Day 203 – Where is my inspiration?

April 13, 2010 0 Comments

Nineteen Weeks. Day 134 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

Sometimes i have to wonder where my inspiration went.

I used to wake up and want to be creative, i used to wake up with a thousand ideas running through my mind, not to be able to go back to sleep until the ideas were on paper… I used to be creative…

But since last year i am not… I have lost my inspiration.

Last year through all that i went though i lost the urge to paint and draw, i lost my inspiration, my creativity.

I thought it would come back, i thought that this year with all the hope i have, with everything turned out for the better, with my dreams slowly becoming reality, i thought my creativity and my inspiration would return.

But last night as i began my much anticipated paint class, i realised that everything i used to have is hidden, buried much deeper that i ever expected.

I gave it away, i gave something of myself away last year, and now as i sit here trying to find the inspiration i need, trying to find that part of me i used to love so much, trying to find what once gave me peace, i wonder why i let it go.  I wonder why i gave up something that i used to love so much?

What makes us dive so deep into a hole that we cant get out?

I need to find my inspiration, my creativity, i need to find my confidence, and i need to find the passion i once had for art.  My mind tells me the only way i can achieve that is to pull myself back to who i once was, forget what i lost, and focus on what i have.

I think only then will i find the creativity i once possessed, find the inspiration and confidence i so desperately desire…

It is better to create than to be learned, creating is the true essence of life. Barthold Georg Niebuh

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Day 191 – One year…

April 1, 2010 0 Comments

Seventeen Weeks, Two Days. Day 122 in the quest to chase our little miracle

One year ago today, was the first time i imagined my miracle becoming a reality.

One year ago today was the first time i was allowed to dream, allowed to hope, and allowed to pray for a miracle.

One year ago today, was the first time the doctors told me there was a chance.

April 1, 2009 was the first time i sat in the doctors chair with my heart racing, expecting the best news in just two short weeks.

April 1, 2009 was my first IUI.

I look back now, and think to myself how naive i was, how much false expectation i had, and just how much pain that caused me two short weeks later.

Yet i went on. Easter came and past, i cried like i had never cried before, and i went on.

I went on through the pain, i went on to hope, and i went on to pray for my miracle.

One year ago today, was the true begninging of this journey.

One year ago today i didnt know half of who i was, i didnt know half of who i was to become, and i didnt know half of the journey i was about to embark on.

But i sit here today and i wonder to myself, if i knew the journey i was to face, the pain i was to endure, would i be here now, or would i be in an alternate universe?

And i sit here and wonder what one year from now i will be writing, one year from now i will be thinking, what one year from now i will be hoping and praying for.

One year.  Such a short time, yet such a long journey in life.

Success is not in your possessions, it is the things you hope for and the things you do to make dreams become reality, and to make the people you love smile.

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Day 190 – Wordless Wednesday – Can you believe we have come so far?

March 31, 2010 0 Comments

Seventeen Weeks, One Day. Day 121 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I am not normally the one to post pictures, but as i looked at the calendar and as i looked down at my belly, i realised just how far i have come….  It is wordless to me… I have a 13cm little one in my belly!

Who can be wise, amazed, temperate and furious,Loyal and neutral, in a moment? No man. William Shakespeare

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Day 185 – Exhaustion, emotions, and its consequences

March 26, 2010 0 Comments

Sixteen Weeks, three days. Day 117 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Exhaustion overcomes me, and my emotions overwhelm me, i cant think, i dont think, i am just reacting….

I have made so many mistakes this week, hurt people i dont want to hurt, and why? becuase i am not in control, because no matter how hard i try my reactions are just over emotional.

I wish i could explain to people just how not in control i am, no matter what i do i am overreacting, and no matter how much i know i am doing it i cant stop it.

It is different to the kind if emotional i have felt before, it is the kind of emotional that makes me just want to curl up and sleep, curl up and dream of my future to come, curl up and pray that my miracle is ok, that my miracle will survive the distance.

This week i have been hurt, i have been angry, i have been scared, and of course i have been happy, but i have let these emotions out when i should have kept them in, i have let them out and hurt people because i should have left them in.

How can i stop this, how can i let my emotions go, just accept and move on, just live with the way things are, and the way things should be, accept change, accept my future no matter what it brings?

Exhaustion, i can barley keep my eyes open, and maybe that is where the emotions stem from?

I hope tomorrow brings a calmer day, i pray tomorrow brings security and peace within.

I hope tomorrow brings forgivness for the hurt i accidentaly caused.

I hope tomorrow i can be the person i know i am, emotions kept in check.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. Albert Einstein

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Day 177 – Over Emotional

March 18, 2010 0 Comments

Fifteen Weeks, two days. Day 109 in the quest to chase our little miracle

You know the feeling of uncontrollable emotions, its the feeling of frustration you get from thousands of follicle stimulating drugs – you know that feeling…

When the emotions are all messed up, when you cant control what you are feeling or the extent to what you are feeling them to.  When your mind is so messed up everything is 100 times worse then it really is.  When yelling your frustrations out is your only option, when crying uncontrollably is the only thing that will sort your brain out, when no in between emotion is acceptable?

You know that feeling….

It has come back, with a vengeance…

Week fifteen, and i can not in anyway control how i am feeling.

I am not sure if it is because i am working so hard and for such long hours, or if because i am just tired, or maybe i have really turned into the crazy bitch i feared i was…?

All i know is that my emotions are escaping me day in and day out, and i cant help but to say what i think, i cant help but to get angry, and i cant help but to let everything frustrate me no end…

I will try to put them back in, i have recognized that i am over emotional and i will try, but well…. It really is that feeling of not being in control.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. Phyllis Diller

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Day 170 – Night, night, sleep tight….

March 11, 2010 0 Comments

Fourteen Weeks, two days. Day 102 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I have never been a heavy sleeper, in fact most of my life i have had trouble sleeping.

For the past 4 or 5 years, i have woken every morning before 5am, my body not letting me sleep any later, i would try, i would lay there of a morning and make myself go back to sleep, but most of the time i would get another half hour and wake again.

My nights used to be filled with tossing and turning, waking up every time the cat moved or my husband rolled over, counting sheep, counting back from 1000, counting the things i could do the next day.

This is now in the past.

Last night for the first time that i can remember, i was dead to the world.  I feel asleep watching tv at about 8pm, and i dont remember a thing until 4.50am this morning.

This is when my husband told me that he had come home at around 9pm, accidentally slammed the door, had a shower with the adjoining door to our bedroom open, stopped the dog from barking, stopped the dog from pouncing, asked me about my day, told me about his day… Fell asleep, and apparently i got up 4 times for bathroom trips…

I dont remember ANY of it!

Where was i? There were no dreams, no faint memories, nothing, just out like a light…

Do normal people sleep like this?  Or is it a pregnancy thing?  Or was it because i have been working long hours?  I honestly felt like i had been drugged for hours, and when i woke up i was all groggy and hazy…

And to be honest right now i feel like i could curl up on the office floor and sleep for a century!

There is only one thing people like that is good for them; a good night’s sleep. Edgar Watson Howe

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Day 168 – 100 Days ago…

March 9, 2010 0 Comments

Fourteen Weeks. Day 100 in the quest to chase our little miracle

100 days ago i made a choice to do one final cycle.  I wrote on my white board in permanent marker – “when the world shouts give up, hope whispers one more time” And we gave it one more time.

I honestly hoped for a miracle but i told my heart i wouldnt let myself believe it, i told myself that i wouldnt let myself dream and i told myself i wouldnt break down.

But i did.

I hoped like hell, i cried until there were no more tears left, i begged and i pleaded with the Lord, screamed in pain and i cried some more.  I wanted this more than anything else, and i wanted my one last chance to be it.

100 days ago i thought that i would have an answer 68 days ago – 100 days ago i thought that i would no longer need to write and i thought that my 100 day challenge would be over on day 99, i had thought that i would have my final answer and that my journey would not need to continue.

But 100 days ago was just the beginning.  100 days ago was day 1 of the final cycle that would change my life forever, it was the begining of my miracle, and the begining of the rest of our life as a family.

100 days ago, i jumped in one last time for happiness, 100 days ago my prayers were finally answered, and my faith and hope restored.

I will never forget my 100 days of IVF, i will never forget my first 100 days in the quest to chase our little miracle, and i will never forget that when the world shouted give up, hope, love, and true friends whispered one more time.

For without that hope, without love, and without those true friends, there would have never been that one more time, and there may never have been day 100 of the final cycle to chase our little miracle.

Once you choose hope, anything’s possible. Christopher Reeve

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Day 167 – I'll get by, I'll survive…

March 8, 2010 0 Comments

Thirteen weeks, six days. Day 99 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Today i didnt break down, but i cried…

I cried for me, and i cried for you.

I cried because i know your pain, i cried because i understand, i cried because i want to help and i cant, i cried because i wished i could be there, i cried because i cant see you, but i can feel your pain…

So i say the only thing i can say, you will survive… Learn from my pain, learn from my story, and know that you will get by, you will survive.  You will find yourself again, it will be ok, there is hope, have faith.  When the world is screaming the impossible, scream back “nothing is impossible, with God, all is possible” and you will survive.

Trippin out
Spinning around
I’m underground
I fell down
Yeah I fell down

I’m freaking out, where am I now?
Upside down and I can’t stop it now
Can’t stop me now, oh oh

I, I’ll get by
I, I’ll survive
When the world’s crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don’t you try to stop me
I, I won’t cry

I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet, on the ground
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I’ll take a stand until the end

I, I’ll get by
I, I’ll survive
When the world’s crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don’t you try to stop me
I, I won’t cry

I, I’ll get by
I, I’ll survive
When the world’s crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don’t you try to stop me
I, and I won’t cry

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Day 165 – You twit, your a tweet nerd!

March 6, 2010 0 Comments

Thirteen weeks, four days. Day 97 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I never understood tweeting or blogging.

Not until about October last year did i really understand it.  Sure i knew about it, but i didnt get it…

Twitter was for nerds, writting your thoughts on a site that people may or may not read… Well that was even nerdier… But now, well i cant live without it.

I only started my blog because i needed something to get me through.  I was going to keep a journal until my brother in law set this site up for me, and i thought, why not, saves me carting around a book…

I have said this before, but i couldnt have done this, gone through IVF, gotten back on the path time and time again, if it wasnt for this blog and if it wasnt for my twitter ‘followers’.

I honestly dont think that you can understand, unless your in it yourself.  And i am not just talking about IVF and IF, i mean the whole social network thing.  To be honest, most of my ‘real’ friends dont get it, my father certainly doesnt get it, neither does my husband.  Most of the people i talk to just cant understand why you would write something in 140 characters, why you would post your every thought onto a page where the world can read it, why you would look forward to the comments and the end of the day.

But then again, you never know if you’ve never tried…

I now say to people who dont understand or who think it is just ‘nerdy’ that i have made friends with people i may never meet.  These people really care about me, they ask me how i am going, i know they have cried for me, some of them have stayed up late just to hear my news… and you know what? Some of my real friends didnt do that.

I have been asked so many times if i am trying to get a book published, or a movie made, or if i am just copying the movie Julie and Julia.. I laugh and of course sarcastically answer ‘yes, that its exactly why i started this’ (if they were smart they would know that i started my blog before the movie came out). But in all honesty i do say to people that this it is my support network, these are the people who understand me, who can give me advice, who can relate to what i am going through and what i have been through.  How many times do you get to a clinic, a doctor, a hospital, and be given a pamphlet for a support group?  Well, this is my support group, and i tell people that nearly everyday when i am questioned on my motives behind being a tweeter, and a blogger…

I have been asked if i was not infertile, if i hadnt been handed this opportunity would i have done it anyway? To be honest, no i dont think i would have been involved, i think i would have continued on with my life believing that this was nerdy… But this is the way the cookie crumbled, and i find myself saying again, that while last year was hell, i wouldnt change it for the world.

I am grateful for being able to connect with people who i understand, and who understand me and couldnt have said it better than the last day of 2009.

For the times when you stayed awake to see my news – thank you.  For the times when you waited, your hearts beating as fast as mine – thank you.  For the times when you simply gave me a *HUG* a *MWAH* a :p and even a :D – thank you. Thank you for the past 100 days, for your support, for cheering me along when i needed it most, for praying for me when i thought i had lost God, for crossing your fingers and toes for me, thank you. And thank you for the comments that always made me cry…  The worst year of my life is now over, and again i say – i wouldnt change it for the earth.  I sit here and i welcome in 2010 with open arms knowing that i have strangers in my life who will be with me holding my hand chasing my miracle each and every day with me.

To people that think blogging as a waste of time, to twitter quitters that dont give this a shot, to twitters that think it is just about business networking… No. This is about people finding people who understand in one way or another, this is about knowing that someone will help you when you say help, this is about knowing that a comment at the end of the day, no matter how small, will make you smile.  Because in the end, how many of your ‘real’ friends text you and simply say ‘are you ok *HUGS*’ ?

I know i have maybe one or two ‘real’ friends that will text me just because, but i have over 200 ‘followers’ that will comment each and everyday, and make sure that i am ok.  In my mind, even though i dont know them, and even though they will never replace my truest friends, they are my friends, and they are there for me.

Twitter and my blog changed my life, and got me through the hardest 100 days i never imagined i would have to face.  How many people do you know out there can say that?

Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. Elbert Hubbard

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Day 161 – Donate or Dispose?

March 2, 2010 0 Comments

Thirteen weeks. Day 93 in the quest to chase our little miracle

IVF – It has to be one of the hardest things anyone should ever have to face.  The torment, the anguish, the pain, the money, and the decisions.

Do we spend the money, are there alternatives, will this work, is it worth it all?  So many questions, and hard life changing questions.  You spend sleepless nights wondering if you have done the right thing, if you are doing the right thing, or if you will regret your choices for an eternity.

And the decisions dont stop, they never stop!

Once you take the plunge and decide to go ahead, there are documents, legalities, sign here, initial there, would you like option a or option b?  And of course no one can make the decisions but you, you are the ones with all the pressure, you are the ones who have to make the final choice, and you are the ones that have to live with them.

Now that all is said and done, and now that for me the IVF has worked, i thought the decision making would be over, i thought that it would just be the one last responsibility of chooseing a name that would keep me up at night.

But i forgot about our frozens…

I forgot about our three potential babies.  I forgot about our frozen embies, hidden away in the deep freeze of the clinic, waiting, just waiting to be defrosted…

I know its not quite the time to be pondering about such life changing things, but the topic has come up twice in as many days, and well…. It has really got me thinking.

Do we try again? Do we want a sibbling for George?

Do we donate?

Or do we dispose?

Three things that haunt me about such a decision…

If we try again, will i get caught up?  If we decide to go ahead with putting the three back in and it doesnt work, will my desire take over, and will i then want to put myself through the whole tormenting IVF process again?  Will i forget what i have and loose myself again?

If we donate, will i spend a lifetime wondering?  I would love to give someone else out there an opportunity, but will i spend the rest of my life wondering if there is a child of mine out there?  Will i wonder about the potential baby i possibly gave away?

Or do we dispose?  Do i get rid of the little critters that i went through hell and back to get?  And if donating my embryo’s is comparable to adoption in my mind, in the same thought is disposal comparable to abortion?

I know my mind is more than likely just playing games with me, and there will be a time later down the track where i will think it through more clearly, but it is something that people talk about, and ask me about…

At least for now they are safe and sound in the deep freeze…

You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions. Naguib Mahfouz

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