Our Souls Are Forever Changing…

November 1, 2010 0 Comments

Day 68 in my miracles life

11 years ago i was a teenager trying to figure out who i was, there were days where i felt trapped and scared and there were days where i wasnt sure where i was going or where things were headed, days where confusion overcame me and my soul felt like it was trapped in a body that didnt know quite how to express its self.

5 years ago i was a young adult trying once again to figure out who i was and where i fit into the world, searching for something that would give me inspiration and peace within, searching for love, laughter and the endless want of ‘happily ever after’

3 years ago i thought i had the world in my palms, i thought that finally i knew who i was and where i fit into this world, my soul was in love, content and just as it should be.

But 2 years ago, my soul was changed forever, and today i am left searching to find myself and my place in this world once again.

Infertility takes away a part of your soul that you can never get back, it changes who you are, and takes the confidence you spent the better part of your younger life finding…. And now that i have been blessed to overcome my infertility and to hold my precious miracle child in my arms i am still left searching for the place in this world where i fit.

Life changes us, it changes our souls.  I once thought that once we found our ‘spot’ in this world, once we finally realised who we are, once we got past our teenage years of tormented souls, i thought that it would be easy, that we would know who we were and that we would never have to search for our confidence or try to find our place in this world once again…

But i was wrong.

Infertility has changed my soul, pregnancy has changed my soul, and being a mother has changed my place in this world, it has changed who i am, and it has changed the confidence i have in myself.

I am slowly realising that everything in life changes our souls, i am slowly realising that each day, each new event, everything we go through is a chance to rediscover ourselves, and a chance for change – hopefully for the better….

Filed Under: My Miracles Life Begins, One to Three Months Tagged With: , , , ,

Day 191 – One year…

April 1, 2010 0 Comments

Seventeen Weeks, Two Days. Day 122 in the quest to chase our little miracle

One year ago today, was the first time i imagined my miracle becoming a reality.

One year ago today was the first time i was allowed to dream, allowed to hope, and allowed to pray for a miracle.

One year ago today, was the first time the doctors told me there was a chance.

April 1, 2009 was the first time i sat in the doctors chair with my heart racing, expecting the best news in just two short weeks.

April 1, 2009 was my first IUI.

I look back now, and think to myself how naive i was, how much false expectation i had, and just how much pain that caused me two short weeks later.

Yet i went on. Easter came and past, i cried like i had never cried before, and i went on.

I went on through the pain, i went on to hope, and i went on to pray for my miracle.

One year ago today, was the true begninging of this journey.

One year ago today i didnt know half of who i was, i didnt know half of who i was to become, and i didnt know half of the journey i was about to embark on.

But i sit here today and i wonder to myself, if i knew the journey i was to face, the pain i was to endure, would i be here now, or would i be in an alternate universe?

And i sit here and wonder what one year from now i will be writing, one year from now i will be thinking, what one year from now i will be hoping and praying for.

One year.  Such a short time, yet such a long journey in life.

Success is not in your possessions, it is the things you hope for and the things you do to make dreams become reality, and to make the people you love smile.

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Day 160 – A Giveaway, dont miss out!

March 1, 2010 0 Comments

Twelve weeks, six days. Day 92 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Guess what? It’s a give away! WOOT!

And i might just add, my first!  But what could it possibly be? Well my friends it is an awesome and funky T-shirt, and today i have two to give away! Yes that is right, one t-shirt each to the two most awesomeness people who read this blog :)

So what is the funky t-shirt design?

Has anyone ever told you to just relax?  And you just wanted to say:

The t-shirts are plain black, with white text, and dont worry, i have a variety of sizes to give away!

The back of the t-shirts have a small design:

So would you like a t-shirt? Its easy! All you have to do is post a comment below

  1. Log in in using your twitter account (select the log in drop down box, and choose my twitter account, allow the application to connect to you twitter account)
  2. Share it with your twitter friends (select the share drop down box and select my twitter followers)
  3. Post your comment, and tell me what has been your favorite blog post so far (if you need a catch up, check out the archives)
  4. Re Tweet this post

The two winners will be chosen next sunday 7th March (aussie time!).  Make sure you are following me on twitter so as i can find you!

Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile. Albert Einstein

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: , , ,

Day 151 – 150 days ago…

February 20, 2010 0 Comments

Eleven Weeks, four days. Day 83 in the quest to chase our little miracle

To my dearest little miracle,

I wrote you a letter.  150 days ago i began by writing you a letter.  I honestly didnt think that you would ever read that letter, i thought that it would be a way to help me through my grief.  I thought that if i wrote you a letter, if i wrote down how i was feeling, then i might be able to get through my hardship with a little less tears.  I never thought that i would be sitting in my lounge room 150 days later, writing a letter to someone that is really alive.

In three sleeps, in just four days, i will meet you my miracle, your father and i will look on the screen and see your perfectly formed body, we will see you, in more than just ‘blob’ form.

My miracle, just the thought of you in there, fills me with such joy, with such anticipation for september, it is hard to express just how much you mean to me.  I write you this letter today, knowing that no more are you a fantasy, no more are you a figment of my imagination, no more are you a dream to aspire to, you are alive, and you are ours.

I pray each day that the lord blesses you with health and happiness, i pray each day for your saftey in there, and i pray that i can nurture you in the best way that i know how.   I want nothing more than to wake up next wednesday mroning, knowing that you are a happy healthy little baby, growing perfectly, just as a true miracle should.

I know that i have said that i am scared, and i know that i have said that i have fear, but today i choose to have faith and believe that the Lord who blessed me with a miracle, will too bless me with nothing but a beautiful child formed in his image.

I have grown to love you my tiny miracle, and i will continue to grow in loving you each and every second until the day i meet you, and even then, it will not stop.

Stay strong, and no matter what, always remember, that i am your mother, and you are my miracle.

Love from a mother that will be.

Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof. Kahlil Gibran

Filed Under: The Final Cycle, To my miracle Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Day 140 – My childhood memories for sale…

February 9, 2010 0 Comments

Ten weeks. Day 72 in the quest to chase our little miracle

You know that feeling, when you go home to your parents house for the holidays, walk through your old room, look through old memories, open the window and remember all the mornings of your childhood that you opened that window and felt nothing but hope and happiness?

I do, and tonight i am in sadness because those times of walking through old memories are now for sale.  The home i grew up in, the place i called mine for so many years of my youth, is now for sale.

It is not a surprise, i knew this was coming, but it doesnt change how hard it is to say good bye.

Home is where the heart is, and my heart is no longer in that space, but in a new space, and with new people, but i guess my old home is still part of me, and always will be.

It was in that home that santa came down the chimeny, where the easter bunny popped by, it was in that home that i meet one of my closest friends, it was in that home that i rolled down the grassy hill and played dress ups, danced and laughed untill i cried… It was in that home that i grew closer to my sister, and that was the home where i said my last goodbyes to my mother…

It was the home where i discovered who i was, and where i learnt how to become who i am today.

That home has a special place in my heart, and i know nothing can ever take the memories away from me, but i still sit here tonight remenissing about that home and all that it gave to me…

My parents build that house, and turned it into a home for me, and my only wish right now is that one day i hope that my child will see the home that my husband and i will build in the same way.

A home is where the heart is.

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Day 136 – I am not a dreamer, i am a believer…

February 5, 2010 0 Comments

Nine weeks, three days. Day 68 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I am not a dreamer, i am a believer…

I believe in my future and i believe in myself, but i am not a dreamer…

I have never really been a dreamer, i am not talking about the dream of my life, and i am not talking about “i dreamed a dream” nope i am simply talking about dreams.  I am not a dreamer.

Each day i wake fresh, with no memories of dreams, ever, never…

Until about a fortnight ago… Now i am a dreamer… and just quietly, it is freaking me out.

I now wake with vivid memories of endless dreams, dreams that i assume mean nothing, but dreams that make me think of things i never thought about before.

Strange disconnected, unrealistic dreams about people i have never meet, people i have meet in passing, people i may never meet…  About places i have never been, places i once travelled in my youth, places that may not even exist.

For a person who has never been a dreamer before, these experiences each night are strange and imprint weird thoughts and memories into my mind, they make me think about my subconsious and why i have these thoughts in my head.

Dreams confuse me to say the least.

Has my child made me a dreamer? Will the dreams become stranger, or more realistic, and do they mean anything?  Right now to me my dreams are meaningless yet so puzzeling i want to understand them….

But i know that i may never know what my dreams mean, let alone understand them, or control them…

So for now i am a dreamer….

You see things; and you say, “Why?” But I dream things that never were; and I say, “Why not?” George Bernard Shaw

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Day 135 – My friends i feel an apology is in order

February 4, 2010 0 Comments

Nine weeks, two days. Day 67 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I have to admit that i have been a little uninspired lately, and i am feeling that my lil ol blog is lacking in a little laughter, and fun…

You see, i must tell you that blogging every day has become quite the challenge, not that i am not up for the challenge, and i tell you i will be persevering and continuing on, but at the moment, you must understand, i am just so exhausted.

Have you ever felt so tired after a very long day, gone to bed and woke up and still felt as tired?  Add in a little ‘car sickness’ and you have my not so me mind at the moment…

Pure exhaustion, it’ll do funny things to you, and make you do funny things in return :)

I am told that this will pass and in a few weeks i will be right as rein, back to bubbly lil ol me….

But until then…

And please keep reading, as i chase my little miracle….

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. Mahatma Gandhi

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Day 132 – When is a life a life?

February 1, 2010 0 Comments

Eight weeks, six days. Day 64 in the quest to chase our little miracle

So i have been pondering, when is a life a life?

This is such a controversial topic, but i was thinking about it, and it has been on my mind all day.  Maybe i am the wrong person to be writing about this, and maybe i shouldnt write something so controversial on my blog, but well, i was thinking about it, and after all it is my blog…

I know everyone has their own opinion, and i know that everyone has the right to believe what they want to believe, and to see life as they want to see it, but in your opinion – when is a life a life?

You see i never really contemplated this in such depth and after all i have been through, i think i might have a stronger opinion than some, i mean, i am one of the lucky ones, i have seen a life grow, and i really believe that at the point of a heartbeat, at 6 1/2 weeks, that, that there is a life…

How could it not be? A life begins and ends with a heartbeat…  How can something with a heartbeat not be a life?  But again, this is what i believe, and i have been through so much more than others.

I know it is all personal, and as i just mentioned everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but it is one of those topics that i find interesting, and like most topics ones opinion comes only from experience.  If you have never been in a situation like i have, then i guess the preciousness of life may not be as greatly appreciated…  But then again, that too is my opinion.

I base my thoughts on the fact that have seem my uterus, i have seen something inside of me go from nothing to something, i have witnessed the true beginning of a life, then seen it grow.  So i know what happens, i know that there is a life with a beating heart… That and what i have been through, that makes it all too real for me.

I do though accept that for some people, a life is not a life as early as i believe.  I have to accept that for some people a life is not thought about as a life, but as something more scientific, or maybe not even contemplated, so i am asking you…

When is a life a life?

The most beautiful thing we can experience in life is the mysterious. Albert Einstein

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Day 130 – When is too soon?

January 30, 2010 0 Comments

Eight weeks, four days. Day 62 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I have now known for two full weeks that i am pregnant, and only now is the real excitement setting in… And the nerves…

I have waited so long for this moment, for this time where we get to think about all the things that we never got to think about before, but how soon is too soon to start planning? To start researching…  I dont mean all the boring stuff like finances, i am talking about the FUN stuff, you know, the baby nursary, the cots, the prams, the  redecorating, painting… The baby shower…  THE NAMES? OMG we will be responsible for naming a HUMAN! EKK… (thats where the nerves set in, oh that and labor, but thats another blog another time)

How long do i wait before i start planning that stuff? Before we start discussing names?  I cant wait to go shopping for baby stuff to start decorating the room, i know that is already done in my head, i know exactly what i want, but you know, the reaserching on line, the shopping, oh the buying of baby stuff…

Is it too soon, should i wait longer before i get excited, before i start setting things in concrete, or should i dare to show my excitement, dare to discuss the previously undiscussable topics?

Oh the possiblilties are endless, if i start now… i may just change my mind one thousand and one times before i actually get to decorate and shop…

And the sad thing is, i am just excited that i get to write that i am excited!

Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning. Gloria Steinem

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Day 129 – Bloggedy blog blog bloggedy blog…

January 29, 2010 0 Comments

Eight weeks, three days. Day 61 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I have to say each time i get one of these i feel just that little bit more special.  I feel like i can make a difference, and that people are listening and caring… So thank you to one of my most favorite bloggers out there, Jen, not only do i love her name ;) i also LOVE LOVE LOVE her posts at The Road to Happily Ever After…

And today (ok ok ok it was yesterday, or maybe the day before – give me a break, i’m tired!!) i was chosen for a Beautiful Blogger Award…

I think this one is a little more special, cause… weeeeeeeelllll…. I am beautiful! (It says it – i have proof now…)

The Rules are:

  • Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
  • Copy the award and place it in your blog.
  • Link the person who nominated you for this award.
  • Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
  • Nominate 7 bloggers.
  • Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

Soooooooooooooooooo….  SEVEN INTERSTING THINGS ABOUT ME!

  1. When i was 6 my family and i moved to paris, where my father worked on the tunnel… We lived there for three years, and the thing i remember the most…. When dad told my sister and i there was an elephant out side, and my sister and i ran to the window, only to hear ‘APRIL FOOL’… that was my first April fool
  2. I have approximately 35 handbags in the top of my cupboard… ok so that is not THAT Many… but i have never ‘re-used’ any of them, if i want a different handbag, i will buy a new one…
  3. My next goal in life is to run a 1/2 marathon… my aim is 2011
  4. I have a tickle spot…. between my little toe and the next toe, i cant stand it when someone touches it… My husband will often put a piece of something between my toes, then hold my hands so i cant get it out, and it drives me crazy!!
  5. I have a mental temper, when i get mad, i get mad… I once threw all the contents of the dishwasher on the floor i was so mad!
  6. My favorite TV show is Get Smart
  7. I am an early bird, i love mornings… Just LOVE them

Now, SEVEN BLOGGERS WHO I PASS THIS BEAUTIFUL BLOG AWARD ON TO

  1. Sarah Hawker
  2. Sass Barker
  3. Brenda (AKA Prayingforbby)
  4. TypeaNightmare
  5. Infertility N Me
  6. A Girl with Pearls
  7. Born 2 b a Mommy

That’s it…. Thank you again Jen *MWAH*

A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are. Anon

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: , , ,
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