Day Thirteen of 100 – The top ten emotions you should most watch out for while on IVF hormones

October 5, 2009 0 Comments

Drollercoasteray eleven of IVF cycle - THE BIGGEST ROLLER COASTER RIDE YET!

125 iu’s FSH, Orgalutran injection PLUS Overdril (trigger injection), three needles tonight, feeling tired bloated, sick, at the limits of my pain threshold, emotions running wild…  but thats it, after 8.30pm tonight, no more needles!  Yip, yip, yippie!  Egg pickup only 36 hours away… quality not quantity nurse rachael says… we want quality… and i am praying for good little googy eggs…

So today was a BAD day, i was sick, sore, extraordinarily busy and very very hormonal… and in my frazzled state of mind i may have accidentally overreacted, so in honor of a twenty year friendship down the tube due to hormones i have decided to pass on what i have discovered today for all to  learn from…

The top ten emotions that will sneak up on you at any given moment, while you are on an IVF cycle are:

  1. Depression: despair, sadness, misery, hopelessness, gloominess, melancholy, dejection, unhappiness…
  2. Regret: feel sorry, disappointment, apologetic, repentant, remorseful, shame…
  3. Frustration: aggravation, irritation, disturbance, annoyance, dissatisfaction…
  4. Anxiety: nervous, worried, concerned, uneasy, apprehensive, restless, fretful, fearful…
  5. Confusion: bewilderment, perplexity, puzzlement, uncertainty, misunderstanding…
  6. Excitement: enthusiasm, thrill, anticipation…
  7. Inspired: encouraged, motivated, enthused, stimulated, stirred, moved…
  8. Joy: delight, happiness, pleasure, enjoyment, bliss, elation, thrill…
  9. Anger: annoyance, irritation, fury, rage…
  10. Overreacting: exaggerate, dramatize, be melodramatic, over the top, react excessively…

While these emotion are not uncommon to anyone else on this planet, the difference between emotions, and IVF emotions are that they are not only felt 1,000,000 times more powerfully. They are ALL felt in a very short time frame, and all jumbled up intermingled with each other, eating your brain up, consuming every thought you have…

A prime example of this was demonstrated today.  The emotional roller coaster of me all began at 9.46am with an email, yes an email sent me mad today, and as the message went back and forth, and back and forth, and back again, well this is what transpired emotionally…

9.46am – Inspired

10.31am – Frustrated

10.46am – Angery

10.50am – At this point i think i overreacted

11.01am – Then came the regret

11.31am – Then AGAIN Frustrated

11.43am – And a little more regret

11.58am – Then Confusion

12.01pm – Joy, only given by the fact that it was lunch time)

12.28pm – Then back to the desk and it hits: Depression

1.03pm – Then the REAL feelings and emotions emerged…

1.04pm – misunderstanding excitement depression sadness misery hopelessness melancholy dejection unhappiness regret feel sorry elation disappointment  apologetic repentant remorseful shame aggravation irritation disturbance dissatisfaction anxiety nervous worried concerned uneasy apprehensive despair restless fretful fearful confusion uncertainty thrill anticipation inspired encouraged enthused stimulated stirred moved joy delight happiness thrill anger annoyance irritation fury rage overreacting exaggerate dramatize be melodramatic over the top bewilderment perplexity puzzlement pleasure enjoyment bliss frustration react excessively annoyance gloominess enthusiasm motivated….

1.06pm – if u cant tell i am hormonal, at work, busy, & MY OVARIES HURT! Bloody hell! And still the rest of the day to survive…

5.23pm – i survived, i made it through the day!  Unfortunately my BF of 20yrs is no longer talking to me, and doesnt understand that the emotions i felt today, and the reactions that occurred were somewhat out of my control.  I wish i could say that i have learnt something, and i wish that i could say that i will never ever overreact again, but chances are i will.  There are still many more hormones to be pumped into my body over the next three weeks, and still many more emotions that i will feel 100 times more powerfully then i expect.  I feel that i cannot live in regret, what happened today happened, they way i acted may have seemed inexcusable, and i am truly sorry for hurting someone i love, but in the end i shouldn’t have to be anyone but myself  i can’t help it, i am who i am. I’ve done nothing recently but bare my soul and be honest about who and what i am. If the truth that comes in the way of hormone enhanced emotions cannot be handled, then so be it.  I tired, and i think i failed, but

“The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall.” Vince Lombardi

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Day Nine of 100 – Frustrated

October 1, 2009 0 Comments

Day seven of IVF cycle – 150 iu’s FSH PLUS Orgalutran injection (PS tomorrow is my first scan, @ 10am)

Ahhh i am so frustrated! My day has been so busy and hectic and all i want to do is upload a video and it is taking for ages and i feel like i am going to pop!

I am mega busy at work, mega busy when i get home, mega busy on the weekends, where has my year gone, where is my life going? in 17 days i will be 27 and im STILL NOT PREGNANT! POO TO THE WHOLE WORLD!

I am not sad today, not inspirational, not insightful, nothing, just frustrated!  I am sitting here trying to be creative and trying to come up with things to write about that will be informative to other IVF patients, but i just cant…

When your on these hormones it is like everything is doubled, tripeled, just f**k**g multiplied to a bajillion, i feel like i’ve had about a thousand cups of coffee and i just have the irrits to the extreme…. ekkk i am so mad.

I know it is the hormones because i was calm this time last week, and there is no need for me to be so strung, its only a diary entry, and who cares if its not perfect, its my thoughts and feelings and the whole idea of it was to release my feelings so here you go…

warningWARNING:- EMOTIONAL RELEASE..

HUMPH BLOODY HELL HUMPH ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG………..EKKKKKKK RRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHH HUMPH BLOODY HELL HUMPH ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG………..EKKKKKKK RRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AND POOP AGAIN TO iVF PUNCHING BAGPCOS!

PS – No quote today, too bloody mad for a quote…

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Day Four of 100 – Just a little more intense (part one)

September 26, 2009 0 Comments

Day two of IVF cycle – 150 iu’s FSH

Today is a great day! Although i began my morning with a tear, there was no need for the tear, and it honestly was only one tear, might be the hormones? Do they work that fast? Even though i have been through this before it still seems new, it seems that once again i am saying that the past few months have been somewhat of a “haze” and maybe that is the hormones again.  Now that i think about it a lot of people have said that i have changed this year, it makes me wonder how much, and for the better or for the worse.  It is one of those questions that you don’t dare ask because of the fear of the answer.  Has this made me a stronger person, or has this just made me a sooky sooky lala and a b-i-t-c-h?

I figure if i have changed for the worse, or maybe just changed, i have the right, i mean for the past 7 months i have pumped my body full of this hormone and that hormone, if its not FSH its estrogen, or progesterone, or some other drug… So BLAH to all of you who said i have changed – when was the last time you had to give yourself a needle?

August 7th was day one of my first IVF cycle, i started with the synadrell nose spray (BTW it tastes like crap) to stop me ovulating, then began on 150 iu’s (international units) of FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) to grow my little follicles.

Day 8 was my first scan, where the doctor counted around 10 follicles on my right ovary, and i think there were just a few less on my left.  Now for those of you who have never had your follicles stimulated, let me just tell you, and i imagine it is different for every IVF patient, just let me tell you – it is no picnic – not only are you bloated to all buggery, my gosh it feels like two burning balls of fire on each side!

My dosage of FSH was reduced to 125 iu’s for day 9 & 10, then i was scanned again on day 11, where the doctor counted around 16 follicles on my right ovary, cant remember about my left.  But it was time, i was booked in for the egg pick up on day 13.  The pain got more and more intense, and to make matters even worse we were told that my husband needed to – as the doctor put it – “off load” now im not sure about you, but the last thing i wanted to do while i was bloated and hurting was have sex…

Day 13 egg pick up, scheduled for 11.30 am, which means that 36 hours before i had to wake myself up and give myself yet another needle, only this time, i had to play nurse and mix the trigger injection myself, which wasn’t easy at 11.30 at night! But through my sleep crusted eyes, of course, i managed. (lucky they give you step by step instructions)

So day 13, from 5.30am i was on nil by mouth, my wonderful husband sat down that morning and ate a full breakfast in front of me.  This didn’t really bother me until the nurse’s at the clinic mentioned that most other husbands starve in sympathy! Oh well i still love him.  So the egg pick up came, and after a long recovery session (about 2 hours) and being told that i had “blood pressure to die for” we were back in with the nurses, telling us that they collected 8 eggs, which was a good number.  I was quite shocked, because i thought that the 16 follicles would mean that many eggs, but i soon learnt that it is not about quantity is is about quality (a bit like men really).  So the instructions from that point were to rest and tomorrow the scientist would call and advise us how many eggs fertilized – least they weren’t calling to tell me how many eggs they ate for breakfast.

Day 14, the scientist calls, now if there is one thing about scientists, i think they need to be more personable, i remember at the time being quite offended that they presented me the information in such a clinical way, dont they understand this is peoples emotions they are playing with? The way it was put to me was that “only five fertilized” and they would call me “if we didn’t make it to transfer” WHA? HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE! I might not get to transfer day? NOOOONE told me T-H-A-T! So after the phone conversation, i was worried, and for the next four days i was a little bit on edge thinking that i “may not make it to transfer” BUGGER!

Day 18… We made it to embryo transfer -wohooo!

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