I made a comment to my colleges today as i ate my lunch, and as my eyes filled with tears, and as i got strange looks, i realised that the pain i went through just a short while ago is still so real in my mind.

This morning as i read my updates on twitter, i saw that my good friend Holly was hurting just as i have hurt before.  I was reminded of the pain of IVF and just how it never stops, reminded that no matter what happens, no matter how good the news, it still hurts, and there are still so many uncertintys and so much doubt, it never stops hurting.

I honestly wanted to break down, i thought my limbo land was a one off thing, and i thought that i wouldnt have to see it happen to anyone, let alone someone who is my friend, let alone someone i care about, let alone someone who deserves more.

I have said this so many times before, and i said it today in that lunch room, you wouldnt wish IVF or IF on your worst enemy, you woulnt, you couldnt.  No one deserves this much pain, no one, it takes your soul away, it takes whatever you had inside of you and reduces it to pain and suffering.  Even now, with all the hope in the world, i am crying.  I am crying for the pain i see in a friend, and i am crying for the pain i went through to get here, i wish i could take it away, i wish i could take my pain away, and i wish i could take the pain in my dear friend away.

Even now, even with seventeen weeks behind me, with everything in front of me, i still dont understand, i cant understand, why?  Yes i learned so much about myself, yes i grew in faith, and yes i am a stronger woman for enduring what i did, but why? Just why?

Dear Lord,

Thank you for the blessings i have received and the little miracles you have shown me over the past year, i pray for continued strength in myself and in my george, and i pray today for courage not only in myself, but for someone who is suffering just as i have suffered before.

Lord, please be with Holly over the next few weeks, please give her the strength she needs, and let her feel your presence with her as she struggles through her fears.  I pray that the life inside of my dear friend continues to grow and gain strength each and every day, i pray that her suffering ends and i pray that happiness follows, and that the life inside her shows others that miracles happen and that you are real, and faith is worth holding onto.

Once again i pray for courage, hope, and faith for all the women i know out there who need it most.

I  Jesus name i pray,

AMEN.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

When the storm clouds cover ever ounce of hope you have left, when you are in deeper than you have ever been before, when nothing makes sense, and everything is against you, remember these three things:

1. Courage - The quality of mind that enables a person to face difficulty without fear and with bravery.
2. Love - knowing that no matter how dark your cloud, no matter how heavy your heart, no matter what, love will get you though.  There is a man on the other side of the bed who will stick by you no matter what happens. And,
3. Hope - Nothing can be done without hope.  For I know then plans I have for you, says the Lord.  They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and hope.  Jeremiah 29:11

Faith is knowing that the the sun has risen even when the clouds cover every ray of light.

Guess what? It's a give away! WOOT!

And i might just add, my first!  But what could it possibly be? Well my friends it is an awesome and funky T-shirt, and today i have two to give away! Yes that is right, one t-shirt each to the two most awesomeness people who read this blog

So what is the funky t-shirt design?

Has anyone ever told you to just relax?  And you just wanted to say:

The t-shirts are plain black, with white text, and dont worry, i have a variety of sizes to give away!

The back of the t-shirts have a small design:

So would you like a t-shirt? Its easy! All you have to do is post a comment below

1. Log in in using your twitter account (select the log in drop down box, and choose my twitter account, allow the application to connect to you twitter account)
2. Share it with your twitter friends (select the share drop down box and select my twitter followers)
3. Post your comment, and tell me what has been your favorite blog post so far (if you need a catch up, check out the archives)
4. Re Tweet this post

The two winners will be chosen next sunday 7th March (aussie time!).  Make sure you are following me on twitter so as i can find you!

Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile. Albert Einstein

To my dearest little miracle,

I am sitting here with the cool air on my face, the puppy asleep on my legs, looking at the images of your face from your scan last week.

My own amazement overwhelms me, and i know by the time you are reading my letters, technology will have progressed and my scans will be ancient, but right now, i dont care, the emotions that i feel thinking of the day in six months times when i meet you, well those emotions will never change, no matter how much the world progresses.

I wonder what colour hair you'll have, and i wonder what colour eyes.  I wonder if you will be short or tall, and i wonder if your a boy or a girl... But i also sit here and know that none of that matters, so long and you are happy and healthy, and so long as you are mine...

I cant help but dream of your first day of school, what sport you'll want to play, the times you will cry, and the times you will laugh.  I cant wait to see your first smile, your first tooth, your first step, your first fall, and i cant wait to see your father pick you up in your tears to hold and love you unconditionally.

Nothing can compare to this, nothing will ever compare to the emotions i feel toward you looking at your little face, your little hand, and your little feet... Nothing.  And no matter what happens from this day forth, George, i will always love you.

Love from a mother that will be.

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln

To my dearest little miracle,

I wrote you a letter.  150 days ago i began by writing you a letter.  I honestly didnt think that you would ever read that letter, i thought that it would be a way to help me through my grief.  I thought that if i wrote you a letter, if i wrote down how i was feeling, then i might be able to get through my hardship with a little less tears.  I never thought that i would be sitting in my lounge room 150 days later, writing a letter to someone that is really alive.

In three sleeps, in just four days, i will meet you my miracle, your father and i will look on the screen and see your perfectly formed body, we will see you, in more than just 'blob' form.

My miracle, just the thought of you in there, fills me with such joy, with such anticipation for september, it is hard to express just how much you mean to me.  I write you this letter today, knowing that no more are you a fantasy, no more are you a figment of my imagination, no more are you a dream to aspire to, you are alive, and you are ours.

I pray each day that the lord blesses you with health and happiness, i pray each day for your saftey in there, and i pray that i can nurture you in the best way that i know how.   I want nothing more than to wake up next wednesday mroning, knowing that you are a happy healthy little baby, growing perfectly, just as a true miracle should.

I know that i have said that i am scared, and i know that i have said that i have fear, but today i choose to have faith and believe that the Lord who blessed me with a miracle, will too bless me with nothing but a beautiful child formed in his image.

I have grown to love you my tiny miracle, and i will continue to grow in loving you each and every second until the day i meet you, and even then, it will not stop.

Stay strong, and no matter what, always remember, that i am your mother, and you are my miracle.

Love from a mother that will be.

Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof. Kahlil Gibran

This will stay in my heart for an eternity...

Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. Amy Bloom

I am not a dreamer, i am a believer...

I believe in my future and i believe in myself, but i am not a dreamer...

I have never really been a dreamer, i am not talking about the dream of my life, and i am not talking about "i dreamed a dream" nope i am simply talking about dreams.  I am not a dreamer.

Each day i wake fresh, with no memories of dreams, ever, never...

Until about a fortnight ago... Now i am a dreamer... and just quietly, it is freaking me out.

I now wake with vivid memories of endless dreams, dreams that i assume mean nothing, but dreams that make me think of things i never thought about before.

Strange disconnected, unrealistic dreams about people i have never meet, people i have meet in passing, people i may never meet...  About places i have never been, places i once travelled in my youth, places that may not even exist.

For a person who has never been a dreamer before, these experiences each night are strange and imprint weird thoughts and memories into my mind, they make me think about my subconsious and why i have these thoughts in my head.

Dreams confuse me to say the least.

Has my child made me a dreamer? Will the dreams become stranger, or more realistic, and do they mean anything?  Right now to me my dreams are meaningless yet so puzzeling i want to understand them....

But i know that i may never know what my dreams mean, let alone understand them, or control them...

So for now i am a dreamer....

You see things; and you say, "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?" George Bernard Shaw

I have to admit that i have been a little uninspired lately, and i am feeling that my lil ol blog is lacking in a little laughter, and fun...

You see, i must tell you that blogging every day has become quite the challenge, not that i am not up for the challenge, and i tell you i will be persevering and continuing on, but at the moment, you must understand, i am just so exhausted.

Have you ever felt so tired after a very long day, gone to bed and woke up and still felt as tired?  Add in a little 'car sickness' and you have my not so me mind at the moment...

Pure exhaustion, it'll do funny things to you, and make you do funny things in return

I am told that this will pass and in a few weeks i will be right as rein, back to bubbly lil ol me....

But until then...

And please keep reading, as i chase my little miracle....

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. Mahatma Gandhi

You would think that once you are pregnant the anxiety goes away, wouldnt you?

You would think that by now i would be certain that things are ok, that everything is progressing as it should be, and you would think by now that i could just go with the flow and know in my heart that this is meant to be and will be...

You would think.

But, in my case, nope....

Some days are better than others, but today i am not nauseous, and instead of celebrating and enjoying the moment, i am worried.  I shouldnt be worried, i am quite sure this is normal, but there is that tiny incy wincy voice that always says "what if"...

99.9% of the time i am able to stop the fear, pray it away, feel fine in the knowledge that God has given my a miracle, and will look after me and George... but you know... just that 0.1% niggles away...

I hope it gets easier, i hope that i will be able to put my fears aside...  But am i holding out for something that may never come?

There are so many emotions that i am feeling today, and another little part of me wonders if that is just the hormones playing tricks on me....

Is this the way it is for everyone? Or for first timers at least? And will i find peace shortly?

We seek peace, knowing that peace is the climate of freedom. Dwight D. Eisenhower

So i have been pondering, when is a life a life?

This is such a controversial topic, but i was thinking about it, and it has been on my mind all day.  Maybe i am the wrong person to be writing about this, and maybe i shouldnt write something so controversial on my blog, but well, i was thinking about it, and after all it is my blog...

I know everyone has their own opinion, and i know that everyone has the right to believe what they want to believe, and to see life as they want to see it, but in your opinion - when is a life a life?

You see i never really contemplated this in such depth and after all i have been through, i think i might have a stronger opinion than some, i mean, i am one of the lucky ones, i have seen a life grow, and i really believe that at the point of a heartbeat, at 6 1/2 weeks, that, that there is a life...

How could it not be? A life begins and ends with a heartbeat...  How can something with a heartbeat not be a life?  But again, this is what i believe, and i have been through so much more than others.

I know it is all personal, and as i just mentioned everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but it is one of those topics that i find interesting, and like most topics ones opinion comes only from experience.  If you have never been in a situation like i have, then i guess the preciousness of life may not be as greatly appreciated...  But then again, that too is my opinion.

I base my thoughts on the fact that have seem my uterus, i have seen something inside of me go from nothing to something, i have witnessed the true beginning of a life, then seen it grow.  So i know what happens, i know that there is a life with a beating heart... That and what i have been through, that makes it all too real for me.

I do though accept that for some people, a life is not a life as early as i believe.  I have to accept that for some people a life is not thought about as a life, but as something more scientific, or maybe not even contemplated, so i am asking you...

When is a life a life?

The most beautiful thing we can experience in life is the mysterious. Albert Einstein

Imagine you are at the airport about to walk through the gates on to a plane that is taking you on the most exciting adventure, you turn around and there are your friends standing there waving you good bye, they cant come with you, you know that you may see them again, but for now, you must say good bye...

For nearly a year i went to the Life Fertility Clinic, nearly twice a week, each week, always being greeted by the same smiling faces, always being cared for by the most caring people.  Each time i walked into that clinic i felt like i was loved, like someone cared enough to remember my name.

A year ago they were strangers to me, but on friday as i went down the elevator for the last time, i felt empty, like i was walking away from friends.  I felt like i had come all this way, i was now ready for my grand adventure, but all my friends, all the people that stood by me through the toughest time, the people that took my calls even when they were too busy to, the people that shared most of my joys and most of my sadness, well that was it, they were there waving my good bye, wishing me well on my grand adventure.

I know it must sound just that little bit silly, growing attached to the staff at the clinic, but, well... It is true.  They were the ones that were there for me when i thought all hope was lost.  And they were the ones that helped my miracle come true, with out them, i may not be where i am right now.  If i hadnt had that support, if i didnt get the follow up calls, if i didnt have smiling faces each time i went to the clinic, maybe i wouldnt have gone on....Maybe i would have given up the many times i thought i wanted to.

So here i am now, sitting on the plane, waiting for my adventure to begin.  I cant wait for the plane to land, yet i am still sad that my friends cant come along with me.

Maybe one day i will return, and my friends will once again be there for me....  But until then, i will hold a special place in my heart for each and everyone of them.

Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends. Anon

To my dearest little miracle,

As i have told you on many occasions before, the year of 2009 was one of the hardest years of my life, and it was hard for reasons other than my journey chasing you.

Last year the man we all knew as Opie, my mothers father, your great grandfather, left this world to be with his daughter.

I am ok, we are all ok, but it doesnt make us miss him any less, most of the time i remember him in passing, latley a little more because your cousin Charlie, well he riminds me in a beautiful way, just how special Opie was to us... And this morning almost out of the blue i received an email which made me think just a little bit more of him, and for a brief moment a wave of sadness washed over me knowing that you would never get to know Opie.

Our Opie was one of the most treasured people i have ever know, he had the kindest spirit, and was by far the most treasureable grandfather of all, and most importantly he was my mothers father, your grandmothers father.

The thing that brings a tear to my eye right now, is the thought that you, my miracle, will never get that chance to meet him, nor will you ever get the chance to meet his daughter, my mother.

If i had one wish for you, it would be that my family and i will be able to share with you the many memories we have of both my mother and Opie, and that you will grow up knowing that you have the most wonderful family.  I pray that even though you will never have the opportunity to meet them,you will know that they are a part of you, and that i will ensure that you know just how much they influenced my life, and thus your life too.

My miracle, you will meet many people in your life, but know that sometimes it is the people who you never knew, or will never know, that are the biggest influence on your life, and that mean the most in the place that matters the most; your heart.

Love from a mother that will be

Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. Kevin Arnold

Argh! I swore ages ago that when i fell pregnant, i wouldnt over eat and i would make sure that i kept up my healthy lifestyle... But i tell you it is hard!

For the last three years i have chosen to have a very healthy diet, where my calories were limited to about 1200 a day... Now i am not trying to stick to that, nope not at all, but i thought that i could continue the way i used to eat at least for the first little while... Nope - WRONG!

I am HUNGRY!  And i know it is my body just using the energy it needs... But still, it is like i cant get full... And not feeling well as well just makes it harder and harder to know what to eat, and when to eat it!

I am eating fruit - 2 pieces a day, plus breakfast, plus a large salad for lunch, then a huge dinner, but still - HUNGRY! I ate tea a half hour ago, well ok, maybe an hour ago, and i am starving again....

I really wish there was like a strict diet plan for pregnancy, where you were told what to eat and when to eat it, that is what i am used to see, my personal trainer used to give me a chart of what to eat and at what time to eat it... Call me silly or insane, but that is what i am used to - and it worked for me, i was never hungry, and i always knew what to eat and when to eat it, and i always knew i was treating my body correctly... Now, well as you can see i am just confused... silly really...

It makes me wonder if it is meant to be like this?  Or if my brain is playing tricks on me?

Sanity in a world of insanity is insane

Have you every just felt so tired that nothing makes sense and everything is just goes into the 'to hard basket'?

That is me...

Too hard today... It is all too hard...

I was feeling upset because no one understood, i was feeling misunderstood, and like everyone was against me, like no one could possibly get what i went through or why the decisions i was trying to make were so hard for me to make.  I felt like everyone was being so hypocritical...

But then i realized how tired i was, and that pressuring myself to make a decision RIGHT now was not helping me or George...  i decided that i just needed time for myself to think it through, to decide what i really want, to be more informed in my decision...

So today, i leave it there...

Love is what makes you smile when you're tired. Anon

I was planning to post not only a wordless wednesday, but also i was thinking of blogging about something that rang true to me this morning... But then as i began to write, i began hesitating, i saved the draft and wondered if i should post or or not...

I will post it, but tomorrow...

The point is, lately i have been feeling reserved, like i am not sure where to go from here, or rather i know exactly what to write about, but i am worried about offending everyone... I dont know why i should feel so reserved - especially since i have never cared before, but now, it is like my miracle has come along, and now i am worried that if i write how i feel i will offend the friends i have made along the way to my miracle, or even worse offend my miracle...

I am so confused at the moment about where i stand... I know how all the TTC people feel, i have been there, but i feel like such a hypocrite now saying that it will be ok, cause for me it is ok - isnt it?

I also have my believes and sometimes i think that when i write about them, and my faith, or try to express my feelings  i am doing it wrong and i often feel that when i write i am offending the very people i want to learn from... I know i will move past these reservations, and i know that this blog in the end is for me and my miracle, but...

I dont know, i just feel like i need to hold back... or that i am holding back?

There is safety in reserve, but no attraction. One cannot love a reserved person. Jane Austen