Day 105 – Questions with no answers in an unfair world…

January 5, 2010 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Ten

pic_questionsI just want this over.  I want my final cry and i want to get on with my life.  I dont care anymore.  No matter how much i pray, no matter how much i scream, no matter how much i wish, and no matter how much i cry out to the Lord for a miracle, no matter how much i chase this… It only hurts more.

I want to say that i am angry, i want to hate this world and what it puts us through, i want to blame someone, i want to punch something, and most of all i want to hate God – but i cant… I just cant because i am over it, i am honestly just over it, i dont want to do this anymore – I WANT OUT!

Dont get me wrong… I want a child more than anything else on this earth, but more than that, i want to be whole.  I want my life back, i want to wake up in the morning and have hope, i want to wake up to a schedule, i want to wake up and be proud of myself and what i have achieved, i want nothing more on this earth than to be happy, and this not knowing, this limbo land, this maybe maybe not… It makes me say over and over and over again I WANT OUT!

I want to run away my pain, i want to wake up and think, ok this is the plan, this is who i am and what i am going to achieve this year.. but i cant because i am stuck, i am stuck in limbo land waiting the worst wait of my life.

To my dearest little miracle,

Are you there? Your mother and father need to know what is happening, as much as we love you, we cant do this anymore.  We are hurting from places even deeper than the places we never thought we could hurt, and we need to grieve, but we cant because there are no definite answers. I need to know, we need to know where you are, if you are there?

My little one, we still love you, and still hope for this miracle, i pray for this miracle to be a true miracle, where the unexpected and unexplained happens…

My Dearest little miracle if you are still there be strong and show yourself… Show yourself in all your beauty…

Love from a mother that may never be.

Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow. Dorothy Thompson

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Day 102 – Is this Normal?

January 2, 2010 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Seven

You know that feeling when your not sure whether to cry, laugh, or simply shake your head at yourself… That is me.  I have literally spent the whole day trying to think of something funny to post tonight, something that could make light of the ridiculousness of my behavior over the past 36 hours… But i couldnt think of anything that would or could possibly explain it…

I have over the last couple of days been exploring myself for signs of pregnancy, i guess to confirm that i havent hurt anything, and maybe to reassure myself that everything is going to be ok on monday.  I have picked up a calendar, then quickly put it down about three times already, thinking about dates, then not letting myself explore that just yet, telling myself that there will be time for that in the weeks to come.  I have checked out my boobs more in the past three days then i have ever in my life time. I even showed DH and asked if he thought they looked bigger!… I have wondered about nausea and tiredness and little cramps.  I have wondered about the coffee i was drinking and the fetta cheese that i couldnt avoid in last nights salad… I have wandered every time i peed, whether i was peeing more than normal… From any other perspective i might just be considered INSANE! And then i think to myself – is this normal? Is this what other IVF or TTC people think when they find out they are pregnant? or maybe pregnant?

But then again, what else do i do?  What else would anyone else in this situation do?answer

I am scared to hope for fear of breaking down if the outcome is not as hoped, i am scared to think negatively for fear of sending negative vibes.  I am worried about the outcome, yet i know that whatever happens happens, and i will be ok in the end – it just goes round and round and back again, and i still wonder if this is normal? And even how long this will continue?

I know that in 48 hours there will be an answer, and this craziness might possibly subside – I just hope it is the answer i spent the past 102 days dreaming about…

Sometimes the answer to prayer is not that it changes life, but that it changes you. James Dillet Freeman

Filed Under: After IVF, Limbo Land, The Final Cycle Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Day Ninety Eight of 100 – I have forgotten…

December 29, 2009 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Three

How can i say it is over?

How can i say that i am am giving up?

How can i say that this is it?

I dont know.  But i know in my heart that i cant do this anymore.  Yesterday three words came out of my husbands mouth that i never expected him to say. “i am over it” and when he said those words all i could think was, so am i, so am i.

I want a child more than words will ever say, i want to be a mother, and i want to experience what i may never experience, but after four failed IUI’s, after another four failed IVF rounds, my heart is broken, and i just cant take this pain anymore.  I need time for myself because i have forgotten who i am, i have forgotten what i like, what it feels like to be carefree, and i have forgotten why i am alive, and what i am living for.

I have forgotten how to live without being so obsessed with TTC, IUI’s or IVF, i have forgotten what it is like not to worry or have false hope, and i have forgotten how to live without a plan.

I have forgotten how to have sex without worrying about if it is the right time, or if the sperm is good quality, i have forgotten what it is like to be spontaneous and not feel like i have to stick my legs up in the air, wait for 15 minutes, dont do this, do that, turn this was, or that way…

I have forgotten how much i love to exercise, to run, to just escape in a pool of sweat, making myself work so hard it hurts, spending an hour listening to MY favorite songs, i have forgotten how much i love having just one hour for myself in my own little world.

I have forgotten what it is to live a life without a plan, without watching every penny, without worrying what is happening next month or next week, i have forgotten how to just live, to say yes to a night out with the girls, or to say yes to a holiday in 4 months.

I have forgotten what it is like to say yes to a glass of wine with dinner, to say yes to the soft cheese, and to say yes to playing a game a football with the family.

I have forgotten what it is like to have spintaious, concern and thought free fun…

I HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO LIVE.

And in forgetting how to live, i have forgotten who i really am.

I keep wondering what i do now, i keep thinking i cannot give up, that i am weak for not going on.  But i cant right now, i need to find me, i need to live a life.

For if i dont stop, if i dont find myself once more, i will lose everything i have, and every part of who i was, and who i am, and if i am not who i am  – how can i possibly be a mother?

Life is what you make of it. Always has been, always will be. Grandma Moses

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Day Ninety Seven of 100 – I am going to tell you a story…

December 28, 2009 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Two – It is over, i have lost my last IVF battle.  A blood test will still be taken on day 98, but it is over, it is finally over, and now i tell you a story, something kept inside for what feels like an eternity now.

Once upon a time there was a woman, or maybe she was just a girl with a problem that she wished she could fix on her own.

Long ago, before her battle began, she had a feeling, a feeling that she kept a secret, a feeling, an emotion, a sign, it was something inside, something deep down, something that said not to do what she wanted to do…

She wanted to believe and she wanted to have faith, to accept and to follow that feeling she had inside, but she didnt want to leave this be, she didnt want to follow her instinct just yet.

Part of the girl now lives in regret, she wishes she had followed her gut, her feeling, her faith… But deep down she knows that this was what it was meant to be, and deep down at the centre of her being, she is happy that she did what she did.  Glad that she is where she is right now, glad that she meet the people she meet along the way.

The problem is now she sits and wonders what would have happened if she had followed that instinct, would she have what she wanted all along? Or would she still be where she is now?  She sits there and wishes she could have lived both realities, and chosen the one she liked better – but she knows that is not the way it works, she knows that she has made her choice and she knows that now she must live with it.

Once upon a time there was a woman, or was she just a girl? A scared girl with a problem she wished she could fix on her own.  She wanted to believe and she wanted to have faith, and she wanted to follow the feeling she had inside, but she didnt, and now 97 days later she realised that this problem wasnt a problem that was meant to be fixed, the feeling wansnt a feeling that was meant to be followed.  It was simply a journey, a lesson, an opening that led her to where she is now…

The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination. Don Williams, Jr.

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Day Seventy of 100 – Sometimes we just know….

December 1, 2009 0 Comments

Day four of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle - 125 iu’s FSH

Sometimes the world we live in is so far from reality we are unable to accept life as it really is…

This is today.

lostI want to accept my life, i want to be able to get back to where i was mentally a year ago, excited about my future, excited to wake up every morning and love every second my eyes where open.  This is why i am sure now that this is the last cycle for us.

I cant concentrate and it is really effecting my work, which scares me.  I love where i work, and i love the people i work for, but lately it is not enough for me, and it is showing.  My mind wanders every second, and my mistakes are getting worse and worse and worse, and i am letting down the people i respect most.

I often wondered how i would know when enough was enough.  Today i realised this is it, this is enough, if we keep going i am not going to have anything left, but a broken heart that wont be able to be fixed.

To be honest i am sick of myself being so sad, i am sick of myself being a misery guts, and i am sick of myself making mistake after mistake after mistake, i am better than that, i know i am. And i know that the end to this journey brings me great sadness but i also know that “as one door closes, another opens” and maybe this is my time to find my passion in life, maybe this is my time to do something new, i hope so.failer

I hope i can find myself again, find out who i really am.  2010 is going to be my year of self discovery, of happiness, and pure contentment.  There is but 30 days left of what has surely been the worst year of my life, and i swear on what little happiness i have left inside of me that 2010 is going to be better – and that this time next year i will look back and shake my head at myself, and think… I got through that, maybe not with all my dignity, but i got through it and in doing so, found out who i really am.

“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” ~Henry David Thoreau

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Day Sixty of 100 – Have you ever lost your inspiration?

November 21, 2009 0 Comments

Day 31 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progesterone pessaries 3x daily

Have you ever lost your inspiration.  Ever felt like the thoughts you once had are now gone? Have you ever wished that the songs you once sang with such passion the thoughts you once had with such strength of emotion could just come back?  Have you ever wanted them back, needed them back?

As the days go byHave you ever wanted to paint the pain that you once felt, the emptiness you now feel, the thoughts that you cant express, put them into colour, put in ways that people could understand? But you couldnt no matter how much you tried, you just couldnt pick up the brush?

Have you ever just sat there staring at a blank wall, a blank screen, or just stared blankly not knowing what to do, where to go, what to think, what it is your doing anymore?

Have you ever just wished that you wernt lost in this turmoil, that you inspiration wasnt lost in your confusion?  Just wished that  everything made sense again?  Just wished that your inspiration could come from things just the way that they are?

Have you ever just felt flat, so nothing, so indescrible…

So nothing that you questioned the world, questioned your world, questioned a world that has taken your inspiration, taken your soul, and taken everything that you thought made you who you were…

Have you ever just stoped and said w.h.y?  j.u.s.t  p.l.a.i.n  o.l.d  w.h.y?

Why?

I have.

i question where my inspiration went.

For if i knew, then i could get it back again.

“The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be.” Horace Bushnell

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Day Fifty Five of 100 – Flubber, oh how you make me feel miserable somtimes

November 16, 2009 0 Comments

Day 26 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progesterone pessaries 3x daily

I hope this post is not taken the wrong way  – but i am a little frustrated, and mostly with myself.food

I am feeling fat.  Under normal circumstances i would go for a run, a fast, long and hard run.  But i can not, and for good reasons – and i dont mind that fact, but it doesnt change the fact that i feel fat.

Last year i was so disciplined with myself, i wouldnt eat anything unhealthy, no chocolate, no lollies, no carbs – i was awesome!

But this year slowly as the infertility issues got worse and with each hopeful proceedure, i began eating more and working out a little less as hard.  i had the excuse of – ill be pregnant so it wont matter.

Now a year later. and i think i am about 5kg heavier, and right now, at this second,  am just feeling fat.

I have once again, like many other, and like i have in the past, fallen victim to “emotional eating”

I have infact just finished two plates of apple crumble and ice cream.

I look at myself sometimes and think “what have i done?”

Why cant i just stop myself from eating? Why am i victim to these eating habits again? Why does food make me feel so good?

And if i cant stop myself now, how will i control it when i am pregnant and after i have my child…

i plan to go for a walk when it cools down this afternoon – but it is not enough.  Why did i do that? eat two serves of apple crumble?

And why do i care so much?

I am not disgustingly unhealthy – most of the time i eat wholemeal and soy… It really just is the weekend…

I really wish that i could get rid of my ‘appearance issues’ .. they will have to go quickly when i begin to grow a belly…

Oh i dont know, i really really dont know anymore, i know i am just silly, i know that i am being stupid, but honestly i do sometimes look at myself and wish that it wasnt a struggle for me.

What should i do? How do i approach my body fears? And how can i get over my emotional eating habits, before i loath myself?

What would you do?

“How things look on the outside of us depends on how things are on the inside of us.” Anon

Filed Under: FET Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Day Forty Eight of 100 – The Top Ten things you DON'T want this Christmas

November 9, 2009 0 Comments

Day 19 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progresterone Crione 8% 3x daily

Christmas is just around the corner, i wish it wasnt so… so much to do, so little time!  And in honor of a friend asking me what i would like this year for christmas – i bring you

THE TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON’T WANT THIS CHRISTMAS

  1. Another ‘how to’ make a baby book – do you think that after 5 years, we’re really not sure HOW TO?
  2. Another family member announcing their ‘big news’ – whether it be on face book, space page, twitter, standing at the dinner table or under the Christmas tree – I DONT WANT TO KNOW!
  3. Aunty Flow making a surprise visit
  4. The doctor taking a three week ski vacation – my ovaries have been on holiday for years – it doesn’t make them work any harder or feel any better when they do decide to come back to work!
  5. Hormonal induced rampages of insanity… This one needs no explanation
  6. Sympathetic eyes cast in your direction as you throw down the last glass in your third bottle of wine
  7. Being told – just one more time -  to relax, or if you are taking a holiday – i swear if ONE more person asks, tells, or even breaths a word of a holiday or ‘relaxing’ ARGH!
  8. Last years christmas sweater not fitting you not because there is a belly in the way, but because you have been drowning your sorrows in food
  9. A visit from a family friend who just happens to be a shrink, and
  10. Another 365 days of TTC

“Our frustration is greater when we have much and want more than when we have nothing and want some. We are less dissatisfied when we lack many things than when we seem to lack but one thing” Eric Hoffer

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Day Forty Three of 100 – Yesterday, today, tomorrow

November 4, 2009 0 Comments

Day 14 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily

You know when you try so hard, do all that you possibly can, but no matter how hard you try, no matter what angle you try to take, it seems in vein?

That was today.

It almost seems like that was yesterday as well, and maybe it will be what tomorrow brings?

I was hoping today would be more inspirational, that i would find my insight and bring to you something funny and worthwhile, something that would help others through their rough patches.  Something that would inspire all those hurting to go on, that there is purpose and that there is something worth waking for.

But, alas, i have been defeated by the hormones…

It seems more often than not when going through the vicious cycles of IVF and infertility negativity has a way of raising to the surface and taking what little happiness you had left….

And the only way i can describe to you how i feel today is… Empty

It seems that there used to be more words for how i was feeling, and that there used to be a song that could describe my every mood.  I used to be able to express how i was feeling in someway or another… But right now i just feel empty.

There are things that make me happy for a minute or two, make me smile, and things that make me cry the tears that were dwelling inside, there are few words that can make me feel better, but there are also the thoughts that keep making me sad.  These feelings inside, i keep finding them hard to describe…

It is like a pain that has no end, a hurt that goes so deep inside no doctor could possibly understand, nor attempt to fix it

This emptiness, this negativity… It shows itself, takes over and makes you feel like yesterday, today and tomorrow are all in vein…

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” Lance Armstrong

Filed Under: FET Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Day Thirty Two of 100 – Forget what the medical experts say… There is ALWAYS someone more qualified in fertility!

October 24, 2009 0 Comments

Day 3 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily

So your infertile…  For me it came as a surprise, i had normal periods during high school, went on the pill at 17, then stopped taking the pill nearly 10 years later.  I honestly thought i would get a period a month later.  But nothing, nada, neinte, not even a spot, a cramp, or the slightest hint of anything premenstrual…

Suddenly, almost overnight, my husband and i were thrown into the world of infertility and everything it has the pleasure of offering. Almost as soon as we had decided to go ahead with the IUI’s and attempt to defeat my stubborn ovaries, almost everyone we had mentioned it to suddenly became experts, they suddenly became more educated in infertility then my doctor….

Family, friends, friends of family, long long lost uncle bert, suddenly had a friend of a friend, or a  cousin’s sister’s mother’s best friend who also went through this, or is going through this, but they did it this way and that way, and you shouldn’t do this, you shouldn’t do that…

I had so many people ask me have you researched, have you thought about the costs, can you even afford a child, what if you just waited a year or so….

As we progressed along this year, it seems that every one in my life also progressed – they progressed from a diploma to a degree, to a masters degree in infertility!  Now more hurtful comments came along, dont you think your just being impatient or never mind that it didnt work – there is always next month.  My so called best friend (now ex best friend) said to on one occasion – i hope you dont fall pregnant this time, so we can fall pregnant together, or something along the lines of that, can you believe it!

Besides comments like you should eat this and that, excersise less, sleep more, stop doing this or that, or of my favorite of all comments which i have gotten on more than one occasion is – you just need to take a holiday and relax… NO NO I DON”T! Dont you people understand? Just going on a holiday wont make me pregnant! I AM INFERTILE – you have to actually ovulate if you want to fall pregnant, and I DONT OVULATE – get it through your thick heads, if you dont ovulate than no matter how much S-E-X you have, whether it be on holidays or at home, stressed or relaxed, upside down, doggy style, or upside down with your legs crossed… if you do not ovulate, than there is no egg for the sperm to get to, and thus no baby… HUMPH

Now this was all during the IUI’s… So you can imagine, and those of you who are also infertile – i know that you know what i am talking about, you can imagine the doctors that came out of nowhere when we decided to do the IVF, and not only the doctors this time, but the psyciatrists as well!

Dont get me wrong here, i have an AMAZING support network who i couldnt live without , most of my family and friends now understand, or try to understand what we are going through, but it is the other people, the ones who arnt close enough to understand, the ones you havent really told and that dont really know what is going on but assume to know, and assume to be the experts now…

They are the ones who now give me the hebe-jebies when they tell me to ‘take a break’ or see their friend who is unqualified but apparently ‘an expert’, or to just get over it and suddenly stop wanting children, or my ABSOLOUTE favorite:-

YOU JUST NEED TO STOP STRESSING…

You know what, maybe stopping stressing and just relaxing may help, maybe, but honestly – TELL ME HOW THE HELL TO DO THAT?

I was pondering the thought this morning of a holiday… But what if it doesnt work and i waste my holiday moping, what if i cant find a blood center and cant get my blood taken, what if it does work and i have wasted our money on a holiday, what about work, no i cant take time of work because i have taken to much time for doctors appointments… No, no holiday it is just not practical.

So once again i am back to where i started, not pregnant, not worried or stressed, and definatly not hopeless – we have a plan of attack, we have some money, but we are still being told to take a break, to give up, to talk to this person, to stand on our heads, to go on a holiday, and most frequently TO STOP STRESSING…

OKAY OKAY OKAY… We understand… the MAGIC stalk is coming tonight to leave our baby on our door step…

Alright already – i’m sorry, i get it, i really do get it, they LOVE us and that is why they tell us what to do.  But please, let the doctor do her job, after all if you were a fetility expret i would be paying you the big bucks :)

“When dealing with people remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion” Dale Carnegie

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