Am i the ‘wrong’ kind of parent?

October 27, 2010 1 Comment

Day 63 in my miracles life

I am slowly learning that there are a thousand and one different styles of parenting, that everyone has their own magical way, and that everyone believes in the way that they have done it and they believe in the way that works for them…

Fair enough – you do what works right?

But how do you know what works for you?

I am in the middle of confusion…

I am torn between what is right and what is wrong, what is good for Jennifer, and what i am going to ‘regret’ later on down the track.  I am scared and worried that i am the ‘wrong’ kind of parent, that what i do isnt healthy, that the way i work is going to make my baby too dependant, or too needy, or that i am being selfish, or that she is going to cry too much later down the track…

And the reasons that i am torn about how to handle different situations, the reasons these ideas have come into my head of late, is becuase that is what people have told me.

I know that i need to find what works for me i know that i need to find my feet and go with my gut, but i just dont know, ive never done this before i have never been in these situations and quite honestly i dont want to do something that is going to ‘hurt’ my baby, and i dont want to ‘stuff up’ what i worked so hard for…

Two months ago i never imagined that it would be quite so hard, or that i would get so entangled in what others thought, or what others said to me… I thought that it would all be pure instinct and that i would know exactly what to do in each situation because i had dreamed about being a mother for so long, but it just hasnt worked out like that…

Two months down the track people are asking me why my baby doesnt sleep through yet (mondays confusion) they are telling me that my child should have ‘regular’ naps in her cot and not on me, they are telling me that i should let her ‘self settle’ and i am being told that i should change my feeding routine to accommodate more routine nap times….

So how do i know what is right? How do i sift through the good advise and know what is right for me and Jennifer, how on earth do i know what will ‘hurt’ her and what is best for her?

How do i make sure that i am not the ‘wrong’ kind of parent?

Filed Under: My Miracles Life Begins, One to Three Months Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Day 192 – The Adventures of GB, Stage One

April 2, 2010 Leave a Comment

Seventeen Weeks, Three Days. Day 123 in the quest to chase our little miracle

And so today began The Adventures of GB…

That is the adventures of Georges bedroom, and well it really began last week with the excitement of buying furniture, but this week i put my working boots on chose some colours, and got cleaning.

And while i didnt get very far, it is a start, and at least i have started early enough to give myself plenty of time to do little bit by little bit, change my mind, then rush to the finish line!

So let me take a moment to formally introduce you to the space… (excuse the mess) (To enlarge any of the images, simply click on them :) )

Basic Floor Plan (Not to scale)

Wall A

Wall B (curtains are going – you can let out a sigh of relief now)

Wall C (Yup the shelves are going too)

Wall D (i am thinking of painting the doors)

Thats the space i have to work with, not a lot, but it is all we have!

So… PART ONE:

Purchase furniture – Check!

This is the set we chose, however in white.  We chose white as our floors are quite dark and we wanted to lighten up the space, and make it look as open and fresh as possible.


Select Colours – Check!

These are the colours at the moment, we purchased the border, and at this stage i am contemplating painting below the border in green, and above in pale beige, skirting and architraves in high gloss white, and cupbord doors in the beige – maybe.  At this point i am unsure if the border will stick to the cupboard doors / if i will have enough border for the cupboard doors… Thoughts? Should the border run over over the cupboard doors? Should the doors be two tone? Or leave them plain beige?

Of course the colour selection is pending on receiving sample pots and testing the colours against the boarder.

Purchase some cute accessories – Check! (Yer, maybe a little early – BUT I COULDN’T RESIST!)

A sheet and blanket set

A matching “snuggle buddy”

Plus a cute and soft elephant from ikea (Ohhh, how i love ikea, i could get lost and never be found again in there)

Figure out some storage solution – Check!

Hideously ugly, but it works, and it works well… Again – Ikea what would i do without your cheap solutions?

Lastly in part one…

Adding a little something special – Check!

This is a present i gave to  my Opie in 2005 for his birthday.  When i asked him what he would like he answered “Just a Smile” so i gave him just a smile… Something that i will always cherish, and a reminder for my george of the opie she will never know.

AHHH! I love this part, decorating that is… I cant wait to get stuck into the rest, it is going to be hard work, and i noticed today, i just dont have the staminar i used to have (that also could have been the 7km walk i did before i even started cleaning!) but it will get done, and it will look amazing, i just know it!

Sometimes it is the simplicity in things that bring us the greatest joy.

Keep an eye out for The Adventures of GB, Stage Two!

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Day 191 – One year…

April 1, 2010 Leave a Comment

Seventeen Weeks, Two Days. Day 122 in the quest to chase our little miracle

One year ago today, was the first time i imagined my miracle becoming a reality.

One year ago today was the first time i was allowed to dream, allowed to hope, and allowed to pray for a miracle.

One year ago today, was the first time the doctors told me there was a chance.

April 1, 2009 was the first time i sat in the doctors chair with my heart racing, expecting the best news in just two short weeks.

April 1, 2009 was my first IUI.

I look back now, and think to myself how naive i was, how much false expectation i had, and just how much pain that caused me two short weeks later.

Yet i went on. Easter came and past, i cried like i had never cried before, and i went on.

I went on through the pain, i went on to hope, and i went on to pray for my miracle.

One year ago today, was the true begninging of this journey.

One year ago today i didnt know half of who i was, i didnt know half of who i was to become, and i didnt know half of the journey i was about to embark on.

But i sit here today and i wonder to myself, if i knew the journey i was to face, the pain i was to endure, would i be here now, or would i be in an alternate universe?

And i sit here and wonder what one year from now i will be writing, one year from now i will be thinking, what one year from now i will be hoping and praying for.

One year.  Such a short time, yet such a long journey in life.

Success is not in your possessions, it is the things you hope for and the things you do to make dreams become reality, and to make the people you love smile.

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Day 190 – Wordless Wednesday – Can you believe we have come so far?

March 31, 2010 Leave a Comment

Seventeen Weeks, One Day. Day 121 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I am not normally the one to post pictures, but as i looked at the calendar and as i looked down at my belly, i realised just how far i have come….  It is wordless to me… I have a 13cm little one in my belly!

Who can be wise, amazed, temperate and furious,Loyal and neutral, in a moment? No man. William Shakespeare

Filed Under: The Final Cycle, Wordless Wednesday Tagged With: , , ,

Day 186 – In a name…

March 27, 2010 Leave a Comment

Sixteen Weeks, four days. Day 117 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I believe i have mentioned before that i think naming a baby is a huge responsibility…  I mean if you think about it, you are giving someone something that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives…

And as we drove down to the furniture shop my husband and i had a little discussion…

It has to be cute enough to suit a little baby, normal enough to get your child through primary and then high school without being teased, or without the name becoming anything other than what it is, then the name has to be smart enough, or should i say reflect intellegance enough to get your child through college and into carrer….

I am just going to say it, there is a lot ridding on a name.  And it may seem that i am being very, hmmm trying to think of the right word, very vain.  It may seem like i believe choosing the right name will change my miracles personality, or belief in him/herself, but if you think about it, it is in some situations true.

If i child is teased at school because of their name, will that not effect their personality?  If a name is too ‘cute’ or ‘weird’ will that not effect the way they are looked upon by peers?  I know that when a child becomes an adult these influences disappear, but by that stage, maybe my child wont like their name anymore, maybe all the teasing and carring on over a name would have made them hate it, or wish for another…To me, that is an influence on a lifetime… but, maybe i am wrong.

On  the other hand, there maybe a name you like, however you know of someone that you dislike with that name, you therefore wont use that name. I find that aspect funny as well, if you know someone, and dont like the person, you instantly dont like the name, why is that? For fear that the name will change the personality?  Maybe? Maybe not.

So what is in a name, and will it affect a personality, and if you have named a child, how did you go about it?  It is like an endless circle, a decision that has to be made, a choice that you cant take back, something that influences three people…

Integrity: A name is the blueprint of the thing we call character. You ask, What’s in a name? I answer, Just about everything you do. Morris Mandel

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Day 182 – Two Words

March 23, 2010 Leave a Comment

Sixteen Weeks. Day 114 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Two words that can change the way you feel, two words is all it takes to bring you from cloud nine to reality, yet it is also two words that will take you right back to where you started on cloud nine.

The first two words of my appointment yesterday, they were the two words that can take just that little bit of hope away, like plucking the stem of the apple, or a leaf from a bushy tree… Just enough for concern to grow, just enough for your smile to vanish for just one second.

High Risk.

I knew all along that this is the case, i knew when i started what i was getting myself into and i knew before that appointment that this wasnt going to be easy, and i knew that this wasnt just going to be the ‘standard’ – but then again, who is?  It was just to hear the words, to to hear it out loud, for it to be confirmed that just makes it real, makes the knowing just that little bit more scary.

I know it is normal to have some fear, and i know that i am no different to anyone else, than people in my situation, and i never, ever ever forget how blessed i am to even be this far, but with SLE or with auto immune disorders, or just with high risk pregnancy’s, it is scary, your body does different things, and the doctors are never sure just how you will react.  I know that people have babies all the time. with worse illnesses than me, but i think it is the unknown, the un-understood, and the un-felt of the little child inside of you that makes it hard.

Two words is all it takes.

And the two words that i treasure, the two words that remind me that this is real, the two words that give me hope, faith, and something to hold on to when all else fails…

A Heartbeat.

That rippled, wheerly sound, that you instantly recognize… That is what i hold onto, that is what gets me to sleep at night, and that it what gives me hope and makes me believe in tomorrow.

In all things it is better to hope than to despair. Johann Wolfgang

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Day 165 – You twit, your a tweet nerd!

March 6, 2010 Leave a Comment

Thirteen weeks, four days. Day 97 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I never understood tweeting or blogging.

Not until about October last year did i really understand it.  Sure i knew about it, but i didnt get it…

Twitter was for nerds, writting your thoughts on a site that people may or may not read… Well that was even nerdier… But now, well i cant live without it.

I only started my blog because i needed something to get me through.  I was going to keep a journal until my brother in law set this site up for me, and i thought, why not, saves me carting around a book…

I have said this before, but i couldnt have done this, gone through IVF, gotten back on the path time and time again, if it wasnt for this blog and if it wasnt for my twitter ‘followers’.

I honestly dont think that you can understand, unless your in it yourself.  And i am not just talking about IVF and IF, i mean the whole social network thing.  To be honest, most of my ‘real’ friends dont get it, my father certainly doesnt get it, neither does my husband.  Most of the people i talk to just cant understand why you would write something in 140 characters, why you would post your every thought onto a page where the world can read it, why you would look forward to the comments and the end of the day.

But then again, you never know if you’ve never tried…

I now say to people who dont understand or who think it is just ‘nerdy’ that i have made friends with people i may never meet.  These people really care about me, they ask me how i am going, i know they have cried for me, some of them have stayed up late just to hear my news… and you know what? Some of my real friends didnt do that.

I have been asked so many times if i am trying to get a book published, or a movie made, or if i am just copying the movie Julie and Julia.. I laugh and of course sarcastically answer ‘yes, that its exactly why i started this’ (if they were smart they would know that i started my blog before the movie came out). But in all honesty i do say to people that this it is my support network, these are the people who understand me, who can give me advice, who can relate to what i am going through and what i have been through.  How many times do you get to a clinic, a doctor, a hospital, and be given a pamphlet for a support group?  Well, this is my support group, and i tell people that nearly everyday when i am questioned on my motives behind being a tweeter, and a blogger…

I have been asked if i was not infertile, if i hadnt been handed this opportunity would i have done it anyway? To be honest, no i dont think i would have been involved, i think i would have continued on with my life believing that this was nerdy… But this is the way the cookie crumbled, and i find myself saying again, that while last year was hell, i wouldnt change it for the world.

I am grateful for being able to connect with people who i understand, and who understand me and couldnt have said it better than the last day of 2009.

For the times when you stayed awake to see my news – thank you.  For the times when you waited, your hearts beating as fast as mine – thank you.  For the times when you simply gave me a *HUG* a *MWAH* a :p and even a :D – thank you. Thank you for the past 100 days, for your support, for cheering me along when i needed it most, for praying for me when i thought i had lost God, for crossing your fingers and toes for me, thank you. And thank you for the comments that always made me cry…  The worst year of my life is now over, and again i say – i wouldnt change it for the earth.  I sit here and i welcome in 2010 with open arms knowing that i have strangers in my life who will be with me holding my hand chasing my miracle each and every day with me.

To people that think blogging as a waste of time, to twitter quitters that dont give this a shot, to twitters that think it is just about business networking… No. This is about people finding people who understand in one way or another, this is about knowing that someone will help you when you say help, this is about knowing that a comment at the end of the day, no matter how small, will make you smile.  Because in the end, how many of your ‘real’ friends text you and simply say ‘are you ok *HUGS*’ ?

I know i have maybe one or two ‘real’ friends that will text me just because, but i have over 200 ‘followers’ that will comment each and everyday, and make sure that i am ok.  In my mind, even though i dont know them, and even though they will never replace my truest friends, they are my friends, and they are there for me.

Twitter and my blog changed my life, and got me through the hardest 100 days i never imagined i would have to face.  How many people do you know out there can say that?

Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. Elbert Hubbard

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Day 162 – These three things

March 3, 2010 Leave a Comment

Thirteen weeks, one day. Day 94 in the quest to chase our little miracle

When the storm clouds cover ever ounce of hope you have left, when you are in deeper than you have ever been before, when nothing makes sense, and everything is against you, remember these three things:

  1. Courage - The quality of mind that enables a person to face difficulty without fear and with bravery.
  2. Love - knowing that no matter how dark your cloud, no matter how heavy your heart, no matter what, love will get you though.  There is a man on the other side of the bed who will stick by you no matter what happens. And,
  3. Hope - Nothing can be done without hope.  For I know then plans I have for you, says the Lord.  They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and hope.  Jeremiah 29:11

Faith is knowing that the the sun has risen even when the clouds cover every ray of light.

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Day 160 – A Giveaway, dont miss out!

March 1, 2010 Leave a Comment

Twelve weeks, six days. Day 92 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Guess what? It’s a give away! WOOT!

And i might just add, my first!  But what could it possibly be? Well my friends it is an awesome and funky T-shirt, and today i have two to give away! Yes that is right, one t-shirt each to the two most awesomeness people who read this blog :)

So what is the funky t-shirt design?

Has anyone ever told you to just relax?  And you just wanted to say:

The t-shirts are plain black, with white text, and dont worry, i have a variety of sizes to give away!

The back of the t-shirts have a small design:

So would you like a t-shirt? Its easy! All you have to do is post a comment below

  1. Log in in using your twitter account (select the log in drop down box, and choose my twitter account, allow the application to connect to you twitter account)
  2. Share it with your twitter friends (select the share drop down box and select my twitter followers)
  3. Post your comment, and tell me what has been your favorite blog post so far (if you need a catch up, check out the archives)
  4. Re Tweet this post

The two winners will be chosen next sunday 7th March (aussie time!).  Make sure you are following me on twitter so as i can find you!

Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile. Albert Einstein

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Day 151 – 150 days ago…

February 20, 2010 2 Comments

Eleven Weeks, four days. Day 83 in the quest to chase our little miracle

To my dearest little miracle,

I wrote you a letter.  150 days ago i began by writing you a letter.  I honestly didnt think that you would ever read that letter, i thought that it would be a way to help me through my grief.  I thought that if i wrote you a letter, if i wrote down how i was feeling, then i might be able to get through my hardship with a little less tears.  I never thought that i would be sitting in my lounge room 150 days later, writing a letter to someone that is really alive.

In three sleeps, in just four days, i will meet you my miracle, your father and i will look on the screen and see your perfectly formed body, we will see you, in more than just ‘blob’ form.

My miracle, just the thought of you in there, fills me with such joy, with such anticipation for september, it is hard to express just how much you mean to me.  I write you this letter today, knowing that no more are you a fantasy, no more are you a figment of my imagination, no more are you a dream to aspire to, you are alive, and you are ours.

I pray each day that the lord blesses you with health and happiness, i pray each day for your saftey in there, and i pray that i can nurture you in the best way that i know how.   I want nothing more than to wake up next wednesday mroning, knowing that you are a happy healthy little baby, growing perfectly, just as a true miracle should.

I know that i have said that i am scared, and i know that i have said that i have fear, but today i choose to have faith and believe that the Lord who blessed me with a miracle, will too bless me with nothing but a beautiful child formed in his image.

I have grown to love you my tiny miracle, and i will continue to grow in loving you each and every second until the day i meet you, and even then, it will not stop.

Stay strong, and no matter what, always remember, that i am your mother, and you are my miracle.

Love from a mother that will be.

Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof. Kahlil Gibran

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