Sometimes i have to wonder where my inspiration went.

I used to wake up and want to be creative, i used to wake up with a thousand ideas running through my mind, not to be able to go back to sleep until the ideas were on paper... I used to be creative...

But since last year i am not... I have lost my inspiration.

Last year through all that i went though i lost the urge to paint and draw, i lost my inspiration, my creativity.

I thought it would come back, i thought that this year with all the hope i have, with everything turned out for the better, with my dreams slowly becoming reality, i thought my creativity and my inspiration would return.

But last night as i began my much anticipated paint class, i realised that everything i used to have is hidden, buried much deeper that i ever expected.

I gave it away, i gave something of myself away last year, and now as i sit here trying to find the inspiration i need, trying to find that part of me i used to love so much, trying to find what once gave me peace, i wonder why i let it go.  I wonder why i gave up something that i used to love so much?

What makes us dive so deep into a hole that we cant get out?

I need to find my inspiration, my creativity, i need to find my confidence, and i need to find the passion i once had for art.  My mind tells me the only way i can achieve that is to pull myself back to who i once was, forget what i lost, and focus on what i have.

I think only then will i find the creativity i once possessed, find the inspiration and confidence i so desperately desire...

It is better to create than to be learned, creating is the true essence of life. Barthold Georg Niebuh

One year ago today, was the first time i imagined my miracle becoming a reality.

One year ago today was the first time i was allowed to dream, allowed to hope, and allowed to pray for a miracle.

One year ago today, was the first time the doctors told me there was a chance.

April 1, 2009 was the first time i sat in the doctors chair with my heart racing, expecting the best news in just two short weeks.

April 1, 2009 was my first IUI.

I look back now, and think to myself how naive i was, how much false expectation i had, and just how much pain that caused me two short weeks later.

Yet i went on. Easter came and past, i cried like i had never cried before, and i went on.

I went on through the pain, i went on to hope, and i went on to pray for my miracle.

One year ago today, was the true begninging of this journey.

One year ago today i didnt know half of who i was, i didnt know half of who i was to become, and i didnt know half of the journey i was about to embark on.

But i sit here today and i wonder to myself, if i knew the journey i was to face, the pain i was to endure, would i be here now, or would i be in an alternate universe?

And i sit here and wonder what one year from now i will be writing, one year from now i will be thinking, what one year from now i will be hoping and praying for.

One year.  Such a short time, yet such a long journey in life.

Success is not in your possessions, it is the things you hope for and the things you do to make dreams become reality, and to make the people you love smile.

I am not normally the one to post pictures, but as i looked at the calendar and as i looked down at my belly, i realised just how far i have come....  It is wordless to me... I have a 13cm little one in my belly!

Who can be wise, amazed, temperate and furious,Loyal and neutral, in a moment? No man. William Shakespeare

Exhaustion overcomes me, and my emotions overwhelm me, i cant think, i dont think, i am just reacting....

I have made so many mistakes this week, hurt people i dont want to hurt, and why? becuase i am not in control, because no matter how hard i try my reactions are just over emotional.

I wish i could explain to people just how not in control i am, no matter what i do i am overreacting, and no matter how much i know i am doing it i cant stop it.

It is different to the kind if emotional i have felt before, it is the kind of emotional that makes me just want to curl up and sleep, curl up and dream of my future to come, curl up and pray that my miracle is ok, that my miracle will survive the distance.

This week i have been hurt, i have been angry, i have been scared, and of course i have been happy, but i have let these emotions out when i should have kept them in, i have let them out and hurt people because i should have left them in.

How can i stop this, how can i let my emotions go, just accept and move on, just live with the way things are, and the way things should be, accept change, accept my future no matter what it brings?

Exhaustion, i can barley keep my eyes open, and maybe that is where the emotions stem from?

I hope tomorrow brings a calmer day, i pray tomorrow brings security and peace within.

I hope tomorrow brings forgivness for the hurt i accidentaly caused.

I hope tomorrow i can be the person i know i am, emotions kept in check.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. Albert Einstein

You know the feeling of uncontrollable emotions, its the feeling of frustration you get from thousands of follicle stimulating drugs - you know that feeling...

When the emotions are all messed up, when you cant control what you are feeling or the extent to what you are feeling them to.  When your mind is so messed up everything is 100 times worse then it really is.  When yelling your frustrations out is your only option, when crying uncontrollably is the only thing that will sort your brain out, when no in between emotion is acceptable?

You know that feeling....

It has come back, with a vengeance...

Week fifteen, and i can not in anyway control how i am feeling.

I am not sure if it is because i am working so hard and for such long hours, or if because i am just tired, or maybe i have really turned into the crazy bitch i feared i was...?

All i know is that my emotions are escaping me day in and day out, and i cant help but to say what i think, i cant help but to get angry, and i cant help but to let everything frustrate me no end...

I will try to put them back in, i have recognized that i am over emotional and i will try, but well.... It really is that feeling of not being in control.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. Phyllis Diller

I have never been a heavy sleeper, in fact most of my life i have had trouble sleeping.

For the past 4 or 5 years, i have woken every morning before 5am, my body not letting me sleep any later, i would try, i would lay there of a morning and make myself go back to sleep, but most of the time i would get another half hour and wake again.

My nights used to be filled with tossing and turning, waking up every time the cat moved or my husband rolled over, counting sheep, counting back from 1000, counting the things i could do the next day.

This is now in the past.

Last night for the first time that i can remember, i was dead to the world.  I feel asleep watching tv at about 8pm, and i dont remember a thing until 4.50am this morning.

This is when my husband told me that he had come home at around 9pm, accidentally slammed the door, had a shower with the adjoining door to our bedroom open, stopped the dog from barking, stopped the dog from pouncing, asked me about my day, told me about his day... Fell asleep, and apparently i got up 4 times for bathroom trips...

I dont remember ANY of it!

Where was i? There were no dreams, no faint memories, nothing, just out like a light...

Do normal people sleep like this?  Or is it a pregnancy thing?  Or was it because i have been working long hours?  I honestly felt like i had been drugged for hours, and when i woke up i was all groggy and hazy...

And to be honest right now i feel like i could curl up on the office floor and sleep for a century!

There is only one thing people like that is good for them; a good night's sleep. Edgar Watson Howe

100 days ago i made a choice to do one final cycle.  I wrote on my white board in permanent marker - "when the world shouts give up, hope whispers one more time" And we gave it one more time.

I honestly hoped for a miracle but i told my heart i wouldnt let myself believe it, i told myself that i wouldnt let myself dream and i told myself i wouldnt break down.

But i did.

I hoped like hell, i cried until there were no more tears left, i begged and i pleaded with the Lord, screamed in pain and i cried some more.  I wanted this more than anything else, and i wanted my one last chance to be it.

100 days ago i thought that i would have an answer 68 days ago - 100 days ago i thought that i would no longer need to write and i thought that my 100 day challenge would be over on day 99, i had thought that i would have my final answer and that my journey would not need to continue.

But 100 days ago was just the beginning.  100 days ago was day 1 of the final cycle that would change my life forever, it was the begining of my miracle, and the begining of the rest of our life as a family.

100 days ago, i jumped in one last time for happiness, 100 days ago my prayers were finally answered, and my faith and hope restored.

I will never forget my 100 days of IVF, i will never forget my first 100 days in the quest to chase our little miracle, and i will never forget that when the world shouted give up, hope, love, and true friends whispered one more time.

For without that hope, without love, and without those true friends, there would have never been that one more time, and there may never have been day 100 of the final cycle to chase our little miracle.

Once you choose hope, anything's possible. Christopher Reeve

Today i didnt break down, but i cried...

I cried for me, and i cried for you.

I cried because i know your pain, i cried because i understand, i cried because i want to help and i cant, i cried because i wished i could be there, i cried because i cant see you, but i can feel your pain...

So i say the only thing i can say, you will survive... Learn from my pain, learn from my story, and know that you will get by, you will survive.  You will find yourself again, it will be ok, there is hope, have faith.  When the world is screaming the impossible, scream back "nothing is impossible, with God, all is possible" and you will survive.

Trippin out
Spinning around
I'm underground
I fell down
Yeah I fell down

I'm freaking out, where am I now?
Upside down and I can't stop it now
Can't stop me now, oh oh

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry

I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet, on the ground
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I'll take a stand until the end

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, and I won't cry

I never understood tweeting or blogging.

Not until about October last year did i really understand it.  Sure i knew about it, but i didnt get it...

Twitter was for nerds, writting your thoughts on a site that people may or may not read... Well that was even nerdier... But now, well i cant live without it.

I only started my blog because i needed something to get me through.  I was going to keep a journal until my brother in law set this site up for me, and i thought, why not, saves me carting around a book...

I have said this before, but i couldnt have done this, gone through IVF, gotten back on the path time and time again, if it wasnt for this blog and if it wasnt for my twitter 'followers'.

I honestly dont think that you can understand, unless your in it yourself.  And i am not just talking about IVF and IF, i mean the whole social network thing.  To be honest, most of my 'real' friends dont get it, my father certainly doesnt get it, neither does my husband.  Most of the people i talk to just cant understand why you would write something in 140 characters, why you would post your every thought onto a page where the world can read it, why you would look forward to the comments and the end of the day.

But then again, you never know if you've never tried...

I now say to people who dont understand or who think it is just 'nerdy' that i have made friends with people i may never meet.  These people really care about me, they ask me how i am going, i know they have cried for me, some of them have stayed up late just to hear my news... and you know what? Some of my real friends didnt do that.

I have been asked so many times if i am trying to get a book published, or a movie made, or if i am just copying the movie Julie and Julia.. I laugh and of course sarcastically answer 'yes, that its exactly why i started this' (if they were smart they would know that i started my blog before the movie came out). But in all honesty i do say to people that this it is my support network, these are the people who understand me, who can give me advice, who can relate to what i am going through and what i have been through.  How many times do you get to a clinic, a doctor, a hospital, and be given a pamphlet for a support group?  Well, this is my support group, and i tell people that nearly everyday when i am questioned on my motives behind being a tweeter, and a blogger...

I have been asked if i was not infertile, if i hadnt been handed this opportunity would i have done it anyway? To be honest, no i dont think i would have been involved, i think i would have continued on with my life believing that this was nerdy... But this is the way the cookie crumbled, and i find myself saying again, that while last year was hell, i wouldnt change it for the world.

I am grateful for being able to connect with people who i understand, and who understand me and couldnt have said it better than the last day of 2009.

For the times when you stayed awake to see my news - thank you.  For the times when you waited, your hearts beating as fast as mine - thank you.  For the times when you simply gave me a *HUG* a *MWAH* a :p and even a - thank you. Thank you for the past 100 days, for your support, for cheering me along when i needed it most, for praying for me when i thought i had lost God, for crossing your fingers and toes for me, thank you. And thank you for the comments that always made me cry...  The worst year of my life is now over, and again i say - i wouldnt change it for the earth.  I sit here and i welcome in 2010 with open arms knowing that i have strangers in my life who will be with me holding my hand chasing my miracle each and every day with me.

To people that think blogging as a waste of time, to twitter quitters that dont give this a shot, to twitters that think it is just about business networking... No. This is about people finding people who understand in one way or another, this is about knowing that someone will help you when you say help, this is about knowing that a comment at the end of the day, no matter how small, will make you smile.  Because in the end, how many of your 'real' friends text you and simply say 'are you ok *HUGS*' ?

I know i have maybe one or two 'real' friends that will text me just because, but i have over 200 'followers' that will comment each and everyday, and make sure that i am ok.  In my mind, even though i dont know them, and even though they will never replace my truest friends, they are my friends, and they are there for me.

Twitter and my blog changed my life, and got me through the hardest 100 days i never imagined i would have to face.  How many people do you know out there can say that?

Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. Elbert Hubbard

IVF - It has to be one of the hardest things anyone should ever have to face.  The torment, the anguish, the pain, the money, and the decisions.

Do we spend the money, are there alternatives, will this work, is it worth it all?  So many questions, and hard life changing questions.  You spend sleepless nights wondering if you have done the right thing, if you are doing the right thing, or if you will regret your choices for an eternity.

And the decisions dont stop, they never stop!

Once you take the plunge and decide to go ahead, there are documents, legalities, sign here, initial there, would you like option a or option b?  And of course no one can make the decisions but you, you are the ones with all the pressure, you are the ones who have to make the final choice, and you are the ones that have to live with them.

Now that all is said and done, and now that for me the IVF has worked, i thought the decision making would be over, i thought that it would just be the one last responsibility of chooseing a name that would keep me up at night.

But i forgot about our frozens...

I forgot about our three potential babies.  I forgot about our frozen embies, hidden away in the deep freeze of the clinic, waiting, just waiting to be defrosted...

I know its not quite the time to be pondering about such life changing things, but the topic has come up twice in as many days, and well.... It has really got me thinking.

Do we try again? Do we want a sibbling for George?

Do we donate?

Or do we dispose?

Three things that haunt me about such a decision...

If we try again, will i get caught up?  If we decide to go ahead with putting the three back in and it doesnt work, will my desire take over, and will i then want to put myself through the whole tormenting IVF process again?  Will i forget what i have and loose myself again?

If we donate, will i spend a lifetime wondering?  I would love to give someone else out there an opportunity, but will i spend the rest of my life wondering if there is a child of mine out there?  Will i wonder about the potential baby i possibly gave away?

Or do we dispose?  Do i get rid of the little critters that i went through hell and back to get?  And if donating my embryo's is comparable to adoption in my mind, in the same thought is disposal comparable to abortion?

I know my mind is more than likely just playing games with me, and there will be a time later down the track where i will think it through more clearly, but it is something that people talk about, and ask me about...

At least for now they are safe and sound in the deep freeze...

You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions. Naguib Mahfouz

boom boom boom, beats the little heart...

165 beats per minute, i hope i never forget.

Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before. Anon

To my dearest little miracle,

I wrote you a letter.  150 days ago i began by writing you a letter.  I honestly didnt think that you would ever read that letter, i thought that it would be a way to help me through my grief.  I thought that if i wrote you a letter, if i wrote down how i was feeling, then i might be able to get through my hardship with a little less tears.  I never thought that i would be sitting in my lounge room 150 days later, writing a letter to someone that is really alive.

In three sleeps, in just four days, i will meet you my miracle, your father and i will look on the screen and see your perfectly formed body, we will see you, in more than just 'blob' form.

My miracle, just the thought of you in there, fills me with such joy, with such anticipation for september, it is hard to express just how much you mean to me.  I write you this letter today, knowing that no more are you a fantasy, no more are you a figment of my imagination, no more are you a dream to aspire to, you are alive, and you are ours.

I pray each day that the lord blesses you with health and happiness, i pray each day for your saftey in there, and i pray that i can nurture you in the best way that i know how.   I want nothing more than to wake up next wednesday mroning, knowing that you are a happy healthy little baby, growing perfectly, just as a true miracle should.

I know that i have said that i am scared, and i know that i have said that i have fear, but today i choose to have faith and believe that the Lord who blessed me with a miracle, will too bless me with nothing but a beautiful child formed in his image.

I have grown to love you my tiny miracle, and i will continue to grow in loving you each and every second until the day i meet you, and even then, it will not stop.

Stay strong, and no matter what, always remember, that i am your mother, and you are my miracle.

Love from a mother that will be.

Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof. Kahlil Gibran

I have to admit, i thought that once i was pregnant i would have gotten over the whole googeling thing...  Or perhaps i knew i was going to Google, but i assumed it would be all bells and whistles, roses and blue skies...

But alas, i was once again wrong, so i am placing a formal compliant to the allusive Dr Google.

Dear Dr Google,

I would just like to begin this letter on a positive note by letting you know that your brothers Google, Google images, and Google Maps who are not doctors, often give me great assistance when needed, they are helpful and rarely negative, and always answer with only one key word.

However Dr Google, you on the other hand seem to like to inform me of nothing but negatives.  I asked you my success rates of IVF, and you spat out numerous articles all averaging less that my clinic percentage, didnt you understand i was looking for a 99% probability?

I asked you the symptoms of implantation, and BOY did you get that one wrong!  If i had had a better answer, maybe i would have had more hope earlier on...

I also asked you about the side effects of the drugs i was taking, did you tell me it would be ok, and everything i was experiencing was normal?  No No Dr Google, you told me that the side effects would only get worse, and you continually spat literature at me - that's not what i was looking for!

And most recently, Dr Google, I ask you about fetal development, and what do you tell me? You told me miscarriage rates and you told me about birth defects , that is right, as positively as you try to spin it, and no matter how hard you try to hide it from me, i still read it!

So Dr Google, this is a request not only from myself, but from my fellow TTC'ers and my fellow 1st trimester'ers... GET RID OF ANY NEGATIVITY!

We want nothing but positive data from now on, now i am not saying that you should lie, i am just saying that you should admit all the 'bad press'.  All that info that we 'really didnt need to know'.

So if you could do me a favour and in future simply just leave out all the negative answers and just really give me what i am looking for, that would be greatly apprecaited.

If you have any questions please do not hesitate to comment below.

Regards,

Chasing A Miracle.

PS - Why am i still not at the top of your search? Nobody really cares about the sixty minutes story in 2007...

People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong. Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom? Thich Nhat Hanh

I love where i live, "beautiful one day, perfect the next" - that is Queensland, Australia for you.  I have always loved living here and i think the only move i will ever make will be to the sunshine coast (about an hour from where i live now)...

But earlier this week as i listened to the radio i had to agree with what they were saying... We are so far behind, and i dont know much about politics but as i listened to what our MP's were saying i was disgusted!

It took our parliament a whole 17 hours to decide to make surrogacy legal in Queensland, that is right you heard it, before wednesday last week surrogacy was illegal in my state.  And my disgust doesnt come solely from the fact that it was illegal, it came from the fact that it took 17 hours for these people to make a decision, and not only that, some of the "facts" or "reasons" behind keeping it illegal, well i say send them back to the middle ages, and stone them to death!

These are the people who are suppose to represent us, these are the people who are meant to stand for current times and current society, they are the people who are meant to accept what is acceptable, they are meant to represent our future, and here they are debating something that i believe should have been made legal as soon as the technology was avaliable...

But nooooooooooooooo.... These people, 40 out of the 88 votes, are so far up there own asses they were coming up with reasons (from what i have heard) such as "gay couples ordering children like pets" or "same sex couples not being able to take their child to a public bathroom" or my favorite so far "This is an assault on the deepest relationship between a mother and child." (abc.net) or what about "People have no idea the cultural implications of the state decreeing that a man and another man - or just a man on his own - is identical in law to a mother and father from a child's perspective"

WTF?

"The opposition is adamant that same-sex couples and single parents must be excluded from any reforms to surrogacy arrangements.  Some church and family groups agree, saying the reforms, as they're currently proposed, will threaten the traditional family model and normalise same-sex parenting." (brisbanetimes.com)

WTF WTF WTF?!?!?!

What is my state coming to? What about just having a family that loves a child? What about giving same sex couple a CHANCE to fit into society, give them a chance to become the norm... As the radio station said, it is like saying that non Caucasian  people dont have the right to children... And the truth is EVERYONE has the right to be a parent, i dont care who you are, what you have done, or who you may or may not become, you have the RIGHT to become a parent.

And you know what? How come f**cking crack whores and dealers, and murderers still have the right to becoming a parent? Why not make that illegal, i am 100% sure that a little girl would be better of with two daddies than a crack whore of a mother, and an abuser of a father?

Am i wrong, oh important people of this state, am i wrong? shall we just go and do a study and see which child is better off??!!!

Go back to to the middle ages... Cause i will be waiting there with my stones...

On the other side of things, thank you to those 48 votes who actually are with the times, and actually have half a brain...

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy. Earnest Benn

WEATHER FORECAST: - Today's post outlook is mainly sunny with a touch of sarcasm.  A word to the wise: before leaving your home, please remember to pull out your sarcastic hat, or alternatively a protective sarcasm umbrella would be advised...

I remember back in the day i was speaking to a woman about my infertility, she was pregnant for the second time, and each time had been very easy for them.  At the end of the conversation i just let out a sigh and said "why does it have to be so hard" and she very hastily responded with "no its not, just stop the pill" she didnt even realize what she had said to me, and how hurtful it was, and i doubt she ever will, but in her defense, well it was easy... Step one - stop taking the pill, period, end of steps...

So in honor of  all things that are never as they seem, i give you:

THE TOP TEN STEPS TO FALLING PREGNANT (what there are TEN whole steps?)

1. Stopped taking the pill

What your not pregnant?

2. Counted your cycle days

What your not pregnant?

3. Kept counting your cycle days, then timed baby dancing

What your still not pregnant?

4. Kept counting your cycle days, timed baby dancing, AND began using ovulation prediction kits

What how could you not be pregnant yet?

5. Kept counting your cycle days, timing baby dancing, using ovulation prediction kits, PLUS now you are temping as well?

What is wrong with you, you must be doing SOMETHING wrong!

6. Kept counting your cycle days, timing baby dancing, using ovulation prediction kits, you are temping, and you have seen your GP

Your still not pregnant? Have you concidered taking a holiday?

7. Stop counting, meet with fertility specalist, start taking the pill again

What kind of specialist is this telling you to go back on the pill? I know for a FACT that is not how you fall pregnant!

8. Start counting cycle days, start sniffing, start injecting, get eggs removed, get eggs and sperm put together, get embryo put back in you, wait...

Really, what is this specialist doing? how could you not be pregnant? They did put the thing back in you didnt they? Why arnt your pregnant then? It cant be that hard... really!

9. Repeat step 8

Now this is just silly, i think you should see another doctor, have you tried just relaxing? Maybe you should take another holiday?

10. Repeat step 8, give up all hope. get a puppy instead....

See i told you so! All you had to do was relax...

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget. Thomas S. Szasz