Nine days ago, i was okay with this, i was ready to go beyond IVF, i was ready to accept life without TTC for a little while.  My sketch of hope, faith and love, of my life beyond this mess, gave me the inspiration i needed, i drew this last week when i had finally accepted that this was over...

But now today, all i can do is question why it had to be like this.  And again ask where are you God? Where are you now?  How can i possibly continue to have faith, to believe in miracles, when they are given to me and taken away... A dear dear friend of mine told me that God is not in the business of taking babies, he is in the business of making babies... Then why oh why am i going through this again?  What have i done to deserve this and why must i hurt like this again...?

Maybe i am counting my chickens before they hatch, maybe i have lost faith too early... but how can i not, how can i possibly have hope when all the signs are bad, when i am once again in so much pain?

This is the hardest thing i have ever had to write, because i know that i will be told that it is not true, but no matter what you say, no matter what i am told, i will never ever forgive myself ...

If i could go back in time, if i could take myself back a week, i would be able to stop myself from going for that run, and from doing that heavy workout, and maybe just maybe this woulnt have happened, maybe i would be sitting here writing how my life is so much better, how i am the happiest lady on the earth, but i am not, i am not because i made a mistake, i was scared a week ago, now i feel nothing but guilt.

I wish i knew why this was happening to me, and i wish i had answers, its not fair, it is just not fair, and no matter what i do, no matter how much i have faith, how much i believe, no matter how much i love God, and be the best i can be in Gods eyes, for some reason it is not enough, it is not meant to be, it is not my time...

I know i am headed beyond IVF and i have so much to look forward to, but for just one last time, i say - WHY ME? Why God are you taking this away from me, and why are you making this so hard for me?

And one last time i say grasping for one last breath of hope- maybe the chickens have been counted before they have hatched...

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be. Anon

So your infertile...  For me it came as a surprise, i had normal periods during high school, went on the pill at 17, then stopped taking the pill nearly 10 years later.  I honestly thought i would get a period a month later.  But nothing, nada, neinte, not even a spot, a cramp, or the slightest hint of anything premenstrual...

Suddenly, almost overnight, my husband and i were thrown into the world of infertility and everything it has the pleasure of offering. Almost as soon as we had decided to go ahead with the IUI's and attempt to defeat my stubborn ovaries, almost everyone we had mentioned it to suddenly became experts, they suddenly became more educated in infertility then my doctor....

Family, friends, friends of family, long long lost uncle bert, suddenly had a friend of a friend, or a  cousin's sister's mother's best friend who also went through this, or is going through this, but they did it this way and that way, and you shouldn't do this, you shouldn't do that...

I had so many people ask me have you researched, have you thought about the costs, can you even afford a child, what if you just waited a year or so....

As we progressed along this year, it seems that every one in my life also progressed - they progressed from a diploma to a degree, to a masters degree in infertility!  Now more hurtful comments came along, dont you think your just being impatient or never mind that it didnt work - there is always next month.  My so called best friend (now ex best friend) said to on one occasion - i hope you dont fall pregnant this time, so we can fall pregnant together, or something along the lines of that, can you believe it!

Besides comments like you should eat this and that, excersise less, sleep more, stop doing this or that, or of my favorite of all comments which i have gotten on more than one occasion is - you just need to take a holiday and relax... NO NO I DON"T! Dont you people understand? Just going on a holiday wont make me pregnant! I AM INFERTILE - you have to actually ovulate if you want to fall pregnant, and I DONT OVULATE - get it through your thick heads, if you dont ovulate than no matter how much S-E-X you have, whether it be on holidays or at home, stressed or relaxed, upside down, doggy style, or upside down with your legs crossed... if you do not ovulate, than there is no egg for the sperm to get to, and thus no baby... HUMPH

Now this was all during the IUI's... So you can imagine, and those of you who are also infertile - i know that you know what i am talking about, you can imagine the doctors that came out of nowhere when we decided to do the IVF, and not only the doctors this time, but the psyciatrists as well!

Dont get me wrong here, i have an AMAZING support network who i couldnt live without , most of my family and friends now understand, or try to understand what we are going through, but it is the other people, the ones who arnt close enough to understand, the ones you havent really told and that dont really know what is going on but assume to know, and assume to be the experts now...

They are the ones who now give me the hebe-jebies when they tell me to 'take a break' or see their friend who is unqualified but apparently 'an expert', or to just get over it and suddenly stop wanting children, or my ABSOLOUTE favorite:-

YOU JUST NEED TO STOP STRESSING...

You know what, maybe stopping stressing and just relaxing may help, maybe, but honestly - TELL ME HOW THE HELL TO DO THAT?

I was pondering the thought this morning of a holiday... But what if it doesnt work and i waste my holiday moping, what if i cant find a blood center and cant get my blood taken, what if it does work and i have wasted our money on a holiday, what about work, no i cant take time of work because i have taken to much time for doctors appointments... No, no holiday it is just not practical.

So once again i am back to where i started, not pregnant, not worried or stressed, and definatly not hopeless - we have a plan of attack, we have some money, but we are still being told to take a break, to give up, to talk to this person, to stand on our heads, to go on a holiday, and most frequently TO STOP STRESSING...

OKAY OKAY OKAY... We understand... the MAGIC stalk is coming tonight to leave our baby on our door step...

Alright already - i'm sorry, i get it, i really do get it, they LOVE us and that is why they tell us what to do.  But please, let the doctor do her job, after all if you were a fetility expret i would be paying you the big bucks

"When dealing with people remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion" Dale Carnegie

So today it starts, my first appointment was this afternoon, my second cycle begins...  I am just so excited i could burst!

So with 97 days in the count, and my second cycle on its way, i finally give you some of the finer details of my story.

September / October 2008 - Stop taking contraception, no period.

December - January 2009/2009 - Hmm still no period, and many many many negative pregnancy tests

February 2009 - STILL no period, this is weird. GP appointment, internal scans, blood tests.  Results of blood test came back with low FSH and LH levels, my GP then referred me to a gyno.  I actually thought it was just going to be a gyno gyno, not a fertility clinic!

March 2009 - Imagine my surprise when i rocked up at the gyno and it was a fertility clinic!

March 2009 - Meet my fabulous and caring Dr J. (or so i reckon anyway!) Had a few scans, which basically confirmed that i had poly cystic ovareries, which to this date i still dont fully understand, all i know is that i dont ovulate. Dr J. suggested we use clomid, and go with IUI's (intrauterine insemination) for the best possible outcome.

April 2009 - First IUI, first two week wait, lots and lots of praying.  No pregnancy, but on the positive side, my first period in more than 6 months! And who gets pregnant the first month they try anyway?

May 2009 - Second IUI, second two week wait, i even believe i had a little bit of anxiety. But no pregnancy we continue on, but this time, the clomid didnt work, and i had used FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) injections to get me to the point of ovulation.  So my third cycle begun with a double dose of the clomid.

June 2009 - The double dose of clomid didnt work, so back onto the FSH, because of the poly cystic ovaries and my resistance to the drugs, it was becoming harder and harder to stimulate just one to two follicles.  But we got there and went for our third IUI.  At this point the Dr had mentioned that we should think about IVF as this would give us a better outcome, we wern't ready to go there and were still hoping against hope that the IUI's would work.  But it didn't.

July 2009 - Got reffered to get my tubes tested, i forget the name of the test, but my tubes are fine, and the reffering doctor suggested that IUI's were the best way to go.  So we decided to give the IUI's one more chance, again my body became more resilient to the hormones, and it took 20 days to stimulate the follicle, the Dr at this point told us that if it doesnt work we should really consider doing an IVF cycle, so we went  to the IVF meeting with the clinic nurses.

August 2009 - Fourth IUI failed, no surprises there.  So here we go, a fully stimulated IVF cycle....

"When I look back at where I’ve been, I see that what I am becoming is a whole lot further down the road from where I was."  Gloria Guithes

I can tell you that now that i have put it on paper, i am a whole lot further along the road from where i was, it has been hard, and i often ponder the thought that i went to see the doctor too soon, maybe i would have ovulated by my own, maybe maybe maybe.  But then again, logic says that my ovaries are stuffed, and they need help.  So here we are, tomorrow is another day, and another post, and for now i'm off and will continue my story then...