pain

Day 201 – My toes dont touch the floor…

April 11, 2010 0 Comments

Eighteen Weeks. Five Days. Day 132 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

My toes dont touch the floor…

2004 i started swelling, i had sore joints and for no reason my ankles and feet began swelling… That year i was diagnosed with Lupus.

When we first started talking about a family i learned from the specialist that anti inflammatory medications during pregnancy are a no go…

2008 i stopped taking all medication, and i was fine.

For the first time since 2004 yesterday my feet began swelling, and they didnt stop. By the end of the evening i had no ankles and i my feet looked like two balloons.

And as i lay in bed with my feet raised, i began to worry…

I am only half way there…. What if it gets worse? I knew this might have happened, and i know in a week i will be able to talk to the specialist about it all, but i dont want to go on medications, i really dont. I spent so long getting fit an healthy to avoid putting these medications into my body, i really just wanted to get through this pregnancy without the lupus coming back, getting worse.

I spent the night with my feet up hoping that this morning it would have been better, hoping that it was a one off, hoping that keeping my feet raised would have helped. As i woke up i realised i was wrong. They are less swollen, but my toes still dont touch the floor, my feet are still swollen.

I am trying not to think about the ‘what ifs’ i am trying not to think negatively, but you still have to wonder…

And i am sitting here wondering, why suddenly now? What has suddenly changed? I will try not to think about it, i will wait until next monday to talk to the doctor, but i really hope, and i will pray, that this doesnt hurt my george, that i wont have to go on any medication, that with rest and caution, all will be ok.

I just pray that all will be ok.

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays. Anon

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: answers, appointment, God, pain, questions

Day 189 – The pain doesnt stop hurting

March 30, 2010 0 Comments

Seventeen Weeks. Day 120 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I made a comment to my colleges today as i ate my lunch, and as my eyes filled with tears, and as i got strange looks, i realised that the pain i went through just a short while ago is still so real in my mind.

This morning as i read my updates on twitter, i saw that my good friend Holly was hurting just as i have hurt before. I was reminded of the pain of IVF and just how it never stops, reminded that no matter what happens, no matter how good the news, it still hurts, and there are still so many uncertintys and so much doubt, it never stops hurting.

I honestly wanted to break down, i thought my limbo land was a one off thing, and i thought that i wouldnt have to see it happen to anyone, let alone someone who is my friend, let alone someone i care about, let alone someone who deserves more.

I have said this so many times before, and i said it today in that lunch room, you wouldnt wish IVF or IF on your worst enemy, you woulnt, you couldnt. No one deserves this much pain, no one, it takes your soul away, it takes whatever you had inside of you and reduces it to pain and suffering. Even now, with all the hope in the world, i am crying. I am crying for the pain i see in a friend, and i am crying for the pain i went through to get here, i wish i could take it away, i wish i could take my pain away, and i wish i could take the pain in my dear friend away.

Even now, even with seventeen weeks behind me, with everything in front of me, i still dont understand, i cant understand, why? Yes i learned so much about myself, yes i grew in faith, and yes i am a stronger woman for enduring what i did, but why? Just why?

Dear Lord,

Thank you for the blessings i have received and the little miracles you have shown me over the past year, i pray for continued strength in myself and in my george, and i pray today for courage not only in myself, but for someone who is suffering just as i have suffered before.

Lord, please be with Holly over the next few weeks, please give her the strength she needs, and let her feel your presence with her as she struggles through her fears. I pray that the life inside of my dear friend continues to grow and gain strength each and every day, i pray that her suffering ends and i pray that happiness follows, and that the life inside her shows others that miracles happen and that you are real, and faith is worth holding onto.

Once again i pray for courage, hope, and faith for all the women i know out there who need it most.

I Jesus name i pray,

AMEN.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: answers, emotions, Frustrated, God, hope, pain, peace, prayer

Day 126 – Am i paranoid?

January 26, 2010 0 Comments

Eight weeks Day 59 in the quest to chase our little miracle

What if?

I wish i could get all negatives out of my head, but there seems to be one little thought that is stuck right on in there…

What if?

I am working so hard against my fears and doubts, and i am praying each and everyday for george, but i get a cramp, or back pain, or just a feeling, and, well, my fears return.

I havent done this before, i dont know how i am meant to feel, and i dont know the difference between a good feeling and a bad feeling, i dont know how tired i am meant to be, how hungry i am meant to feel… It is leaving me quite confused!

But am i being paranoid?

I want to be happy… No, no I AM HAPPY, i am the happiest and most excited i have ever been, and i think the paranoia will ease in four weeks, when i get through what has seemingly been labeled the “danger period”

I think the worst thing for me is people saying “just wait until the 12 weeks” “just see what happens”

I dont understand that… I know i am paranoid, but i have right to be – it is my body doing weird things, other people they should just be happy, none of these doubts, or at least not out loud…

I dont know, maybe i am just being silly, maybe i am just tired, maybe this is normal….

All i know is i cant wait to hold my little george in my arms, and i know my husband feels the same, and we just want this to be the most perfect trouble free pregnancy….

A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what’s going on. William S. Burroughs

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: Baby, Beliefs, emotions, Fertility, hope, IVF, journey, miracle, pain, pregnant, questions

Day 111 – Today i dare to hope…

January 11, 2010 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Seventeen… Day 44 in the final quest to chase our little miracle

To my dearest little miracle,

Today i dare to hope, i dare to believe, i dare to have the faith i should always have had.

My little miracle, i tell you no lies, i am scared like i have never been scared before. I want you more than anything on this earth, and today, today i dared to believe that i would have you, that i could have you, that you are really there inside of me growing into the perfect child i know you will be.

Today i imagined that a year from now i would be cherishing a moment with you, i dreamed that my miracle was real, and i shouted it to the world, i dared to hope that my miracle, you would be in my arms by my third wedding anniversary…

Today i put on paper the day, day 44 in my quest for you, day 44 of hope, day 44 of the most confusing roller coaster ride i have ever experienced… But if it means day 44 in the beginning of your life, i dont care, i wont leave this roller coaster ride until i have you safely in my arms…

My miracle once more i hold on to the quote, “when the world shouts ‘give up’… Hope whispers ‘one more time’”… You are my one more time, you are my miracle, you make me believe that all things are possible, and that love holds no boundaries… You are my hope… And i will always love you…

Love from a mother that may never be.

Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep believing, the dream that you wish will come true. Anon

Filed Under: Limbo Land, The Final Cycle, To my miracle Tagged With: answers, Beliefs, God, hope, inspiration, journey, miracle, pain, peace, questions, Religion, Sad

Day 110 – Lost and Confused…

January 10, 2010 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Fifteen

Have you ever looked at yourself and hated what you looked like, hated how you feel, hated what you had become, just hated it? Have you ever felt so lost and confused, so up and down, so many emotions that it makes you so confused that you end up hating yourself?

Have you ever just wanted to curl up and cry, cry away your pain, cry till you couldnt cry anymore, cry and scream like no one was watching, cry until it was all ok, and you got what you wanted?

Have you ever woken up and not known who you are anymore, not known how you got to where you were and not know what you will do now? Woken up and felt like you should just go back to sleep, back to a blank screen, back to where everything is possible, and hope is never taken from you, where dreams are created, and where peace is guaranteed?

Have you ever wondered why this journey is such a roller coaster ride, why it couldnt have been easier, and why you were the once chosen to suffer from this kind of pain? Have you ever just looked out into the sky and wondered when it is exactly that you will get your hope back, when this part of the journey will be over, when this will stop, when you will just be able to forget your woes and smile just because the sky is blue?

Have you ever wondered why yesterday you were ok, and today you are not? Why yesterday you had the peace of mind that no matter the outcome you would be ok, but today you are scared, lost, and so confused you cant even get out of bed?

Have you ever just wanted to turn the switch off?

Have you ever just wanted nothing more than answers, hope in tomorrow, want to like who you are, wanted this pain to stop, and wanted your life to stop being in limbo land.

Have you ever just wanted one thing, one thing that is the thing you never expected that you would have to beg and plead for?

I just want peace and happiness, to have faith in tomorrow, and to know exactly where i stand in this world, so i can begin to find out who i am once more.

Peace is not something you wish for; It’s something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away. Robert Fulghum

Filed Under: Have you ever?, Limbo Land, The Final Cycle Tagged With: angry, answers, emotions, Fertility, journey, pain, peace, pregnant, questions, Religion, Sad

Day 109 – Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst

January 9, 2010 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Fourteen

There comes a point i think when one just must go on… Decide that whatever will be will be, because in the end there is nothing you can do, no way that you can change things, nothing that you can do to physicality change the outcome…

I know that if the outcome of this waiting, of this limbo land, is negative, i will be devistated, there is nothing i can do for myself to change that. But in saying that, i can act now to help myself pick myself up again. And that is what i am doing.

I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

Yesterday and last night my boobs stoped hurting,and my husband even commented that they had shrunk, and i know in reality this means that the HCG hormone levels must have dropped. I want to hope and i want to believe that this may still be my miracle, and after yesterday i will never stop believing in miracles, and i will try my hardest not to doubt Gods plan, but i am a realist, and i am not naive, i know that on monday my blood work will have confirmed the enevadible.

It is funny because last week, all i wanted was for my levels to drop and this to be over… I prayed that my boobs would stop hurting and that i could just go back to normaility… But after i saw that ultrasound, after i saw just an ounce of hope, it was like my world changed, and i wanted the levels to stay, i wanted my boobs to hurt….

On thursday i said i needed a miracle to go on, i saw one on friday, and today on saturday even though the outcome looks bleak, because i got the miracle i asked for, i know in my heart that it will be okay, and that the future is what it is and i cant change it, i just have to find enough faith and courage inside of me, and know that i will be ok, and one day, one day, i will hold my miracle, and know that it truly was a miracle…

We can only appreciate the miracle of a sunrise if we have waited in the darkness

Filed Under: Limbo Land, The Final Cycle Tagged With: Beliefs, Frustrated, God, hope, hormones, inspiration, journey, miracle, pain, ultrasound

Day 107 – Faith isnt faith until it is all you are holding on to…

January 7, 2010 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Twelve

I have lost hope, and i have lost my spirit, all i constantly think, is i cant take this anymore, i dont understand the pain, and i dont understand why so many people have to go through this and worse, and i hate the fact that going through this has made me bitter, that it has changed me, that i have lost my carefree spirit, i hate all those things and much much more…

I have to have faith i keep telling myself, i have to believe in miracles, i have to believe i will be ok… That for some stupid reason there is purpose to my pain…

But when will i be ok? When does it stop hurting? When and how does my mind turn from i hate this, to i believe, from i cant focus on anything else, to i have complete faith?

When will i stop crying myself to sleep?

I want to have faith, but it hurts

I want to be ok, but im not

I want to believe, but all i see is suffering

I need a miracle

I need to see something that will once more make me believe that there is something wonderful out there, a reason, a purpose, something for me to have hope for, something for me to live for.

I need a miracle

I know deep down i want nothing more than to have complete and utter faith… Faith that i will get over this, faith that my life will go on for the next six months without me questioning my decisions, faith that my relationship will be ok, faith that i will be ok, faith that i will find hope again, faith that my lost spirit will come back to me, faith that i will one day look at myself and like who i see, faith that there are options, and more than anything i want faith that i will one day feel my own child growing inside of me…

But its so hard, it is just so hard…

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and Hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Filed Under: Limbo Land, The Final Cycle Tagged With: angry, answers, Baby, Beliefs, emotions, Fertility, Frustrated, God, hurt, pain, peace, questions, Sad

Day 106 – Yet another Wordfull Wordless Wednesday

January 6, 2010 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Eleven

Nine days ago, i was okay with this, i was ready to go beyond IVF, i was ready to accept life without TTC for a little while. My sketch of hope, faith and love, of my life beyond this mess, gave me the inspiration i needed, i drew this last week when i had finally accepted that this was over…

But now today, all i can do is question why it had to be like this. And again ask where are you God? Where are you now? How can i possibly continue to have faith, to believe in miracles, when they are given to me and taken away… A dear dear friend of mine told me that God is not in the business of taking babies, he is in the business of making babies… Then why oh why am i going through this again? What have i done to deserve this and why must i hurt like this again…?

Maybe i am counting my chickens before they hatch, maybe i have lost faith too early… but how can i not, how can i possibly have hope when all the signs are bad, when i am once again in so much pain?

This is the hardest thing i have ever had to write, because i know that i will be told that it is not true, but no matter what you say, no matter what i am told, i will never ever forgive myself …

If i could go back in time, if i could take myself back a week, i would be able to stop myself from going for that run, and from doing that heavy workout, and maybe just maybe this woulnt have happened, maybe i would be sitting here writing how my life is so much better, how i am the happiest lady on the earth, but i am not, i am not because i made a mistake, i was scared a week ago, now i feel nothing but guilt.

I wish i knew why this was happening to me, and i wish i had answers, its not fair, it is just not fair, and no matter what i do, no matter how much i have faith, how much i believe, no matter how much i love God, and be the best i can be in Gods eyes, for some reason it is not enough, it is not meant to be, it is not my time…

I know i am headed beyond IVF and i have so much to look forward to, but for just one last time, i say – WHY ME? Why God are you taking this away from me, and why are you making this so hard for me?

And one last time i say grasping for one last breath of hope- maybe the chickens have been counted before they have hatched…

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be. Anon

Filed Under: After IVF, Limbo Land, The Final Cycle, Wordless Wednesday Tagged With: angry, answers, Beliefs, emotions, IVF, pain, period, pregnant, questions, Religion, run, Sad, story

Day 105 – Questions with no answers in an unfair world…

January 5, 2010 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Ten

I just want this over. I want my final cry and i want to get on with my life. I dont care anymore. No matter how much i pray, no matter how much i scream, no matter how much i wish, and no matter how much i cry out to the Lord for a miracle, no matter how much i chase this… It only hurts more.

I want to say that i am angry, i want to hate this world and what it puts us through, i want to blame someone, i want to punch something, and most of all i want to hate God – but i cant… I just cant because i am over it, i am honestly just over it, i dont want to do this anymore – I WANT OUT!

Dont get me wrong… I want a child more than anything else on this earth, but more than that, i want to be whole. I want my life back, i want to wake up in the morning and have hope, i want to wake up to a schedule, i want to wake up and be proud of myself and what i have achieved, i want nothing more on this earth than to be happy, and this not knowing, this limbo land, this maybe maybe not… It makes me say over and over and over again I WANT OUT!

I want to run away my pain, i want to wake up and think, ok this is the plan, this is who i am and what i am going to achieve this year.. but i cant because i am stuck, i am stuck in limbo land waiting the worst wait of my life.

To my dearest little miracle,

Are you there? Your mother and father need to know what is happening, as much as we love you, we cant do this anymore. We are hurting from places even deeper than the places we never thought we could hurt, and we need to grieve, but we cant because there are no definite answers. I need to know, we need to know where you are, if you are there?

My little one, we still love you, and still hope for this miracle, i pray for this miracle to be a true miracle, where the unexpected and unexplained happens…

My Dearest little miracle if you are still there be strong and show yourself… Show yourself in all your beauty…

Love from a mother that may never be.

Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow. Dorothy Thompson

Filed Under: After IVF, Limbo Land, The Final Cycle, To my miracle Tagged With: answers, Embryo, emotions, Fertility, Frustrated, God, hope, hormones, hurt, IVF, journey, pain, peace

Day Ninety Eight of 100 – I have forgotten…

December 29, 2009 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Three

How can i say it is over?

How can i say that i am am giving up?

How can i say that this is it?

I dont know. But i know in my heart that i cant do this anymore. Yesterday three words came out of my husbands mouth that i never expected him to say. “i am over it” and when he said those words all i could think was, so am i, so am i.

I want a child more than words will ever say, i want to be a mother, and i want to experience what i may never experience, but after four failed IUI’s, after another four failed IVF rounds, my heart is broken, and i just cant take this pain anymore. I need time for myself because i have forgotten who i am, i have forgotten what i like, what it feels like to be carefree, and i have forgotten why i am alive, and what i am living for.

I have forgotten how to live without being so obsessed with TTC, IUI’s or IVF, i have forgotten what it is like not to worry or have false hope, and i have forgotten how to live without a plan.

I have forgotten how to have sex without worrying about if it is the right time, or if the sperm is good quality, i have forgotten what it is like to be spontaneous and not feel like i have to stick my legs up in the air, wait for 15 minutes, dont do this, do that, turn this was, or that way…

I have forgotten how much i love to exercise, to run, to just escape in a pool of sweat, making myself work so hard it hurts, spending an hour listening to MY favorite songs, i have forgotten how much i love having just one hour for myself in my own little world.

I have forgotten what it is to live a life without a plan, without watching every penny, without worrying what is happening next month or next week, i have forgotten how to just live, to say yes to a night out with the girls, or to say yes to a holiday in 4 months.

I have forgotten what it is like to say yes to a glass of wine with dinner, to say yes to the soft cheese, and to say yes to playing a game a football with the family.

I have forgotten what it is like to have spintaious, concern and thought free fun…

I HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO LIVE.

And in forgetting how to live, i have forgotten who i really am.

I keep wondering what i do now, i keep thinking i cannot give up, that i am weak for not going on. But i cant right now, i need to find me, i need to live a life.

For if i dont stop, if i dont find myself once more, i will lose everything i have, and every part of who i was, and who i am, and if i am not who i am – how can i possibly be a mother?

Life is what you make of it. Always has been, always will be. Grandma Moses