I never understood tweeting or blogging.

Not until about October last year did i really understand it.  Sure i knew about it, but i didnt get it...

Twitter was for nerds, writting your thoughts on a site that people may or may not read... Well that was even nerdier... But now, well i cant live without it.

I only started my blog because i needed something to get me through.  I was going to keep a journal until my brother in law set this site up for me, and i thought, why not, saves me carting around a book...

I have said this before, but i couldnt have done this, gone through IVF, gotten back on the path time and time again, if it wasnt for this blog and if it wasnt for my twitter 'followers'.

I honestly dont think that you can understand, unless your in it yourself.  And i am not just talking about IVF and IF, i mean the whole social network thing.  To be honest, most of my 'real' friends dont get it, my father certainly doesnt get it, neither does my husband.  Most of the people i talk to just cant understand why you would write something in 140 characters, why you would post your every thought onto a page where the world can read it, why you would look forward to the comments and the end of the day.

But then again, you never know if you've never tried...

I now say to people who dont understand or who think it is just 'nerdy' that i have made friends with people i may never meet.  These people really care about me, they ask me how i am going, i know they have cried for me, some of them have stayed up late just to hear my news... and you know what? Some of my real friends didnt do that.

I have been asked so many times if i am trying to get a book published, or a movie made, or if i am just copying the movie Julie and Julia.. I laugh and of course sarcastically answer 'yes, that its exactly why i started this' (if they were smart they would know that i started my blog before the movie came out). But in all honesty i do say to people that this it is my support network, these are the people who understand me, who can give me advice, who can relate to what i am going through and what i have been through.  How many times do you get to a clinic, a doctor, a hospital, and be given a pamphlet for a support group?  Well, this is my support group, and i tell people that nearly everyday when i am questioned on my motives behind being a tweeter, and a blogger...

I have been asked if i was not infertile, if i hadnt been handed this opportunity would i have done it anyway? To be honest, no i dont think i would have been involved, i think i would have continued on with my life believing that this was nerdy... But this is the way the cookie crumbled, and i find myself saying again, that while last year was hell, i wouldnt change it for the world.

I am grateful for being able to connect with people who i understand, and who understand me and couldnt have said it better than the last day of 2009.

For the times when you stayed awake to see my news - thank you.  For the times when you waited, your hearts beating as fast as mine - thank you.  For the times when you simply gave me a *HUG* a *MWAH* a :p and even a - thank you. Thank you for the past 100 days, for your support, for cheering me along when i needed it most, for praying for me when i thought i had lost God, for crossing your fingers and toes for me, thank you. And thank you for the comments that always made me cry...  The worst year of my life is now over, and again i say - i wouldnt change it for the earth.  I sit here and i welcome in 2010 with open arms knowing that i have strangers in my life who will be with me holding my hand chasing my miracle each and every day with me.

To people that think blogging as a waste of time, to twitter quitters that dont give this a shot, to twitters that think it is just about business networking... No. This is about people finding people who understand in one way or another, this is about knowing that someone will help you when you say help, this is about knowing that a comment at the end of the day, no matter how small, will make you smile.  Because in the end, how many of your 'real' friends text you and simply say 'are you ok *HUGS*' ?

I know i have maybe one or two 'real' friends that will text me just because, but i have over 200 'followers' that will comment each and everyday, and make sure that i am ok.  In my mind, even though i dont know them, and even though they will never replace my truest friends, they are my friends, and they are there for me.

Twitter and my blog changed my life, and got me through the hardest 100 days i never imagined i would have to face.  How many people do you know out there can say that?

Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. Elbert Hubbard

IVF - It has to be one of the hardest things anyone should ever have to face.  The torment, the anguish, the pain, the money, and the decisions.

Do we spend the money, are there alternatives, will this work, is it worth it all?  So many questions, and hard life changing questions.  You spend sleepless nights wondering if you have done the right thing, if you are doing the right thing, or if you will regret your choices for an eternity.

And the decisions dont stop, they never stop!

Once you take the plunge and decide to go ahead, there are documents, legalities, sign here, initial there, would you like option a or option b?  And of course no one can make the decisions but you, you are the ones with all the pressure, you are the ones who have to make the final choice, and you are the ones that have to live with them.

Now that all is said and done, and now that for me the IVF has worked, i thought the decision making would be over, i thought that it would just be the one last responsibility of chooseing a name that would keep me up at night.

But i forgot about our frozens...

I forgot about our three potential babies.  I forgot about our frozen embies, hidden away in the deep freeze of the clinic, waiting, just waiting to be defrosted...

I know its not quite the time to be pondering about such life changing things, but the topic has come up twice in as many days, and well.... It has really got me thinking.

Do we try again? Do we want a sibbling for George?

Do we donate?

Or do we dispose?

Three things that haunt me about such a decision...

If we try again, will i get caught up?  If we decide to go ahead with putting the three back in and it doesnt work, will my desire take over, and will i then want to put myself through the whole tormenting IVF process again?  Will i forget what i have and loose myself again?

If we donate, will i spend a lifetime wondering?  I would love to give someone else out there an opportunity, but will i spend the rest of my life wondering if there is a child of mine out there?  Will i wonder about the potential baby i possibly gave away?

Or do we dispose?  Do i get rid of the little critters that i went through hell and back to get?  And if donating my embryo's is comparable to adoption in my mind, in the same thought is disposal comparable to abortion?

I know my mind is more than likely just playing games with me, and there will be a time later down the track where i will think it through more clearly, but it is something that people talk about, and ask me about...

At least for now they are safe and sound in the deep freeze...

You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions. Naguib Mahfouz

WARNING, FOR SOME OF YOU THIS POST MAY CONTAIN TMI, SO IF YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW, DONT READ ON, AND REMEMBER: I WARNED YOU!

So you decided to start TTCing, sounds exciting, you and your partner get excited about getting to do the baby dance whenever, where ever, and however... right?

Right... Until you realise it is not working... Then it becomes a chore, something that has to be done this way or that way, something that is posed to one another as a question of before dinner or after dinner... Then it gets worse.. IVF, where you are told EXACTLY when to do it, and exactly when not to do it....

Then it gets a little bit worse, after the egg pick up, after the sperm collection... there is more medication... Crinone, gel that makes a 'cottage cheese' like discharge... I have told these stories before i know i have, it is gross, and no man would ever go back if he went there...

So you wait.... It is only two weeks after all, you think that once the wait is over it will be ok, baby dancing will become free and fun once again... No matter the outcome...

Then it comes the news you have been waiting a lifetime to hear, news that you wouldnt change for the world, news that makes all your dreams become reality, news that changes your life...

But where does that leave the baby dancing?

My story is unique, our child, our miracle, hasnt come with the same confidence as others, low hormone levels, and scans twice a week, left our doctor telling my husband to "keep it in his pants" just that little bit longer...

So i say it again, where does that leave the baby dancing?

To be honest, and i am not sure how normal or abnormal this is, i am too scared, i know it would be fine, and i have Dr Goggled it... but honestly - still scared... and no matter how much the desire to do a little baby dancing is, i am still too scared...

And on a lighter side, the thing that also bothers me about this whole topic, is eww gross, there is a baby in there! I dont care how little it is, its a human, can you imagine being showered in sperm?  Not that the little tucker would remember it, but *sigh* well the whole thing just freaks me out just that little bit... ok i lied, it freaks me out alot!

So am i normal, or am i just a little paranoid and weird to be scared and freaked out?

If you are never scared, embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take chances Julia Soul

I have now known for two full weeks that i am pregnant, and only now is the real excitement setting in... And the nerves...

I have waited so long for this moment, for this time where we get to think about all the things that we never got to think about before, but how soon is too soon to start planning? To start researching...  I dont mean all the boring stuff like finances, i am talking about the FUN stuff, you know, the baby nursary, the cots, the prams, the  redecorating, painting... The baby shower...  THE NAMES? OMG we will be responsible for naming a HUMAN! EKK... (thats where the nerves set in, oh that and labor, but thats another blog another time)

How long do i wait before i start planning that stuff? Before we start discussing names?  I cant wait to go shopping for baby stuff to start decorating the room, i know that is already done in my head, i know exactly what i want, but you know, the reaserching on line, the shopping, oh the buying of baby stuff...

Is it too soon, should i wait longer before i get excited, before i start setting things in concrete, or should i dare to show my excitement, dare to discuss the previously undiscussable topics?

Oh the possiblilties are endless, if i start now... i may just change my mind one thousand and one times before i actually get to decorate and shop...

And the sad thing is, i am just excited that i get to write that i am excited!

Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning. Gloria Steinem

What if?

I wish i could get all negatives out of my head, but there seems to be one little thought that is stuck right on in there...

What if?

I am working so hard against my fears and doubts, and i am praying each and everyday for george, but i get a cramp, or back pain, or just a feeling, and, well, my fears return.

I havent done this before, i dont know how i am meant to feel, and i dont know the difference between a good feeling and a bad feeling, i dont know how tired i am meant to be, how hungry i am meant to feel...  It is leaving me quite confused!

But am i being paranoid?

I want to be happy... No, no I AM HAPPY, i am the happiest and most excited i have ever been, and i think the paranoia will ease in four weeks, when i get through what has seemingly been labeled the "danger period"

I think the worst thing for me is people saying "just wait until the 12 weeks" "just see what happens"

I dont understand that...  I know i am paranoid, but i have right to be - it is my body doing weird things, other people they should just be happy, none of these doubts, or at least not out loud...

I dont know, maybe i am just being silly, maybe  i am just tired, maybe this is normal....

All i know is i cant wait to hold my little george in my arms, and i know my husband feels the same, and we just want this to be the most perfect trouble free pregnancy....

A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on. William S. Burroughs

Argh! I swore ages ago that when i fell pregnant, i wouldnt over eat and i would make sure that i kept up my healthy lifestyle... But i tell you it is hard!

For the last three years i have chosen to have a very healthy diet, where my calories were limited to about 1200 a day... Now i am not trying to stick to that, nope not at all, but i thought that i could continue the way i used to eat at least for the first little while... Nope - WRONG!

I am HUNGRY!  And i know it is my body just using the energy it needs... But still, it is like i cant get full... And not feeling well as well just makes it harder and harder to know what to eat, and when to eat it!

I am eating fruit - 2 pieces a day, plus breakfast, plus a large salad for lunch, then a huge dinner, but still - HUNGRY! I ate tea a half hour ago, well ok, maybe an hour ago, and i am starving again....

I really wish there was like a strict diet plan for pregnancy, where you were told what to eat and when to eat it, that is what i am used to see, my personal trainer used to give me a chart of what to eat and at what time to eat it... Call me silly or insane, but that is what i am used to - and it worked for me, i was never hungry, and i always knew what to eat and when to eat it, and i always knew i was treating my body correctly... Now, well as you can see i am just confused... silly really...

It makes me wonder if it is meant to be like this?  Or if my brain is playing tricks on me?

Sanity in a world of insanity is insane

To my dearest little miracle,

I chased you, i sought you, and now i see you... One week ago i saw a void, i saw a miracle begin...  Today i witnessed yet another miracle, today i saw your little heart beat, i saw a life inside of me that is no bigger than a few millimeters... My little miracle, today i got to celebrate your life, today i finally got the confirmation that you were alive, that you were really there, that you my little miracle will one day soon be in my arms...

Happiness overcame me, tears flowed down my cheeks as i saw this tiny little life inside of me move... I have never experienced anything as amazing as i did today, i have never felt so overwhelmed with the knowledge that there is a God and he is listening...

My miracle there is nothing more that can express to you my deepest emotions...

Love from a mother that will be

You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen. Paulo Coelho

Today i pray, because while i have complete faith that what is meant to be will be, i am scared... I have no idea how i will face the next few days, i have to be positive, but i am still scared to let myself hope for fear of devastation.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for giving George the chance she has had, thank you for giving her the strength to grow each day, and each day showing me a new miracle.

I pray now that you continue to give George the strength to keep growing, i pray that you give our embryo a heart, the most beautiful heart that will grow to love you and your word.  I pray that Georges heart, the heart you give life to this week, grows stronger and stronger by the day and by the minute...

I pray that this miracle of ours proves that you are real, proves living each day by faith and trusting in you brings miracles, proves that we all can trust in the power of prayer...

Lord, as i do each day, i pray for all the ladies out there who have suffered or are suffering in a story similar to mine, i pray that you give them courage they need to continue, and most importantly peace within, and the ability to find happiness.

I also pray for the women out there who dont understand what it is like to appreciate life, nor see the miracle in each life that you give, i pray that somehow they find compassion and understanding as well as the ability to appreciate what you have blessed them with...

Lord, thank you for all you have blessed me with, and i ask once more that you be with George and give her all the strength that she needs...

In Jesus Name i Pray

Amen...

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 NKJV

Have you ever looked at yourself and hated what you looked like, hated how you feel, hated what you had become, just hated it?  Have you ever felt so lost and confused, so up and down, so many emotions that it makes you so confused that you end up hating yourself?

Have you ever just wanted to curl up and cry, cry away your pain, cry till you couldnt cry anymore, cry and scream like no one was watching, cry until it was all ok, and you got what you wanted?

Have you ever woken up and not known who you are anymore, not known how you got to where you were and not know what you will do now? Woken up and felt like you should just go back to sleep, back to a blank screen, back to where everything is possible, and hope is never taken from you, where dreams are created, and where peace is guaranteed?

Have you ever wondered why this journey is such a roller coaster ride, why it couldnt have been easier, and why you were the once chosen to suffer from this kind of pain?  Have you ever just looked out into the sky and wondered when it is exactly that you will get your hope back, when this part of the journey will be over, when this will stop, when you will just be able to forget your woes and smile just because the sky is blue?

Have you ever wondered why yesterday you were ok, and today you are not?  Why yesterday you had the peace of mind that no matter the outcome you would be ok, but today you are scared, lost, and so confused you cant even get out of bed?

Have you ever just wanted to turn the switch off?

Have you ever just wanted nothing more than answers, hope in tomorrow, want to like who you are, wanted this pain to stop, and wanted your life to stop being in limbo land.

Have you ever just wanted one thing, one thing that is the thing you never expected that you would have to beg and plead for?

I just want peace and happiness, to have faith in tomorrow, and to know exactly where i stand in this world, so i can begin to find out who i am once more.

Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away. Robert Fulghum

I have lost hope, and i have lost my spirit, all i constantly think, is i cant take this anymore, i dont understand the pain, and i dont understand why so many people have to go through this and worse, and i hate the fact that going through this has made me bitter, that it has changed me, that i have lost my carefree spirit, i hate all those things and much much more...

I have to have faith i keep telling myself, i have to believe in miracles, i have to believe i will be ok...  That for some stupid reason there is purpose to my pain...

But when will i be ok? When does it stop hurting?  When and how does my mind turn from i hate this, to i believe, from i cant focus on anything else, to i have complete faith?

When will i stop crying myself to sleep?

I want to have faith, but it hurts

I want to be ok, but im not

I want to believe, but all i see is suffering

I need a miracle

I need to see something that will once more make me believe that there is something wonderful out there, a reason, a purpose, something for me to have hope for, something for me to live for.

I need a miracle

I know deep down i want nothing more than to have complete and utter faith...  Faith that i will get over this, faith that my life will go on for the next six months without me questioning my decisions, faith that my relationship will be ok, faith that i will be ok, faith that i will find hope again, faith that my lost spirit will come back to me, faith that i will one day look at myself and like who i see, faith that there are options, and more than anything i want faith that i will one day feel my own child growing inside of me...

But its so hard, it is just so hard...

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and Hope. Jeremiah 29:11

I just want this over.  I want my final cry and i want to get on with my life.  I dont care anymore.  No matter how much i pray, no matter how much i scream, no matter how much i wish, and no matter how much i cry out to the Lord for a miracle, no matter how much i chase this... It only hurts more.

I want to say that i am angry, i want to hate this world and what it puts us through, i want to blame someone, i want to punch something, and most of all i want to hate God - but i cant... I just cant because i am over it, i am honestly just over it, i dont want to do this anymore - I WANT OUT!

Dont get me wrong... I want a child more than anything else on this earth, but more than that, i want to be whole.  I want my life back, i want to wake up in the morning and have hope, i want to wake up to a schedule, i want to wake up and be proud of myself and what i have achieved, i want nothing more on this earth than to be happy, and this not knowing, this limbo land, this maybe maybe not... It makes me say over and over and over again I WANT OUT!

I want to run away my pain, i want to wake up and think, ok this is the plan, this is who i am and what i am going to achieve this year.. but i cant because i am stuck, i am stuck in limbo land waiting the worst wait of my life.

To my dearest little miracle,

Are you there? Your mother and father need to know what is happening, as much as we love you, we cant do this anymore.  We are hurting from places even deeper than the places we never thought we could hurt, and we need to grieve, but we cant because there are no definite answers. I need to know, we need to know where you are, if you are there?

My little one, we still love you, and still hope for this miracle, i pray for this miracle to be a true miracle, where the unexpected and unexplained happens...

My Dearest little miracle if you are still there be strong and show yourself... Show yourself in all your beauty...

Love from a mother that may never be.

Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow. Dorothy Thompson

You know that feeling when your not sure whether to cry, laugh, or simply shake your head at yourself... That is me.  I have literally spent the whole day trying to think of something funny to post tonight, something that could make light of the ridiculousness of my behavior over the past 36 hours... But i couldnt think of anything that would or could possibly explain it...

I have over the last couple of days been exploring myself for signs of pregnancy, i guess to confirm that i havent hurt anything, and maybe to reassure myself that everything is going to be ok on monday.  I have picked up a calendar, then quickly put it down about three times already, thinking about dates, then not letting myself explore that just yet, telling myself that there will be time for that in the weeks to come.  I have checked out my boobs more in the past three days then i have ever in my life time. I even showed DH and asked if he thought they looked bigger!... I have wondered about nausea and tiredness and little cramps.  I have wondered about the coffee i was drinking and the fetta cheese that i couldnt avoid in last nights salad... I have wandered every time i peed, whether i was peeing more than normal... From any other perspective i might just be considered INSANE! And then i think to myself - is this normal? Is this what other IVF or TTC people think when they find out they are pregnant? or maybe pregnant?

But then again, what else do i do?  What else would anyone else in this situation do?

I am scared to hope for fear of breaking down if the outcome is not as hoped, i am scared to think negatively for fear of sending negative vibes.  I am worried about the outcome, yet i know that whatever happens happens, and i will be ok in the end - it just goes round and round and back again, and i still wonder if this is normal? And even how long this will continue?

I know that in 48 hours there will be an answer, and this craziness might possibly subside - I just hope it is the answer i spent the past 102 days dreaming about...

Sometimes the answer to prayer is not that it changes life, but that it changes you. James Dillet Freeman

How can i say it is over?

How can i say that i am am giving up?

How can i say that this is it?

I dont know.  But i know in my heart that i cant do this anymore.  Yesterday three words came out of my husbands mouth that i never expected him to say. "i am over it" and when he said those words all i could think was, so am i, so am i.

I want a child more than words will ever say, i want to be a mother, and i want to experience what i may never experience, but after four failed IUI's, after another four failed IVF rounds, my heart is broken, and i just cant take this pain anymore.  I need time for myself because i have forgotten who i am, i have forgotten what i like, what it feels like to be carefree, and i have forgotten why i am alive, and what i am living for.

I have forgotten how to live without being so obsessed with TTC, IUI's or IVF, i have forgotten what it is like not to worry or have false hope, and i have forgotten how to live without a plan.

I have forgotten how to have sex without worrying about if it is the right time, or if the sperm is good quality, i have forgotten what it is like to be spontaneous and not feel like i have to stick my legs up in the air, wait for 15 minutes, dont do this, do that, turn this was, or that way...

I have forgotten how much i love to exercise, to run, to just escape in a pool of sweat, making myself work so hard it hurts, spending an hour listening to MY favorite songs, i have forgotten how much i love having just one hour for myself in my own little world.

I have forgotten what it is to live a life without a plan, without watching every penny, without worrying what is happening next month or next week, i have forgotten how to just live, to say yes to a night out with the girls, or to say yes to a holiday in 4 months.

I have forgotten what it is like to say yes to a glass of wine with dinner, to say yes to the soft cheese, and to say yes to playing a game a football with the family.

I have forgotten what it is like to have spintaious, concern and thought free fun...

I HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO LIVE.

And in forgetting how to live, i have forgotten who i really am.

I keep wondering what i do now, i keep thinking i cannot give up, that i am weak for not going on.  But i cant right now, i need to find me, i need to live a life.

For if i dont stop, if i dont find myself once more, i will lose everything i have, and every part of who i was, and who i am, and if i am not who i am  - how can i possibly be a mother?

Life is what you make of it. Always has been, always will be. Grandma Moses

Once upon a time there was a woman, or maybe she was just a girl with a problem that she wished she could fix on her own.

Long ago, before her battle began, she had a feeling, a feeling that she kept a secret, a feeling, an emotion, a sign, it was something inside, something deep down, something that said not to do what she wanted to do...

She wanted to believe and she wanted to have faith, to accept and to follow that feeling she had inside, but she didnt want to leave this be, she didnt want to follow her instinct just yet.

Part of the girl now lives in regret, she wishes she had followed her gut, her feeling, her faith... But deep down she knows that this was what it was meant to be, and deep down at the centre of her being, she is happy that she did what she did.  Glad that she is where she is right now, glad that she meet the people she meet along the way.

The problem is now she sits and wonders what would have happened if she had followed that instinct, would she have what she wanted all along? Or would she still be where she is now?  She sits there and wishes she could have lived both realities, and chosen the one she liked better - but she knows that is not the way it works, she knows that she has made her choice and she knows that now she must live with it.

Once upon a time there was a woman, or was she just a girl? A scared girl with a problem she wished she could fix on her own.  She wanted to believe and she wanted to have faith, and she wanted to follow the feeling she had inside, but she didnt, and now 97 days later she realised that this problem wasnt a problem that was meant to be fixed, the feeling wansnt a feeling that was meant to be followed.  It was simply a journey, a lesson, an opening that led her to where she is now...

The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination. Don Williams, Jr.

Sometimes the world we live in is so far from reality we are unable to accept life as it really is...

This is today.

I want to accept my life, i want to be able to get back to where i was mentally a year ago, excited about my future, excited to wake up every morning and love every second my eyes where open.  This is why i am sure now that this is the last cycle for us.

I cant concentrate and it is really effecting my work, which scares me.  I love where i work, and i love the people i work for, but lately it is not enough for me, and it is showing.  My mind wanders every second, and my mistakes are getting worse and worse and worse, and i am letting down the people i respect most.

I often wondered how i would know when enough was enough.  Today i realised this is it, this is enough, if we keep going i am not going to have anything left, but a broken heart that wont be able to be fixed.

To be honest i am sick of myself being so sad, i am sick of myself being a misery guts, and i am sick of myself making mistake after mistake after mistake, i am better than that, i know i am. And i know that the end to this journey brings me great sadness but i also know that "as one door closes, another opens" and maybe this is my time to find my passion in life, maybe this is my time to do something new, i hope so.

I hope i can find myself again, find out who i really am.  2010 is going to be my year of self discovery, of happiness, and pure contentment.  There is but 30 days left of what has surely been the worst year of my life, and i swear on what little happiness i have left inside of me that 2010 is going to be better - and that this time next year i will look back and shake my head at myself, and think... I got through that, maybe not with all my dignity, but i got through it and in doing so, found out who i really am.

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau