miracle

Day 128 – I shed a tear this morning

January 28, 2010 0 Comments

Eight weeks, two days. Day 60 in the quest to chase our little miracle

To my dearest little miracle,

As i have told you on many occasions before, the year of 2009 was one of the hardest years of my life, and it was hard for reasons other than my journey chasing you.

Last year the man we all knew as Opie, my mothers father, your great grandfather, left this world to be with his daughter.

I am ok, we are all ok, but it doesnt make us miss him any less, most of the time i remember him in passing, latley a little more because your cousin Charlie, well he riminds me in a beautiful way, just how special Opie was to us… And this morning almost out of the blue i received an email which made me think just a little bit more of him, and for a brief moment a wave of sadness washed over me knowing that you would never get to know Opie.

Our Opie was one of the most treasured people i have ever know, he had the kindest spirit, and was by far the most treasureable grandfather of all, and most importantly he was my mothers father, your grandmothers father.

The thing that brings a tear to my eye right now, is the thought that you, my miracle, will never get that chance to meet him, nor will you ever get the chance to meet his daughter, my mother.

If i had one wish for you, it would be that my family and i will be able to share with you the many memories we have of both my mother and Opie, and that you will grow up knowing that you have the most wonderful family. I pray that even though you will never have the opportunity to meet them,you will know that they are a part of you, and that i will ensure that you know just how much they influenced my life, and thus your life too.

My miracle, you will meet many people in your life, but know that sometimes it is the people who you never knew, or will never know, that are the biggest influence on your life, and that mean the most in the place that matters the most; your heart.

Love from a mother that will be

Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. Kevin Arnold

Filed Under: The Final Cycle, To my miracle Tagged With: Baby, Beliefs, God, hope, journey, miracle, peace, pregnant

Day 127 – Wordless Wednesday

January 27, 2010 0 Comments

Eight weeks, one day. Day 59 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop. Ovid

Filed Under: The Final Cycle, Wordless Wednesday Tagged With: emotions, hope, journey, miracle, pregnant

Day 126 – Am i paranoid?

January 26, 2010 0 Comments

Eight weeks Day 59 in the quest to chase our little miracle

What if?

I wish i could get all negatives out of my head, but there seems to be one little thought that is stuck right on in there…

What if?

I am working so hard against my fears and doubts, and i am praying each and everyday for george, but i get a cramp, or back pain, or just a feeling, and, well, my fears return.

I havent done this before, i dont know how i am meant to feel, and i dont know the difference between a good feeling and a bad feeling, i dont know how tired i am meant to be, how hungry i am meant to feel… It is leaving me quite confused!

But am i being paranoid?

I want to be happy… No, no I AM HAPPY, i am the happiest and most excited i have ever been, and i think the paranoia will ease in four weeks, when i get through what has seemingly been labeled the “danger period”

I think the worst thing for me is people saying “just wait until the 12 weeks” “just see what happens”

I dont understand that… I know i am paranoid, but i have right to be – it is my body doing weird things, other people they should just be happy, none of these doubts, or at least not out loud…

I dont know, maybe i am just being silly, maybe i am just tired, maybe this is normal….

All i know is i cant wait to hold my little george in my arms, and i know my husband feels the same, and we just want this to be the most perfect trouble free pregnancy….

A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what’s going on. William S. Burroughs

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: Baby, Beliefs, emotions, Fertility, hope, IVF, journey, miracle, pain, pregnant, questions

Day 125 – I think the body knows what the body needs…

January 25, 2010 0 Comments

Seven Weeks, six days. Day 58 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Argh! I swore ages ago that when i fell pregnant, i wouldnt over eat and i would make sure that i kept up my healthy lifestyle… But i tell you it is hard!

For the last three years i have chosen to have a very healthy diet, where my calories were limited to about 1200 a day… Now i am not trying to stick to that, nope not at all, but i thought that i could continue the way i used to eat at least for the first little while… Nope – WRONG!

I am HUNGRY! And i know it is my body just using the energy it needs… But still, it is like i cant get full… And not feeling well as well just makes it harder and harder to know what to eat, and when to eat it!

I am eating fruit – 2 pieces a day, plus breakfast, plus a large salad for lunch, then a huge dinner, but still – HUNGRY! I ate tea a half hour ago, well ok, maybe an hour ago, and i am starving again….

I really wish there was like a strict diet plan for pregnancy, where you were told what to eat and when to eat it, that is what i am used to see, my personal trainer used to give me a chart of what to eat and at what time to eat it… Call me silly or insane, but that is what i am used to – and it worked for me, i was never hungry, and i always knew what to eat and when to eat it, and i always knew i was treating my body correctly… Now, well as you can see i am just confused… silly really…

It makes me wonder if it is meant to be like this? Or if my brain is playing tricks on me?

Sanity in a world of insanity is insane

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: answers, Baby, emotions, Fertility, IVF, journey, miracle, peace, pregnant, questions

Day 124 – Have you ever felt so tired?

January 24, 2010 0 Comments

Seven Weeks, five days. Day 57 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Have you every just felt so tired that nothing makes sense and everything is just goes into the ‘to hard basket’?

That is me…

Too hard today… It is all too hard…

I was feeling upset because no one understood, i was feeling misunderstood, and like everyone was against me, like no one could possibly get what i went through or why the decisions i was trying to make were so hard for me to make. I felt like everyone was being so hypocritical…

But then i realized how tired i was, and that pressuring myself to make a decision RIGHT now was not helping me or George… i decided that i just needed time for myself to think it through, to decide what i really want, to be more informed in my decision…

So today, i leave it there…

Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired. Anon

Filed Under: Have you ever?, The Final Cycle Tagged With: Beliefs, emotions, inspiration, journey, miracle, peace, questions

Day 122 – We told you so! (Relaxing, my rear end!)

January 22, 2010 0 Comments

Seven Weeks, three days. Day 55 in the quest to chase our little miracle

So i was reading my good friend Kate’s blog (Busted Plumbing – you should go there, always good for a giggle) the other day, and i stumbled upon her post
Katie Says “Put A Sock In It”: (“Relax” Advice Drives Infertiles Crazy), and it got me thinking…

So many times over the past year while i was doing IVF, and even before i was doing IVF, i got the same ‘wonderful’ advice, “just relax cheryl” “just take a holiday”.. blah blah f-in blah… So anyway i didnt relax, no i didnt.. not for a second… My last cycle i was as stressed as i have ever been, maybe even a touch more cause this was our ‘final’ cycle…

And wouldnt you know it – i say it again – i am pregnant… (Ekk! it is scary wonderful exciting when i say it out loud!)

But this is not the story… no no no… my story today is about being told that, yes in fact my family, friends, and strangers from the deep… were in fact correct, all i had to do was relax..

HUH?! you say? But cheryl wasnt relaxed, she just said that she was as stressed as ever?!

Apparently the purchase of a puppy has made me pregnant… or relaxed enough to become pregnant…?!

WOOO hold on a minute, you say… a puppy, weeeeeeeelllll maybe they are correct then, maybe cheryl was distracted enough not to realise that the puppy actually relaxed her enough to make her pregnant?!

WRONG!!!!

I got the puppy on the 28 December…..

2ww begun on the 19 December…

I bleed and thought it was over on the 26 December…

so :p (that is me poking my tongue out at you)

The 2ww was over, and george was implanted BEFORE i got my puppy!

I will maybe accept that my puppy helped me get through the following couple of weeks, and i will definatly accept that my puppy is going to help me through the next 9 months…. But i WILL NOT accept “relaxing” or “being distracted” as a method of falling pregnant!

NO I WILL NOT!!!

I WILL NOT, take your “i told you so’s”, i will not take your whispers to my husband behind my back, and i will not take your “see – all you needed was a distraction” comments… BLAH!

The 2ww was the critical time, and yes i did things differently this time, yes i had more faith then i have ever had, but no, no i am not pregnant due to relaxing…

Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness. Richard Carlson

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: Baby, Beliefs, emotions, hope, miracle, story

Day 120 – I reserve the right not to be reserved

January 20, 2010 0 Comments

Seven Weeks, one day. Day 53 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I was planning to post not only a wordless wednesday, but also i was thinking of blogging about something that rang true to me this morning… But then as i began to write, i began hesitating, i saved the draft and wondered if i should post or or not…

I will post it, but tomorrow…

The point is, lately i have been feeling reserved, like i am not sure where to go from here, or rather i know exactly what to write about, but i am worried about offending everyone… I dont know why i should feel so reserved – especially since i have never cared before, but now, it is like my miracle has come along, and now i am worried that if i write how i feel i will offend the friends i have made along the way to my miracle, or even worse offend my miracle…

I am so confused at the moment about where i stand… I know how all the TTC people feel, i have been there, but i feel like such a hypocrite now saying that it will be ok, cause for me it is ok – isnt it?

I also have my believes and sometimes i think that when i write about them, and my faith, or try to express my feelings i am doing it wrong and i often feel that when i write i am offending the very people i want to learn from… I know i will move past these reservations, and i know that this blog in the end is for me and my miracle, but…

I dont know, i just feel like i need to hold back… or that i am holding back?

There is safety in reserve, but no attraction. One cannot love a reserved person. Jane Austen

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: answers, Baby, Beliefs, Embryo, emotions, journey, miracle, peace, pregnant, questions

Day 118 – They are only fears…

January 18, 2010 0 Comments

Six Weeks, 6 Days. Day 51 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I have been debating whether or not to write this or not, for fear of making my worst nightmares real, but this blog is me – the real me, inside and out, so i am not going to lie, or dismiss something that i am feeling. And I am not sure who my audience is now, who is reading my blog, and i apologize if i offend anyone out there, but i am going to continue writing in the only way i know how… By telling the truth about me.

You know when you have news, really really GREAT news, people are so very excited for you, over the moon, so much so that it brings a tear to their eye? But then, they care so much for you, they try to reassure you that it is going to be ok, even when you never thought it wouldnt?

I have gotten twice now “As long as you make it through the first 12 weeks”

They care, i know they do, they are just being real… and i wont lie, i am scared, i have my fears, but in the end i have to be positive, i have to rebuke my fears and doubts and just believe. I must to have faith, i do have faith…

But this is all so new to me, so exciting, so life defining, everything i ever imagined, how could i not pinch myself, do a double take, want to make sure this is real, and that it is not in my head, and make sure that it will never end?

Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible. Mary McLeod Bethune

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: Baby, Beliefs, Embryo, God, inspiration, journey, miracle, peace, Religion

Day 117 – Just believe

January 17, 2010 0 Comments

Day 50 in the quest to chase our little miracle

To my dearest little miracle,

I never imagined that something so small could bring me so much joy. I never imagined i would feel so much love so early on… But you have, and i do…

For a long time i wasnt allowed to believe you were mine, for so long i was told to proceed with caution, but i have to believe this is it, i have to believe you are in there, your heart beating stronger and stronger each minute, and i believe with all my heart and soul that my little miracle, you will be with me and your father in the spring of 2010.

I may be told to proceed with caution, but i have waited for so long for this moment, for this dream to become reality, i want to cherish every moment of it… And because you fill my heart with a joy i never imagined possible, because i love you so dearly more and more each day, because i believe that you are my miracle, i pray.

I pray each and every day for you, and i will pray for you each day until i hold you in my arms, and even then i wont stop praying for you. I want you to know that you are a miracle, and i want you to believe that no matter how much science can explain your existence, i believe with every ounce of my being, that you are a miracle, sent to me from the Lord above…

Love from a mother that will be…

For those who have love there are always miracles

Filed Under: The Final Cycle, To my miracle Tagged With: Beliefs, Embryo, emotions, God, inspiration, journey, miracle, pregnant, Religion

Day 116 – Opening that cupboard door

January 16, 2010 0 Comments

Day 49 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I do this often, and technically today should be no different to any other morning, but it was. This morning when my alarm went off, for the first time in almost a year, i actually jumped out of bed and looked forward to the day.

For that split second this morning, before the sun had even risen, i was excited to have the whole day ahead of me, i was excited about the future, i was excited to be getting out of bed for a walk, just me, the sunrise, and my tunes… I was finally excited…

And as i walked and watched the sunrise, it was like a door had opened, not a door to another world, but more a door to a cupboard… And in that cupboard held all the things i have been so desperately wanting to think about, but have not been able to, or felt like i was not allowed to… For years now i have been putting all my thoughts about anything baby into that cupboard, and this morning, this morning i got to open it…

I spent an hour and a half just thinking about all the things i wasnt allowed to think about before, i thought about things that i was scared to think about, and as i walked and as i said a quick prayer, i noticed i was crying…

I was crying because i went through hell and back. And i will never ever forget that, i will never forget the feeling that i went through something, something that made me scream, something that made me cry like i never cried before, something that made me feel pain like no one, expect the people who have experienced this, could possibly understand…

I went through hell and back, but because of that i now can have gratitude, love, appreciation, and faith when i open that cupboard door and think about the things i have so desperately wanted to think about… And because of the trials i faced, i can watch the sunrise once more, and be filled with endless hope…

Put your HOPE in God. Psalm 42:22