And so today began The Adventures of GB...

That is the adventures of Georges bedroom, and well it really began last week with the excitement of buying furniture, but this week i put my working boots on chose some colours, and got cleaning.

And while i didnt get very far, it is a start, and at least i have started early enough to give myself plenty of time to do little bit by little bit, change my mind, then rush to the finish line!

So let me take a moment to formally introduce you to the space... (excuse the mess) (To enlarge any of the images, simply click on them )

Basic Floor Plan (Not to scale)

Wall A

Wall B (curtains are going - you can let out a sigh of relief now)

Wall C (Yup the shelves are going too)

Wall D (i am thinking of painting the doors)

Thats the space i have to work with, not a lot, but it is all we have!

So... PART ONE:

Purchase furniture - Check!

This is the set we chose, however in white.  We chose white as our floors are quite dark and we wanted to lighten up the space, and make it look as open and fresh as possible.

Select Colours - Check!

These are the colours at the moment, we purchased the border, and at this stage i am contemplating painting below the border in green, and above in pale beige, skirting and architraves in high gloss white, and cupbord doors in the beige - maybe.  At this point i am unsure if the border will stick to the cupboard doors / if i will have enough border for the cupboard doors... Thoughts? Should the border run over over the cupboard doors? Should the doors be two tone? Or leave them plain beige?

Of course the colour selection is pending on receiving sample pots and testing the colours against the boarder.

Purchase some cute accessories - Check! (Yer, maybe a little early - BUT I COULDN'T RESIST!)

A sheet and blanket set

A matching "snuggle buddy"

Plus a cute and soft elephant from ikea (Ohhh, how i love ikea, i could get lost and never be found again in there)

Figure out some storage solution - Check!

Hideously ugly, but it works, and it works well... Again - Ikea what would i do without your cheap solutions?

Lastly in part one...

Adding a little something special - Check!

This is a present i gave to  my Opie in 2005 for his birthday.  When i asked him what he would like he answered "Just a Smile" so i gave him just a smile... Something that i will always cherish, and a reminder for my george of the opie she will never know.

AHHH! I love this part, decorating that is... I cant wait to get stuck into the rest, it is going to be hard work, and i noticed today, i just dont have the staminar i used to have (that also could have been the 7km walk i did before i even started cleaning!) but it will get done, and it will look amazing, i just know it!

Sometimes it is the simplicity in things that bring us the greatest joy.

Keep an eye out for The Adventures of GB, Stage Two!

One year ago today, was the first time i imagined my miracle becoming a reality.

One year ago today was the first time i was allowed to dream, allowed to hope, and allowed to pray for a miracle.

One year ago today, was the first time the doctors told me there was a chance.

April 1, 2009 was the first time i sat in the doctors chair with my heart racing, expecting the best news in just two short weeks.

April 1, 2009 was my first IUI.

I look back now, and think to myself how naive i was, how much false expectation i had, and just how much pain that caused me two short weeks later.

Yet i went on. Easter came and past, i cried like i had never cried before, and i went on.

I went on through the pain, i went on to hope, and i went on to pray for my miracle.

One year ago today, was the true begninging of this journey.

One year ago today i didnt know half of who i was, i didnt know half of who i was to become, and i didnt know half of the journey i was about to embark on.

But i sit here today and i wonder to myself, if i knew the journey i was to face, the pain i was to endure, would i be here now, or would i be in an alternate universe?

And i sit here and wonder what one year from now i will be writing, one year from now i will be thinking, what one year from now i will be hoping and praying for.

One year.  Such a short time, yet such a long journey in life.

Success is not in your possessions, it is the things you hope for and the things you do to make dreams become reality, and to make the people you love smile.

I am not normally the one to post pictures, but as i looked at the calendar and as i looked down at my belly, i realised just how far i have come....  It is wordless to me... I have a 13cm little one in my belly!

Who can be wise, amazed, temperate and furious,Loyal and neutral, in a moment? No man. William Shakespeare

I believe i have mentioned before that i think naming a baby is a huge responsibility...  I mean if you think about it, you are giving someone something that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives...

And as we drove down to the furniture shop my husband and i had a little discussion...

It has to be cute enough to suit a little baby, normal enough to get your child through primary and then high school without being teased, or without the name becoming anything other than what it is, then the name has to be smart enough, or should i say reflect intellegance enough to get your child through college and into carrer....

I am just going to say it, there is a lot ridding on a name.  And it may seem that i am being very, hmmm trying to think of the right word, very vain.  It may seem like i believe choosing the right name will change my miracles personality, or belief in him/herself, but if you think about it, it is in some situations true.

If i child is teased at school because of their name, will that not effect their personality?  If a name is too 'cute' or 'weird' will that not effect the way they are looked upon by peers?  I know that when a child becomes an adult these influences disappear, but by that stage, maybe my child wont like their name anymore, maybe all the teasing and carring on over a name would have made them hate it, or wish for another...To me, that is an influence on a lifetime... but, maybe i am wrong.

On  the other hand, there maybe a name you like, however you know of someone that you dislike with that name, you therefore wont use that name. I find that aspect funny as well, if you know someone, and dont like the person, you instantly dont like the name, why is that? For fear that the name will change the personality?  Maybe? Maybe not.

So what is in a name, and will it affect a personality, and if you have named a child, how did you go about it?  It is like an endless circle, a decision that has to be made, a choice that you cant take back, something that influences three people...

Integrity: A name is the blueprint of the thing we call character. You ask, What's in a name? I answer, Just about everything you do. Morris Mandel

Two words that can change the way you feel, two words is all it takes to bring you from cloud nine to reality, yet it is also two words that will take you right back to where you started on cloud nine.

The first two words of my appointment yesterday, they were the two words that can take just that little bit of hope away, like plucking the stem of the apple, or a leaf from a bushy tree... Just enough for concern to grow, just enough for your smile to vanish for just one second.

High Risk.

I knew all along that this is the case, i knew when i started what i was getting myself into and i knew before that appointment that this wasnt going to be easy, and i knew that this wasnt just going to be the 'standard' - but then again, who is?  It was just to hear the words, to to hear it out loud, for it to be confirmed that just makes it real, makes the knowing just that little bit more scary.

I know it is normal to have some fear, and i know that i am no different to anyone else, than people in my situation, and i never, ever ever forget how blessed i am to even be this far, but with SLE or with auto immune disorders, or just with high risk pregnancy's, it is scary, your body does different things, and the doctors are never sure just how you will react.  I know that people have babies all the time. with worse illnesses than me, but i think it is the unknown, the un-understood, and the un-felt of the little child inside of you that makes it hard.

Two words is all it takes.

And the two words that i treasure, the two words that remind me that this is real, the two words that give me hope, faith, and something to hold on to when all else fails...

A Heartbeat.

That rippled, wheerly sound, that you instantly recognize... That is what i hold onto, that is what gets me to sleep at night, and that it what gives me hope and makes me believe in tomorrow.

In all things it is better to hope than to despair. Johann Wolfgang

I never understood tweeting or blogging.

Not until about October last year did i really understand it.  Sure i knew about it, but i didnt get it...

Twitter was for nerds, writting your thoughts on a site that people may or may not read... Well that was even nerdier... But now, well i cant live without it.

I only started my blog because i needed something to get me through.  I was going to keep a journal until my brother in law set this site up for me, and i thought, why not, saves me carting around a book...

I have said this before, but i couldnt have done this, gone through IVF, gotten back on the path time and time again, if it wasnt for this blog and if it wasnt for my twitter 'followers'.

I honestly dont think that you can understand, unless your in it yourself.  And i am not just talking about IVF and IF, i mean the whole social network thing.  To be honest, most of my 'real' friends dont get it, my father certainly doesnt get it, neither does my husband.  Most of the people i talk to just cant understand why you would write something in 140 characters, why you would post your every thought onto a page where the world can read it, why you would look forward to the comments and the end of the day.

But then again, you never know if you've never tried...

I now say to people who dont understand or who think it is just 'nerdy' that i have made friends with people i may never meet.  These people really care about me, they ask me how i am going, i know they have cried for me, some of them have stayed up late just to hear my news... and you know what? Some of my real friends didnt do that.

I have been asked so many times if i am trying to get a book published, or a movie made, or if i am just copying the movie Julie and Julia.. I laugh and of course sarcastically answer 'yes, that its exactly why i started this' (if they were smart they would know that i started my blog before the movie came out). But in all honesty i do say to people that this it is my support network, these are the people who understand me, who can give me advice, who can relate to what i am going through and what i have been through.  How many times do you get to a clinic, a doctor, a hospital, and be given a pamphlet for a support group?  Well, this is my support group, and i tell people that nearly everyday when i am questioned on my motives behind being a tweeter, and a blogger...

I have been asked if i was not infertile, if i hadnt been handed this opportunity would i have done it anyway? To be honest, no i dont think i would have been involved, i think i would have continued on with my life believing that this was nerdy... But this is the way the cookie crumbled, and i find myself saying again, that while last year was hell, i wouldnt change it for the world.

I am grateful for being able to connect with people who i understand, and who understand me and couldnt have said it better than the last day of 2009.

For the times when you stayed awake to see my news - thank you.  For the times when you waited, your hearts beating as fast as mine - thank you.  For the times when you simply gave me a *HUG* a *MWAH* a :p and even a - thank you. Thank you for the past 100 days, for your support, for cheering me along when i needed it most, for praying for me when i thought i had lost God, for crossing your fingers and toes for me, thank you. And thank you for the comments that always made me cry...  The worst year of my life is now over, and again i say - i wouldnt change it for the earth.  I sit here and i welcome in 2010 with open arms knowing that i have strangers in my life who will be with me holding my hand chasing my miracle each and every day with me.

To people that think blogging as a waste of time, to twitter quitters that dont give this a shot, to twitters that think it is just about business networking... No. This is about people finding people who understand in one way or another, this is about knowing that someone will help you when you say help, this is about knowing that a comment at the end of the day, no matter how small, will make you smile.  Because in the end, how many of your 'real' friends text you and simply say 'are you ok *HUGS*' ?

I know i have maybe one or two 'real' friends that will text me just because, but i have over 200 'followers' that will comment each and everyday, and make sure that i am ok.  In my mind, even though i dont know them, and even though they will never replace my truest friends, they are my friends, and they are there for me.

Twitter and my blog changed my life, and got me through the hardest 100 days i never imagined i would have to face.  How many people do you know out there can say that?

Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. Elbert Hubbard

When the storm clouds cover ever ounce of hope you have left, when you are in deeper than you have ever been before, when nothing makes sense, and everything is against you, remember these three things:

1. Courage - The quality of mind that enables a person to face difficulty without fear and with bravery.
2. Love - knowing that no matter how dark your cloud, no matter how heavy your heart, no matter what, love will get you though.  There is a man on the other side of the bed who will stick by you no matter what happens. And,
3. Hope - Nothing can be done without hope.  For I know then plans I have for you, says the Lord.  They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and hope.  Jeremiah 29:11

Faith is knowing that the the sun has risen even when the clouds cover every ray of light.

Guess what? It's a give away! WOOT!

And i might just add, my first!  But what could it possibly be? Well my friends it is an awesome and funky T-shirt, and today i have two to give away! Yes that is right, one t-shirt each to the two most awesomeness people who read this blog

So what is the funky t-shirt design?

Has anyone ever told you to just relax?  And you just wanted to say:

The t-shirts are plain black, with white text, and dont worry, i have a variety of sizes to give away!

The back of the t-shirts have a small design:

So would you like a t-shirt? Its easy! All you have to do is post a comment below

1. Log in in using your twitter account (select the log in drop down box, and choose my twitter account, allow the application to connect to you twitter account)
2. Share it with your twitter friends (select the share drop down box and select my twitter followers)
3. Post your comment, and tell me what has been your favorite blog post so far (if you need a catch up, check out the archives)
4. Re Tweet this post

The two winners will be chosen next sunday 7th March (aussie time!).  Make sure you are following me on twitter so as i can find you!

Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile. Albert Einstein

To my dearest little miracle,

I wrote you a letter.  150 days ago i began by writing you a letter.  I honestly didnt think that you would ever read that letter, i thought that it would be a way to help me through my grief.  I thought that if i wrote you a letter, if i wrote down how i was feeling, then i might be able to get through my hardship with a little less tears.  I never thought that i would be sitting in my lounge room 150 days later, writing a letter to someone that is really alive.

In three sleeps, in just four days, i will meet you my miracle, your father and i will look on the screen and see your perfectly formed body, we will see you, in more than just 'blob' form.

My miracle, just the thought of you in there, fills me with such joy, with such anticipation for september, it is hard to express just how much you mean to me.  I write you this letter today, knowing that no more are you a fantasy, no more are you a figment of my imagination, no more are you a dream to aspire to, you are alive, and you are ours.

I pray each day that the lord blesses you with health and happiness, i pray each day for your saftey in there, and i pray that i can nurture you in the best way that i know how.   I want nothing more than to wake up next wednesday mroning, knowing that you are a happy healthy little baby, growing perfectly, just as a true miracle should.

I know that i have said that i am scared, and i know that i have said that i have fear, but today i choose to have faith and believe that the Lord who blessed me with a miracle, will too bless me with nothing but a beautiful child formed in his image.

I have grown to love you my tiny miracle, and i will continue to grow in loving you each and every second until the day i meet you, and even then, it will not stop.

Stay strong, and no matter what, always remember, that i am your mother, and you are my miracle.

Love from a mother that will be.

Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof. Kahlil Gibran

I have to admit, i thought that once i was pregnant i would have gotten over the whole googeling thing...  Or perhaps i knew i was going to Google, but i assumed it would be all bells and whistles, roses and blue skies...

But alas, i was once again wrong, so i am placing a formal compliant to the allusive Dr Google.

Dear Dr Google,

I would just like to begin this letter on a positive note by letting you know that your brothers Google, Google images, and Google Maps who are not doctors, often give me great assistance when needed, they are helpful and rarely negative, and always answer with only one key word.

However Dr Google, you on the other hand seem to like to inform me of nothing but negatives.  I asked you my success rates of IVF, and you spat out numerous articles all averaging less that my clinic percentage, didnt you understand i was looking for a 99% probability?

I asked you the symptoms of implantation, and BOY did you get that one wrong!  If i had had a better answer, maybe i would have had more hope earlier on...

I also asked you about the side effects of the drugs i was taking, did you tell me it would be ok, and everything i was experiencing was normal?  No No Dr Google, you told me that the side effects would only get worse, and you continually spat literature at me - that's not what i was looking for!

And most recently, Dr Google, I ask you about fetal development, and what do you tell me? You told me miscarriage rates and you told me about birth defects , that is right, as positively as you try to spin it, and no matter how hard you try to hide it from me, i still read it!

So Dr Google, this is a request not only from myself, but from my fellow TTC'ers and my fellow 1st trimester'ers... GET RID OF ANY NEGATIVITY!

We want nothing but positive data from now on, now i am not saying that you should lie, i am just saying that you should admit all the 'bad press'.  All that info that we 'really didnt need to know'.

So if you could do me a favour and in future simply just leave out all the negative answers and just really give me what i am looking for, that would be greatly apprecaited.

If you have any questions please do not hesitate to comment below.

Regards,

Chasing A Miracle.

PS - Why am i still not at the top of your search? Nobody really cares about the sixty minutes story in 2007...

People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong. Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom? Thich Nhat Hanh

I love where i live, "beautiful one day, perfect the next" - that is Queensland, Australia for you.  I have always loved living here and i think the only move i will ever make will be to the sunshine coast (about an hour from where i live now)...

But earlier this week as i listened to the radio i had to agree with what they were saying... We are so far behind, and i dont know much about politics but as i listened to what our MP's were saying i was disgusted!

It took our parliament a whole 17 hours to decide to make surrogacy legal in Queensland, that is right you heard it, before wednesday last week surrogacy was illegal in my state.  And my disgust doesnt come solely from the fact that it was illegal, it came from the fact that it took 17 hours for these people to make a decision, and not only that, some of the "facts" or "reasons" behind keeping it illegal, well i say send them back to the middle ages, and stone them to death!

These are the people who are suppose to represent us, these are the people who are meant to stand for current times and current society, they are the people who are meant to accept what is acceptable, they are meant to represent our future, and here they are debating something that i believe should have been made legal as soon as the technology was avaliable...

But nooooooooooooooo.... These people, 40 out of the 88 votes, are so far up there own asses they were coming up with reasons (from what i have heard) such as "gay couples ordering children like pets" or "same sex couples not being able to take their child to a public bathroom" or my favorite so far "This is an assault on the deepest relationship between a mother and child." (abc.net) or what about "People have no idea the cultural implications of the state decreeing that a man and another man - or just a man on his own - is identical in law to a mother and father from a child's perspective"

WTF?

"The opposition is adamant that same-sex couples and single parents must be excluded from any reforms to surrogacy arrangements.  Some church and family groups agree, saying the reforms, as they're currently proposed, will threaten the traditional family model and normalise same-sex parenting." (brisbanetimes.com)

WTF WTF WTF?!?!?!

What is my state coming to? What about just having a family that loves a child? What about giving same sex couple a CHANCE to fit into society, give them a chance to become the norm... As the radio station said, it is like saying that non Caucasian  people dont have the right to children... And the truth is EVERYONE has the right to be a parent, i dont care who you are, what you have done, or who you may or may not become, you have the RIGHT to become a parent.

And you know what? How come f**cking crack whores and dealers, and murderers still have the right to becoming a parent? Why not make that illegal, i am 100% sure that a little girl would be better of with two daddies than a crack whore of a mother, and an abuser of a father?

Am i wrong, oh important people of this state, am i wrong? shall we just go and do a study and see which child is better off??!!!

Go back to to the middle ages... Cause i will be waiting there with my stones...

On the other side of things, thank you to those 48 votes who actually are with the times, and actually have half a brain...

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy. Earnest Benn

BARHUMBUG!

That is what i am saying to valentines day.

Maybe it is because the love of my life is not a romantic, maybe it is because i have never 'truely' recieved a valentine, or maybe it is because i believe that love isnt about a commercialised day.

Love is about every minute of every day, of every year you are together.

I have learned over the past ten years that love is not about choclates or flowers, or about the 'stuff' you get for christmas an birthdays... Love is about the hugs at the end of a bad day, love is about telling someone that it will be okay, even when you know it wont, and love is about respecting the person you are with, and loveing them even though sometimes you really just want to hate them.

I have learned over the past year that the one you love can hurt you in ways you never thought possible to forgive, and i have leaned that forgiveness for the unforgivable is what love and marriage is truly about.  Over the past year i have learned more about myself and my love for my husband, and vice versa, then i ever thought possible.  And i know that no matter the challenges this world throws at us, we will get through it, no matter what we go through, no matter how hard our journey becomes, we will always have each other, each and every minute of every trying day.

Love is not a day, love is in a lifetime.  Love is not in a gift or a card, love is in the words you speak, and in the things you do.  True love is not a day, it is a lifetime.

When i was young i believed that happiness is what you make of it, i learned that when you accept thing as they are, when you decide that what you have is enough, that is when you can be happy....

Maybe that can be true, maybe if we learn to accept, then happiness is just around the corner.  But if i told you to believe this than i would be a hypocrite. If i have leaned anything in the past year, it is that happiness must be perused, and that no matter the challenge, if happiness is what you want, then you must go and get it no matter the cost.

There were so many times when i was told to stop, when i was told that i had changed, that i wasnt who i used to be, that i needed a break, that i needed to find happiness, that this pain wasnt worth it.  I was told out of love that i shouldnt put myself through the heart ache again and again and again, i was told this because all they saw was pain.

But i couldnt stop, i selfishly continued, i persevered, put myself through one of the hardest things anyone should have to put themselves through,  and i did it because i knew in my heart i wasnt going to find happiness without knowing that i did all that i could.

And i did do all that i could, and i would do it again and again, if it meant knowing that i would have the happiness that i have found in myself lately.

I want you to know that happiness can be found, that it can be perused. and i want you to know that giving up, believing that happiness is accepting, is not really happiness.

For those of you who are struggling, for those of you who are hurting, i want you to know that it is worth every second of pain.  I look back on my earlier days and even now, even though it was only 4 weeks ago, i have forgotten the pain...

I have forgotten those endless nights of crying, and i have forgotten the heart ache, and i have forgotten about all the times i was told to give up, and all the times i wanted to give up - not just on having a baby, but on my life as well.  It seems so far in the past right now, all i have to remember it by is my own words.

I dont know who you are, but hold on.  No matter how dark the tunnel, there is a light is still shining, and so long as that light is still there, there is hope.

By chance if you are watching someone else suffering, hurting like they have never hurt before, dont tell them to give up, dont add confusion to there turmoil.  The people you love, they know where their happiness is, and they are trying to get there... The only thing you can do is hold their hand and tell them you will walk with them through their hardship, and be with them every step of the way.  For they are the only ones who will know when enough is enough.

I may have given up a lot, i may have changed who i am, i may never be who i was.... But that is the cost of my happiness, and today if i give one thing, it is to let the world know that happiness must be pursued, no matter the cost.

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness.  Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost. H. Jackson Browne

You know that feeling, when you go home to your parents house for the holidays, walk through your old room, look through old memories, open the window and remember all the mornings of your childhood that you opened that window and felt nothing but hope and happiness?

I do, and tonight i am in sadness because those times of walking through old memories are now for sale.  The home i grew up in, the place i called mine for so many years of my youth, is now for sale.

It is not a surprise, i knew this was coming, but it doesnt change how hard it is to say good bye.

Home is where the heart is, and my heart is no longer in that space, but in a new space, and with new people, but i guess my old home is still part of me, and always will be.

It was in that home that santa came down the chimeny, where the easter bunny popped by, it was in that home that i meet one of my closest friends, it was in that home that i rolled down the grassy hill and played dress ups, danced and laughed untill i cried... It was in that home that i grew closer to my sister, and that was the home where i said my last goodbyes to my mother...

It was the home where i discovered who i was, and where i learnt how to become who i am today.

That home has a special place in my heart, and i know nothing can ever take the memories away from me, but i still sit here tonight remenissing about that home and all that it gave to me...

My parents build that house, and turned it into a home for me, and my only wish right now is that one day i hope that my child will see the home that my husband and i will build in the same way.

A home is where the heart is.

WARNING, FOR SOME OF YOU THIS POST MAY CONTAIN TMI, SO IF YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW, DONT READ ON, AND REMEMBER: I WARNED YOU!

So you decided to start TTCing, sounds exciting, you and your partner get excited about getting to do the baby dance whenever, where ever, and however... right?

Right... Until you realise it is not working... Then it becomes a chore, something that has to be done this way or that way, something that is posed to one another as a question of before dinner or after dinner... Then it gets worse.. IVF, where you are told EXACTLY when to do it, and exactly when not to do it....

Then it gets a little bit worse, after the egg pick up, after the sperm collection... there is more medication... Crinone, gel that makes a 'cottage cheese' like discharge... I have told these stories before i know i have, it is gross, and no man would ever go back if he went there...

So you wait.... It is only two weeks after all, you think that once the wait is over it will be ok, baby dancing will become free and fun once again... No matter the outcome...

Then it comes the news you have been waiting a lifetime to hear, news that you wouldnt change for the world, news that makes all your dreams become reality, news that changes your life...

But where does that leave the baby dancing?

My story is unique, our child, our miracle, hasnt come with the same confidence as others, low hormone levels, and scans twice a week, left our doctor telling my husband to "keep it in his pants" just that little bit longer...

So i say it again, where does that leave the baby dancing?

To be honest, and i am not sure how normal or abnormal this is, i am too scared, i know it would be fine, and i have Dr Goggled it... but honestly - still scared... and no matter how much the desire to do a little baby dancing is, i am still too scared...

And on a lighter side, the thing that also bothers me about this whole topic, is eww gross, there is a baby in there! I dont care how little it is, its a human, can you imagine being showered in sperm?  Not that the little tucker would remember it, but *sigh* well the whole thing just freaks me out just that little bit... ok i lied, it freaks me out alot!

So am i normal, or am i just a little paranoid and weird to be scared and freaked out?

If you are never scared, embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take chances Julia Soul