Sometimes i have to wonder where my inspiration went.

I used to wake up and want to be creative, i used to wake up with a thousand ideas running through my mind, not to be able to go back to sleep until the ideas were on paper... I used to be creative...

But since last year i am not... I have lost my inspiration.

Last year through all that i went though i lost the urge to paint and draw, i lost my inspiration, my creativity.

I thought it would come back, i thought that this year with all the hope i have, with everything turned out for the better, with my dreams slowly becoming reality, i thought my creativity and my inspiration would return.

But last night as i began my much anticipated paint class, i realised that everything i used to have is hidden, buried much deeper that i ever expected.

I gave it away, i gave something of myself away last year, and now as i sit here trying to find the inspiration i need, trying to find that part of me i used to love so much, trying to find what once gave me peace, i wonder why i let it go.  I wonder why i gave up something that i used to love so much?

What makes us dive so deep into a hole that we cant get out?

I need to find my inspiration, my creativity, i need to find my confidence, and i need to find the passion i once had for art.  My mind tells me the only way i can achieve that is to pull myself back to who i once was, forget what i lost, and focus on what i have.

I think only then will i find the creativity i once possessed, find the inspiration and confidence i so desperately desire...

It is better to create than to be learned, creating is the true essence of life. Barthold Georg Niebuh

Today i didnt break down, but i cried...

I cried for me, and i cried for you.

I cried because i know your pain, i cried because i understand, i cried because i want to help and i cant, i cried because i wished i could be there, i cried because i cant see you, but i can feel your pain...

So i say the only thing i can say, you will survive... Learn from my pain, learn from my story, and know that you will get by, you will survive.  You will find yourself again, it will be ok, there is hope, have faith.  When the world is screaming the impossible, scream back "nothing is impossible, with God, all is possible" and you will survive.

Trippin out
Spinning around
I'm underground
I fell down
Yeah I fell down

I'm freaking out, where am I now?
Upside down and I can't stop it now
Can't stop me now, oh oh

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry

I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet, on the ground
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I'll take a stand until the end

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, and I won't cry

When the storm clouds cover ever ounce of hope you have left, when you are in deeper than you have ever been before, when nothing makes sense, and everything is against you, remember these three things:

1. Courage - The quality of mind that enables a person to face difficulty without fear and with bravery.
2. Love - knowing that no matter how dark your cloud, no matter how heavy your heart, no matter what, love will get you though.  There is a man on the other side of the bed who will stick by you no matter what happens. And,
3. Hope - Nothing can be done without hope.  For I know then plans I have for you, says the Lord.  They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and hope.  Jeremiah 29:11

Faith is knowing that the the sun has risen even when the clouds cover every ray of light.

I have to admit, i thought that once i was pregnant i would have gotten over the whole googeling thing...  Or perhaps i knew i was going to Google, but i assumed it would be all bells and whistles, roses and blue skies...

But alas, i was once again wrong, so i am placing a formal compliant to the allusive Dr Google.

Dear Dr Google,

I would just like to begin this letter on a positive note by letting you know that your brothers Google, Google images, and Google Maps who are not doctors, often give me great assistance when needed, they are helpful and rarely negative, and always answer with only one key word.

However Dr Google, you on the other hand seem to like to inform me of nothing but negatives.  I asked you my success rates of IVF, and you spat out numerous articles all averaging less that my clinic percentage, didnt you understand i was looking for a 99% probability?

I asked you the symptoms of implantation, and BOY did you get that one wrong!  If i had had a better answer, maybe i would have had more hope earlier on...

I also asked you about the side effects of the drugs i was taking, did you tell me it would be ok, and everything i was experiencing was normal?  No No Dr Google, you told me that the side effects would only get worse, and you continually spat literature at me - that's not what i was looking for!

And most recently, Dr Google, I ask you about fetal development, and what do you tell me? You told me miscarriage rates and you told me about birth defects , that is right, as positively as you try to spin it, and no matter how hard you try to hide it from me, i still read it!

So Dr Google, this is a request not only from myself, but from my fellow TTC'ers and my fellow 1st trimester'ers... GET RID OF ANY NEGATIVITY!

We want nothing but positive data from now on, now i am not saying that you should lie, i am just saying that you should admit all the 'bad press'.  All that info that we 'really didnt need to know'.

So if you could do me a favour and in future simply just leave out all the negative answers and just really give me what i am looking for, that would be greatly apprecaited.

If you have any questions please do not hesitate to comment below.

Regards,

Chasing A Miracle.

PS - Why am i still not at the top of your search? Nobody really cares about the sixty minutes story in 2007...

People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong. Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom? Thich Nhat Hanh

BARHUMBUG!

That is what i am saying to valentines day.

Maybe it is because the love of my life is not a romantic, maybe it is because i have never 'truely' recieved a valentine, or maybe it is because i believe that love isnt about a commercialised day.

Love is about every minute of every day, of every year you are together.

I have learned over the past ten years that love is not about choclates or flowers, or about the 'stuff' you get for christmas an birthdays... Love is about the hugs at the end of a bad day, love is about telling someone that it will be okay, even when you know it wont, and love is about respecting the person you are with, and loveing them even though sometimes you really just want to hate them.

I have learned over the past year that the one you love can hurt you in ways you never thought possible to forgive, and i have leaned that forgiveness for the unforgivable is what love and marriage is truly about.  Over the past year i have learned more about myself and my love for my husband, and vice versa, then i ever thought possible.  And i know that no matter the challenges this world throws at us, we will get through it, no matter what we go through, no matter how hard our journey becomes, we will always have each other, each and every minute of every trying day.

Love is not a day, love is in a lifetime.  Love is not in a gift or a card, love is in the words you speak, and in the things you do.  True love is not a day, it is a lifetime.

I have to admit that i have been a little uninspired lately, and i am feeling that my lil ol blog is lacking in a little laughter, and fun...

You see, i must tell you that blogging every day has become quite the challenge, not that i am not up for the challenge, and i tell you i will be persevering and continuing on, but at the moment, you must understand, i am just so exhausted.

Have you ever felt so tired after a very long day, gone to bed and woke up and still felt as tired?  Add in a little 'car sickness' and you have my not so me mind at the moment...

Pure exhaustion, it'll do funny things to you, and make you do funny things in return

I am told that this will pass and in a few weeks i will be right as rein, back to bubbly lil ol me....

But until then...

And please keep reading, as i chase my little miracle....

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. Mahatma Gandhi

Have you every just felt so tired that nothing makes sense and everything is just goes into the 'to hard basket'?

That is me...

Too hard today... It is all too hard...

I was feeling upset because no one understood, i was feeling misunderstood, and like everyone was against me, like no one could possibly get what i went through or why the decisions i was trying to make were so hard for me to make.  I felt like everyone was being so hypocritical...

But then i realized how tired i was, and that pressuring myself to make a decision RIGHT now was not helping me or George...  i decided that i just needed time for myself to think it through, to decide what i really want, to be more informed in my decision...

So today, i leave it there...

Love is what makes you smile when you're tired. Anon

Okay so maybe not each day a new miracle, but each week.

Today i had my 5th scan of my pregnancy, and it never ever ceases, and i dont think it will ever cease to amaze me, just how a life grows, or just how quickly a life grows... I wish i could show you the images we have, but the clarity isnt enough, and the images just arnt enough to describe the amazement, the awe, and the feeling that the actual visual on the ultrasound gives me, just to see something go from nothing, to a void, to a void with a dot, to a void with a wriggling line (fetal pole) to todays vision.  A 0.92cm blob, with a beat, in a void, with a yolk...

I know i have said this before, and i know i should have faith no matter what, but each time i see my little miracle my faith is renewed... It just amazes me that a little life grows so fast, that i have finally got a life inside of me, that there is a part of me and my wonderful husband inside, just waiting to meet us...

I know it is easy for me to say, but miracles are real, miracles do happen every day.  Miracles dont have to be out of the ordinary, they just have to be extraordinary.  They just have to make you believe in something bigger than you or me, they have to make you believe in your heart that God is real, and they have to make you see that hope is worth holding onto...

I thought hope was lost, i thought i would give up, i thought that it wasnt meant to be...  But it was, there was a plan, and while i will never forget the pain i went through for this, it was all worth it and i wouldnt change it for the earth.

I have never felt this much joy in my life before, and i see the happiness in my husbands eyes and know he feels the same...

Praise the Lord for a miracle!

Fear can keep us up all night long, but faith makes one fine pillow. Anon

I have been debating whether or not to write this or not, for fear of making my worst nightmares real, but this blog is me - the real me, inside and out, so i am not going to lie, or dismiss something that i am feeling.  And I am not sure who my audience is now, who is reading my blog, and i apologize if i offend anyone out there, but i am going to continue writing in the only way i know how... By telling the truth about me.

You know when you have news, really really GREAT news, people are so very excited for you, over the moon, so much so that it brings a tear to their eye?  But then, they care so much for you, they try to reassure you that it is going to be ok, even when you never thought it wouldnt?

I have gotten twice now "As long as you make it through the first 12 weeks"

They care, i know they do, they are just being real... and i wont lie, i am scared, i have my fears, but in the end i have to be positive, i have to rebuke my fears and doubts and just believe. I must to have faith, i do have faith...

But this is all so new to me, so exciting, so life defining, everything i ever imagined, how could i not pinch myself, do a double take, want to make sure this is real, and that it is not in my head, and make sure that it will never end?

Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible. Mary McLeod Bethune

To my dearest little miracle,

I never imagined that something so small could bring me so much joy.  I never imagined i would feel so much love so early on... But you have, and i do...

For a long time i wasnt allowed to believe you were mine, for so long i was told to proceed with caution, but i have to believe this is it, i have to believe you are in there, your heart beating stronger and stronger each minute, and i believe with all my heart and soul that my little miracle, you will be with me and your father in the spring of 2010.

I may be told to proceed with caution, but i have waited for so long for this moment, for this dream to become reality, i want to cherish every moment of it... And because you fill my heart with a joy i never imagined possible, because i love you so dearly more and more each day, because i believe that you are my miracle, i pray.

I pray each and every day for you, and i will pray for you each day until i hold you in my arms, and even then i wont stop praying for you.  I want you to know that you are a miracle, and i want you to believe that no matter how much science can explain your existence, i believe with every ounce of my being, that you are a miracle, sent to me from the Lord above...

Love from a mother that will be...

For those who have love there are always miracles

To my dearest little miracle,

I chased you, i sought you, and now i see you... One week ago i saw a void, i saw a miracle begin...  Today i witnessed yet another miracle, today i saw your little heart beat, i saw a life inside of me that is no bigger than a few millimeters... My little miracle, today i got to celebrate your life, today i finally got the confirmation that you were alive, that you were really there, that you my little miracle will one day soon be in my arms...

Happiness overcame me, tears flowed down my cheeks as i saw this tiny little life inside of me move... I have never experienced anything as amazing as i did today, i have never felt so overwhelmed with the knowledge that there is a God and he is listening...

My miracle there is nothing more that can express to you my deepest emotions...

Love from a mother that will be

You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen. Paulo Coelho

I am lost for words tonight, i thought that i knew how i felt, i thought i was scared about tomorrow, i thought i knew who i was and what i thought, and then i received an honest opinion...

I realized that this is what i really needed tonight. Something that made me look at my inner most thoughts, my worries, my pain, what i have wanted, and the way i have looked at myself...

Someone to guide me, to let me know that things are ok - but to just take another look.  I realized that everything that i was told was true, that sometimes i fear the worst for unjust reasons, that sometimes i look at myself with an eye of hate, and that sometimes when i doubt what i have, i give reason to let the devil in.

And i think that today, that has been the best gift...

Learning that through my words, i can receive advice.  Learning that i can be healed if i just ask, learning that i am not alone, and that there are wonderful people out there just waiting to help me, to guide me, and to strengthen my faith...

To accept good advice is but to increase one's own ability. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Today i pray, because while i have complete faith that what is meant to be will be, i am scared... I have no idea how i will face the next few days, i have to be positive, but i am still scared to let myself hope for fear of devastation.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for giving George the chance she has had, thank you for giving her the strength to grow each day, and each day showing me a new miracle.

I pray now that you continue to give George the strength to keep growing, i pray that you give our embryo a heart, the most beautiful heart that will grow to love you and your word.  I pray that Georges heart, the heart you give life to this week, grows stronger and stronger by the day and by the minute...

I pray that this miracle of ours proves that you are real, proves living each day by faith and trusting in you brings miracles, proves that we all can trust in the power of prayer...

Lord, as i do each day, i pray for all the ladies out there who have suffered or are suffering in a story similar to mine, i pray that you give them courage they need to continue, and most importantly peace within, and the ability to find happiness.

I also pray for the women out there who dont understand what it is like to appreciate life, nor see the miracle in each life that you give, i pray that somehow they find compassion and understanding as well as the ability to appreciate what you have blessed them with...

Lord, thank you for all you have blessed me with, and i ask once more that you be with George and give her all the strength that she needs...

In Jesus Name i Pray

Amen...

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 NKJV

To my dearest little miracle,

Today i dare to hope, i dare to believe, i dare to have the faith i should always have had.

My little miracle, i tell you no lies, i am scared like i have never been scared before.   I want you more than anything on this earth, and today, today i dared to believe that i would have you, that i could have you, that you are really there inside of me growing into the perfect child i know you will be.

Today i imagined that a year from now i would be cherishing a moment with you, i dreamed that my miracle was real, and i shouted it to the world, i dared to hope that my miracle, you would be in my arms by my third wedding anniversary...

Today i put on paper the day, day 44 in my quest for you, day 44 of hope, day 44 of the most confusing roller coaster ride i have ever experienced... But if it means day 44 in the beginning of your life, i dont care, i wont leave this roller coaster ride until i have you safely in my arms...

My miracle once more i hold on to the quote, "when the world shouts 'give up'... Hope whispers 'one more time'"... You are my one more time, you are my miracle, you make me believe that all things are possible, and that love holds no boundaries... You are my hope... And i will always love you...

Love from a mother that may never be.

Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep believing, the dream that you wish will come true. Anon

There comes a point i think when one just must go on... Decide that whatever will be will be, because in the end there is nothing you can do, no way that you can change things, nothing that you can do to physicality change the outcome...

I know that if the outcome of this waiting, of this limbo land, is negative, i will be devistated, there is nothing i can do for myself to change that.  But in saying that, i can act now to help myself pick myself up again.  And that is what i am doing.

I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

Yesterday and last night my boobs stoped hurting,and my husband even commented that they had shrunk, and i know in reality this means that the HCG hormone levels must have dropped.  I want to hope and i want to believe that this may still be my miracle, and after yesterday i will never stop believing in miracles, and i will try my hardest not to doubt Gods plan, but i am a realist, and i am not naive, i know that on monday my blood work will have confirmed the enevadible.

It is funny because last week, all i wanted was for my levels to drop and this to be over... I prayed that my boobs would stop hurting and that i could just go back to normaility...  But after i saw that ultrasound, after i saw just an ounce of hope, it was like my world changed, and i wanted the levels to stay, i wanted my boobs to hurt....

On thursday i said i needed a miracle to go on, i saw one on friday, and today on saturday even though the outcome looks bleak, because i got the miracle i asked for, i know in my heart that it will be okay, and that the future is what it is and i cant change it, i just have to find enough faith and courage inside of me, and know that i will be ok, and one day, one day, i will hold my miracle, and know that it truly was a miracle...

We can only appreciate the miracle of a sunrise if we have waited in the darkness