I have lost hope, and i have lost my spirit, all i constantly think, is i cant take this anymore, i dont understand the pain, and i dont understand why so many people have to go through this and worse, and i hate the fact that going through this has made me bitter, that it has changed me, that i have lost my carefree spirit, i hate all those things and much much more...

I have to have faith i keep telling myself, i have to believe in miracles, i have to believe i will be ok...  That for some stupid reason there is purpose to my pain...

But when will i be ok? When does it stop hurting?  When and how does my mind turn from i hate this, to i believe, from i cant focus on anything else, to i have complete faith?

When will i stop crying myself to sleep?

I want to have faith, but it hurts

I want to be ok, but im not

I want to believe, but all i see is suffering

I need a miracle

I need to see something that will once more make me believe that there is something wonderful out there, a reason, a purpose, something for me to have hope for, something for me to live for.

I need a miracle

I know deep down i want nothing more than to have complete and utter faith...  Faith that i will get over this, faith that my life will go on for the next six months without me questioning my decisions, faith that my relationship will be ok, faith that i will be ok, faith that i will find hope again, faith that my lost spirit will come back to me, faith that i will one day look at myself and like who i see, faith that there are options, and more than anything i want faith that i will one day feel my own child growing inside of me...

But its so hard, it is just so hard...

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and Hope. Jeremiah 29:11

I just want this over.  I want my final cry and i want to get on with my life.  I dont care anymore.  No matter how much i pray, no matter how much i scream, no matter how much i wish, and no matter how much i cry out to the Lord for a miracle, no matter how much i chase this... It only hurts more.

I want to say that i am angry, i want to hate this world and what it puts us through, i want to blame someone, i want to punch something, and most of all i want to hate God - but i cant... I just cant because i am over it, i am honestly just over it, i dont want to do this anymore - I WANT OUT!

Dont get me wrong... I want a child more than anything else on this earth, but more than that, i want to be whole.  I want my life back, i want to wake up in the morning and have hope, i want to wake up to a schedule, i want to wake up and be proud of myself and what i have achieved, i want nothing more on this earth than to be happy, and this not knowing, this limbo land, this maybe maybe not... It makes me say over and over and over again I WANT OUT!

I want to run away my pain, i want to wake up and think, ok this is the plan, this is who i am and what i am going to achieve this year.. but i cant because i am stuck, i am stuck in limbo land waiting the worst wait of my life.

To my dearest little miracle,

Are you there? Your mother and father need to know what is happening, as much as we love you, we cant do this anymore.  We are hurting from places even deeper than the places we never thought we could hurt, and we need to grieve, but we cant because there are no definite answers. I need to know, we need to know where you are, if you are there?

My little one, we still love you, and still hope for this miracle, i pray for this miracle to be a true miracle, where the unexpected and unexplained happens...

My Dearest little miracle if you are still there be strong and show yourself... Show yourself in all your beauty...

Love from a mother that may never be.

Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow. Dorothy Thompson

To my dearest little miracle,

I dont want to write these words for fear of hurting the people i love most of all in this world, but these words are honest and true, they need to be written, they need to be told if i am to stay sincere to myself.

I cant do this anymore, the pain is to much to bear.  I thought i could go on but i cant, i need time to myself for a while.  Part of me believes that my miracle, that you, are going to come to me naturally when i am not trying so hard to find you.  The other part of me is dying inside.

Your father says its not over yet, and maybe its not, maybe i am giving up to early, maybe i am scared to hope, scared to believe there is a chance.  But this pain, this pain i am in doesnt feel right for a little miracle.

I love you, i really do, but right now, at this point i need to be selfish and claim my life back.  I need to stop this pain, both physical and mental.  I need to find out who i am, be whole once more, stop worrying every second of the day, stop having false hope, stop convincing myself there is a chance when there is not. Just stop.  Stop and breath. Just breath.

They always say "when you least expect it" maybe i have to let go, and maybe in letting go i will find you.  I dont know, and that really scares me, but i have to put my fear aside, i just have to.

No matter how much time i take for myself, i promise i will come back for you my little miracle, i promise you that i will never give up on you, have faith in myself and my dreams, and i promise that you will always be somewhere in my heart, not too far from my mind.

Love always from a mother that may never be.

If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again. Flavia Weedn

I hope this post is not taken the wrong way  - but i am a little frustrated, and mostly with myself.

I am feeling fat.  Under normal circumstances i would go for a run, a fast, long and hard run.  But i can not, and for good reasons - and i dont mind that fact, but it doesnt change the fact that i feel fat.

Last year i was so disciplined with myself, i wouldnt eat anything unhealthy, no chocolate, no lollies, no carbs - i was awesome!

But this year slowly as the infertility issues got worse and with each hopeful proceedure, i began eating more and working out a little less as hard.  i had the excuse of - ill be pregnant so it wont matter.

Now a year later. and i think i am about 5kg heavier, and right now, at this second,  am just feeling fat.

I have once again, like many other, and like i have in the past, fallen victim to "emotional eating"

I have infact just finished two plates of apple crumble and ice cream.

I look at myself sometimes and think "what have i done?"

Why cant i just stop myself from eating? Why am i victim to these eating habits again? Why does food make me feel so good?

And if i cant stop myself now, how will i control it when i am pregnant and after i have my child...

i plan to go for a walk when it cools down this afternoon - but it is not enough.  Why did i do that? eat two serves of apple crumble?

And why do i care so much?

I am not disgustingly unhealthy - most of the time i eat wholemeal and soy... It really just is the weekend...

I really wish that i could get rid of my 'appearance issues' .. they will have to go quickly when i begin to grow a belly...

Oh i dont know, i really really dont know anymore, i know i am just silly, i know that i am being stupid, but honestly i do sometimes look at myself and wish that it wasnt a struggle for me.

What should i do? How do i approach my body fears? And how can i get over my emotional eating habits, before i loath myself?

What would you do?

“How things look on the outside of us depends on how things are on the inside of us.” Anon

Day four of IVF cycle

Have you ever run until you cannot breath? Have you ever run down a hill with your arms spread out and your eyes closed tight?  Have you ever run so fast for so long that it hurts, run so fast that you cant see the path in front of you, run so fast that all you can think of is your next breath in, your next breath out, you cant continue because there is no air but you cant stop because you haven't got to the end of the road?

Have you ever watched a sad movie or a tv show that just sucks you in and then spits you out, but in the interim has completely involved you to the point that their pain is your pain, their tears are your tears, taken you from your sad reality into their even more upturned reality, only to send you back to a reality which still hurts, but seems silly for hurting?

Have you ever listened to a song over and over and over, screaming the words at the top of your lungs making each meaning your meaning...

Have you ever just broken down in tears, screamed in pain, felt the hurt deep from the bottom of your gut, felt like you cant go on, felt like there are no more tears to give, no more of you to give, like you just cant do this anymore?

I have.

Twice.

But i am still here. I am still here.

And somehow, somewhere deep inside, deeper than the hurt, i found enough hope to continue.

I am here. I dont know why, and i dont know how, but i am here...

Thank the Lord i am still here.

"I haven’t been to the ends of the earth and faced death – but I have felt pain.  I haven’t climbed the highest mountain or been to the moon – but I have felt happiness.  No matter the challenge, no matter the triumph so long as you have found some HOPE there is a future."