I made a comment to my colleges today as i ate my lunch, and as my eyes filled with tears, and as i got strange looks, i realised that the pain i went through just a short while ago is still so real in my mind.

This morning as i read my updates on twitter, i saw that my good friend Holly was hurting just as i have hurt before.  I was reminded of the pain of IVF and just how it never stops, reminded that no matter what happens, no matter how good the news, it still hurts, and there are still so many uncertintys and so much doubt, it never stops hurting.

I honestly wanted to break down, i thought my limbo land was a one off thing, and i thought that i wouldnt have to see it happen to anyone, let alone someone who is my friend, let alone someone i care about, let alone someone who deserves more.

I have said this so many times before, and i said it today in that lunch room, you wouldnt wish IVF or IF on your worst enemy, you woulnt, you couldnt.  No one deserves this much pain, no one, it takes your soul away, it takes whatever you had inside of you and reduces it to pain and suffering.  Even now, with all the hope in the world, i am crying.  I am crying for the pain i see in a friend, and i am crying for the pain i went through to get here, i wish i could take it away, i wish i could take my pain away, and i wish i could take the pain in my dear friend away.

Even now, even with seventeen weeks behind me, with everything in front of me, i still dont understand, i cant understand, why?  Yes i learned so much about myself, yes i grew in faith, and yes i am a stronger woman for enduring what i did, but why? Just why?

Dear Lord,

Thank you for the blessings i have received and the little miracles you have shown me over the past year, i pray for continued strength in myself and in my george, and i pray today for courage not only in myself, but for someone who is suffering just as i have suffered before.

Lord, please be with Holly over the next few weeks, please give her the strength she needs, and let her feel your presence with her as she struggles through her fears.  I pray that the life inside of my dear friend continues to grow and gain strength each and every day, i pray that her suffering ends and i pray that happiness follows, and that the life inside her shows others that miracles happen and that you are real, and faith is worth holding onto.

Once again i pray for courage, hope, and faith for all the women i know out there who need it most.

I  Jesus name i pray,

AMEN.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

Exhaustion overcomes me, and my emotions overwhelm me, i cant think, i dont think, i am just reacting….

I have made so many mistakes this week, hurt people i dont want to hurt, and why? becuase i am not in control, because no matter how hard i try my reactions are just over emotional.

I wish i could explain to people just how not in control i am, no matter what i do i am overreacting, and no matter how much i know i am doing it i cant stop it.

It is different to the kind if emotional i have felt before, it is the kind of emotional that makes me just want to curl up and sleep, curl up and dream of my future to come, curl up and pray that my miracle is ok, that my miracle will survive the distance.

This week i have been hurt, i have been angry, i have been scared, and of course i have been happy, but i have let these emotions out when i should have kept them in, i have let them out and hurt people because i should have left them in.

How can i stop this, how can i let my emotions go, just accept and move on, just live with the way things are, and the way things should be, accept change, accept my future no matter what it brings?

Exhaustion, i can barley keep my eyes open, and maybe that is where the emotions stem from?

I hope tomorrow brings a calmer day, i pray tomorrow brings security and peace within.

I hope tomorrow brings forgivness for the hurt i accidentaly caused.

I hope tomorrow i can be the person i know i am, emotions kept in check.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. Albert Einstein

Two words that can change the way you feel, two words is all it takes to bring you from cloud nine to reality, yet it is also two words that will take you right back to where you started on cloud nine.

The first two words of my appointment yesterday, they were the two words that can take just that little bit of hope away, like plucking the stem of the apple, or a leaf from a bushy tree… Just enough for concern to grow, just enough for your smile to vanish for just one second.

High Risk.

I knew all along that this is the case, i knew when i started what i was getting myself into and i knew before that appointment that this wasnt going to be easy, and i knew that this wasnt just going to be the ‘standard’ – but then again, who is?  It was just to hear the words, to to hear it out loud, for it to be confirmed that just makes it real, makes the knowing just that little bit more scary.

I know it is normal to have some fear, and i know that i am no different to anyone else, than people in my situation, and i never, ever ever forget how blessed i am to even be this far, but with SLE or with auto immune disorders, or just with high risk pregnancy’s, it is scary, your body does different things, and the doctors are never sure just how you will react.  I know that people have babies all the time. with worse illnesses than me, but i think it is the unknown, the un-understood, and the un-felt of the little child inside of you that makes it hard.

Two words is all it takes.

And the two words that i treasure, the two words that remind me that this is real, the two words that give me hope, faith, and something to hold on to when all else fails…

A Heartbeat.

That rippled, wheerly sound, that you instantly recognize… That is what i hold onto, that is what gets me to sleep at night, and that it what gives me hope and makes me believe in tomorrow.

In all things it is better to hope than to despair. Johann Wolfgang

I thought by now the stress or worry about the pregnancy would be over, and i thought that in my mind i would have confidence and security about the future.

But to be honest i dont, and to be honest i am scared out of my mind.

There are so many if, buts, maybes, questions you dont want to ask yourself, fears you are afraid to admit, and most of all fears that you are scared that if you admit people will think poorly of you.

I am scared that i have done something wrong, or that i will do something wrong that will hurt my george.  I am scared that geroge is not ok in there, because i cannot feel anything but slight little cramps that the doctor tells me is ligaments stretching and moving. I am scared that i will start to bleed, and i am scared that my stress from work will hurt little george.

I am scared that if i make it to september, that i wont be a good mother, i am scared that i will be cranky, and i am scared that i will do everything wrong.

I am scared because i am scared, and i am scared that being scared is stupid.

I just dont know, i have turned into an over emotional, over thinking stressed little girl who should be grateful for what she has, but is to scared to even let herself dream.

Where has my courage gone?

Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death. Earl Wilson

Toady i am scared.

I shouldnt be, maybe i should be i dont know, but i am scared

The whole IVF thing is awful, just awful.  You spend so long wanting and hoping and dreaming, and then it happened and you think the pain and fear is over, but its not.

Today i am scared, and i have no one to turn to.

I am scared because i have these little cramps, and i dont know if they are normal.  They are not that painful, just weird, and i have this anxious feeling as well.  It seems to be a little better now after my shower, but i still cant help but to feel scared.

We went through so much to get here and to get this far, and to have these fears is just so overwhelming.

Idont know what to think, or what to do.  I have an appointment tomorrow, where i pray that i will just be told everything is normal, but my fears are still there, and they are real, and i will not deny them, i will get over them, i will enjoy my day today, but i will not deny them.

I often wonder if we didnt go through IVF would these fears be as real? Would my anxiety be as strong? And it often makes me wonder if my fears are justified, or just a silly frame of mind that the struggles i went through to get here put me in…

You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith. Mary Manin Morrissey

Today i didnt break down, but i cried…

I cried for me, and i cried for you.

I cried because i know your pain, i cried because i understand, i cried because i want to help and i cant, i cried because i wished i could be there, i cried because i cant see you, but i can feel your pain…

So i say the only thing i can say, you will survive… Learn from my pain, learn from my story, and know that you will get by, you will survive.  You will find yourself again, it will be ok, there is hope, have faith.  When the world is screaming the impossible, scream back “nothing is impossible, with God, all is possible” and you will survive.

Trippin out
Spinning around
I’m underground
I fell down
Yeah I fell down

I’m freaking out, where am I now?
Upside down and I can’t stop it now
Can’t stop me now, oh oh

I, I’ll get by
I, I’ll survive
When the world’s crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don’t you try to stop me
I, I won’t cry

I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet, on the ground
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I’ll take a stand until the end

I, I’ll get by
I, I’ll survive
When the world’s crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don’t you try to stop me
I, I won’t cry

I, I’ll get by
I, I’ll survive
When the world’s crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don’t you try to stop me
I, and I won’t cry

I never understood tweeting or blogging.

Not until about October last year did i really understand it.  Sure i knew about it, but i didnt get it…

Twitter was for nerds, writting your thoughts on a site that people may or may not read… Well that was even nerdier… But now, well i cant live without it.

I only started my blog because i needed something to get me through.  I was going to keep a journal until my brother in law set this site up for me, and i thought, why not, saves me carting around a book…

I have said this before, but i couldnt have done this, gone through IVF, gotten back on the path time and time again, if it wasnt for this blog and if it wasnt for my twitter ‘followers’.

I honestly dont think that you can understand, unless your in it yourself.  And i am not just talking about IVF and IF, i mean the whole social network thing.  To be honest, most of my ‘real’ friends dont get it, my father certainly doesnt get it, neither does my husband.  Most of the people i talk to just cant understand why you would write something in 140 characters, why you would post your every thought onto a page where the world can read it, why you would look forward to the comments and the end of the day.

But then again, you never know if you’ve never tried…

I now say to people who dont understand or who think it is just ‘nerdy’ that i have made friends with people i may never meet.  These people really care about me, they ask me how i am going, i know they have cried for me, some of them have stayed up late just to hear my news… and you know what? Some of my real friends didnt do that.

I have been asked so many times if i am trying to get a book published, or a movie made, or if i am just copying the movie Julie and Julia.. I laugh and of course sarcastically answer ‘yes, that its exactly why i started this’ (if they were smart they would know that i started my blog before the movie came out). But in all honesty i do say to people that this it is my support network, these are the people who understand me, who can give me advice, who can relate to what i am going through and what i have been through.  How many times do you get to a clinic, a doctor, a hospital, and be given a pamphlet for a support group?  Well, this is my support group, and i tell people that nearly everyday when i am questioned on my motives behind being a tweeter, and a blogger…

I have been asked if i was not infertile, if i hadnt been handed this opportunity would i have done it anyway? To be honest, no i dont think i would have been involved, i think i would have continued on with my life believing that this was nerdy… But this is the way the cookie crumbled, and i find myself saying again, that while last year was hell, i wouldnt change it for the world.

I am grateful for being able to connect with people who i understand, and who understand me and couldnt have said it better than the last day of 2009.

For the times when you stayed awake to see my news – thank you.  For the times when you waited, your hearts beating as fast as mine – thank you.  For the times when you simply gave me a *HUG* a *MWAH* a :p and even a – thank you. Thank you for the past 100 days, for your support, for cheering me along when i needed it most, for praying for me when i thought i had lost God, for crossing your fingers and toes for me, thank you. And thank you for the comments that always made me cry…  The worst year of my life is now over, and again i say – i wouldnt change it for the earth.  I sit here and i welcome in 2010 with open arms knowing that i have strangers in my life who will be with me holding my hand chasing my miracle each and every day with me.

To people that think blogging as a waste of time, to twitter quitters that dont give this a shot, to twitters that think it is just about business networking… No. This is about people finding people who understand in one way or another, this is about knowing that someone will help you when you say help, this is about knowing that a comment at the end of the day, no matter how small, will make you smile.  Because in the end, how many of your ‘real’ friends text you and simply say ‘are you ok *HUGS*’ ?

I know i have maybe one or two ‘real’ friends that will text me just because, but i have over 200 ‘followers’ that will comment each and everyday, and make sure that i am ok.  In my mind, even though i dont know them, and even though they will never replace my truest friends, they are my friends, and they are there for me.

Twitter and my blog changed my life, and got me through the hardest 100 days i never imagined i would have to face.  How many people do you know out there can say that?

Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. Elbert Hubbard

When the storm clouds cover ever ounce of hope you have left, when you are in deeper than you have ever been before, when nothing makes sense, and everything is against you, remember these three things:

1. Courage - The quality of mind that enables a person to face difficulty without fear and with bravery.
2. Love - knowing that no matter how dark your cloud, no matter how heavy your heart, no matter what, love will get you though.  There is a man on the other side of the bed who will stick by you no matter what happens. And,
3. Hope - Nothing can be done without hope.  For I know then plans I have for you, says the Lord.  They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and hope.  Jeremiah 29:11

Faith is knowing that the the sun has risen even when the clouds cover every ray of light.

Guess what? It’s a give away! WOOT!

And i might just add, my first!  But what could it possibly be? Well my friends it is an awesome and funky T-shirt, and today i have two to give away! Yes that is right, one t-shirt each to the two most awesomeness people who read this blog

So what is the funky t-shirt design?

Has anyone ever told you to just relax?  And you just wanted to say:

The t-shirts are plain black, with white text, and dont worry, i have a variety of sizes to give away!

The back of the t-shirts have a small design:

So would you like a t-shirt? Its easy! All you have to do is post a comment below

1. Log in in using your twitter account (select the log in drop down box, and choose my twitter account, allow the application to connect to you twitter account)
2. Share it with your twitter friends (select the share drop down box and select my twitter followers)
3. Post your comment, and tell me what has been your favorite blog post so far (if you need a catch up, check out the archives)
4. Re Tweet this post

The two winners will be chosen next sunday 7th March (aussie time!).  Make sure you are following me on twitter so as i can find you!

Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile. Albert Einstein

boom boom boom, beats the little heart…

165 beats per minute, i hope i never forget.

Love comes to those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they’ve been betrayed, to those who still love even though they’ve been hurt before. Anon