Everything in life has its ups and downs, i definitely wont deny that. And i cant deny that everything in life sometimes makes us scared... I thought i was over reacting and that if i just saw the doctor i would be reassured and sent home. I was almost too embarrassed to call, and i almost convinced myself that i was being silly, but this time i am glad i did call, and i am glad that i got over my shame and saw the doctor, for once in my life i made the right call.

Like everything else on this journey it is uncertain what is going to happen, what may or may not be. And like everything else on this journey there are so many varied outcomes, so many explanations, so many people telling me a multitude of information, i have no idea - i honestly don't understand.

But i do know that this morning at 5am when i wrote these words, it hurt, and the doctors have said that i may or may not go into labor in the coming days or weeks, and again all i can do is 'wait and see' 'wait and see'.

In the hours to come there will be more tests, more poking and more prodding and hopefully some answers - but for the moment i will lie back down pull my bed socks up hold my hands together and pray for this little cheeky miracle of mine.

Sometimes in life all we can do it hold onto hope and faith, and wait and see...

And so today began The Adventures of GB...

That is the adventures of Georges bedroom, and well it really began last week with the excitement of buying furniture, but this week i put my working boots on chose some colours, and got cleaning.

And while i didnt get very far, it is a start, and at least i have started early enough to give myself plenty of time to do little bit by little bit, change my mind, then rush to the finish line!

So let me take a moment to formally introduce you to the space... (excuse the mess) (To enlarge any of the images, simply click on them )

Basic Floor Plan (Not to scale)

Wall A

Wall B (curtains are going - you can let out a sigh of relief now)

Wall C (Yup the shelves are going too)

Wall D (i am thinking of painting the doors)

Thats the space i have to work with, not a lot, but it is all we have!

So... PART ONE:

Purchase furniture - Check!

This is the set we chose, however in white.  We chose white as our floors are quite dark and we wanted to lighten up the space, and make it look as open and fresh as possible.

Select Colours - Check!

These are the colours at the moment, we purchased the border, and at this stage i am contemplating painting below the border in green, and above in pale beige, skirting and architraves in high gloss white, and cupbord doors in the beige - maybe.  At this point i am unsure if the border will stick to the cupboard doors / if i will have enough border for the cupboard doors... Thoughts? Should the border run over over the cupboard doors? Should the doors be two tone? Or leave them plain beige?

Of course the colour selection is pending on receiving sample pots and testing the colours against the boarder.

Purchase some cute accessories - Check! (Yer, maybe a little early - BUT I COULDN'T RESIST!)

A sheet and blanket set

A matching "snuggle buddy"

Plus a cute and soft elephant from ikea (Ohhh, how i love ikea, i could get lost and never be found again in there)

Figure out some storage solution - Check!

Hideously ugly, but it works, and it works well... Again - Ikea what would i do without your cheap solutions?

Lastly in part one...

Adding a little something special - Check!

This is a present i gave to  my Opie in 2005 for his birthday.  When i asked him what he would like he answered "Just a Smile" so i gave him just a smile... Something that i will always cherish, and a reminder for my george of the opie she will never know.

AHHH! I love this part, decorating that is... I cant wait to get stuck into the rest, it is going to be hard work, and i noticed today, i just dont have the staminar i used to have (that also could have been the 7km walk i did before i even started cleaning!) but it will get done, and it will look amazing, i just know it!

Sometimes it is the simplicity in things that bring us the greatest joy.

Keep an eye out for The Adventures of GB, Stage Two!

I am not normally the one to post pictures, but as i looked at the calendar and as i looked down at my belly, i realised just how far i have come....  It is wordless to me... I have a 13cm little one in my belly!

Who can be wise, amazed, temperate and furious,Loyal and neutral, in a moment? No man. William Shakespeare

Two words that can change the way you feel, two words is all it takes to bring you from cloud nine to reality, yet it is also two words that will take you right back to where you started on cloud nine.

The first two words of my appointment yesterday, they were the two words that can take just that little bit of hope away, like plucking the stem of the apple, or a leaf from a bushy tree... Just enough for concern to grow, just enough for your smile to vanish for just one second.

High Risk.

I knew all along that this is the case, i knew when i started what i was getting myself into and i knew before that appointment that this wasnt going to be easy, and i knew that this wasnt just going to be the 'standard' - but then again, who is?  It was just to hear the words, to to hear it out loud, for it to be confirmed that just makes it real, makes the knowing just that little bit more scary.

I know it is normal to have some fear, and i know that i am no different to anyone else, than people in my situation, and i never, ever ever forget how blessed i am to even be this far, but with SLE or with auto immune disorders, or just with high risk pregnancy's, it is scary, your body does different things, and the doctors are never sure just how you will react.  I know that people have babies all the time. with worse illnesses than me, but i think it is the unknown, the un-understood, and the un-felt of the little child inside of you that makes it hard.

Two words is all it takes.

And the two words that i treasure, the two words that remind me that this is real, the two words that give me hope, faith, and something to hold on to when all else fails...

A Heartbeat.

That rippled, wheerly sound, that you instantly recognize... That is what i hold onto, that is what gets me to sleep at night, and that it what gives me hope and makes me believe in tomorrow.

In all things it is better to hope than to despair. Johann Wolfgang

You know the feeling of uncontrollable emotions, its the feeling of frustration you get from thousands of follicle stimulating drugs - you know that feeling...

When the emotions are all messed up, when you cant control what you are feeling or the extent to what you are feeling them to.  When your mind is so messed up everything is 100 times worse then it really is.  When yelling your frustrations out is your only option, when crying uncontrollably is the only thing that will sort your brain out, when no in between emotion is acceptable?

You know that feeling....

It has come back, with a vengeance...

Week fifteen, and i can not in anyway control how i am feeling.

I am not sure if it is because i am working so hard and for such long hours, or if because i am just tired, or maybe i have really turned into the crazy bitch i feared i was...?

All i know is that my emotions are escaping me day in and day out, and i cant help but to say what i think, i cant help but to get angry, and i cant help but to let everything frustrate me no end...

I will try to put them back in, i have recognized that i am over emotional and i will try, but well.... It really is that feeling of not being in control.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. Phyllis Diller

I thought by now the stress or worry about the pregnancy would be over, and i thought that in my mind i would have confidence and security about the future.

But to be honest i dont, and to be honest i am scared out of my mind.

There are so many if, buts, maybes, questions you dont want to ask yourself, fears you are afraid to admit, and most of all fears that you are scared that if you admit people will think poorly of you.

I am scared that i have done something wrong, or that i will do something wrong that will hurt my george.  I am scared that geroge is not ok in there, because i cannot feel anything but slight little cramps that the doctor tells me is ligaments stretching and moving. I am scared that i will start to bleed, and i am scared that my stress from work will hurt little george.

I am scared that if i make it to september, that i wont be a good mother, i am scared that i will be cranky, and i am scared that i will do everything wrong.

I am scared because i am scared, and i am scared that being scared is stupid.

I just dont know, i have turned into an over emotional, over thinking stressed little girl who should be grateful for what she has, but is to scared to even let herself dream.

Where has my courage gone?

Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death. Earl Wilson

When the storm clouds cover ever ounce of hope you have left, when you are in deeper than you have ever been before, when nothing makes sense, and everything is against you, remember these three things:

1. Courage - The quality of mind that enables a person to face difficulty without fear and with bravery.
2. Love - knowing that no matter how dark your cloud, no matter how heavy your heart, no matter what, love will get you though.  There is a man on the other side of the bed who will stick by you no matter what happens. And,
3. Hope - Nothing can be done without hope.  For I know then plans I have for you, says the Lord.  They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and hope.  Jeremiah 29:11

Faith is knowing that the the sun has risen even when the clouds cover every ray of light.

To my dearest little miracle,

I am sitting here with the cool air on my face, the puppy asleep on my legs, looking at the images of your face from your scan last week.

My own amazement overwhelms me, and i know by the time you are reading my letters, technology will have progressed and my scans will be ancient, but right now, i dont care, the emotions that i feel thinking of the day in six months times when i meet you, well those emotions will never change, no matter how much the world progresses.

I wonder what colour hair you'll have, and i wonder what colour eyes.  I wonder if you will be short or tall, and i wonder if your a boy or a girl... But i also sit here and know that none of that matters, so long and you are happy and healthy, and so long as you are mine...

I cant help but dream of your first day of school, what sport you'll want to play, the times you will cry, and the times you will laugh.  I cant wait to see your first smile, your first tooth, your first step, your first fall, and i cant wait to see your father pick you up in your tears to hold and love you unconditionally.

Nothing can compare to this, nothing will ever compare to the emotions i feel toward you looking at your little face, your little hand, and your little feet... Nothing.  And no matter what happens from this day forth, George, i will always love you.

Love from a mother that will be.

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln

Have you ever wondered why people are so worried about asking you the things they want to ask you, yet they are not afraid to ask others in your life, creating more speculation?

It happened to me the other day, and yes i know what it is like on the reverse, you dont want to ask because you dont want to stick your foot in it, but sometimes i just wonder why people are so easy to ask everyone else around you, almost creating gossip, then rather come to your face and ask.

People seem to do it all the time, asking you leading questions, hoping you'll spit the answer out, but you decide to be cheeky and not let the anwser slip trying to make the other person say it, or ask you...

In all honestly pregnancy has to be the hardest one too, because if you stuff it up, then your a fool.  But to me i think in that circumstance (i mean the pregnancy or just plain fat debate) you need to just keep it in and wait for a solid answer to be disclosed.

I was thinking about this, because to be honest i am feeling frumpy, i am not complaining, its just as the moment none of my clothes fit, and well, i cant tell people, so i just feel frumpy.  And it got me thinking because, well, what if this person who had been asking all my friends and family if i was pregnant, what if i wasnt pregnant but just gained weight?  What if then other people started assuming i was pregnant, and really i wasnt, now that would be a hard blow, because i am sure that someone would have eventually asked...

Now i know none of that makes any sence what so ever, BUT it does make me go back to my origional point, that well, really shouldnt sometimes you just keep your thoughts and assuptions to yourself?  Because i can tell you there have been a number of times when i assumed something and i wish i had just shut my mouth...

We dance round in a ring and suppose, While the secret sits in the middle and knows Robert Frost

To my dearest little miracle,

I wrote you a letter.  150 days ago i began by writing you a letter.  I honestly didnt think that you would ever read that letter, i thought that it would be a way to help me through my grief.  I thought that if i wrote you a letter, if i wrote down how i was feeling, then i might be able to get through my hardship with a little less tears.  I never thought that i would be sitting in my lounge room 150 days later, writing a letter to someone that is really alive.

In three sleeps, in just four days, i will meet you my miracle, your father and i will look on the screen and see your perfectly formed body, we will see you, in more than just 'blob' form.

My miracle, just the thought of you in there, fills me with such joy, with such anticipation for september, it is hard to express just how much you mean to me.  I write you this letter today, knowing that no more are you a fantasy, no more are you a figment of my imagination, no more are you a dream to aspire to, you are alive, and you are ours.

I pray each day that the lord blesses you with health and happiness, i pray each day for your saftey in there, and i pray that i can nurture you in the best way that i know how.   I want nothing more than to wake up next wednesday mroning, knowing that you are a happy healthy little baby, growing perfectly, just as a true miracle should.

I know that i have said that i am scared, and i know that i have said that i have fear, but today i choose to have faith and believe that the Lord who blessed me with a miracle, will too bless me with nothing but a beautiful child formed in his image.

I have grown to love you my tiny miracle, and i will continue to grow in loving you each and every second until the day i meet you, and even then, it will not stop.

Stay strong, and no matter what, always remember, that i am your mother, and you are my miracle.

Love from a mother that will be.

Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof. Kahlil Gibran

This will stay in my heart for an eternity...

Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. Amy Bloom

WARNING, FOR SOME OF YOU THIS POST MAY CONTAIN TMI, SO IF YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW, DONT READ ON, AND REMEMBER: I WARNED YOU!

So you decided to start TTCing, sounds exciting, you and your partner get excited about getting to do the baby dance whenever, where ever, and however... right?

Right... Until you realise it is not working... Then it becomes a chore, something that has to be done this way or that way, something that is posed to one another as a question of before dinner or after dinner... Then it gets worse.. IVF, where you are told EXACTLY when to do it, and exactly when not to do it....

Then it gets a little bit worse, after the egg pick up, after the sperm collection... there is more medication... Crinone, gel that makes a 'cottage cheese' like discharge... I have told these stories before i know i have, it is gross, and no man would ever go back if he went there...

So you wait.... It is only two weeks after all, you think that once the wait is over it will be ok, baby dancing will become free and fun once again... No matter the outcome...

Then it comes the news you have been waiting a lifetime to hear, news that you wouldnt change for the world, news that makes all your dreams become reality, news that changes your life...

But where does that leave the baby dancing?

My story is unique, our child, our miracle, hasnt come with the same confidence as others, low hormone levels, and scans twice a week, left our doctor telling my husband to "keep it in his pants" just that little bit longer...

So i say it again, where does that leave the baby dancing?

To be honest, and i am not sure how normal or abnormal this is, i am too scared, i know it would be fine, and i have Dr Goggled it... but honestly - still scared... and no matter how much the desire to do a little baby dancing is, i am still too scared...

And on a lighter side, the thing that also bothers me about this whole topic, is eww gross, there is a baby in there! I dont care how little it is, its a human, can you imagine being showered in sperm?  Not that the little tucker would remember it, but *sigh* well the whole thing just freaks me out just that little bit... ok i lied, it freaks me out alot!

So am i normal, or am i just a little paranoid and weird to be scared and freaked out?

If you are never scared, embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take chances Julia Soul

I am not going to lie to you, i am the happiest i have been i a long time, and i dont care how hard it was to get here, i am here and that is all that matters.

But there is one thing that i missed out on.

Something that i did over a hundred times and each time it ended only in tears and heart ache.

Something that makes hearts race, tears flow, moments that change lives forever...

Something that i am going to do, if only to feel just that little bit 'normal' and to finally get just that little smile on my face, just that little giggle, just that little slip into a reality that will never really be mine.

I want to create a moment for me, my husband, and my baby, my new family. I am going to get my double lines, yes i am going to pee on a stick...

It might be back to front, it may seem just a little silly, but i have finally got my double lines, i no longer have to wish for a miracle, because by God's grace i have a little miracle growing inside of me.... And my double lines, well they give me tears, but they are no longer heart broken tears, they are tears of joy.

It will never take away from the moment i really got my positive, the real moment that i will treasure for an eternity is the day i sore my babys heart beat... I am sure if this was a little differnet, and i lived in an alternate world, that my double lines today would make my heart race just that little bit more, but for now, the double lines give me peace.

My double lines give me the hope and faith i need in tomorrow, the double lines give me an describable feeling that what is wanted can be achieved. I am not saying that peeing on a stick is more significant than my ultrasound image, it just gives me the feeling i so desired.

A year ago i pee'd on a stick and it left me feeling puzzled and empty.

Today a pee'd on a stick and it left me feeling full of excitement and a feeling of contentment and happiness that for a very long time i never thought would be mine.

Sometimes something so silly can make us smile, simply because in our heart we know it came from something more complex.

I have to admit that i have been a little uninspired lately, and i am feeling that my lil ol blog is lacking in a little laughter, and fun...

You see, i must tell you that blogging every day has become quite the challenge, not that i am not up for the challenge, and i tell you i will be persevering and continuing on, but at the moment, you must understand, i am just so exhausted.

Have you ever felt so tired after a very long day, gone to bed and woke up and still felt as tired?  Add in a little 'car sickness' and you have my not so me mind at the moment...

Pure exhaustion, it'll do funny things to you, and make you do funny things in return

I am told that this will pass and in a few weeks i will be right as rein, back to bubbly lil ol me....

But until then...

And please keep reading, as i chase my little miracle....

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. Mahatma Gandhi