Day 151 – 150 days ago…

February 20, 2010 0 Comments

Eleven Weeks, four days. Day 83 in the quest to chase our little miracle

To my dearest little miracle,

I wrote you a letter.  150 days ago i began by writing you a letter.  I honestly didnt think that you would ever read that letter, i thought that it would be a way to help me through my grief.  I thought that if i wrote you a letter, if i wrote down how i was feeling, then i might be able to get through my hardship with a little less tears.  I never thought that i would be sitting in my lounge room 150 days later, writing a letter to someone that is really alive.

In three sleeps, in just four days, i will meet you my miracle, your father and i will look on the screen and see your perfectly formed body, we will see you, in more than just ‘blob’ form.

My miracle, just the thought of you in there, fills me with such joy, with such anticipation for september, it is hard to express just how much you mean to me.  I write you this letter today, knowing that no more are you a fantasy, no more are you a figment of my imagination, no more are you a dream to aspire to, you are alive, and you are ours.

I pray each day that the lord blesses you with health and happiness, i pray each day for your saftey in there, and i pray that i can nurture you in the best way that i know how.   I want nothing more than to wake up next wednesday mroning, knowing that you are a happy healthy little baby, growing perfectly, just as a true miracle should.

I know that i have said that i am scared, and i know that i have said that i have fear, but today i choose to have faith and believe that the Lord who blessed me with a miracle, will too bless me with nothing but a beautiful child formed in his image.

I have grown to love you my tiny miracle, and i will continue to grow in loving you each and every second until the day i meet you, and even then, it will not stop.

Stay strong, and no matter what, always remember, that i am your mother, and you are my miracle.

Love from a mother that will be.

Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof. Kahlil Gibran

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Day 141 – Wordless Wednesday with a twist

February 10, 2010 0 Comments

Ten weeks, one day. Day 73 in the quest to chase our little miracle

This will stay in my heart for an eternity…

Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. Amy Bloom

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Day 138 – Baby dancin no more…

February 7, 2010 0 Comments

Nine weeks, five days. Day 70 in the quest to chase our little miracle

WARNING, FOR SOME OF YOU THIS POST MAY CONTAIN TMI, SO IF YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW, DONT READ ON, AND REMEMBER: I WARNED YOU!

So you decided to start TTCing, sounds exciting, you and your partner get excited about getting to do the baby dance whenever, where ever, and however… right?

Right… Until you realise it is not working… Then it becomes a chore, something that has to be done this way or that way, something that is posed to one another as a question of before dinner or after dinner… Then it gets worse.. IVF, where you are told EXACTLY when to do it, and exactly when not to do it….

Then it gets a little bit worse, after the egg pick up, after the sperm collection… there is more medication… Crinone, gel that makes a ‘cottage cheese’ like discharge… I have told these stories before i know i have, it is gross, and no man would ever go back if he went there…

So you wait…. It is only two weeks after all, you think that once the wait is over it will be ok, baby dancing will become free and fun once again… No matter the outcome…

Then it comes the news you have been waiting a lifetime to hear, news that you wouldnt change for the world, news that makes all your dreams become reality, news that changes your life…

But where does that leave the baby dancing?

My story is unique, our child, our miracle, hasnt come with the same confidence as others, low hormone levels, and scans twice a week, left our doctor telling my husband to “keep it in his pants” just that little bit longer…

So i say it again, where does that leave the baby dancing?

To be honest, and i am not sure how normal or abnormal this is, i am too scared, i know it would be fine, and i have Dr Goggled it… but honestly – still scared… and no matter how much the desire to do a little baby dancing is, i am still too scared…

And on a lighter side, the thing that also bothers me about this whole topic, is eww gross, there is a baby in there! I dont care how little it is, its a human, can you imagine being showered in sperm?  Not that the little tucker would remember it, but *sigh* well the whole thing just freaks me out just that little bit… ok i lied, it freaks me out alot!

So am i normal, or am i just a little paranoid and weird to be scared and freaked out?

If you are never scared, embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take chances Julia Soul

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Day 137 – IVF, no double lines for you…

February 6, 2010 0 Comments

Nine weeks, four days. Day 69 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I am not going to lie to you, i am the happiest i have been i a long time, and i dont care how hard it was to get here, i am here and that is all that matters.

But there is one thing that i missed out on.

Something that i did over a hundred times and each time it ended only in tears and heart ache.

Something that makes hearts race, tears flow, moments that change lives forever…

Something that i am going to do, if only to feel just that little bit ‘normal’ and to finally get just that little smile on my face, just that little giggle, just that little slip into a reality that will never really be mine.

I want to create a moment for me, my husband, and my baby, my new family. I am going to get my double lines, yes i am going to pee on a stick…

It might be back to front, it may seem just a little silly, but i have finally got my double lines, i no longer have to wish for a miracle, because by God’s grace i have a little miracle growing inside of me…. And my double lines, well they give me tears, but they are no longer heart broken tears, they are tears of joy.

It will never take away from the moment i really got my positive, the real moment that i will treasure for an eternity is the day i sore my babys heart beat… I am sure if this was a little differnet, and i lived in an alternate world, that my double lines today would make my heart race just that little bit more, but for now, the double lines give me peace.

My double lines give me the hope and faith i need in tomorrow, the double lines give me an describable feeling that what is wanted can be achieved. I am not saying that peeing on a stick is more significant than my ultrasound image, it just gives me the feeling i so desired.

A year ago i pee’d on a stick and it left me feeling puzzled and empty.

Today a pee’d on a stick and it left me feeling full of excitement and a feeling of contentment and happiness that for a very long time i never thought would be mine.

Sometimes something so silly can make us smile, simply because in our heart we know it came from something more complex.

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Day 135 – My friends i feel an apology is in order

February 4, 2010 0 Comments

Nine weeks, two days. Day 67 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I have to admit that i have been a little uninspired lately, and i am feeling that my lil ol blog is lacking in a little laughter, and fun…

You see, i must tell you that blogging every day has become quite the challenge, not that i am not up for the challenge, and i tell you i will be persevering and continuing on, but at the moment, you must understand, i am just so exhausted.

Have you ever felt so tired after a very long day, gone to bed and woke up and still felt as tired?  Add in a little ‘car sickness’ and you have my not so me mind at the moment…

Pure exhaustion, it’ll do funny things to you, and make you do funny things in return :)

I am told that this will pass and in a few weeks i will be right as rein, back to bubbly lil ol me….

But until then…

And please keep reading, as i chase my little miracle….

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. Mahatma Gandhi

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Day 133 – How am i going to get through this day?

February 2, 2010 0 Comments

Nine weeks. Day 65 in the quest to chase our little miracle

You would think that once you are pregnant the anxiety goes away, wouldnt you?

You would think that by now i would be certain that things are ok, that everything is progressing as it should be, and you would think by now that i could just go with the flow and know in my heart that this is meant to be and will be…

You would think.

But, in my case, nope….

Some days are better than others, but today i am not nauseous, and instead of celebrating and enjoying the moment, i am worried.  I shouldnt be worried, i am quite sure this is normal, but there is that tiny incy wincy voice that always says “what if”…

99.9% of the time i am able to stop the fear, pray it away, feel fine in the knowledge that God has given my a miracle, and will look after me and George… but you know… just that 0.1% niggles away…

I hope it gets easier, i hope that i will be able to put my fears aside…  But am i holding out for something that may never come?

There are so many emotions that i am feeling today, and another little part of me wonders if that is just the hormones playing tricks on me….

Is this the way it is for everyone? Or for first timers at least? And will i find peace shortly?

We seek peace, knowing that peace is the climate of freedom. Dwight D. Eisenhower

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Day 132 – When is a life a life?

February 1, 2010 0 Comments

Eight weeks, six days. Day 64 in the quest to chase our little miracle

So i have been pondering, when is a life a life?

This is such a controversial topic, but i was thinking about it, and it has been on my mind all day.  Maybe i am the wrong person to be writing about this, and maybe i shouldnt write something so controversial on my blog, but well, i was thinking about it, and after all it is my blog…

I know everyone has their own opinion, and i know that everyone has the right to believe what they want to believe, and to see life as they want to see it, but in your opinion – when is a life a life?

You see i never really contemplated this in such depth and after all i have been through, i think i might have a stronger opinion than some, i mean, i am one of the lucky ones, i have seen a life grow, and i really believe that at the point of a heartbeat, at 6 1/2 weeks, that, that there is a life…

How could it not be? A life begins and ends with a heartbeat…  How can something with a heartbeat not be a life?  But again, this is what i believe, and i have been through so much more than others.

I know it is all personal, and as i just mentioned everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but it is one of those topics that i find interesting, and like most topics ones opinion comes only from experience.  If you have never been in a situation like i have, then i guess the preciousness of life may not be as greatly appreciated…  But then again, that too is my opinion.

I base my thoughts on the fact that have seem my uterus, i have seen something inside of me go from nothing to something, i have witnessed the true beginning of a life, then seen it grow.  So i know what happens, i know that there is a life with a beating heart… That and what i have been through, that makes it all too real for me.

I do though accept that for some people, a life is not a life as early as i believe.  I have to accept that for some people a life is not thought about as a life, but as something more scientific, or maybe not even contemplated, so i am asking you…

When is a life a life?

The most beautiful thing we can experience in life is the mysterious. Albert Einstein

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Day 131 – I felt a little empty, as i waved goodbye to my friends…

January 31, 2010 0 Comments

Eight weeks, five days. Day 63 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Imagine you are at the airport about to walk through the gates on to a plane that is taking you on the most exciting adventure, you turn around and there are your friends standing there waving you good bye, they cant come with you, you know that you may see them again, but for now, you must say good bye…

For nearly a year i went to the Life Fertility Clinic, nearly twice a week, each week, always being greeted by the same smiling faces, always being cared for by the most caring people.  Each time i walked into that clinic i felt like i was loved, like someone cared enough to remember my name.

A year ago they were strangers to me, but on friday as i went down the elevator for the last time, i felt empty, like i was walking away from friends.  I felt like i had come all this way, i was now ready for my grand adventure, but all my friends, all the people that stood by me through the toughest time, the people that took my calls even when they were too busy to, the people that shared most of my joys and most of my sadness, well that was it, they were there waving my good bye, wishing me well on my grand adventure.

I know it must sound just that little bit silly, growing attached to the staff at the clinic, but, well… It is true.  They were the ones that were there for me when i thought all hope was lost.  And they were the ones that helped my miracle come true, with out them, i may not be where i am right now.  If i hadnt had that support, if i didnt get the follow up calls, if i didnt have smiling faces each time i went to the clinic, maybe i wouldnt have gone on….Maybe i would have given up the many times i thought i wanted to.

So here i am now, sitting on the plane, waiting for my adventure to begin.  I cant wait for the plane to land, yet i am still sad that my friends cant come along with me.

Maybe one day i will return, and my friends will once again be there for me….  But until then, i will hold a special place in my heart for each and everyone of them.

Even though we’ve changed and we’re all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we’ll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we’re not all still friends. Anon

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Day 130 – When is too soon?

January 30, 2010 0 Comments

Eight weeks, four days. Day 62 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I have now known for two full weeks that i am pregnant, and only now is the real excitement setting in… And the nerves…

I have waited so long for this moment, for this time where we get to think about all the things that we never got to think about before, but how soon is too soon to start planning? To start researching…  I dont mean all the boring stuff like finances, i am talking about the FUN stuff, you know, the baby nursary, the cots, the prams, the  redecorating, painting… The baby shower…  THE NAMES? OMG we will be responsible for naming a HUMAN! EKK… (thats where the nerves set in, oh that and labor, but thats another blog another time)

How long do i wait before i start planning that stuff? Before we start discussing names?  I cant wait to go shopping for baby stuff to start decorating the room, i know that is already done in my head, i know exactly what i want, but you know, the reaserching on line, the shopping, oh the buying of baby stuff…

Is it too soon, should i wait longer before i get excited, before i start setting things in concrete, or should i dare to show my excitement, dare to discuss the previously undiscussable topics?

Oh the possiblilties are endless, if i start now… i may just change my mind one thousand and one times before i actually get to decorate and shop…

And the sad thing is, i am just excited that i get to write that i am excited!

Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning. Gloria Steinem

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Day 128 – I shed a tear this morning

January 28, 2010 0 Comments

Eight weeks, two days. Day 60 in the quest to chase our little miracle

To my dearest little miracle,

As i have told you on many occasions before, the year of 2009 was one of the hardest years of my life, and it was hard for reasons other than my journey chasing you.

Last year the man we all knew as Opie, my mothers father, your great grandfather, left this world to be with his daughter.

I am ok, we are all ok, but it doesnt make us miss him any less, most of the time i remember him in passing, latley a little more because your cousin Charlie, well he riminds me in a beautiful way, just how special Opie was to us… And this morning almost out of the blue i received an email which made me think just a little bit more of him, and for a brief moment a wave of sadness washed over me knowing that you would never get to know Opie.

Our Opie was one of the most treasured people i have ever know, he had the kindest spirit, and was by far the most treasureable grandfather of all, and most importantly he was my mothers father, your grandmothers father.

The thing that brings a tear to my eye right now, is the thought that you, my miracle, will never get that chance to meet him, nor will you ever get the chance to meet his daughter, my mother.

If i had one wish for you, it would be that my family and i will be able to share with you the many memories we have of both my mother and Opie, and that you will grow up knowing that you have the most wonderful family.  I pray that even though you will never have the opportunity to meet them,you will know that they are a part of you, and that i will ensure that you know just how much they influenced my life, and thus your life too.

My miracle, you will meet many people in your life, but know that sometimes it is the people who you never knew, or will never know, that are the biggest influence on your life, and that mean the most in the place that matters the most; your heart.

Love from a mother that will be

Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. Kevin Arnold

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