Day 165 – You twit, your a tweet nerd!

March 6, 2010 0 Comments

Thirteen weeks, four days. Day 97 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I never understood tweeting or blogging.

Not until about October last year did i really understand it.  Sure i knew about it, but i didnt get it…

Twitter was for nerds, writting your thoughts on a site that people may or may not read… Well that was even nerdier… But now, well i cant live without it.

I only started my blog because i needed something to get me through.  I was going to keep a journal until my brother in law set this site up for me, and i thought, why not, saves me carting around a book…

I have said this before, but i couldnt have done this, gone through IVF, gotten back on the path time and time again, if it wasnt for this blog and if it wasnt for my twitter ‘followers’.

I honestly dont think that you can understand, unless your in it yourself.  And i am not just talking about IVF and IF, i mean the whole social network thing.  To be honest, most of my ‘real’ friends dont get it, my father certainly doesnt get it, neither does my husband.  Most of the people i talk to just cant understand why you would write something in 140 characters, why you would post your every thought onto a page where the world can read it, why you would look forward to the comments and the end of the day.

But then again, you never know if you’ve never tried…

I now say to people who dont understand or who think it is just ‘nerdy’ that i have made friends with people i may never meet.  These people really care about me, they ask me how i am going, i know they have cried for me, some of them have stayed up late just to hear my news… and you know what? Some of my real friends didnt do that.

I have been asked so many times if i am trying to get a book published, or a movie made, or if i am just copying the movie Julie and Julia.. I laugh and of course sarcastically answer ‘yes, that its exactly why i started this’ (if they were smart they would know that i started my blog before the movie came out). But in all honesty i do say to people that this it is my support network, these are the people who understand me, who can give me advice, who can relate to what i am going through and what i have been through.  How many times do you get to a clinic, a doctor, a hospital, and be given a pamphlet for a support group?  Well, this is my support group, and i tell people that nearly everyday when i am questioned on my motives behind being a tweeter, and a blogger…

I have been asked if i was not infertile, if i hadnt been handed this opportunity would i have done it anyway? To be honest, no i dont think i would have been involved, i think i would have continued on with my life believing that this was nerdy… But this is the way the cookie crumbled, and i find myself saying again, that while last year was hell, i wouldnt change it for the world.

I am grateful for being able to connect with people who i understand, and who understand me and couldnt have said it better than the last day of 2009.

For the times when you stayed awake to see my news – thank you.  For the times when you waited, your hearts beating as fast as mine – thank you.  For the times when you simply gave me a *HUG* a *MWAH* a :p and even a :D – thank you. Thank you for the past 100 days, for your support, for cheering me along when i needed it most, for praying for me when i thought i had lost God, for crossing your fingers and toes for me, thank you. And thank you for the comments that always made me cry…  The worst year of my life is now over, and again i say – i wouldnt change it for the earth.  I sit here and i welcome in 2010 with open arms knowing that i have strangers in my life who will be with me holding my hand chasing my miracle each and every day with me.

To people that think blogging as a waste of time, to twitter quitters that dont give this a shot, to twitters that think it is just about business networking… No. This is about people finding people who understand in one way or another, this is about knowing that someone will help you when you say help, this is about knowing that a comment at the end of the day, no matter how small, will make you smile.  Because in the end, how many of your ‘real’ friends text you and simply say ‘are you ok *HUGS*’ ?

I know i have maybe one or two ‘real’ friends that will text me just because, but i have over 200 ‘followers’ that will comment each and everyday, and make sure that i am ok.  In my mind, even though i dont know them, and even though they will never replace my truest friends, they are my friends, and they are there for me.

Twitter and my blog changed my life, and got me through the hardest 100 days i never imagined i would have to face.  How many people do you know out there can say that?

Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. Elbert Hubbard

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Day 155 – A heart beats on a wordless wednesday

February 24, 2010 0 Comments

Twelve weeks, one day. Day 87 in the quest to chase our little miracle

boom boom boom, beats the little heart…

165 beats per minute, i hope i never forget.

Love comes to those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they’ve been betrayed, to those who still love even though they’ve been hurt before. Anon

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Day 150 – Food for thought on Friday

February 19, 2010 0 Comments

Eleven Weeks, three days. Day 82 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Something that ran through my mind this morning as i waited for the gym to open…

Why when you are hungry before you fall alseep, do you wake up without an appetite…  Yet when you head to bed as full as a goog, you wake up starving?

On another note, as i was waiting at the gym, i found myself worried once more… I shouldnt be, everything will be fine, but there just seems to be that inkling of fear that i cant get rid of.  There is but 4 sleeps until my twelve week scan, and yes i am truly blessed, but i cant help but to be scared, this is everything to my husband and i, we are in deeper than we have ever been before….  And i want nothing more than for this to just be perfect…

And all i hope is that my weekend will pass quickly and that more dreams will become reality  next week.

FEAR is an acronym in the English language for “False Evidence Appearing Real Neale Donald Walsch

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Day 149 – Frustration, argh! I had been doing so well…

February 18, 2010 0 Comments

Eleven Weeks, two days. Day 81 in the quest to chase our little miracle

To be honest i have a weee lil bit of a temper… My sister and i call it the “Bowen trait” and we have always said that any man that can put up with a Bowen is a keeper, and well we have both found our keepers… And after last night i am not sure my keeper really knew what he was in for when he said “I do”!

It is a fact that sometimes my frustrations get the better of me and i will just get so angry and overwhelmed and something i am doing or a situation that i have put myself into that i just have to stomp or yell it out…

And last night i shocked myself, because for the first time in my pregnancy i got all worked up and frustrated, and i honestly couldnt help it!  I tried not to get upset, i tried to be calm, but i couldnt, i just got so annoyed at the situation – and it really started worrying me.

This couldnt have been good for lil george, getting so worked up inside?  I asked myself how do i stop? And last night i did something i dont usually do.  I gave up.  I shut my computer, got a bowl of ice-cream, and gave up… I went to bed without a solution.  I have NEVER done that in my life!  I always go to be with solutions, and i always finish what i am doing, and i never emotional eat… But i did.

I think last night this was a wise decision, but i dont want to be the person who gives up… I want to conquer and succeed!  I want to find a solution to my challenges.

So my question this morning is not how to avoid the frustration, because we all know that is impossible, it is how on earth do i stop myself getting so worked up and find a solution that is not giving in?  How do i control the uncontrollable?  How do i realise i am in the middle of a situation that can only be solved when i am calm?

I need to be the one that succeeds, but now i need to be the one that doesnt get so frustrated and angry first…

Our frustration is greater when we have much and want more than when we have nothing and want some. We are less dissatisfied when we lack many things than when we seem to lack but one thing. Eric Hoffer

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Day 146 – 17 hours to debate this? Parliament – what a sham!

February 15, 2010 0 Comments

Ten weeks, six days. Day 78 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I love where i live, “beautiful one day, perfect the next” – that is Queensland, Australia for you.  I have always loved living here and i think the only move i will ever make will be to the sunshine coast (about an hour from where i live now)…

But earlier this week as i listened to the radio i had to agree with what they were saying… We are so far behind, and i dont know much about politics but as i listened to what our MP’s were saying i was disgusted!

It took our parliament a whole 17 hours to decide to make surrogacy legal in Queensland, that is right you heard it, before wednesday last week surrogacy was illegal in my state.  And my disgust doesnt come solely from the fact that it was illegal, it came from the fact that it took 17 hours for these people to make a decision, and not only that, some of the “facts” or “reasons” behind keeping it illegal, well i say send them back to the middle ages, and stone them to death!

These are the people who are suppose to represent us, these are the people who are meant to stand for current times and current society, they are the people who are meant to accept what is acceptable, they are meant to represent our future, and here they are debating something that i believe should have been made legal as soon as the technology was avaliable…

But nooooooooooooooo…. These people, 40 out of the 88 votes, are so far up there own asses they were coming up with reasons (from what i have heard) such as “gay couples ordering children like pets” or “same sex couples not being able to take their child to a public bathroom” or my favorite so far “This is an assault on the deepest relationship between a mother and child.” (abc.net) or what about “People have no idea the cultural implications of the state decreeing that a man and another man – or just a man on his own – is identical in law to a mother and father from a child’s perspective”

WTF?

“The opposition is adamant that same-sex couples and single parents must be excluded from any reforms to surrogacy arrangements.  Some church and family groups agree, saying the reforms, as they’re currently proposed, will threaten the traditional family model and normalise same-sex parenting.” (brisbanetimes.com)

WTF WTF WTF?!?!?!

What is my state coming to? What about just having a family that loves a child? What about giving same sex couple a CHANCE to fit into society, give them a chance to become the norm… As the radio station said, it is like saying that non Caucasian  people dont have the right to children… And the truth is EVERYONE has the right to be a parent, i dont care who you are, what you have done, or who you may or may not become, you have the RIGHT to become a parent.

And you know what? How come f**cking crack whores and dealers, and murderers still have the right to becoming a parent? Why not make that illegal, i am 100% sure that a little girl would be better of with two daddies than a crack whore of a mother, and an abuser of a father?

Am i wrong, oh important people of this state, am i wrong? shall we just go and do a study and see which child is better off??!!!

Go back to to the middle ages… Cause i will be waiting there with my stones…

On the other side of things, thank you to those 48 votes who actually are with the times, and actually have half a brain…

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy. Earnest Benn

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Day 145 – Love is not a day, love is in a life time…

February 14, 2010 0 Comments

Ten weeks, five days. Day 77 in the quest to chase our little miracle

BARHUMBUG!

That is what i am saying to valentines day.

Maybe it is because the love of my life is not a romantic, maybe it is because i have never ‘truely’ recieved a valentine, or maybe it is because i believe that love isnt about a commercialised day.

Love is about every minute of every day, of every year you are together.

I have learned over the past ten years that love is not about choclates or flowers, or about the ‘stuff’ you get for christmas an birthdays… Love is about the hugs at the end of a bad day, love is about telling someone that it will be okay, even when you know it wont, and love is about respecting the person you are with, and loveing them even though sometimes you really just want to hate them.

I have learned over the past year that the one you love can hurt you in ways you never thought possible to forgive, and i have leaned that forgiveness for the unforgivable is what love and marriage is truly about.  Over the past year i have learned more about myself and my love for my husband, and vice versa, then i ever thought possible.  And i know that no matter the challenges this world throws at us, we will get through it, no matter what we go through, no matter how hard our journey becomes, we will always have each other, each and every minute of every trying day.

Love is not a day, love is in a lifetime.  Love is not in a gift or a card, love is in the words you speak, and in the things you do.  True love is not a day, it is a lifetime.

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Day 144 – Top Ten steps to falling pregnant…

February 13, 2010 0 Comments

Ten weeks, four days. Day 76 in the quest to chase our little miracle

WEATHER FORECAST: – Today’s post outlook is mainly sunny with a touch of sarcasm.  A word to the wise: before leaving your home, please remember to pull out your sarcastic hat, or alternatively a protective sarcasm umbrella would be advised…

I remember back in the day i was speaking to a woman about my infertility, she was pregnant for the second time, and each time had been very easy for them.  At the end of the conversation i just let out a sigh and said “why does it have to be so hard” and she very hastily responded with “no its not, just stop the pill” she didnt even realize what she had said to me, and how hurtful it was, and i doubt she ever will, but in her defense, well it was easy… Step one – stop taking the pill, period, end of steps…

So in honor of  all things that are never as they seem, i give you:

THE TOP TEN STEPS TO FALLING PREGNANT (what there are TEN whole steps?)

1. Stopped taking the pill

What your not pregnant?

2. Counted your cycle days

What your not pregnant?

3. Kept counting your cycle days, then timed baby dancing

What your still not pregnant?

4. Kept counting your cycle days, timed baby dancing, AND began using ovulation prediction kits

What how could you not be pregnant yet?

5. Kept counting your cycle days, timing baby dancing, using ovulation prediction kits, PLUS now you are temping as well?

What is wrong with you, you must be doing SOMETHING wrong!

6. Kept counting your cycle days, timing baby dancing, using ovulation prediction kits, you are temping, and you have seen your GP

Your still not pregnant? Have you concidered taking a holiday?

7. Stop counting, meet with fertility specalist, start taking the pill again

What kind of specialist is this telling you to go back on the pill? I know for a FACT that is not how you fall pregnant!

8. Start counting cycle days, start sniffing, start injecting, get eggs removed, get eggs and sperm put together, get embryo put back in you, wait…

Really, what is this specialist doing? how could you not be pregnant? They did put the thing back in you didnt they? Why arnt your pregnant then? It cant be that hard… really!

9. Repeat step 8

Now this is just silly, i think you should see another doctor, have you tried just relaxing? Maybe you should take another holiday?

10. Repeat step 8, give up all hope. get a puppy instead….

See i told you so! All you had to do was relax…

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget. Thomas S. Szasz

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Day 142 – Happiness at a cost

February 11, 2010 0 Comments

Ten weeks, two days. Day 74 in the quest to chase our little miracle

When i was young i believed that happiness is what you make of it, i learned that when you accept thing as they are, when you decide that what you have is enough, that is when you can be happy….

Maybe that can be true, maybe if we learn to accept, then happiness is just around the corner.  But if i told you to believe this than i would be a hypocrite. If i have leaned anything in the past year, it is that happiness must be perused, and that no matter the challenge, if happiness is what you want, then you must go and get it no matter the cost.

There were so many times when i was told to stop, when i was told that i had changed, that i wasnt who i used to be, that i needed a break, that i needed to find happiness, that this pain wasnt worth it.  I was told out of love that i shouldnt put myself through the heart ache again and again and again, i was told this because all they saw was pain.

But i couldnt stop, i selfishly continued, i persevered, put myself through one of the hardest things anyone should have to put themselves through,  and i did it because i knew in my heart i wasnt going to find happiness without knowing that i did all that i could.

And i did do all that i could, and i would do it again and again, if it meant knowing that i would have the happiness that i have found in myself lately.

I want you to know that happiness can be found, that it can be perused. and i want you to know that giving up, believing that happiness is accepting, is not really happiness.

For those of you who are struggling, for those of you who are hurting, i want you to know that it is worth every second of pain.  I look back on my earlier days and even now, even though it was only 4 weeks ago, i have forgotten the pain…

I have forgotten those endless nights of crying, and i have forgotten the heart ache, and i have forgotten about all the times i was told to give up, and all the times i wanted to give up – not just on having a baby, but on my life as well.  It seems so far in the past right now, all i have to remember it by is my own words.

I dont know who you are, but hold on.  No matter how dark the tunnel, there is a light is still shining, and so long as that light is still there, there is hope.

By chance if you are watching someone else suffering, hurting like they have never hurt before, dont tell them to give up, dont add confusion to there turmoil.  The people you love, they know where their happiness is, and they are trying to get there… The only thing you can do is hold their hand and tell them you will walk with them through their hardship, and be with them every step of the way.  For they are the only ones who will know when enough is enough.

I may have given up a lot, i may have changed who i am, i may never be who i was…. But that is the cost of my happiness, and today if i give one thing, it is to let the world know that happiness must be pursued, no matter the cost.

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness.  Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost. H. Jackson Browne

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Day 140 – My childhood memories for sale…

February 9, 2010 0 Comments

Ten weeks. Day 72 in the quest to chase our little miracle

You know that feeling, when you go home to your parents house for the holidays, walk through your old room, look through old memories, open the window and remember all the mornings of your childhood that you opened that window and felt nothing but hope and happiness?

I do, and tonight i am in sadness because those times of walking through old memories are now for sale.  The home i grew up in, the place i called mine for so many years of my youth, is now for sale.

It is not a surprise, i knew this was coming, but it doesnt change how hard it is to say good bye.

Home is where the heart is, and my heart is no longer in that space, but in a new space, and with new people, but i guess my old home is still part of me, and always will be.

It was in that home that santa came down the chimeny, where the easter bunny popped by, it was in that home that i meet one of my closest friends, it was in that home that i rolled down the grassy hill and played dress ups, danced and laughed untill i cried… It was in that home that i grew closer to my sister, and that was the home where i said my last goodbyes to my mother…

It was the home where i discovered who i was, and where i learnt how to become who i am today.

That home has a special place in my heart, and i know nothing can ever take the memories away from me, but i still sit here tonight remenissing about that home and all that it gave to me…

My parents build that house, and turned it into a home for me, and my only wish right now is that one day i hope that my child will see the home that my husband and i will build in the same way.

A home is where the heart is.

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Day 138 – Baby dancin no more…

February 7, 2010 0 Comments

Nine weeks, five days. Day 70 in the quest to chase our little miracle

WARNING, FOR SOME OF YOU THIS POST MAY CONTAIN TMI, SO IF YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW, DONT READ ON, AND REMEMBER: I WARNED YOU!

So you decided to start TTCing, sounds exciting, you and your partner get excited about getting to do the baby dance whenever, where ever, and however… right?

Right… Until you realise it is not working… Then it becomes a chore, something that has to be done this way or that way, something that is posed to one another as a question of before dinner or after dinner… Then it gets worse.. IVF, where you are told EXACTLY when to do it, and exactly when not to do it….

Then it gets a little bit worse, after the egg pick up, after the sperm collection… there is more medication… Crinone, gel that makes a ‘cottage cheese’ like discharge… I have told these stories before i know i have, it is gross, and no man would ever go back if he went there…

So you wait…. It is only two weeks after all, you think that once the wait is over it will be ok, baby dancing will become free and fun once again… No matter the outcome…

Then it comes the news you have been waiting a lifetime to hear, news that you wouldnt change for the world, news that makes all your dreams become reality, news that changes your life…

But where does that leave the baby dancing?

My story is unique, our child, our miracle, hasnt come with the same confidence as others, low hormone levels, and scans twice a week, left our doctor telling my husband to “keep it in his pants” just that little bit longer…

So i say it again, where does that leave the baby dancing?

To be honest, and i am not sure how normal or abnormal this is, i am too scared, i know it would be fine, and i have Dr Goggled it… but honestly – still scared… and no matter how much the desire to do a little baby dancing is, i am still too scared…

And on a lighter side, the thing that also bothers me about this whole topic, is eww gross, there is a baby in there! I dont care how little it is, its a human, can you imagine being showered in sperm?  Not that the little tucker would remember it, but *sigh* well the whole thing just freaks me out just that little bit… ok i lied, it freaks me out alot!

So am i normal, or am i just a little paranoid and weird to be scared and freaked out?

If you are never scared, embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take chances Julia Soul

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