Exhaustion overcomes me, and my emotions overwhelm me, i cant think, i dont think, i am just reacting….

I have made so many mistakes this week, hurt people i dont want to hurt, and why? becuase i am not in control, because no matter how hard i try my reactions are just over emotional.

I wish i could explain to people just how not in control i am, no matter what i do i am overreacting, and no matter how much i know i am doing it i cant stop it.

It is different to the kind if emotional i have felt before, it is the kind of emotional that makes me just want to curl up and sleep, curl up and dream of my future to come, curl up and pray that my miracle is ok, that my miracle will survive the distance.

This week i have been hurt, i have been angry, i have been scared, and of course i have been happy, but i have let these emotions out when i should have kept them in, i have let them out and hurt people because i should have left them in.

How can i stop this, how can i let my emotions go, just accept and move on, just live with the way things are, and the way things should be, accept change, accept my future no matter what it brings?

Exhaustion, i can barley keep my eyes open, and maybe that is where the emotions stem from?

I hope tomorrow brings a calmer day, i pray tomorrow brings security and peace within.

I hope tomorrow brings forgivness for the hurt i accidentaly caused.

I hope tomorrow i can be the person i know i am, emotions kept in check.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. Albert Einstein

I thought by now the stress or worry about the pregnancy would be over, and i thought that in my mind i would have confidence and security about the future.

But to be honest i dont, and to be honest i am scared out of my mind.

There are so many if, buts, maybes, questions you dont want to ask yourself, fears you are afraid to admit, and most of all fears that you are scared that if you admit people will think poorly of you.

I am scared that i have done something wrong, or that i will do something wrong that will hurt my george.  I am scared that geroge is not ok in there, because i cannot feel anything but slight little cramps that the doctor tells me is ligaments stretching and moving. I am scared that i will start to bleed, and i am scared that my stress from work will hurt little george.

I am scared that if i make it to september, that i wont be a good mother, i am scared that i will be cranky, and i am scared that i will do everything wrong.

I am scared because i am scared, and i am scared that being scared is stupid.

I just dont know, i have turned into an over emotional, over thinking stressed little girl who should be grateful for what she has, but is to scared to even let herself dream.

Where has my courage gone?

Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death. Earl Wilson

To be honest i have a weee lil bit of a temper… My sister and i call it the “Bowen trait” and we have always said that any man that can put up with a Bowen is a keeper, and well we have both found our keepers… And after last night i am not sure my keeper really knew what he was in for when he said “I do”!

It is a fact that sometimes my frustrations get the better of me and i will just get so angry and overwhelmed and something i am doing or a situation that i have put myself into that i just have to stomp or yell it out…

And last night i shocked myself, because for the first time in my pregnancy i got all worked up and frustrated, and i honestly couldnt help it!  I tried not to get upset, i tried to be calm, but i couldnt, i just got so annoyed at the situation – and it really started worrying me.

This couldnt have been good for lil george, getting so worked up inside?  I asked myself how do i stop? And last night i did something i dont usually do.  I gave up.  I shut my computer, got a bowl of ice-cream, and gave up… I went to bed without a solution.  I have NEVER done that in my life!  I always go to be with solutions, and i always finish what i am doing, and i never emotional eat… But i did.

I think last night this was a wise decision, but i dont want to be the person who gives up… I want to conquer and succeed!  I want to find a solution to my challenges.

So my question this morning is not how to avoid the frustration, because we all know that is impossible, it is how on earth do i stop myself getting so worked up and find a solution that is not giving in?  How do i control the uncontrollable?  How do i realise i am in the middle of a situation that can only be solved when i am calm?

I need to be the one that succeeds, but now i need to be the one that doesnt get so frustrated and angry first…

Our frustration is greater when we have much and want more than when we have nothing and want some. We are less dissatisfied when we lack many things than when we seem to lack but one thing. Eric Hoffer

There comes a point i think when one just must go on… Decide that whatever will be will be, because in the end there is nothing you can do, no way that you can change things, nothing that you can do to physicality change the outcome…

I know that if the outcome of this waiting, of this limbo land, is negative, i will be devistated, there is nothing i can do for myself to change that.  But in saying that, i can act now to help myself pick myself up again.  And that is what i am doing.

I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

Yesterday and last night my boobs stoped hurting,and my husband even commented that they had shrunk, and i know in reality this means that the HCG hormone levels must have dropped.  I want to hope and i want to believe that this may still be my miracle, and after yesterday i will never stop believing in miracles, and i will try my hardest not to doubt Gods plan, but i am a realist, and i am not naive, i know that on monday my blood work will have confirmed the enevadible.

It is funny because last week, all i wanted was for my levels to drop and this to be over… I prayed that my boobs would stop hurting and that i could just go back to normaility…  But after i saw that ultrasound, after i saw just an ounce of hope, it was like my world changed, and i wanted the levels to stay, i wanted my boobs to hurt….

On thursday i said i needed a miracle to go on, i saw one on friday, and today on saturday even though the outcome looks bleak, because i got the miracle i asked for, i know in my heart that it will be okay, and that the future is what it is and i cant change it, i just have to find enough faith and courage inside of me, and know that i will be ok, and one day, one day, i will hold my miracle, and know that it truly was a miracle…

We can only appreciate the miracle of a sunrise if we have waited in the darkness

I just want this over.  I want my final cry and i want to get on with my life.  I dont care anymore.  No matter how much i pray, no matter how much i scream, no matter how much i wish, and no matter how much i cry out to the Lord for a miracle, no matter how much i chase this… It only hurts more.

I want to say that i am angry, i want to hate this world and what it puts us through, i want to blame someone, i want to punch something, and most of all i want to hate God – but i cant… I just cant because i am over it, i am honestly just over it, i dont want to do this anymore – I WANT OUT!

Dont get me wrong… I want a child more than anything else on this earth, but more than that, i want to be whole.  I want my life back, i want to wake up in the morning and have hope, i want to wake up to a schedule, i want to wake up and be proud of myself and what i have achieved, i want nothing more on this earth than to be happy, and this not knowing, this limbo land, this maybe maybe not… It makes me say over and over and over again I WANT OUT!

I want to run away my pain, i want to wake up and think, ok this is the plan, this is who i am and what i am going to achieve this year.. but i cant because i am stuck, i am stuck in limbo land waiting the worst wait of my life.

To my dearest little miracle,

Are you there? Your mother and father need to know what is happening, as much as we love you, we cant do this anymore.  We are hurting from places even deeper than the places we never thought we could hurt, and we need to grieve, but we cant because there are no definite answers. I need to know, we need to know where you are, if you are there?

My little one, we still love you, and still hope for this miracle, i pray for this miracle to be a true miracle, where the unexpected and unexplained happens…

My Dearest little miracle if you are still there be strong and show yourself… Show yourself in all your beauty…

Love from a mother that may never be.

Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow. Dorothy Thompson

However i have just been inspired by my great friends at The Road to Happily Ever After and His & Hers Infertility

Life is hard, life has its ups and downs, and while sometimes it is easy to hate the world, and to hate God, and to curse everything and everyone, it is the good things that we should focus on, and the achievements that we have made that make us who we are today.  I have decided that no matter the outcome, and no matter how bad the road ahead is, no matter how good or bad my situation is, i am going to get through this, a week ago i had no hope, but then the tides turned, and whether the tides turn for the worst, or for the better again today, i know i can get through it and i will get through it and i will be a better person for it.

Now for my decade of change – from 17 to 27… and while i cant remember the years (like PCOS Chick!) i can remember that my decade didnt completely suck, and it has gone a little something like this…

• Became an Aunt for the first time
• Meet my husband to be
• Dropped out of university (theater acting)
• Step son was born
• Studied and completed Diploma of Interior design
• Became the proud mother of Alfred my first fur baby (cat)
• Moved out of home
• DH and I rented our first place together
• Found out i Had Systemic lupus erythematosus
• Became an Aunt for the second time
• Got my first full time job
• Got my car license
• Got my first car
• Meet 3 girls who are now my closest friends
• Watched my sister, step sister and father get married
• Got engaged
• Bought a house, pulled the insides out and renovated it
• Got married (Still the best day of my whole life!)
• Lernt how to run long distance
• Stared a running group with my sister… Each year we run 8km on mothers day in the mothers day fun run.  “We run for mum” in the two years that we have competed the run, has raised about $6,000 for breast cancer.  We are running again this year! And will continue to run until we die..
• Switched Jobs
• Had my appendix removed
• My best friend fell pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful girl… I couldnt be more happy for her!
• Discover that i am going to be an Aunt for the third time! so excited – any day now YEY!
• Decided to have a baby
• Found out that having a baby is easier said then done
• Started this blog
• Made a daily habit of finding at least one quote i like and writing it on my blog
• Meet the most wonderful people in the must unexpected place (twitterverse)
• Got our second fur child – Wilma, who i just adore and to many peoples disgust will over protect and treat like the child i may never have…
• Realized that life is what you make of it, and while sometimes it is hard, you will always pull through it a better person in the end.

Thank you girls, as i look at this list, the past ten years has been awesome, and while 2009 was dreadful and 2010 has started on rocky grounds, it has been an experience, and one day i will be telling someone somewhere about my experience, and all that i have gained…

Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. English Proverb

Have you ever lost your inspiration.  Ever felt like the thoughts you once had are now gone? Have you ever wished that the songs you once sang with such passion the thoughts you once had with such strength of emotion could just come back?  Have you ever wanted them back, needed them back?

Have you ever wanted to paint the pain that you once felt, the emptiness you now feel, the thoughts that you cant express, put them into colour, put in ways that people could understand? But you couldnt no matter how much you tried, you just couldnt pick up the brush?

Have you ever just sat there staring at a blank wall, a blank screen, or just stared blankly not knowing what to do, where to go, what to think, what it is your doing anymore?

Have you ever just wished that you wernt lost in this turmoil, that you inspiration wasnt lost in your confusion?  Just wished that  everything made sense again?  Just wished that your inspiration could come from things just the way that they are?

Have you ever just felt flat, so nothing, so indescrible…

So nothing that you questioned the world, questioned your world, questioned a world that has taken your inspiration, taken your soul, and taken everything that you thought made you who you were…

Have you ever just stoped and said w.h.y?  j.u.s.t  p.l.a.i.n  o.l.d  w.h.y?

Why?

I have.

i question where my inspiration went.

For if i knew, then i could get it back again.

“The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be.” Horace Bushnell

FET – Frozen Embryo Transfer

Today i am myself… A happy, bubbly, excitable, caffeine addicted, fit and healthy lady…maybe…(a lady i mean)

But BEWARE i’m not sure it is going to last long… Not because i dont like being myself, and not because i am depressed about the failed IVF no no no… Quite the opposite… Because i start on my new hormone replacement therapy tonight…

And this time it is going to work! I can feel it… Well not really, but i have decided that the negative vibes are bad, and the let down is the same whether i tell myself it hasnt worked, or whether i believe that it has, so go the positive vibes!

Okay so back on topic… Hormones, hormone replacement therapy… I guess this is because normally i am hormoneless… LOL no no it is because i dont have a regular cycle, and i am NOT waiting for something that may or may not happen, we want to get this show on the road!

The next 11 days will consist of oestrogen in the form of a nice little tablet – Progynova 2mg – 3 times a day, followed by a scan, then if all goes to plan and the oestrogen grows my lining enough, i will continue the oestrogen and being on progesterone.  The little information sheet here says that i will continue on BOTH of these hormones untill the positive pregnancy test, and then througout the first trimester. (Postive thinking, positive thinking)

At this point in time my FET will be on Novemeber 9… still the AWFUL wait… but at least there is not going to be any physical pain involved this time… maybe some weight gain, maybe some more pimples, maybe some emotions, my best friend ‘side effects’ is deffinatly going to make an appearance… But i can run it all away

And at the end of it I WILL BE PREGNANT… and i did something really really really really bad…. I bought a pink stuffed bear… Hope i havent double jinxed myself! (1 – pregnancy, 2 – girl)

Oh and i forgot to mention, i have decided only to defrost one.  I am scared that if i put two back in i will have twins, and i was speaking to the nurse today, and there are just way to many risks… I want to fall pregnant and make it through the 40 weeks… I CAN do this!  Well we can, but i refer to it as i because my wonderful husband has already done his bit, and – you know – the male partners job in the IVF process is SOOOO difficult and painful – note the SARCASM!  I actually think he is out the back now doing cartwheels, because he wont have to visit the clinic at all this time!

So thats all:

RAMBLINGS COMPLETE!

CRAZY LADY OUT…

“To love is to risk not being loved in return, to HOPE is to risk pain, to try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing and to get nothing in return.” Anon

To continue on from my post Day eleven – The ten things they should warn you before your first IVF appointment i bring you ten thing that you will learn throughout the duration of IVF…

1. The Female reproductive system:- What a follicle is, how large it must be to ovulate, how long an egg lives, where the egg and sperm meet…
2. The Male reproductive system:- How long sperm lives, what a good sperm count is, what a good sperm mobility count should be, how long it takes for sperm to generate, how many days before EPU he should ejaculate, how many days before EPU he must withstand from ejaculating…
3. That you are now overly qualified to give your nieces and nephews their sex education classes
4. That the white fuzz on the ultrasound machine actually means something
5. That you REALLY did have to lose your modesty -  as now not only the doctor, the nurse, and three scientists have seen your un groomed “who-ha” they also almost got pee’d on by you because your bladder was just that little too full at embryo transfer…
6. That self embarrassment has a whole new level.  There is a point in your life where you must realize that talking about discharge or your partners sperm count is generally classified as “too much information”
7. That unexplained crying will forever remain unexplained.  See a baby – cry.  See a pregnant lady – cry.  See a fat person, assume they are pregnant – cry.  See nappies on sale at the grocer – cry.  Rub your belly – cry.  Cry for no reason.  Cry in the am.  Cry in the pm.  Cry because you are crying.
8. That when people tell you, you “just need a holiday” or “just relax” or “arn’t you just being a little impatient” they are just trying to help… They really have NO idea, so just nod and smile, nod and smile
9. That patience is a virtue you dont have, and that the most important thing you will be warned of and the most important thing you will learn throughout the duration of IVF is,
10. That you and your partner may just be contemplating life without children…

“You have learned something.  That always feels at first as if you had lost something.”  ~H.G. Wells

You know the ones, the days where it is beautiful outside but you have to work inside.

One of those days that you could really just live without.  Those days where everything goes wrong, nothing goes right, and everything and everyone is against you.  One of those days where you just shouldn’t get out of bed?

TODAY WAS ONE OF THOSE DAYS!

This morning started with my newest of hormone treatments – Progesterone gel… This is meant to ‘build up’ the lining of the uterus and prepare it for implantation. Seems harmless right? Well well well… I have been here before, and you really really dont want to know… And at risk of ‘too much information’ i will share just two important comments

1. The ‘injection’ is not a needle, and
2. side effects

I know that the hormones have not had a chance to get into my system yet, and maybe there are some left in my system from the past week, i am not sure how it all works, all i know is that today was ‘one of those days’ and i feel like it wasnt me in there feeling these feelings.  Like i am watching myself experience these emotions.

Over the past year i have noticed at different points the feeling that i was not who i am, wondering why i was getting so sad and stressed, wondering why i was so frustrated and angry, why my temper had gotten the better of me, why i am so quick to throw my hands up in the air and say ‘i cant go on’

It is the weirdest feeling and i think unless you have been on this concoction on hormones, there is no way you will understand what i am writing.  No particular reason for crying when you should be smiling, no particular reason for yelling when you should be calm, no particular reason for having ‘one of those days’ but still you just keep having

ONE OF THOSE DAYS!

“A true friend laughs at your stories even when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your troubles even when they’re not so bad” Proverb