Frustrated

Day One Hundred of 100 – Is this where the real story begins?

December 30, 2009 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Five

To my dearest little miracle,

I thought that day 100 would bring me answers, i thought that i would begin the new year knowing just where i stood, and what my plan for 2010 would bring me. I thought that day 100 would bring me a solid answer to end my journey.

But like many other days on this topsy turvy journey, i say – i was wrong.

There are no answers just yet, not today, not tomorrow, and not even the day after that, just waiting, hoping, praying, believing that you are inside of me growing.

Last night i cried, i cried for you my little miracle and i cried for me. I cried because i dont know how to live without chasing you, and i cried because i am not sure if this is the end or if this is the beginning…

I cried to God and i asked out loud for peace and happiness, i asked why i cant stop thinking about you, and i asked why day 100 couldnt have brought me the answers i so desperately desired…

As i lay there crying, i turned to your father, i asked him why i couldnt just turn the switch off, why i couldnt go back to being who i was before i was chasing you, why there are never solid answers, and why even in a positive situation, there is still so much turmoil and heartache. Your father turned to me and said the most sincere thing i have ever heard him say, he told me that God had turned the switch on, and right now, at this point in time, God wanted that switch to stay on.

Your father then rolled over, and in the dead of the night said to me, this is not the end, this is the start of a new journey, its is not over, it is just a new beginning, a new day, a new year, and a new story to be told…

So my little miracle, this is not the end, this is the beginning, and tomorrow marks day one of the rest of my journey Chasing a Miracle, searching for you, hoping and believing that you are in me growing, gaining strength, just waiting to meet us.

Never forget my child, that i will forever chase you, as you will always be in my heart. If i never get the chance to meet you, i promise i will never forget the journey, nor the people i have meet along the way. And as i have said many times before, know that your father and i love you more than anything on this earth and no matter what happened, no matter what challenges were thrown our way, we faced this journey chasing a miracle searching for you.

Love from a mother that may never be.

What we call the end is also the begining. The end is where we start from. TS Elliot

Filed Under: Limbo Land, The Final Cycle, To my miracle Tagged With: answers, Baby, Embryo, Frustrated, God, hope, husband, peace, pregnant, questions, relationship, story

Day Ninety Eight of 100 – I have forgotten…

December 29, 2009 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Three

How can i say it is over?

How can i say that i am am giving up?

How can i say that this is it?

I dont know. But i know in my heart that i cant do this anymore. Yesterday three words came out of my husbands mouth that i never expected him to say. “i am over it” and when he said those words all i could think was, so am i, so am i.

I want a child more than words will ever say, i want to be a mother, and i want to experience what i may never experience, but after four failed IUI’s, after another four failed IVF rounds, my heart is broken, and i just cant take this pain anymore. I need time for myself because i have forgotten who i am, i have forgotten what i like, what it feels like to be carefree, and i have forgotten why i am alive, and what i am living for.

I have forgotten how to live without being so obsessed with TTC, IUI’s or IVF, i have forgotten what it is like not to worry or have false hope, and i have forgotten how to live without a plan.

I have forgotten how to have sex without worrying about if it is the right time, or if the sperm is good quality, i have forgotten what it is like to be spontaneous and not feel like i have to stick my legs up in the air, wait for 15 minutes, dont do this, do that, turn this was, or that way…

I have forgotten how much i love to exercise, to run, to just escape in a pool of sweat, making myself work so hard it hurts, spending an hour listening to MY favorite songs, i have forgotten how much i love having just one hour for myself in my own little world.

I have forgotten what it is to live a life without a plan, without watching every penny, without worrying what is happening next month or next week, i have forgotten how to just live, to say yes to a night out with the girls, or to say yes to a holiday in 4 months.

I have forgotten what it is like to say yes to a glass of wine with dinner, to say yes to the soft cheese, and to say yes to playing a game a football with the family.

I have forgotten what it is like to have spintaious, concern and thought free fun…

I HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO LIVE.

And in forgetting how to live, i have forgotten who i really am.

I keep wondering what i do now, i keep thinking i cannot give up, that i am weak for not going on. But i cant right now, i need to find me, i need to live a life.

For if i dont stop, if i dont find myself once more, i will lose everything i have, and every part of who i was, and who i am, and if i am not who i am – how can i possibly be a mother?

Life is what you make of it. Always has been, always will be. Grandma Moses

Filed Under: After IVF, Limbo Land, The Final Cycle Tagged With: angry, answers, emotions, Fertility, Frustrated, God, IUI, IVF, journey, pain, questions

Day Ninety Seven of 100 – I am going to tell you a story…

December 28, 2009 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Two – It is over, i have lost my last IVF battle. A blood test will still be taken on day 98, but it is over, it is finally over, and now i tell you a story, something kept inside for what feels like an eternity now.

Once upon a time there was a woman, or maybe she was just a girl with a problem that she wished she could fix on her own.

Long ago, before her battle began, she had a feeling, a feeling that she kept a secret, a feeling, an emotion, a sign, it was something inside, something deep down, something that said not to do what she wanted to do…

She wanted to believe and she wanted to have faith, to accept and to follow that feeling she had inside, but she didnt want to leave this be, she didnt want to follow her instinct just yet.

Part of the girl now lives in regret, she wishes she had followed her gut, her feeling, her faith… But deep down she knows that this was what it was meant to be, and deep down at the centre of her being, she is happy that she did what she did. Glad that she is where she is right now, glad that she meet the people she meet along the way.

The problem is now she sits and wonders what would have happened if she had followed that instinct, would she have what she wanted all along? Or would she still be where she is now? She sits there and wishes she could have lived both realities, and chosen the one she liked better – but she knows that is not the way it works, she knows that she has made her choice and she knows that now she must live with it.

Once upon a time there was a woman, or was she just a girl? A scared girl with a problem she wished she could fix on her own. She wanted to believe and she wanted to have faith, and she wanted to follow the feeling she had inside, but she didnt, and now 97 days later she realised that this problem wasnt a problem that was meant to be fixed, the feeling wansnt a feeling that was meant to be followed. It was simply a journey, a lesson, an opening that led her to where she is now…

The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination. Don Williams, Jr.

Filed Under: After IVF, Limbo Land, The Final Cycle Tagged With: angry, answers, Beliefs, emotions, Fertility, Frustrated, God, hope, inspiration, pain, questions

Day Ninety Five of 100 – I dont know anymore

December 26, 2009 0 Comments

Day twenty eight of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle… Crinone 8% once daily

To my dearest little miracle,

I dont want to write these words for fear of hurting the people i love most of all in this world, but these words are honest and true, they need to be written, they need to be told if i am to stay sincere to myself.

I cant do this anymore, the pain is to much to bear. I thought i could go on but i cant, i need time to myself for a while. Part of me believes that my miracle, that you, are going to come to me naturally when i am not trying so hard to find you. The other part of me is dying inside.

Your father says its not over yet, and maybe its not, maybe i am giving up to early, maybe i am scared to hope, scared to believe there is a chance. But this pain, this pain i am in doesnt feel right for a little miracle.

I love you, i really do, but right now, at this point i need to be selfish and claim my life back. I need to stop this pain, both physical and mental. I need to find out who i am, be whole once more, stop worrying every second of the day, stop having false hope, stop convincing myself there is a chance when there is not. Just stop. Stop and breath. Just breath.

They always say “when you least expect it” maybe i have to let go, and maybe in letting go i will find you. I dont know, and that really scares me, but i have to put my fear aside, i just have to.

No matter how much time i take for myself, i promise i will come back for you my little miracle, i promise you that i will never give up on you, have faith in myself and my dreams, and i promise that you will always be somewhere in my heart, not too far from my mind.

Love always from a mother that may never be.

If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again. Flavia Weedn

Filed Under: The Final Cycle, To my miracle Tagged With: emotions, Frustrated, hurt, journey, marraige

Day Seventy of 100 – Sometimes we just know….

December 1, 2009 0 Comments

Day four of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle - 125 iu’s FSH

Sometimes the world we live in is so far from reality we are unable to accept life as it really is…

This is today.

I want to accept my life, i want to be able to get back to where i was mentally a year ago, excited about my future, excited to wake up every morning and love every second my eyes where open. This is why i am sure now that this is the last cycle for us.

I cant concentrate and it is really effecting my work, which scares me. I love where i work, and i love the people i work for, but lately it is not enough for me, and it is showing. My mind wanders every second, and my mistakes are getting worse and worse and worse, and i am letting down the people i respect most.

I often wondered how i would know when enough was enough. Today i realised this is it, this is enough, if we keep going i am not going to have anything left, but a broken heart that wont be able to be fixed.

To be honest i am sick of myself being so sad, i am sick of myself being a misery guts, and i am sick of myself making mistake after mistake after mistake, i am better than that, i know i am. And i know that the end to this journey brings me great sadness but i also know that “as one door closes, another opens” and maybe this is my time to find my passion in life, maybe this is my time to do something new, i hope so.

I hope i can find myself again, find out who i really am. 2010 is going to be my year of self discovery, of happiness, and pure contentment. There is but 30 days left of what has surely been the worst year of my life, and i swear on what little happiness i have left inside of me that 2010 is going to be better – and that this time next year i will look back and shake my head at myself, and think… I got through that, maybe not with all my dignity, but i got through it and in doing so, found out who i really am.

“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” ~Henry David Thoreau

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: emotions, Fertility, Frustrated, hope, inspiration, IVF, journey, pain

Day Fifty Eight of 100 – The future is yours to see…

November 19, 2009 0 Comments

Day 29 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progesterone pessaries 3x daily

I wish i had a crystal ball, i wish i could know what was to come

I wish i had a crystal ball, for then I would know just how to cope

I wish i had a crystal ball so i knew just what was waiting for me

I wish i had a crystal ball so i knew i could withstand this pain and i wish i had a crystal ball so i knew just where this pain would end

I wish i had a crystal ball, for then I would know how long this journey would last…

If i just had that crystal ball i know i would have some peace within

And if i had that crystal ball, i would know not too worry for the crystal ball would tell me that everything was going to be okay and the crystal ball would let me know that i wouldnt have to wish this wasnt me anymore…

“They say the future is yours to see, but really the future is a confusing mystery…”

Filed Under: FET Tagged With: answers, Frustrated, inspiration, journey, pain, Sad

Day Fifity Four of 100 – A thousand questions posed, none to ever have answers

November 15, 2009 0 Comments

Day 25 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progesterone pessaries 3x daily

Today as i watched a tv show where a woman had a miscarrage, i was reminded of an interview i watched on a morning show called Sunrise a few months ago.(watch the interview here – the bit i am talking about is 2mins 40 seconds into it).

It made me really being to think, when i am upset, so heart wrenchingly upset about my loss when the IVF doesnt work, am i mourning the death of my embryo because i have lost one of my babies, or am i morning simply becuase it didnt work and i have to do this process again?

It may sound stupid, and this may pose so many ethical questions, but when is a baby a baby? Where and when does human life begin?

When i miscarried after a few days, what was i mourning, did i loose a child? I didnt really think about it at the time, as i was so upset, but now, now i do feel like i have lost a part of me, and agiain i am not sure if that is because i am ‘dying’ to fall pregnant and have a child, or because i really did lose a part of me.

I have spoken to my stomach a number if times since friday, i have written a post my child i am getting ready for you my husband and i have a name that we call our embie already, but this again causes conflict in my mind, because we called the one that miscarried, the same thing.

And what about all the other frozens out there (i only have one left) what about the two last month that didnt make it? They could have been my children, three have been wasted already! Gone, dead and gone.

The IVF ethics are nearly as contraversal as the abortion ethics – when is a child a child? When does human life begin? And what are we doing here, messing with nature?

When we first looked at our contract with the clinic, it did go over specifics like if we broke up, if one of us died etc. And we didnt take the topic lightly, i thought about it for weeks. Wondering what we would do if this happened or if that happened.

How i would feel if another woman had my child in her belly…

How he would feel if another man brought up my child..

How we would both feel if we knew somewhere out there, there may or may not be a child alive that is genetically ours.

I decided in my heart i couldnt handle it. It is either together or not at all.

But then again, as we progress along this journey, i dont know, i just dont know anymore, how do you ‘dispose’ of something that could be a child, a baby, someone that you always dreamed of meeting?

I dont expect ever to get answers, and i dont expect that everyone could possibly understand, some may laugh, because we are ultimatly talking about something that is not visable with the naked eye, something that is a combination of cells – but to me and DH that combination of cells, that could be our child, the one we always dreamed of, the one that we have spent the last year, dreaming, hoping, desiring, and praying for every day.

“Life is an unanswered question, but let’s still believe in the dignity and importance of the question” Tennessee Williams

Filed Under: FET Tagged With: answers, Beliefs, Embryo, emotions, Frustrated, hope, questions, transfer

Day Forty Three of 100 – Yesterday, today, tomorrow

November 4, 2009 0 Comments

Day 14 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily

You know when you try so hard, do all that you possibly can, but no matter how hard you try, no matter what angle you try to take, it seems in vein?

That was today.

It almost seems like that was yesterday as well, and maybe it will be what tomorrow brings?

I was hoping today would be more inspirational, that i would find my insight and bring to you something funny and worthwhile, something that would help others through their rough patches. Something that would inspire all those hurting to go on, that there is purpose and that there is something worth waking for.

But, alas, i have been defeated by the hormones…

It seems more often than not when going through the vicious cycles of IVF and infertility negativity has a way of raising to the surface and taking what little happiness you had left….

And the only way i can describe to you how i feel today is… Empty

It seems that there used to be more words for how i was feeling, and that there used to be a song that could describe my every mood. I used to be able to express how i was feeling in someway or another… But right now i just feel empty.

There are things that make me happy for a minute or two, make me smile, and things that make me cry the tears that were dwelling inside, there are few words that can make me feel better, but there are also the thoughts that keep making me sad. These feelings inside, i keep finding them hard to describe…

It is like a pain that has no end, a hurt that goes so deep inside no doctor could possibly understand, nor attempt to fix it

This emptiness, this negativity… It shows itself, takes over and makes you feel like yesterday, today and tomorrow are all in vein…

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” Lance Armstrong

Filed Under: FET Tagged With: emotions, Fertility, FET, Frustrated, IVF, journey, pain

Day Twenty Seven of 100 – Yesterday was bad, today is worse.

October 19, 2009 0 Comments

Day twenty-five of IVF cycle – 4 sleeps until first blood test, 7 sleeps until confirmation blood test.

You say you understand, but you dont.

You say you know how i feel, but you dont.

You say that this is no excuse, but it is.

cry I can not control the tears, i can not control the way i am expressing my emotions, the intensity, i can not control anything. I am hurting, hurting from places i didnt think it was possible to hurt from. No matter how many tears i cry no matter how much i wish it away or think positively – the pain isnt going away.

I am okay, i will be okay in the end, i know that i will be okay, and i know i am loved, but the pain, the pain is still there.

It is there deep inside, a ball growing stronger and stronger, feeding on the hormones i am injecting twice everyday.

You dont understand, even if you think you do, you cant. Every one is different, each emotion in everyone is felt uniquely, so you couldnt possibly understand. Just as i coulnt possibly understand how you are feeling.

15 years ago when i was 12 people said they understood, they said they felt my pain, they said they knew what i was feeling. But how could they?

Now 15 years later at 27, they tell me they understand, they tell me they feel my pain, they say that they know what i am feeling. But how could they?

How can anyone possibly understand the inner workings of my brain, 15 years ago or now, or 15 years from now? I dont even understand. I dont even know the difference between my thoughts and the hormones thoughts and actions. How can they know how the hormones are altering me?

I want to be myself again, my husband wants me back.

Iwant me back, we both really really want me back.

But i, we, want a child of our own more…

So try understanding that?

Many cant, many wont, many will judge me, and some will once again tell me they understand…

“The heart has reasons that reason does not understand.” Jacques Benigne Bossuel

Filed Under: IVF Tagged With: answers, emotions, Frustrated, IVF

Day Twenty Six of 100 – It's The Hormones, I am sorry…

October 18, 2009 0 Comments

Day twenty-four of IVF cycle – 5 sleeps until first blood test, 8 sleeps until confirmation blood test.

I hate this i really really do.

We are at the beach and all i want to do is sit here and enjoy the scenery – but i cant.

I cant because all i see are families. And i cant because i still have cramps. And i cant because i am pastey pale and have to sit in the cold shade.

I am suppose to be part of the family – and not in the way you are thinking. We are here at the beach with my step son. I should be playing in the sand with them, i should be enjoying the little time we have together – but i cant because he isnt mine.

So many times i have been told that he is part of my family and i should see him as my own, have some sort of ‘connection’ with him… But i dont.

When this all started, when the infertility began, besides hurtful comments like, ‘arn’t you just being impatient’ and ‘just relax, your time will come’, everyone said to me, and i mean everyone, ‘at least you have your step son’

father and son Yes, yes i do have a step son, and yes, yes i do love him very very much and i do treasure the moments we spend together – but no, no he is not my son, he has a mother. I didnt grow him inside of me, i did not give birth to him, and i did not watch him grow from a tiny baby.

I do not have a special connection with him – and he does not fill the childless void in my heart. And if that makes me a disgusting, horrid, evil, unworthy person that does not deserve her own – then so be it – he is not my son, he is my husbands son, and my beautiful step son.

I know that some feel that this makes me the worst partner, and a disgusting person, but i can not help the way i feel, and i have spoken to other women who feel the same, i know that i am not alone. Just as i know that i am evil and deserve to be punished like this because of it – this is the reason for my infertility. This is why God hates me so much, because i cant even see my step child as my own. Maybe this is why i dont deserve my own children, why i dont deserve a child, why i now have been through 2 failed IVF attempts, why we have spent $15,000 this year on help – just to have it thrown right back in my face, why i have lost faith and hope.

I dont deserve to have children let alone deserve what i have in my life now.

Today i am miserable, and not even sipping a skinny latte watching the waves crash down over the rocks, listening to the peace and quiet, not even taking a deep breath fo fresh air can help.

I am miserable, just miserable – But i know that i must go on.

I MUST GO ON…

“Life must go on; I forget just why.” Edna St. Vincent Millay

Filed Under: IVF Tagged With: emotions, Frustrated, IVF, pain