To my dearest little miracle,

I thought that day 100 would bring me answers, i thought that i would begin the new year knowing just where i stood, and what my plan for 2010 would bring me.  I thought that day 100 would bring me a solid answer to end my journey.

But like many other days on this topsy turvy journey, i say – i was wrong.

There are no answers just yet, not today, not tomorrow, and not even the day after that, just waiting, hoping, praying, believing that you are inside of me growing.

Last night i cried, i cried for you my little miracle and i cried for me.  I cried because i dont know how to live without chasing you, and i cried because i am not sure if this is the end or if this is the beginning…

I cried to God and i asked out loud for peace and happiness, i asked why i cant stop thinking about you, and i asked why day 100 couldnt have brought me the answers i so desperately desired…

As i lay there crying, i turned to your father, i asked him why i couldnt just turn the switch off, why i couldnt go back to being who i was before i was chasing you, why there are never solid answers, and why even in a positive situation, there is still so much turmoil and heartache.  Your father turned to me and said the most sincere thing i have ever heard him say, he told me that God had turned the switch on, and right now, at this point in time, God wanted that switch to stay on.

Your father then rolled over, and in the dead of the night said to me, this is not the end, this is the start of a new journey, its is not over, it is just a new beginning, a new day, a new year, and a new story to be told…

So my little miracle, this is not the end, this is the beginning, and tomorrow marks day one of the rest of my journey Chasing a Miracle, searching for you, hoping and believing that you are in me growing, gaining strength, just waiting to meet us.

Never forget my child, that i will forever chase you, as you will always be in my heart. If i never get the chance to meet you, i promise i will never forget the journey, nor the people i have meet along the way.  And as i have said many times before, know that your father and i love you more than anything on this earth and no matter what happened, no matter what challenges were thrown our way, we faced this journey chasing a miracle searching for you.

Love from a mother that may never be.

What we call the end is also the begining.  The end is where we start from. TS Elliot

I believe in many things, and i am and have always been a ponderer.  I have this habit of thinking back, and saying to myself, what was i doing this time last week, or last month or last year? I am also a little bit of a believer in fate, you know the old saying “what is meant to be will be”… Things happen for a reason.

And no, today i am not talking about infertility and the reason behind it – i think that one will always remain a mystery.

I am talking about my husband.

He is my soul mate, and fate brought us together.

It sounds really sopy but honestly, there were so many variables that may not have lead to me meeting and eventually marrying him.

December 1999 a fax was sent to our home office.  My father received the fax, and as anyone would do, he read it.  It was not intended for him, it was a wrong number.  My father being the man that he was, rang the senders, and again being the chatty man that he is, began a long conversation with the stranger on the other end of the phone.  I was eavesdropping at the time.  It seemed that the person on the other end of the phone was a recruitment agency, my father was chatting up this lady, attempting to get me a job!

The next thing i can remember was heading into the city, presuming i was going to an interview at a new restaurant, i was so nervous!  I turned up on time, walked into this newly renovated casual restaurant to find about 15 other young people toward the back, i walked over to the group.  My only recollection from there was being thrown an apron and told what my roster was…. I was so confused, i already had the job? Didnt even have an interview!

So after working at this restaurant for about 3 months i began to emerge from my shell, and begun making some great friends… Especially with a few of the young and handsome apprentice chefs.  I had a particularly HUGE crush on one of the pizza chefs… I told my best friend of the time about the pizza guy, and every second i was talking and dreaming about him.

Also at the time i had made friends with one of the other young apprentice chefs, and played silly mobile phone ‘prank calls’ game with him (This is where we used to see how many times we could ‘prank’ the other person, how many registered missed calls came up on the screen – the winner was the person who could get as many before the person cleared their screen, a little hard to explain, but a stupid teenage game that kept us up till all hours of the night)

Anyway one day i left my phone at my best friends house, and unbeknown to me she stole the number of my young apprentice chef friend, and stored it in my phone.

One night, a little while after that i finished up my shift at the restaurant, grabbed my bag to find 100 missed calls on my phone! Guess who it was, that bloody apprentice chef… So of course i called him back…

The conversation that followed, from what i remember was very awkward, but as fate had it, with out that phone conversation i wouldnt be where i am today.

The conversation began with “a little birdy told me, you liked me…” HUGH? I didnt say it out loud, but i didnt like him! NOOO! i was still head over heals for the pizza boy, but i knew he would never ask me out… sooo… i just went with it.. I sort of mumbled.. “what little birdy?” and then said yes, to “going out”

So who told the apprentice chef i liked him? My best friend.  She went through my phone and thought that when i was talking about the ‘pizza boy’ i was talking about the apprentice chef, she thought i was madly in love with the apprentice chef… AND SHE TOLD HIM!  What a mix up!

9 years later i am head over heals, madly in love with the apprentice chef.

And i often ponder back and think… If that fax hadnt been sent to the wrong number i may never have meet my apprentice chef.

“FATE: something that unavoidably befalls a person; that of which is inevitably predetermined”