions kept in check.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. Albert Einstein

Filed Under: The Final Cycle, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , ,

Day 182 – Two Words

March 23, 2010 Leave a Comment

Sixteen Weeks. Day 114 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Two words that can change the way you feel, two words is all it takes to bring you from cloud nine to reality, yet it is also two words that will take you right back to where you started on cloud nine.

The first two words of my appointment yesterday, they were the two words that can take just that little bit of hope away, like plucking the stem of the apple, or a leaf from a bushy tree… Just enough for concern to grow, just enough for your smile to vanish for just one second.

High Risk.

I knew all along that this is the case, i knew when i started what i was getting myself into and i knew before that appointment that this wasnt going to be easy, and i knew that this wasnt just going to be the ‘standard’ – but then again, who is?  It was just to hear the words, to to hear it out loud, for it to be confirmed that just makes it real, makes the knowing just that little bit more scary.

I know it is normal to have some fear, and i know that i am no different to anyone else, than people in my situation, and i never, ever ever forget how blessed i am to even be this far, but with SLE or with auto immune disorders, or just with high risk pregnancy’s, it is scary, your body does different things, and the doctors are never sure just how you will react.  I know that people have babies all the time. with worse illnesses than me, but i think it is the unknown, the un-understood, and the un-felt of the little child inside of you that makes it hard.

Two words is all it takes.

And the two words that i treasure, the two words that remind me that this is real, the two words that give me hope, faith, and something to hold on to when all else fails…

A Heartbeat.

That rippled, wheerly sound, that you instantly recognize… That is what i hold onto, that is what gets me to sleep at night, and that it what gives me hope and makes me believe in tomorrow.

In all things it is better to hope than to despair. Johann Wolfgang

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: , , , ,

Day 177 – Over Emotional

March 18, 2010 Leave a Comment

Fifteen Weeks, two days. Day 109 in the quest to chase our little miracle

You know the feeling of uncontrollable emotions, its the feeling of frustration you get from thousands of follicle stimulating drugs – you know that feeling…

When the emotions are all messed up, when you cant control what you are feeling or the extent to what you are feeling them to.  When your mind is so messed up everything is 100 times worse then it really is.  When yelling your frustrations out is your only option, when crying uncontrollably is the only thing that will sort your brain out, when no in between emotion is acceptable?

You know that feeling….

It has come back, with a vengeance…

Week fifteen, and i can not in anyway control how i am feeling.

I am not sure if it is because i am working so hard and for such long hours, or if because i am just tired, or maybe i have really turned into the crazy bitch i feared i was…?

All i know is that my emotions are escaping me day in and day out, and i cant help but to say what i think, i cant help but to get angry, and i cant help but to let everything frustrate me no end…

I will try to put them back in, i have recognized that i am over emotional and i will try, but well…. It really is that feeling of not being in control.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. Phyllis Diller

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Day 175 – Just a little scared

March 16, 2010 Leave a Comment

Fifteen Weeks. Day 107 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I thought by now the stress or worry about the pregnancy would be over, and i thought that in my mind i would have confidence and security about the future.

But to be honest i dont, and to be honest i am scared out of my mind.

There are so many if, buts, maybes, questions you dont want to ask yourself, fears you are afraid to admit, and most of all fears that you are scared that if you admit people will think poorly of you.

I am scared that i have done something wrong, or that i will do something wrong that will hurt my george.  I am scared that geroge is not ok in there, because i cannot feel anything but slight little cramps that the doctor tells me is ligaments stretching and moving. I am scared that i will start to bleed, and i am scared that my stress from work will hurt little george.

I am scared that if i make it to september, that i wont be a good mother, i am scared that i will be cranky, and i am scared that i will do everything wrong.

I am scared because i am scared, and i am scared that being scared is stupid.

I just dont know, i have turned into an over emotional, over thinking stressed little girl who should be grateful for what she has, but is to scared to even let herself dream.

Where has my courage gone?

Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death. Earl Wilson

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Day 168 – 100 Days ago…

March 9, 2010 Leave a Comment

Fourteen Weeks. Day 100 in the quest to chase our little miracle

100 days ago i made a choice to do one final cycle.  I wrote on my white board in permanent marker – “when the world shouts give up, hope whispers one more time” And we gave it one more time.

I honestly hoped for a miracle but i told my heart i wouldnt let myself believe it, i told myself that i wouldnt let myself dream and i told myself i wouldnt break down.

But i did.

I hoped like hell, i cried until there were no more tears left, i begged and i pleaded with the Lord, screamed in pain and i cried some more.  I wanted this more than anything else, and i wanted my one last chance to be it.

100 days ago i thought that i would have an answer 68 days ago – 100 days ago i thought that i would no longer need to write and i thought that my 100 day challenge would be over on day 99, i had thought that i would have my final answer and that my journey would not need to continue.

But 100 days ago was just the beginning.  100 days ago was day 1 of the final cycle that would change my life forever, it was the begining of my miracle, and the begining of the rest of our life as a family.

100 days ago, i jumped in one last time for happiness, 100 days ago my prayers were finally answered, and my faith and hope restored.

I will never forget my 100 days of IVF, i will never forget my first 100 days in the quest to chase our little miracle, and i will never forget that when the world shouted give up, hope, love, and true friends whispered one more time.

For without that hope, without love, and without those true friends, there would have never been that one more time, and there may never have been day 100 of the final cycle to chase our little miracle.

Once you choose hope, anything’s possible. Christopher Reeve

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