My toes dont touch the floor...

2004 i started swelling, i had sore joints and for no reason my ankles and feet began swelling... That year i was diagnosed with Lupus.

When we first started talking about a family i learned from the specialist that anti inflammatory medications during pregnancy are a no go...

2008 i stopped taking all medication, and i was fine.

For the first time since 2004 yesterday my feet began swelling, and they didnt stop.  By the end of the evening i had no ankles and i my feet looked like two balloons.

And as i lay in bed with my feet raised, i began to worry...

I am only half way there.... What if it gets worse?  I knew this might have happened, and i know in a week i will be able to talk to the specialist about it all, but i dont want to go on medications, i really dont.  I spent so long getting fit an healthy to avoid putting these medications into my body, i really just wanted to get through this pregnancy without the lupus coming back, getting worse.

I spent the night with my feet up hoping that this morning it would have been better, hoping that it was a one off, hoping that keeping my feet raised would have helped.  As i woke up i realised i was wrong.  They are less swollen, but my toes still dont touch the floor, my feet are still swollen.

I am trying not to think about the 'what ifs' i am trying not to think negatively, but you still have to wonder...

And i am sitting here wondering, why suddenly now?  What has suddenly changed?  I will try not to think about it, i will wait until next monday to talk to the doctor, but i really hope, and i will pray, that this doesnt hurt my george, that i wont have to go on any medication, that with rest and caution, all will be ok.

I just pray that all will be ok.

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays. Anon

I made a comment to my colleges today as i ate my lunch, and as my eyes filled with tears, and as i got strange looks, i realised that the pain i went through just a short while ago is still so real in my mind.

This morning as i read my updates on twitter, i saw that my good friend Holly was hurting just as i have hurt before.  I was reminded of the pain of IVF and just how it never stops, reminded that no matter what happens, no matter how good the news, it still hurts, and there are still so many uncertintys and so much doubt, it never stops hurting.

I honestly wanted to break down, i thought my limbo land was a one off thing, and i thought that i wouldnt have to see it happen to anyone, let alone someone who is my friend, let alone someone i care about, let alone someone who deserves more.

I have said this so many times before, and i said it today in that lunch room, you wouldnt wish IVF or IF on your worst enemy, you woulnt, you couldnt.  No one deserves this much pain, no one, it takes your soul away, it takes whatever you had inside of you and reduces it to pain and suffering.  Even now, with all the hope in the world, i am crying.  I am crying for the pain i see in a friend, and i am crying for the pain i went through to get here, i wish i could take it away, i wish i could take my pain away, and i wish i could take the pain in my dear friend away.

Even now, even with seventeen weeks behind me, with everything in front of me, i still dont understand, i cant understand, why?  Yes i learned so much about myself, yes i grew in faith, and yes i am a stronger woman for enduring what i did, but why? Just why?

Dear Lord,

Thank you for the blessings i have received and the little miracles you have shown me over the past year, i pray for continued strength in myself and in my george, and i pray today for courage not only in myself, but for someone who is suffering just as i have suffered before.

Lord, please be with Holly over the next few weeks, please give her the strength she needs, and let her feel your presence with her as she struggles through her fears.  I pray that the life inside of my dear friend continues to grow and gain strength each and every day, i pray that her suffering ends and i pray that happiness follows, and that the life inside her shows others that miracles happen and that you are real, and faith is worth holding onto.

Once again i pray for courage, hope, and faith for all the women i know out there who need it most.

I  Jesus name i pray,

AMEN.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

Today i didnt break down, but i cried...

I cried for me, and i cried for you.

I cried because i know your pain, i cried because i understand, i cried because i want to help and i cant, i cried because i wished i could be there, i cried because i cant see you, but i can feel your pain...

So i say the only thing i can say, you will survive... Learn from my pain, learn from my story, and know that you will get by, you will survive.  You will find yourself again, it will be ok, there is hope, have faith.  When the world is screaming the impossible, scream back "nothing is impossible, with God, all is possible" and you will survive.

Trippin out
Spinning around
I'm underground
I fell down
Yeah I fell down

I'm freaking out, where am I now?
Upside down and I can't stop it now
Can't stop me now, oh oh

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry

I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet, on the ground
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I'll take a stand until the end

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, and I won't cry

To my dearest little miracle,

I wrote you a letter.  150 days ago i began by writing you a letter.  I honestly didnt think that you would ever read that letter, i thought that it would be a way to help me through my grief.  I thought that if i wrote you a letter, if i wrote down how i was feeling, then i might be able to get through my hardship with a little less tears.  I never thought that i would be sitting in my lounge room 150 days later, writing a letter to someone that is really alive.

In three sleeps, in just four days, i will meet you my miracle, your father and i will look on the screen and see your perfectly formed body, we will see you, in more than just 'blob' form.

My miracle, just the thought of you in there, fills me with such joy, with such anticipation for september, it is hard to express just how much you mean to me.  I write you this letter today, knowing that no more are you a fantasy, no more are you a figment of my imagination, no more are you a dream to aspire to, you are alive, and you are ours.

I pray each day that the lord blesses you with health and happiness, i pray each day for your saftey in there, and i pray that i can nurture you in the best way that i know how.   I want nothing more than to wake up next wednesday mroning, knowing that you are a happy healthy little baby, growing perfectly, just as a true miracle should.

I know that i have said that i am scared, and i know that i have said that i have fear, but today i choose to have faith and believe that the Lord who blessed me with a miracle, will too bless me with nothing but a beautiful child formed in his image.

I have grown to love you my tiny miracle, and i will continue to grow in loving you each and every second until the day i meet you, and even then, it will not stop.

Stay strong, and no matter what, always remember, that i am your mother, and you are my miracle.

Love from a mother that will be.

Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof. Kahlil Gibran

This will stay in my heart for an eternity...

Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. Amy Bloom

To my dearest little miracle,

As i have told you on many occasions before, the year of 2009 was one of the hardest years of my life, and it was hard for reasons other than my journey chasing you.

Last year the man we all knew as Opie, my mothers father, your great grandfather, left this world to be with his daughter.

I am ok, we are all ok, but it doesnt make us miss him any less, most of the time i remember him in passing, latley a little more because your cousin Charlie, well he riminds me in a beautiful way, just how special Opie was to us... And this morning almost out of the blue i received an email which made me think just a little bit more of him, and for a brief moment a wave of sadness washed over me knowing that you would never get to know Opie.

Our Opie was one of the most treasured people i have ever know, he had the kindest spirit, and was by far the most treasureable grandfather of all, and most importantly he was my mothers father, your grandmothers father.

The thing that brings a tear to my eye right now, is the thought that you, my miracle, will never get that chance to meet him, nor will you ever get the chance to meet his daughter, my mother.

If i had one wish for you, it would be that my family and i will be able to share with you the many memories we have of both my mother and Opie, and that you will grow up knowing that you have the most wonderful family.  I pray that even though you will never have the opportunity to meet them,you will know that they are a part of you, and that i will ensure that you know just how much they influenced my life, and thus your life too.

My miracle, you will meet many people in your life, but know that sometimes it is the people who you never knew, or will never know, that are the biggest influence on your life, and that mean the most in the place that matters the most; your heart.

Love from a mother that will be

Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. Kevin Arnold

Who de fool?

We are!

I'd like to say that i was prepared for all of this... I'd like to say that we had been smart and thought of everything BEFORE we started TTCing, but to be honest we just stopped taking the pill and thought all would work itself out from there... But it didnt!

As you all know we needed help, and that became our priority, we didnt even really think about anything pregnancy related, well i didnt at least, for fear of disappointment later on...

So now that we have actually reached the goal that all married couples hope to reach, we have found ourselves unprepared for the questions that have now risen...

Two such topics came up in thursdays doctors appointment...

1. Private or Public - you see in Aus here you can choose whether to purchase health insurance or not, and silly DH & I said "when will we ever need that?" It seems now, we need it!  The debate with DH is, is the money worth it? I say yes, due to the fact of personalized care, and due to the fact that we have spend so much getting to this point.. We would never forgive ourselves if we didnt get the best care for our child.  DH's perspective, i could take more time off work...?
2. (Ewww) Vaginal Birth or C-Section - So i always assumed that vaginal was the norm... Nope it seems i was wrong, no norms anymore!  Apparently now there is a choice, and doctors seem to recommend C-Section...  But in saying that, that will only be an option if i go private, and it will cost more... But in saying THAT, again we only want the best for our baby, and what is best for our miracle...?

There are so many things i never even thought we would have to think about... And so many different opinions, i thought it would be nurseries and fluffy toys from here on in, i think i thought i knew what i wanted...  It is like this scary, wonderful, magnificent furr ball all wrapped up, and caught in my throat!

Ekkk... How do i want my baby to enter the world?   All I know i just want the safest and healthiest way for my baby, no matter the cost to me financially or physically... Now DH and i just have to find the guts make the choices....

HELP?!

Choices are the hinges of destiny.  ~Attributed to both Edwin Markham and Pythagoras

Okay so maybe not each day a new miracle, but each week.

Today i had my 5th scan of my pregnancy, and it never ever ceases, and i dont think it will ever cease to amaze me, just how a life grows, or just how quickly a life grows... I wish i could show you the images we have, but the clarity isnt enough, and the images just arnt enough to describe the amazement, the awe, and the feeling that the actual visual on the ultrasound gives me, just to see something go from nothing, to a void, to a void with a dot, to a void with a wriggling line (fetal pole) to todays vision.  A 0.92cm blob, with a beat, in a void, with a yolk...

I know i have said this before, and i know i should have faith no matter what, but each time i see my little miracle my faith is renewed... It just amazes me that a little life grows so fast, that i have finally got a life inside of me, that there is a part of me and my wonderful husband inside, just waiting to meet us...

I know it is easy for me to say, but miracles are real, miracles do happen every day.  Miracles dont have to be out of the ordinary, they just have to be extraordinary.  They just have to make you believe in something bigger than you or me, they have to make you believe in your heart that God is real, and they have to make you see that hope is worth holding onto...

I thought hope was lost, i thought i would give up, i thought that it wasnt meant to be...  But it was, there was a plan, and while i will never forget the pain i went through for this, it was all worth it and i wouldnt change it for the earth.

I have never felt this much joy in my life before, and i see the happiness in my husbands eyes and know he feels the same...

Praise the Lord for a miracle!

Fear can keep us up all night long, but faith makes one fine pillow. Anon

Day Ninety of 100, or Day Twenty Three of this cycle - desperate times call for desperate measures... if you all recall, i ate pineapples, for three days infact... and yes, yes i was sick of them after three days, i swore i would never eat pineapples again...

However....

Maybe there is some truth to this mysterious fruit... Maybe the myths about the fruits holding magical powers for implantation, are not myths at all, maybe just maybe, in years to come, doctors will be telling us that pineapples are part of the program, along with all the prenatal vitamins, injections, nose sprays and pessaries... who knows?

What i do know is this time i ate pinapples, no other time did i eat pineapples, just this time, and wouldnt you know it, i am pregnant...

So i dont know about you.... but i need no further explanation... i am now an avid believer of pineapples for implantation...

What about you?

The world is full of magical things, whether you believe it or not is your choice.

I have been debating whether or not to write this or not, for fear of making my worst nightmares real, but this blog is me - the real me, inside and out, so i am not going to lie, or dismiss something that i am feeling.  And I am not sure who my audience is now, who is reading my blog, and i apologize if i offend anyone out there, but i am going to continue writing in the only way i know how... By telling the truth about me.

You know when you have news, really really GREAT news, people are so very excited for you, over the moon, so much so that it brings a tear to their eye?  But then, they care so much for you, they try to reassure you that it is going to be ok, even when you never thought it wouldnt?

I have gotten twice now "As long as you make it through the first 12 weeks"

They care, i know they do, they are just being real... and i wont lie, i am scared, i have my fears, but in the end i have to be positive, i have to rebuke my fears and doubts and just believe. I must to have faith, i do have faith...

But this is all so new to me, so exciting, so life defining, everything i ever imagined, how could i not pinch myself, do a double take, want to make sure this is real, and that it is not in my head, and make sure that it will never end?

Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible. Mary McLeod Bethune

To my dearest little miracle,

I never imagined that something so small could bring me so much joy.  I never imagined i would feel so much love so early on... But you have, and i do...

For a long time i wasnt allowed to believe you were mine, for so long i was told to proceed with caution, but i have to believe this is it, i have to believe you are in there, your heart beating stronger and stronger each minute, and i believe with all my heart and soul that my little miracle, you will be with me and your father in the spring of 2010.

I may be told to proceed with caution, but i have waited for so long for this moment, for this dream to become reality, i want to cherish every moment of it... And because you fill my heart with a joy i never imagined possible, because i love you so dearly more and more each day, because i believe that you are my miracle, i pray.

I pray each and every day for you, and i will pray for you each day until i hold you in my arms, and even then i wont stop praying for you.  I want you to know that you are a miracle, and i want you to believe that no matter how much science can explain your existence, i believe with every ounce of my being, that you are a miracle, sent to me from the Lord above...

Love from a mother that will be...

For those who have love there are always miracles

I do this often, and technically today should be no different to any other morning, but it was.  This morning when my alarm went off, for the first time in almost a year, i actually jumped out of bed and looked forward to the day.

For that split second this morning, before the sun had even risen, i was excited to have the whole day ahead of me, i was excited about the future, i was excited to be getting out of bed for a walk, just me, the sunrise, and my tunes... I was finally excited...

And as i walked and watched the sunrise, it was like a door had opened, not a door to another world, but more a door to a cupboard... And in that cupboard held all the things i have been so desperately wanting to think about, but have not been able to, or felt like i was not allowed to...  For years now i have been putting all my thoughts about anything baby into that cupboard, and this morning, this morning i got to open it...

I spent an hour and a half just thinking about all the things i wasnt allowed to think about before, i thought about things that i was scared to think about, and as i walked and as i said a quick prayer, i noticed i was crying...

I was crying because i went through hell and back.  And i will never ever forget that, i will never forget the feeling that i went through something, something that made me scream, something that made me cry like i never cried before, something that made me feel pain like no one, expect the people who have experienced this, could possibly understand...

I went through hell and back, but because of that i now can have gratitude, love, appreciation, and faith when i open that cupboard door and think about the things i have so desperately wanted to think about... And because of the trials i faced, i can watch the sunrise once more, and be filled with endless hope...

Put your HOPE in God. Psalm 42:22

To my dearest little miracle,

I chased you, i sought you, and now i see you... One week ago i saw a void, i saw a miracle begin...  Today i witnessed yet another miracle, today i saw your little heart beat, i saw a life inside of me that is no bigger than a few millimeters... My little miracle, today i got to celebrate your life, today i finally got the confirmation that you were alive, that you were really there, that you my little miracle will one day soon be in my arms...

Happiness overcame me, tears flowed down my cheeks as i saw this tiny little life inside of me move... I have never experienced anything as amazing as i did today, i have never felt so overwhelmed with the knowledge that there is a God and he is listening...

My miracle there is nothing more that can express to you my deepest emotions...

Love from a mother that will be

You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen. Paulo Coelho

I am lost for words tonight, i thought that i knew how i felt, i thought i was scared about tomorrow, i thought i knew who i was and what i thought, and then i received an honest opinion...

I realized that this is what i really needed tonight. Something that made me look at my inner most thoughts, my worries, my pain, what i have wanted, and the way i have looked at myself...

Someone to guide me, to let me know that things are ok - but to just take another look.  I realized that everything that i was told was true, that sometimes i fear the worst for unjust reasons, that sometimes i look at myself with an eye of hate, and that sometimes when i doubt what i have, i give reason to let the devil in.

And i think that today, that has been the best gift...

Learning that through my words, i can receive advice.  Learning that i can be healed if i just ask, learning that i am not alone, and that there are wonderful people out there just waiting to help me, to guide me, and to strengthen my faith...

To accept good advice is but to increase one's own ability. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Today i pray, because while i have complete faith that what is meant to be will be, i am scared... I have no idea how i will face the next few days, i have to be positive, but i am still scared to let myself hope for fear of devastation.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for giving George the chance she has had, thank you for giving her the strength to grow each day, and each day showing me a new miracle.

I pray now that you continue to give George the strength to keep growing, i pray that you give our embryo a heart, the most beautiful heart that will grow to love you and your word.  I pray that Georges heart, the heart you give life to this week, grows stronger and stronger by the day and by the minute...

I pray that this miracle of ours proves that you are real, proves living each day by faith and trusting in you brings miracles, proves that we all can trust in the power of prayer...

Lord, as i do each day, i pray for all the ladies out there who have suffered or are suffering in a story similar to mine, i pray that you give them courage they need to continue, and most importantly peace within, and the ability to find happiness.

I also pray for the women out there who dont understand what it is like to appreciate life, nor see the miracle in each life that you give, i pray that somehow they find compassion and understanding as well as the ability to appreciate what you have blessed them with...

Lord, thank you for all you have blessed me with, and i ask once more that you be with George and give her all the strength that she needs...

In Jesus Name i Pray

Amen...

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 NKJV