Day Thirteen of 100 – The top ten emotions you should most watch out for while on IVF hormones

October 5, 2009 1 Comment

Drollercoasteray eleven of IVF cycle - THE BIGGEST ROLLER COASTER RIDE YET!

125 iu’s FSH, Orgalutran injection PLUS Overdril (trigger injection), three needles tonight, feeling tired bloated, sick, at the limits of my pain threshold, emotions running wild…  but thats it, after 8.30pm tonight, no more needles!  Yip, yip, yippie!  Egg pickup only 36 hours away… quality not quantity nurse rachael says… we want quality… and i am praying for good little googy eggs…

So today was a BAD day, i was sick, sore, extraordinarily busy and very very hormonal… and in my frazzled state of mind i may have accidentally overreacted, so in honor of a twenty year friendship down the tube due to hormones i have decided to pass on what i have discovered today for all to  learn from…

The top ten emotions that will sneak up on you at any given moment, while you are on an IVF cycle are:

  1. Depression: despair, sadness, misery, hopelessness, gloominess, melancholy, dejection, unhappiness…
  2. Regret: feel sorry, disappointment, apologetic, repentant, remorseful, shame…
  3. Frustration: aggravation, irritation, disturbance, annoyance, dissatisfaction…
  4. Anxiety: nervous, worried, concerned, uneasy, apprehensive, restless, fretful, fearful…
  5. Confusion: bewilderment, perplexity, puzzlement, uncertainty, misunderstanding…
  6. Excitement: enthusiasm, thrill, anticipation…
  7. Inspired: encouraged, motivated, enthused, stimulated, stirred, moved…
  8. Joy: delight, happiness, pleasure, enjoyment, bliss, elation, thrill…
  9. Anger: annoyance, irritation, fury, rage…
  10. Overreacting: exaggerate, dramatize, be melodramatic, over the top, react excessively…

While these emotion are not uncommon to anyone else on this planet, the difference between emotions, and IVF emotions are that they are not only felt 1,000,000 times more powerfully. They are ALL felt in a very short time frame, and all jumbled up intermingled with each other, eating your brain up, consuming every thought you have…

A prime example of this was demonstrated today.  The emotional roller coaster of me all began at 9.46am with an email, yes an email sent me mad today, and as the message went back and forth, and back and forth, and back again, well this is what transpired emotionally…

9.46am – Inspired

10.31am – Frustrated

10.46am – Angery

10.50am – At this point i think i overreacted

11.01am – Then came the regret

11.31am – Then AGAIN Frustrated

11.43am – And a little more regret

11.58am – Then Confusion

12.01pm – Joy, only given by the fact that it was lunch time)

12.28pm – Then back to the desk and it hits: Depression

1.03pm – Then the REAL feelings and emotions emerged…

1.04pm – misunderstanding excitement depression sadness misery hopelessness melancholy dejection unhappiness regret feel sorry elation disappointment  apologetic repentant remorseful shame aggravation irritation disturbance dissatisfaction anxiety nervous worried concerned uneasy apprehensive despair restless fretful fearful confusion uncertainty thrill anticipation inspired encouraged enthused stimulated stirred moved joy delight happiness thrill anger annoyance irritation fury rage overreacting exaggerate dramatize be melodramatic over the top bewilderment perplexity puzzlement pleasure enjoyment bliss frustration react excessively annoyance gloominess enthusiasm motivated….

1.06pm – if u cant tell i am hormonal, at work, busy, & MY OVARIES HURT! Bloody hell! And still the rest of the day to survive…

5.23pm – i survived, i made it through the day!  Unfortunately my BF of 20yrs is no longer talking to me, and doesnt understand that the emotions i felt today, and the reactions that occurred were somewhat out of my control.  I wish i could say that i have learnt something, and i wish that i could say that i will never ever overreact again, but chances are i will.  There are still many more hormones to be pumped into my body over the next three weeks, and still many more emotions that i will feel 100 times more powerfully then i expect.  I feel that i cannot live in regret, what happened today happened, they way i acted may have seemed inexcusable, and i am truly sorry for hurting someone i love, but in the end i shouldn’t have to be anyone but myself  i can’t help it, i am who i am. I’ve done nothing recently but bare my soul and be honest about who and what i am. If the truth that comes in the way of hormone enhanced emotions cannot be handled, then so be it.  I tired, and i think i failed, but

“The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall.” Vince Lombardi

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Day Ten of 100 – I am the Human pin cushion SEE me roar!

October 2, 2009 4 Comments

Day eight of IVF cycle – 125 iu’s FSH PLUS Orgalutran injection

Due to popular demand… or more like a fanbloodytabulous suggestion, tonight i videoed myself giving the two injections, so all can see the excitement that the first week of IVF brings!

An old classic “A picture is worth a thousand words” – How appropriate.

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Day Eight of 100 – I am a human pin cushion!

September 30, 2009 5 Comments

Day six of IVF cycle – 150 iu’s FSH PLUS Orgalutran injection

My husband has many nick names for me, the most recent of which is ‘my human pin cushion’…. With my cycle now in full swing i am becoming accustom to jabbing myself each night at 7pm.  I even have a reminder set in my phone!

When i first walked into the clinic the last thing on my mind was giving myself needles, i dont think i had any clue about that, i think i just assumed that it would be tablets…  until i fell pregnant, actually now that i think of it i didnt even expect the scans!

Even though i may be used to the idea of jabbing myself each night, my body isn’t and almost a week into my cycle and my belly now resembles somewhat of an artwork, with a few little purple bruises and some nice red prick marks… Combine that with the bloating and soreness and one certainly does not feel good about one’s appearance.  I have even canceled my weekend dinner for fear of not feeling up to it!

Not sure if i have mentioned it before but this is my second full IVF cycle, last time i was given the nose spray to stop ovulation, this time i am doing what the doc calls an antagonist cycle for fear of hyper stimulation, with this you get to give yourself two needles! Yes thats right folks, as of last night i am now giving myself two needles per night, and this is likely to continue until next Monday, so thats still 5 more nights of two needles.  See the thing with the second needle is that it is big and blunt and you cant just go in for the kill, you have to actually think about what you are doing…

Last night was a disaster!  I went in for the epipen jab, which is easy – except i was a little tired and forgot to twist the dose – for those of you who have never used an epipen, you have to twist on the needle point, then twist the other end so that you have the right dosage, then you pinch your tummy fat, and go in for the jab – which involves jabbing then pressing the button in to release the dose into your tummy… hmmm am i making sense? Believe me its not really that hard.. HOWEVER if your somewhat of a nob like me and forget to twist the dosage, you then have to pull the needle out, twist the dose, and re jab yourself….BOLOX

Soooooooooooo, after muffing up the first jab, i opened the Orgalutran injection, which was good because it is all pre done and there is no measuring or anything, it is just a matter of jabbing… HOWEVER the friggin thing is HUGE, i would even go as far as to say it is a larger needle than the overdril (thats the one you have to give to make you ovulate).  And i have been so used to the little epipen that it didnt go in the first time, i had to toughen up and press quite firmly to get it in my belly.

*sigh*

HUMPH

Well there is no getting around it, it really is quite amazing what you will do in life for the things that you want so badly.  So many people have told me that they could never do it, but i think if you had told me a year ago that i would have to give myself needles, i too would have said that i couldnt do it.  I surely have my eye on the target, and everything between me and my target is inconsequential… And plus, it gives me something that makes me feel better about myself – i can do what it takes, i can be the girl who overcomes her fears, takes the challenge, and is stronger than she ever imagined.

I AM THE HUMAN PIN CUSHION HEAR ME ROAR! And my phone is beeping at me to remind me to stab myself once more… Wish me luck with the Orgalutran injection :)

“Success is deciding from the start what end result you want and creating the circumstances to realise that result.”  Mark Victor Hansen

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