Day 161 – Donate or Dispose?

March 2, 2010 0 Comments

Thirteen weeks. Day 93 in the quest to chase our little miracle

IVF – It has to be one of the hardest things anyone should ever have to face.  The torment, the anguish, the pain, the money, and the decisions.

Do we spend the money, are there alternatives, will this work, is it worth it all?  So many questions, and hard life changing questions.  You spend sleepless nights wondering if you have done the right thing, if you are doing the right thing, or if you will regret your choices for an eternity.

And the decisions dont stop, they never stop!

Once you take the plunge and decide to go ahead, there are documents, legalities, sign here, initial there, would you like option a or option b?  And of course no one can make the decisions but you, you are the ones with all the pressure, you are the ones who have to make the final choice, and you are the ones that have to live with them.

Now that all is said and done, and now that for me the IVF has worked, i thought the decision making would be over, i thought that it would just be the one last responsibility of chooseing a name that would keep me up at night.

But i forgot about our frozens…

I forgot about our three potential babies.  I forgot about our frozen embies, hidden away in the deep freeze of the clinic, waiting, just waiting to be defrosted…

I know its not quite the time to be pondering about such life changing things, but the topic has come up twice in as many days, and well…. It has really got me thinking.

Do we try again? Do we want a sibbling for George?

Do we donate?

Or do we dispose?

Three things that haunt me about such a decision…

If we try again, will i get caught up?  If we decide to go ahead with putting the three back in and it doesnt work, will my desire take over, and will i then want to put myself through the whole tormenting IVF process again?  Will i forget what i have and loose myself again?

If we donate, will i spend a lifetime wondering?  I would love to give someone else out there an opportunity, but will i spend the rest of my life wondering if there is a child of mine out there?  Will i wonder about the potential baby i possibly gave away?

Or do we dispose?  Do i get rid of the little critters that i went through hell and back to get?  And if donating my embryo’s is comparable to adoption in my mind, in the same thought is disposal comparable to abortion?

I know my mind is more than likely just playing games with me, and there will be a time later down the track where i will think it through more clearly, but it is something that people talk about, and ask me about…

At least for now they are safe and sound in the deep freeze…

You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions. Naguib Mahfouz

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Day Sixty of 100 – Have you ever lost your inspiration?

November 21, 2009 0 Comments

Day 31 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progesterone pessaries 3x daily

Have you ever lost your inspiration.  Ever felt like the thoughts you once had are now gone? Have you ever wished that the songs you once sang with such passion the thoughts you once had with such strength of emotion could just come back?  Have you ever wanted them back, needed them back?

As the days go byHave you ever wanted to paint the pain that you once felt, the emptiness you now feel, the thoughts that you cant express, put them into colour, put in ways that people could understand? But you couldnt no matter how much you tried, you just couldnt pick up the brush?

Have you ever just sat there staring at a blank wall, a blank screen, or just stared blankly not knowing what to do, where to go, what to think, what it is your doing anymore?

Have you ever just wished that you wernt lost in this turmoil, that you inspiration wasnt lost in your confusion?  Just wished that  everything made sense again?  Just wished that your inspiration could come from things just the way that they are?

Have you ever just felt flat, so nothing, so indescrible…

So nothing that you questioned the world, questioned your world, questioned a world that has taken your inspiration, taken your soul, and taken everything that you thought made you who you were…

Have you ever just stoped and said w.h.y?  j.u.s.t  p.l.a.i.n  o.l.d  w.h.y?

Why?

I have.

i question where my inspiration went.

For if i knew, then i could get it back again.

“The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be.” Horace Bushnell

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Day Fifty Five of 100 – Flubber, oh how you make me feel miserable somtimes

November 16, 2009 0 Comments

Day 26 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progesterone pessaries 3x daily

I hope this post is not taken the wrong way  – but i am a little frustrated, and mostly with myself.food

I am feeling fat.  Under normal circumstances i would go for a run, a fast, long and hard run.  But i can not, and for good reasons – and i dont mind that fact, but it doesnt change the fact that i feel fat.

Last year i was so disciplined with myself, i wouldnt eat anything unhealthy, no chocolate, no lollies, no carbs – i was awesome!

But this year slowly as the infertility issues got worse and with each hopeful proceedure, i began eating more and working out a little less as hard.  i had the excuse of – ill be pregnant so it wont matter.

Now a year later. and i think i am about 5kg heavier, and right now, at this second,  am just feeling fat.

I have once again, like many other, and like i have in the past, fallen victim to “emotional eating”

I have infact just finished two plates of apple crumble and ice cream.

I look at myself sometimes and think “what have i done?”

Why cant i just stop myself from eating? Why am i victim to these eating habits again? Why does food make me feel so good?

And if i cant stop myself now, how will i control it when i am pregnant and after i have my child…

i plan to go for a walk when it cools down this afternoon – but it is not enough.  Why did i do that? eat two serves of apple crumble?

And why do i care so much?

I am not disgustingly unhealthy – most of the time i eat wholemeal and soy… It really just is the weekend…

I really wish that i could get rid of my ‘appearance issues’ .. they will have to go quickly when i begin to grow a belly…

Oh i dont know, i really really dont know anymore, i know i am just silly, i know that i am being stupid, but honestly i do sometimes look at myself and wish that it wasnt a struggle for me.

What should i do? How do i approach my body fears? And how can i get over my emotional eating habits, before i loath myself?

What would you do?

“How things look on the outside of us depends on how things are on the inside of us.” Anon

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Day Forty Eight of 100 – The Top Ten things you DON'T want this Christmas

November 9, 2009 0 Comments

Day 19 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progresterone Crione 8% 3x daily

Christmas is just around the corner, i wish it wasnt so… so much to do, so little time!  And in honor of a friend asking me what i would like this year for christmas – i bring you

THE TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON’T WANT THIS CHRISTMAS

  1. Another ‘how to’ make a baby book – do you think that after 5 years, we’re really not sure HOW TO?
  2. Another family member announcing their ‘big news’ – whether it be on face book, space page, twitter, standing at the dinner table or under the Christmas tree – I DONT WANT TO KNOW!
  3. Aunty Flow making a surprise visit
  4. The doctor taking a three week ski vacation – my ovaries have been on holiday for years – it doesn’t make them work any harder or feel any better when they do decide to come back to work!
  5. Hormonal induced rampages of insanity… This one needs no explanation
  6. Sympathetic eyes cast in your direction as you throw down the last glass in your third bottle of wine
  7. Being told – just one more time -  to relax, or if you are taking a holiday – i swear if ONE more person asks, tells, or even breaths a word of a holiday or ‘relaxing’ ARGH!
  8. Last years christmas sweater not fitting you not because there is a belly in the way, but because you have been drowning your sorrows in food
  9. A visit from a family friend who just happens to be a shrink, and
  10. Another 365 days of TTC

“Our frustration is greater when we have much and want more than when we have nothing and want some. We are less dissatisfied when we lack many things than when we seem to lack but one thing” Eric Hoffer

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Day Forty Three of 100 – Yesterday, today, tomorrow

November 4, 2009 0 Comments

Day 14 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily

You know when you try so hard, do all that you possibly can, but no matter how hard you try, no matter what angle you try to take, it seems in vein?

That was today.

It almost seems like that was yesterday as well, and maybe it will be what tomorrow brings?

I was hoping today would be more inspirational, that i would find my insight and bring to you something funny and worthwhile, something that would help others through their rough patches.  Something that would inspire all those hurting to go on, that there is purpose and that there is something worth waking for.

But, alas, i have been defeated by the hormones…

It seems more often than not when going through the vicious cycles of IVF and infertility negativity has a way of raising to the surface and taking what little happiness you had left….

And the only way i can describe to you how i feel today is… Empty

It seems that there used to be more words for how i was feeling, and that there used to be a song that could describe my every mood.  I used to be able to express how i was feeling in someway or another… But right now i just feel empty.

There are things that make me happy for a minute or two, make me smile, and things that make me cry the tears that were dwelling inside, there are few words that can make me feel better, but there are also the thoughts that keep making me sad.  These feelings inside, i keep finding them hard to describe…

It is like a pain that has no end, a hurt that goes so deep inside no doctor could possibly understand, nor attempt to fix it

This emptiness, this negativity… It shows itself, takes over and makes you feel like yesterday, today and tomorrow are all in vein…

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” Lance Armstrong

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Day Thirty Six of 100 – It's just another day, but for me it is day 36…

October 28, 2009 0 Comments

Day 7 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily

For some reason today i’m not that inspired… Maybe it is because i am simply living my life at the moment?  It is quite weird, i set out on my journey not looking really to gain anything, with just the thought that i would write down how i am feeling to maybe help me through my emotions personally.  I never really imagined that 35 days later i would have many new friends and feel this content…

It’s like i dont feel alone anymore.  I feel like no matter how hard it is, no matter how depressed i feel, there is someone, many ones out there thinking of me and hoping for me just as much as i am hoping for them.

It’s no secret that i am a woman of God, and i have found a different strength each day being able to pray for others instead of me, and my family.  I have found that i have purpose being able to pray and hope for others in the same situation as me, a sense of purpose by giving little snippets of advise, trying to be funny, and also asking for help when i needed it.

And you know what?  Who knew that the worst 36 days of my life, was really the best?  And i know at the end of my 100 days, no matter the out come i will still be sitting here, saying the same thing, that the worst 100 days was really the best 100 days of my life.

Of course i have no idea what is going to happen in the next 64 days, at this point in time i am hoping that i will be sharing the first 64 days of my first pregnancy, and at Christmas finally telling everyone i have a “bun in the oven” but again, i dont know.  I may be sitting here in 64 days crying over the fact that it is over, that i may never get to be a mom…Or that my 100 days will turn into 200 days?

And as my boss would say “where is the gift?” This is the adventure in it all i think, finding the gift and following the challenge i have set myself, giving myself something to keep me going emotionally and physically.  Giving myself and believing in a “reason” for my infertility.

I have to say again, and i am sorry for repeating myself, but i really never imagined that i would get this far in so little time, feel this content, or feel like suddenly i am living my life again, trying new things, learning new things, giving little parts of me out to the wide world, making me feel like i have purpose and that i am not just an infertile waste of space….

And you helped me do that, and i really want to thank you for the past 36 days, and also the next 64…

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” Eleanor Roosevelt

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Day Thirty Two of 100 – Forget what the medical experts say… There is ALWAYS someone more qualified in fertility!

October 24, 2009 0 Comments

Day 3 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily

So your infertile…  For me it came as a surprise, i had normal periods during high school, went on the pill at 17, then stopped taking the pill nearly 10 years later.  I honestly thought i would get a period a month later.  But nothing, nada, neinte, not even a spot, a cramp, or the slightest hint of anything premenstrual…

Suddenly, almost overnight, my husband and i were thrown into the world of infertility and everything it has the pleasure of offering. Almost as soon as we had decided to go ahead with the IUI’s and attempt to defeat my stubborn ovaries, almost everyone we had mentioned it to suddenly became experts, they suddenly became more educated in infertility then my doctor….

Family, friends, friends of family, long long lost uncle bert, suddenly had a friend of a friend, or a  cousin’s sister’s mother’s best friend who also went through this, or is going through this, but they did it this way and that way, and you shouldn’t do this, you shouldn’t do that…

I had so many people ask me have you researched, have you thought about the costs, can you even afford a child, what if you just waited a year or so….

As we progressed along this year, it seems that every one in my life also progressed – they progressed from a diploma to a degree, to a masters degree in infertility!  Now more hurtful comments came along, dont you think your just being impatient or never mind that it didnt work – there is always next month.  My so called best friend (now ex best friend) said to on one occasion – i hope you dont fall pregnant this time, so we can fall pregnant together, or something along the lines of that, can you believe it!

Besides comments like you should eat this and that, excersise less, sleep more, stop doing this or that, or of my favorite of all comments which i have gotten on more than one occasion is – you just need to take a holiday and relax… NO NO I DON”T! Dont you people understand? Just going on a holiday wont make me pregnant! I AM INFERTILE – you have to actually ovulate if you want to fall pregnant, and I DONT OVULATE – get it through your thick heads, if you dont ovulate than no matter how much S-E-X you have, whether it be on holidays or at home, stressed or relaxed, upside down, doggy style, or upside down with your legs crossed… if you do not ovulate, than there is no egg for the sperm to get to, and thus no baby… HUMPH

Now this was all during the IUI’s… So you can imagine, and those of you who are also infertile – i know that you know what i am talking about, you can imagine the doctors that came out of nowhere when we decided to do the IVF, and not only the doctors this time, but the psyciatrists as well!

Dont get me wrong here, i have an AMAZING support network who i couldnt live without , most of my family and friends now understand, or try to understand what we are going through, but it is the other people, the ones who arnt close enough to understand, the ones you havent really told and that dont really know what is going on but assume to know, and assume to be the experts now…

They are the ones who now give me the hebe-jebies when they tell me to ‘take a break’ or see their friend who is unqualified but apparently ‘an expert’, or to just get over it and suddenly stop wanting children, or my ABSOLOUTE favorite:-

YOU JUST NEED TO STOP STRESSING…

You know what, maybe stopping stressing and just relaxing may help, maybe, but honestly – TELL ME HOW THE HELL TO DO THAT?

I was pondering the thought this morning of a holiday… But what if it doesnt work and i waste my holiday moping, what if i cant find a blood center and cant get my blood taken, what if it does work and i have wasted our money on a holiday, what about work, no i cant take time of work because i have taken to much time for doctors appointments… No, no holiday it is just not practical.

So once again i am back to where i started, not pregnant, not worried or stressed, and definatly not hopeless – we have a plan of attack, we have some money, but we are still being told to take a break, to give up, to talk to this person, to stand on our heads, to go on a holiday, and most frequently TO STOP STRESSING…

OKAY OKAY OKAY… We understand… the MAGIC stalk is coming tonight to leave our baby on our door step…

Alright already – i’m sorry, i get it, i really do get it, they LOVE us and that is why they tell us what to do.  But please, let the doctor do her job, after all if you were a fetility expret i would be paying you the big bucks :)

“When dealing with people remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion” Dale Carnegie

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Day Thirty One of 100 – BEWARE of the CRRRAAAZY Lady!

October 23, 2009 0 Comments

Day Two – FET Cycle

FET – Frozen Embryo Transfer

Today i am myself… A happy, bubbly, excitable, caffeine addicted, fit and healthy lady…maybe…(a lady i mean)

beware

But BEWARE i’m not sure it is going to last long… Not because i dont like being myself, and not because i am depressed about the failed IVF no no no… Quite the opposite… Because i start on my new hormone replacement therapy tonight…

And this time it is going to work! I can feel it… Well not really, but i have decided that the negative vibes are bad, and the let down is the same whether i tell myself it hasnt worked, or whether i believe that it has, so go the positive vibes!

Okay so back on topic… Hormones, hormone replacement therapy… I guess this is because normally i am hormoneless… LOL no no it is because i dont have a regular cycle, and i am NOT waiting for something that may or may not happen, we want to get this show on the road!

The next 11 days will consist of oestrogen in the form of a nice little tablet – Progynova 2mg – 3 times a day, followed by a scan, then if all goes to plan and the oestrogen grows my lining enough, i will continue the oestrogen and being on progesterone.  The little information sheet here says that i will continue on BOTH of these hormones untill the positive pregnancy test, and then througout the first trimester. (Postive thinking, positive thinking)

At this point in time my FET will be on Novemeber 9… still the AWFUL wait… but at least there is not going to be any physical pain involved this time… maybe some weight gain, maybe some more pimples, maybe some emotions, my best friend ‘side effects’ is deffinatly going to make an appearance… But i can run it all away :)

And at the end of it I WILL BE PREGNANT… and i did something really really really really bad…. I bought a pink stuffed bear… Hope i havent double jinxed myself! (1 – pregnancy, 2 – girl)

Oh and i forgot to mention, i have decided only to defrost one.  I am scared that if i put two back in i will have twins, and i was speaking to the nurse today, and there are just way to many risks… I want to fall pregnant and make it through the 40 weeks… I CAN do this!  Well we can, but i refer to it as i because my wonderful husband has already done his bit, and – you know – the male partners job in the IVF process is SOOOO difficult and painful – note the SARCASM!  I actually think he is out the back now doing cartwheels, because he wont have to visit the clinic at all this time!

So thats all:

RAMBLINGS COMPLETE!

CRAZY LADY OUT…

“To love is to risk not being loved in return, to HOPE is to risk pain, to try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing and to get nothing in return.” Anon

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