IUI

Day 191 – One year…

April 1, 2010 0 Comments

Seventeen Weeks, Two Days. Day 122 in the quest to chase our little miracle

One year ago today, was the first time i imagined my miracle becoming a reality.

One year ago today was the first time i was allowed to dream, allowed to hope, and allowed to pray for a miracle.

One year ago today, was the first time the doctors told me there was a chance.

April 1, 2009 was the first time i sat in the doctors chair with my heart racing, expecting the best news in just two short weeks.

April 1, 2009 was my first IUI.

I look back now, and think to myself how naive i was, how much false expectation i had, and just how much pain that caused me two short weeks later.

Yet i went on. Easter came and past, i cried like i had never cried before, and i went on.

I went on through the pain, i went on to hope, and i went on to pray for my miracle.

One year ago today, was the true begninging of this journey.

One year ago today i didnt know half of who i was, i didnt know half of who i was to become, and i didnt know half of the journey i was about to embark on.

But i sit here today and i wonder to myself, if i knew the journey i was to face, the pain i was to endure, would i be here now, or would i be in an alternate universe?

And i sit here and wonder what one year from now i will be writing, one year from now i will be thinking, what one year from now i will be hoping and praying for.

One year. Such a short time, yet such a long journey in life.

Success is not in your possessions, it is the things you hope for and the things you do to make dreams become reality, and to make the people you love smile.

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: emotions, IUI, IVF, journey, miracle

Day 167 – I'll get by, I'll survive…

March 8, 2010 0 Comments

Thirteen weeks, six days. Day 99 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Today i didnt break down, but i cried…

I cried for me, and i cried for you.

I cried because i know your pain, i cried because i understand, i cried because i want to help and i cant, i cried because i wished i could be there, i cried because i cant see you, but i can feel your pain…

So i say the only thing i can say, you will survive… Learn from my pain, learn from my story, and know that you will get by, you will survive. You will find yourself again, it will be ok, there is hope, have faith. When the world is screaming the impossible, scream back “nothing is impossible, with God, all is possible” and you will survive.

Trippin out
Spinning around
I’m underground
I fell down
Yeah I fell down

I’m freaking out, where am I now?
Upside down and I can’t stop it now
Can’t stop me now, oh oh

I, I’ll get by
I, I’ll survive
When the world’s crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don’t you try to stop me
I, I won’t cry

I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet, on the ground
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I’ll take a stand until the end

I, I’ll get by
I, I’ll survive
When the world’s crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don’t you try to stop me
I, I won’t cry

I, I’ll get by
I, I’ll survive
When the world’s crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don’t you try to stop me
I, and I won’t cry

Filed Under: The Final Cycle, Video's Tagged With: angry, answers, Beliefs, Frustrated, God, hope, inspiration, IUI, IVF

Day Ninety Eight of 100 – I have forgotten…

December 29, 2009 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Three

How can i say it is over?

How can i say that i am am giving up?

How can i say that this is it?

I dont know. But i know in my heart that i cant do this anymore. Yesterday three words came out of my husbands mouth that i never expected him to say. “i am over it” and when he said those words all i could think was, so am i, so am i.

I want a child more than words will ever say, i want to be a mother, and i want to experience what i may never experience, but after four failed IUI’s, after another four failed IVF rounds, my heart is broken, and i just cant take this pain anymore. I need time for myself because i have forgotten who i am, i have forgotten what i like, what it feels like to be carefree, and i have forgotten why i am alive, and what i am living for.

I have forgotten how to live without being so obsessed with TTC, IUI’s or IVF, i have forgotten what it is like not to worry or have false hope, and i have forgotten how to live without a plan.

I have forgotten how to have sex without worrying about if it is the right time, or if the sperm is good quality, i have forgotten what it is like to be spontaneous and not feel like i have to stick my legs up in the air, wait for 15 minutes, dont do this, do that, turn this was, or that way…

I have forgotten how much i love to exercise, to run, to just escape in a pool of sweat, making myself work so hard it hurts, spending an hour listening to MY favorite songs, i have forgotten how much i love having just one hour for myself in my own little world.

I have forgotten what it is to live a life without a plan, without watching every penny, without worrying what is happening next month or next week, i have forgotten how to just live, to say yes to a night out with the girls, or to say yes to a holiday in 4 months.

I have forgotten what it is like to say yes to a glass of wine with dinner, to say yes to the soft cheese, and to say yes to playing a game a football with the family.

I have forgotten what it is like to have spintaious, concern and thought free fun…

I HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO LIVE.

And in forgetting how to live, i have forgotten who i really am.

I keep wondering what i do now, i keep thinking i cannot give up, that i am weak for not going on. But i cant right now, i need to find me, i need to live a life.

For if i dont stop, if i dont find myself once more, i will lose everything i have, and every part of who i was, and who i am, and if i am not who i am – how can i possibly be a mother?

Life is what you make of it. Always has been, always will be. Grandma Moses

Filed Under: After IVF, Emotional, Limbo Land, The Final Cycle Tagged With: angry, answers, emotions, Fertility, Frustrated, God, IUI, IVF, journey, pain, questions

Day Thirty Two of 100 – Forget what the medical experts say… There is ALWAYS someone more qualified in fertility!

October 24, 2009 0 Comments

Day 3 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily

So your infertile… For me it came as a surprise, i had normal periods during high school, went on the pill at 17, then stopped taking the pill nearly 10 years later. I honestly thought i would get a period a month later. But nothing, nada, neinte, not even a spot, a cramp, or the slightest hint of anything premenstrual…

Suddenly, almost overnight, my husband and i were thrown into the world of infertility and everything it has the pleasure of offering. Almost as soon as we had decided to go ahead with the IUI’s and attempt to defeat my stubborn ovaries, almost everyone we had mentioned it to suddenly became experts, they suddenly became more educated in infertility then my doctor….

Family, friends, friends of family, long long lost uncle bert, suddenly had a friend of a friend, or a cousin’s sister’s mother’s best friend who also went through this, or is going through this, but they did it this way and that way, and you shouldn’t do this, you shouldn’t do that…

I had so many people ask me have you researched, have you thought about the costs, can you even afford a child, what if you just waited a year or so….

As we progressed along this year, it seems that every one in my life also progressed – they progressed from a diploma to a degree, to a masters degree in infertility! Now more hurtful comments came along, dont you think your just being impatient or never mind that it didnt work – there is always next month. My so called best friend (now ex best friend) said to on one occasion – i hope you dont fall pregnant this time, so we can fall pregnant together, or something along the lines of that, can you believe it!

Besides comments like you should eat this and that, excersise less, sleep more, stop doing this or that, or of my favorite of all comments which i have gotten on more than one occasion is – you just need to take a holiday and relax… NO NO I DON”T! Dont you people understand? Just going on a holiday wont make me pregnant! I AM INFERTILE – you have to actually ovulate if you want to fall pregnant, and I DONT OVULATE – get it through your thick heads, if you dont ovulate than no matter how much S-E-X you have, whether it be on holidays or at home, stressed or relaxed, upside down, doggy style, or upside down with your legs crossed… if you do not ovulate, than there is no egg for the sperm to get to, and thus no baby… HUMPH

Now this was all during the IUI’s… So you can imagine, and those of you who are also infertile – i know that you know what i am talking about, you can imagine the doctors that came out of nowhere when we decided to do the IVF, and not only the doctors this time, but the psyciatrists as well!

Dont get me wrong here, i have an AMAZING support network who i couldnt live without , most of my family and friends now understand, or try to understand what we are going through, but it is the other people, the ones who arnt close enough to understand, the ones you havent really told and that dont really know what is going on but assume to know, and assume to be the experts now…

They are the ones who now give me the hebe-jebies when they tell me to ‘take a break’ or see their friend who is unqualified but apparently ‘an expert’, or to just get over it and suddenly stop wanting children, or my ABSOLOUTE favorite:-

YOU JUST NEED TO STOP STRESSING…

You know what, maybe stopping stressing and just relaxing may help, maybe, but honestly – TELL ME HOW THE HELL TO DO THAT?

I was pondering the thought this morning of a holiday… But what if it doesnt work and i waste my holiday moping, what if i cant find a blood center and cant get my blood taken, what if it does work and i have wasted our money on a holiday, what about work, no i cant take time of work because i have taken to much time for doctors appointments… No, no holiday it is just not practical.

So once again i am back to where i started, not pregnant, not worried or stressed, and definatly not hopeless – we have a plan of attack, we have some money, but we are still being told to take a break, to give up, to talk to this person, to stand on our heads, to go on a holiday, and most frequently TO STOP STRESSING…

OKAY OKAY OKAY… We understand… the MAGIC stalk is coming tonight to leave our baby on our door step…

Alright already – i’m sorry, i get it, i really do get it, they LOVE us and that is why they tell us what to do. But please, let the doctor do her job, after all if you were a fetility expret i would be paying you the big bucks

“When dealing with people remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion” Dale Carnegie

Filed Under: FET, Humour Tagged With: angry, Fertility, FET, IUI, IVF, journey, period, pregnant

Day Four of 100 – Just a little more intense (part one)

September 26, 2009 0 Comments

Day two of IVF cycle – 150 iu’s FSH

Today is a great day! Although i began my morning with a tear, there was no need for the tear, and it honestly was only one tear, might be the hormones? Do they work that fast? Even though i have been through this before it still seems new, it seems that once again i am saying that the past few months have been somewhat of a “haze” and maybe that is the hormones again. Now that i think about it a lot of people have said that i have changed this year, it makes me wonder how much, and for the better or for the worse. It is one of those questions that you don’t dare ask because of the fear of the answer. Has this made me a stronger person, or has this just made me a sooky sooky lala and a b-i-t-c-h?

I figure if i have changed for the worse, or maybe just changed, i have the right, i mean for the past 7 months i have pumped my body full of this hormone and that hormone, if its not FSH its estrogen, or progesterone, or some other drug… So BLAH to all of you who said i have changed – when was the last time you had to give yourself a needle?

August 7th was day one of my first IVF cycle, i started with the synadrell nose spray (BTW it tastes like crap) to stop me ovulating, then began on 150 iu’s (international units) of FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) to grow my little follicles.

Day 8 was my first scan, where the doctor counted around 10 follicles on my right ovary, and i think there were just a few less on my left. Now for those of you who have never had your follicles stimulated, let me just tell you, and i imagine it is different for every IVF patient, just let me tell you – it is no picnic – not only are you bloated to all buggery, my gosh it feels like two burning balls of fire on each side!

My dosage of FSH was reduced to 125 iu’s for day 9 & 10, then i was scanned again on day 11, where the doctor counted around 16 follicles on my right ovary, cant remember about my left. But it was time, i was booked in for the egg pick up on day 13. The pain got more and more intense, and to make matters even worse we were told that my husband needed to – as the doctor put it – “off load” now im not sure about you, but the last thing i wanted to do while i was bloated and hurting was have sex…

Day 13 egg pick up, scheduled for 11.30 am, which means that 36 hours before i had to wake myself up and give myself yet another needle, only this time, i had to play nurse and mix the trigger injection myself, which wasn’t easy at 11.30 at night! But through my sleep crusted eyes, of course, i managed. (lucky they give you step by step instructions)

So day 13, from 5.30am i was on nil by mouth, my wonderful husband sat down that morning and ate a full breakfast in front of me. This didn’t really bother me until the nurse’s at the clinic mentioned that most other husbands starve in sympathy! Oh well i still love him. So the egg pick up came, and after a long recovery session (about 2 hours) and being told that i had “blood pressure to die for” we were back in with the nurses, telling us that they collected 8 eggs, which was a good number. I was quite shocked, because i thought that the 16 follicles would mean that many eggs, but i soon learnt that it is not about quantity is is about quality (a bit like men really). So the instructions from that point were to rest and tomorrow the scientist would call and advise us how many eggs fertilized – least they weren’t calling to tell me how many eggs they ate for breakfast.

Day 14, the scientist calls, now if there is one thing about scientists, i think they need to be more personable, i remember at the time being quite offended that they presented me the information in such a clinical way, dont they understand this is peoples emotions they are playing with? The way it was put to me was that “only five fertilized” and they would call me “if we didn’t make it to transfer” WHA? HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE! I might not get to transfer day? NOOOONE told me T-H-A-T! So after the phone conversation, i was worried, and for the next four days i was a little bit on edge thinking that i “may not make it to transfer” BUGGER!

Day 18… We made it to embryo transfer -wohooo!

Filed Under: Background, IVF Tagged With: answers, appointment, Embryo, Fertility, hormones, IUI, IVF

Day Three of 100 – Details details details…

September 25, 2009 0 Comments

Day One of IVF cycle – 150 iu’s of FSH

So today it starts, my first appointment was this afternoon, my second cycle begins… I am just so excited i could burst!

So with 97 days in the count, and my second cycle on its way, i finally give you some of the finer details of my story.

September / October 2008 – Stop taking contraception, no period.

December – January 2009/2009 – Hmm still no period, and many many many negative pregnancy tests

February 2009 – STILL no period, this is weird. GP appointment, internal scans, blood tests. Results of blood test came back with low FSH and LH levels, my GP then referred me to a gyno. I actually thought it was just going to be a gyno gyno, not a fertility clinic!

March 2009 – Imagine my surprise when i rocked up at the gyno and it was a fertility clinic!

March 2009 – Meet my fabulous and caring Dr J. (or so i reckon anyway!) Had a few scans, which basically confirmed that i had poly cystic ovareries, which to this date i still dont fully understand, all i know is that i dont ovulate. Dr J. suggested we use clomid, and go with IUI’s (intrauterine insemination) for the best possible outcome.

April 2009 – First IUI, first two week wait, lots and lots of praying. No pregnancy, but on the positive side, my first period in more than 6 months! And who gets pregnant the first month they try anyway?

May 2009 – Second IUI, second two week wait, i even believe i had a little bit of anxiety. But no pregnancy we continue on, but this time, the clomid didnt work, and i had used FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) injections to get me to the point of ovulation. So my third cycle begun with a double dose of the clomid.

June 2009 – The double dose of clomid didnt work, so back onto the FSH, because of the poly cystic ovaries and my resistance to the drugs, it was becoming harder and harder to stimulate just one to two follicles. But we got there and went for our third IUI. At this point the Dr had mentioned that we should think about IVF as this would give us a better outcome, we wern’t ready to go there and were still hoping against hope that the IUI’s would work. But it didn’t.

July 2009 – Got reffered to get my tubes tested, i forget the name of the test, but my tubes are fine, and the reffering doctor suggested that IUI’s were the best way to go. So we decided to give the IUI’s one more chance, again my body became more resilient to the hormones, and it took 20 days to stimulate the follicle, the Dr at this point told us that if it doesnt work we should really consider doing an IVF cycle, so we went to the IVF meeting with the clinic nurses.

August 2009 – Fourth IUI failed, no surprises there. So here we go, a fully stimulated IVF cycle….

“When I look back at where I’ve been, I see that what I am becoming is a whole lot further down the road from where I was.” Gloria Guithes

I can tell you that now that i have put it on paper, i am a whole lot further along the road from where i was, it has been hard, and i often ponder the thought that i went to see the doctor too soon, maybe i would have ovulated by my own, maybe maybe maybe. But then again, logic says that my ovaries are stuffed, and they need help. So here we are, tomorrow is another day, and another post, and for now i’m off and will continue my story then…