Twelve weeks, one day. Day 87 in the quest to chase our little miracle
boom boom boom, beats the little heart…
165 beats per minute, i hope i never forget.
Love comes to those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they’ve been betrayed, to those who still love even though they’ve been hurt before. Anon
Eleven Weeks, four days. Day 83 in the quest to chase our little miracle
To my dearest little miracle,
I wrote you a letter. 150 days ago i began by writing you a letter. I honestly didnt think that you would ever read that letter, i thought that it would be a way to help me through my grief. I thought that if i wrote you a letter, if i wrote down how i was feeling, then i might be able to get through my hardship with a little less tears. I never thought that i would be sitting in my lounge room 150 days later, writing a letter to someone that is really alive.
In three sleeps, in just four days, i will meet you my miracle, your father and i will look on the screen and see your perfectly formed body, we will see you, in more than just ‘blob’ form.
My miracle, just the thought of you in there, fills me with such joy, with such anticipation for september, it is hard to express just how much you mean to me. I write you this letter today, knowing that no more are you a fantasy, no more are you a figment of my imagination, no more are you a dream to aspire to, you are alive, and you are ours.
I pray each day that the lord blesses you with health and happiness, i pray each day for your saftey in there, and i pray that i can nurture you in the best way that i know how. I want nothing more than to wake up next wednesday mroning, knowing that you are a happy healthy little baby, growing perfectly, just as a true miracle should.
I know that i have said that i am scared, and i know that i have said that i have fear, but today i choose to have faith and believe that the Lord who blessed me with a miracle, will too bless me with nothing but a beautiful child formed in his image.
I have grown to love you my tiny miracle, and i will continue to grow in loving you each and every second until the day i meet you, and even then, it will not stop.
Stay strong, and no matter what, always remember, that i am your mother, and you are my miracle.
Love from a mother that will be.
Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof. Kahlil Gibran
Eleven Weeks. Day 79 in the quest to chase our little miracle
I have to admit, i thought that once i was pregnant i would have gotten over the whole googeling thing… Or perhaps i knew i was going to Google, but i assumed it would be all bells and whistles, roses and blue skies…
But alas, i was once again wrong, so i am placing a formal compliant to the allusive Dr Google.
Dear Dr Google,
I would just like to begin this letter on a positive note by letting you know that your brothers Google, Google images, and Google Maps who are not doctors, often give me great assistance when needed, they are helpful and rarely negative, and always answer with only one key word.
However Dr Google, you on the other hand seem to like to inform me of nothing but negatives. I asked you my success rates of IVF, and you spat out numerous articles all averaging less that my clinic percentage, didnt you understand i was looking for a 99% probability?
I asked you the symptoms of implantation, and BOY did you get that one wrong! If i had had a better answer, maybe i would have had more hope earlier on…
I also asked you about the side effects of the drugs i was taking, did you tell me it would be ok, and everything i was experiencing was normal? No No Dr Google, you told me that the side effects would only get worse, and you continually spat literature at me – that’s not what i was looking for!
And most recently, Dr Google, I ask you about fetal development, and what do you tell me? You told me miscarriage rates and you told me about birth defects , that is right, as positively as you try to spin it, and no matter how hard you try to hide it from me, i still read it!
So Dr Google, this is a request not only from myself, but from my fellow TTC’ers and my fellow 1st trimester’ers… GET RID OF ANY NEGATIVITY!
We want nothing but positive data from now on, now i am not saying that you should lie, i am just saying that you should admit all the ‘bad press’. All that info that we ‘really didnt need to know’.
So if you could do me a favour and in future simply just leave out all the negative answers and just really give me what i am looking for, that would be greatly apprecaited.
If you have any questions please do not hesitate to comment below.
Regards,
Chasing A Miracle.
PS – Why am i still not at the top of your search? Nobody really cares about the sixty minutes story in 2007…
People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong. Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom? Thich Nhat Hanh
Ten weeks, six days. Day 78 in the quest to chase our little miracle
I love where i live, “beautiful one day, perfect the next” – that is Queensland, Australia for you. I have always loved living here and i think the only move i will ever make will be to the sunshine coast (about an hour from where i live now)…
But earlier this week as i listened to the radio i had to agree with what they were saying… We are so far behind, and i dont know much about politics but as i listened to what our MP’s were saying i was disgusted!
It took our parliament a whole 17 hours to decide to make surrogacy legal in Queensland, that is right you heard it, before wednesday last week surrogacy was illegal in my state. And my disgust doesnt come solely from the fact that it was illegal, it came from the fact that it took 17 hours for these people to make a decision, and not only that, some of the “facts” or “reasons” behind keeping it illegal, well i say send them back to the middle ages, and stone them to death!
These are the people who are suppose to represent us, these are the people who are meant to stand for current times and current society, they are the people who are meant to accept what is acceptable, they are meant to represent our future, and here they are debating something that i believe should have been made legal as soon as the technology was avaliable…
But nooooooooooooooo…. These people, 40 out of the 88 votes, are so far up there own asses they were coming up with reasons (from what i have heard) such as “gay couples ordering children like pets” or “same sex couples not being able to take their child to a public bathroom” or my favorite so far “This is an assault on the deepest relationship between a mother and child.” (abc.net) or what about “People have no idea the cultural implications of the state decreeing that a man and another man – or just a man on his own – is identical in law to a mother and father from a child’s perspective”
WTF?
“The opposition is adamant that same-sex couples and single parents must be excluded from any reforms to surrogacy arrangements. Some church and family groups agree, saying the reforms, as they’re currently proposed, will threaten the traditional family model and normalise same-sex parenting.” (brisbanetimes.com)
WTF WTF WTF?!?!?!
What is my state coming to? What about just having a family that loves a child? What about giving same sex couple a CHANCE to fit into society, give them a chance to become the norm… As the radio station said, it is like saying that non Caucasian people dont have the right to children… And the truth is EVERYONE has the right to be a parent, i dont care who you are, what you have done, or who you may or may not become, you have the RIGHT to become a parent.
And you know what? How come f**cking crack whores and dealers, and murderers still have the right to becoming a parent? Why not make that illegal, i am 100% sure that a little girl would be better of with two daddies than a crack whore of a mother, and an abuser of a father?
Am i wrong, oh important people of this state, am i wrong? shall we just go and do a study and see which child is better off??!!!
Go back to to the middle ages… Cause i will be waiting there with my stones…
On the other side of things, thank you to those 48 votes who actually are with the times, and actually have half a brain…
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy. Earnest Benn
Ten weeks, four days. Day 76 in the quest to chase our little miracle
WEATHER FORECAST: – Today’s post outlook is mainly sunny with a touch of sarcasm. A word to the wise: before leaving your home, please remember to pull out your sarcastic hat, or alternatively a protective sarcasm umbrella would be advised…
I remember back in the day i was speaking to a woman about my infertility, she was pregnant for the second time, and each time had been very easy for them. At the end of the conversation i just let out a sigh and said “why does it have to be so hard” and she very hastily responded with “no its not, just stop the pill” she didnt even realize what she had said to me, and how hurtful it was, and i doubt she ever will, but in her defense, well it was easy… Step one – stop taking the pill, period, end of steps…
So in honor of all things that are never as they seem, i give you:
THE TOP TEN STEPS TO FALLING PREGNANT (what there are TEN whole steps?)
1. Stopped taking the pill
What your not pregnant?
2. Counted your cycle days
What your not pregnant?
3. Kept counting your cycle days, then timed baby dancing
What your still not pregnant?
4. Kept counting your cycle days, timed baby dancing, AND began using ovulation prediction kits
What how could you not be pregnant yet?
5. Kept counting your cycle days, timing baby dancing, using ovulation prediction kits, PLUS now you are temping as well?
What is wrong with you, you must be doing SOMETHING wrong!
6. Kept counting your cycle days, timing baby dancing, using ovulation prediction kits, you are temping, and you have seen your GP
Your still not pregnant? Have you concidered taking a holiday?
7. Stop counting, meet with fertility specalist, start taking the pill again
What kind of specialist is this telling you to go back on the pill? I know for a FACT that is not how you fall pregnant!
8. Start counting cycle days, start sniffing, start injecting, get eggs removed, get eggs and sperm put together, get embryo put back in you, wait…
Really, what is this specialist doing? how could you not be pregnant? They did put the thing back in you didnt they? Why arnt your pregnant then? It cant be that hard… really!
9. Repeat step 8
Now this is just silly, i think you should see another doctor, have you tried just relaxing? Maybe you should take another holiday?
10. Repeat step 8, give up all hope. get a puppy instead….
See i told you so! All you had to do was relax…
The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget. Thomas S. Szasz
Eight weeks Day 59 in the quest to chase our little miracle
What if?
I wish i could get all negatives out of my head, but there seems to be one little thought that is stuck right on in there…
What if?
I am working so hard against my fears and doubts, and i am praying each and everyday for george, but i get a cramp, or back pain, or just a feeling, and, well, my fears return.
I havent done this before, i dont know how i am meant to feel, and i dont know the difference between a good feeling and a bad feeling, i dont know how tired i am meant to be, how hungry i am meant to feel… It is leaving me quite confused!
But am i being paranoid?
I want to be happy… No, no I AM HAPPY, i am the happiest and most excited i have ever been, and i think the paranoia will ease in four weeks, when i get through what has seemingly been labeled the “danger period”
I think the worst thing for me is people saying “just wait until the 12 weeks” “just see what happens”
I dont understand that… I know i am paranoid, but i have right to be – it is my body doing weird things, other people they should just be happy, none of these doubts, or at least not out loud…
I dont know, maybe i am just being silly, maybe i am just tired, maybe this is normal….
All i know is i cant wait to hold my little george in my arms, and i know my husband feels the same, and we just want this to be the most perfect trouble free pregnancy….
A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what’s going on. William S. Burroughs
Seven Weeks, six days. Day 58 in the quest to chase our little miracle
Argh! I swore ages ago that when i fell pregnant, i wouldnt over eat and i would make sure that i kept up my healthy lifestyle… But i tell you it is hard!
For the last three years i have chosen to have a very healthy diet, where my calories were limited to about 1200 a day… Now i am not trying to stick to that, nope not at all, but i thought that i could continue the way i used to eat at least for the first little while… Nope – WRONG!
I am HUNGRY! And i know it is my body just using the energy it needs… But still, it is like i cant get full… And not feeling well as well just makes it harder and harder to know what to eat, and when to eat it!
I am eating fruit – 2 pieces a day, plus breakfast, plus a large salad for lunch, then a huge dinner, but still – HUNGRY! I ate tea a half hour ago, well ok, maybe an hour ago, and i am starving again….
I really wish there was like a strict diet plan for pregnancy, where you were told what to eat and when to eat it, that is what i am used to see, my personal trainer used to give me a chart of what to eat and at what time to eat it… Call me silly or insane, but that is what i am used to – and it worked for me, i was never hungry, and i always knew what to eat and when to eat it, and i always knew i was treating my body correctly… Now, well as you can see i am just confused… silly really…
It makes me wonder if it is meant to be like this? Or if my brain is playing tricks on me?
Sanity in a world of insanity is insane
Limbo Land Day Eleven
Nine days ago, i was okay with this, i was ready to go beyond IVF, i was ready to accept life without TTC for a little while. My sketch of hope, faith and love, of my life beyond this mess, gave me the inspiration i needed, i drew this last week when i had finally accepted that this was over…
But now today, all i can do is question why it had to be like this. And again ask where are you God? Where are you now? How can i possibly continue to have faith, to believe in miracles, when they are given to me and taken away… A dear dear friend of mine told me that God is not in the business of taking babies, he is in the business of making babies… Then why oh why am i going through this again? What have i done to deserve this and why must i hurt like this again…?
Maybe i am counting my chickens before they hatch, maybe i have lost faith too early… but how can i not, how can i possibly have hope when all the signs are bad, when i am once again in so much pain?
This is the hardest thing i have ever had to write, because i know that i will be told that it is not true, but no matter what you say, no matter what i am told, i will never ever forgive myself …
If i could go back in time, if i could take myself back a week, i would be able to stop myself from going for that run, and from doing that heavy workout, and maybe just maybe this woulnt have happened, maybe i would be sitting here writing how my life is so much better, how i am the happiest lady on the earth, but i am not, i am not because i made a mistake, i was scared a week ago, now i feel nothing but guilt.
I wish i knew why this was happening to me, and i wish i had answers, its not fair, it is just not fair, and no matter what i do, no matter how much i have faith, how much i believe, no matter how much i love God, and be the best i can be in Gods eyes, for some reason it is not enough, it is not meant to be, it is not my time…
I know i am headed beyond IVF and i have so much to look forward to, but for just one last time, i say – WHY ME? Why God are you taking this away from me, and why are you making this so hard for me?
And one last time i say grasping for one last breath of hope- maybe the chickens have been counted before they have hatched…
Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be. Anon
Limbo Land Day Ten
I just want this over. I want my final cry and i want to get on with my life. I dont care anymore. No matter how much i pray, no matter how much i scream, no matter how much i wish, and no matter how much i cry out to the Lord for a miracle, no matter how much i chase this… It only hurts more.
I want to say that i am angry, i want to hate this world and what it puts us through, i want to blame someone, i want to punch something, and most of all i want to hate God – but i cant… I just cant because i am over it, i am honestly just over it, i dont want to do this anymore – I WANT OUT!
Dont get me wrong… I want a child more than anything else on this earth, but more than that, i want to be whole. I want my life back, i want to wake up in the morning and have hope, i want to wake up to a schedule, i want to wake up and be proud of myself and what i have achieved, i want nothing more on this earth than to be happy, and this not knowing, this limbo land, this maybe maybe not… It makes me say over and over and over again I WANT OUT!
I want to run away my pain, i want to wake up and think, ok this is the plan, this is who i am and what i am going to achieve this year.. but i cant because i am stuck, i am stuck in limbo land waiting the worst wait of my life.
To my dearest little miracle,
Are you there? Your mother and father need to know what is happening, as much as we love you, we cant do this anymore. We are hurting from places even deeper than the places we never thought we could hurt, and we need to grieve, but we cant because there are no definite answers. I need to know, we need to know where you are, if you are there?
My little one, we still love you, and still hope for this miracle, i pray for this miracle to be a true miracle, where the unexpected and unexplained happens…
My Dearest little miracle if you are still there be strong and show yourself… Show yourself in all your beauty…
Love from a mother that may never be.
Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow. Dorothy Thompson
Limbo Land Day Nine – results in a couple of hours, a have a feeling that not all is right, that something is wrong, i have a pain in my left hand side and i am worried…
However i have just been inspired by my great friends at The Road to Happily Ever After and His & Hers Infertility
Life is hard, life has its ups and downs, and while sometimes it is easy to hate the world, and to hate God, and to curse everything and everyone, it is the good things that we should focus on, and the achievements that we have made that make us who we are today. I have decided that no matter the outcome, and no matter how bad the road ahead is, no matter how good or bad my situation is, i am going to get through this, a week ago i had no hope, but then the tides turned, and whether the tides turn for the worst, or for the better again today, i know i can get through it and i will get through it and i will be a better person for it.
Now for my decade of change – from 17 to 27… and while i cant remember the years (like PCOS Chick!) i can remember that my decade didnt completely suck, and it has gone a little something like this…
Thank you girls, as i look at this list, the past ten years has been awesome, and while 2009 was dreadful and 2010 has started on rocky grounds, it has been an experience, and one day i will be telling someone somewhere about my experience, and all that i have gained…
Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. English Proverb
