What is it?

February 7, 2011 0 Comments

Day 167 in my miracles life

What is it inside of us that makes us care about what we look like?

I stood in front of the mirror this morning and wondered why i care so much about the last five kilos.  It is a goal and i will get there, but as i looked at myself i wondered if even when i get there if i would be happy.

Why do i care if i fit into the size 10 shorts? Why do i hate myself every monday after i have enjoyed baking and eating some sweet treats over the weekends?  Why do i sit here every monday wishing that i didnt enjoy the foods i allowed myself to enjoy over the weekend?  And quite frankly why do i always want to enjoy sweet baking treats over the weekend?

What is it inside of me that hates the way i look? And what is it inside of me that makes me over indulge when i allow myself the slightest inch on my diet?  Why do i hate myself for allowing myself enjoyment?

What is it inside of me that makes me feel this way?

And how can i fix it?

Filed Under: My Miracles Life Begins, Three to Six Months, Weight Loss Tagged With: , , ,

Am i the ‘wrong’ kind of parent?

October 27, 2010 0 Comments

Day 63 in my miracles life

I am slowly learning that there are a thousand and one different styles of parenting, that everyone has their own magical way, and that everyone believes in the way that they have done it and they believe in the way that works for them…

Fair enough – you do what works right?

But how do you know what works for you?

I am in the middle of confusion…

I am torn between what is right and what is wrong, what is good for Jennifer, and what i am going to ‘regret’ later on down the track.  I am scared and worried that i am the ‘wrong’ kind of parent, that what i do isnt healthy, that the way i work is going to make my baby too dependant, or too needy, or that i am being selfish, or that she is going to cry too much later down the track…

And the reasons that i am torn about how to handle different situations, the reasons these ideas have come into my head of late, is becuase that is what people have told me.

I know that i need to find what works for me i know that i need to find my feet and go with my gut, but i just dont know, ive never done this before i have never been in these situations and quite honestly i dont want to do something that is going to ‘hurt’ my baby, and i dont want to ‘stuff up’ what i worked so hard for…

Two months ago i never imagined that it would be quite so hard, or that i would get so entangled in what others thought, or what others said to me… I thought that it would all be pure instinct and that i would know exactly what to do in each situation because i had dreamed about being a mother for so long, but it just hasnt worked out like that…

Two months down the track people are asking me why my baby doesnt sleep through yet (mondays confusion) they are telling me that my child should have ‘regular’ naps in her cot and not on me, they are telling me that i should let her ‘self settle’ and i am being told that i should change my feeding routine to accommodate more routine nap times….

So how do i know what is right? How do i sift through the good advise and know what is right for me and Jennifer, how on earth do i know what will ‘hurt’ her and what is best for her?

How do i make sure that i am not the ‘wrong’ kind of parent?

Filed Under: My Miracles Life Begins, One to Three Months Tagged With: , , , , , ,

I Am Exhausted! HELP!!

October 25, 2010 0 Comments

Day 61 in my miracles life.

Its been 61 days since i have had a good nights sleep.  61 days since my world was turned up side down in the most magical way, but 61 days where i have been living on pure love and hope.

And it is finally honestly beginning to take its toll.

I am exhausted, purely and utterly exhausted…

I need a good nights sleep, and i cant help but to wonder when that will be.

Sure my husband could take a night here and there, sure i could get six hours once in a blue moon, sure i could have a nap in the afternoon…. But that is not what i need.  I need my little lady to learn to sleep through the night, and i am wondering when this happens, i am wondering at what age does she no longer need to wake to feed, i need a time frame, i need to know how much longer to hold out for?

I have read the books, i am working the routines…. But still she wakes at 2.30 / 3.00 am each morning…

Is it me? Am i doing this wrong?  Or am i just being impatient?  Is my exhaustion taking over my reality checker?

I know she is small, i understand that she is young… But how long? How much longer will it be before i can see the light of a good nights sleep….

How much longer before the early morning screams turn into silence?

How do i approach this in the most selfless way?

Filed Under: My Miracles Life Begins, One to Three Months Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Day 201 – My toes dont touch the floor…

April 11, 2010 0 Comments

Eighteen Weeks. Five Days. Day 132 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

My toes dont touch the floor…

2004 i started swelling, i had sore joints and for no reason my ankles and feet began swelling… That year i was diagnosed with Lupus.

When we first started talking about a family i learned from the specialist that anti inflammatory medications during pregnancy are a no go…

2008 i stopped taking all medication, and i was fine.

For the first time since 2004 yesterday my feet began swelling, and they didnt stop.  By the end of the evening i had no ankles and i my feet looked like two balloons.

And as i lay in bed with my feet raised, i began to worry…

I am only half way there…. What if it gets worse?  I knew this might have happened, and i know in a week i will be able to talk to the specialist about it all, but i dont want to go on medications, i really dont.  I spent so long getting fit an healthy to avoid putting these medications into my body, i really just wanted to get through this pregnancy without the lupus coming back, getting worse.

I spent the night with my feet up hoping that this morning it would have been better, hoping that it was a one off, hoping that keeping my feet raised would have helped.  As i woke up i realised i was wrong.  They are less swollen, but my toes still dont touch the floor, my feet are still swollen.

I am trying not to think about the ‘what ifs’ i am trying not to think negatively, but you still have to wonder…

And i am sitting here wondering, why suddenly now?  What has suddenly changed?  I will try not to think about it, i will wait until next monday to talk to the doctor, but i really hope, and i will pray, that this doesnt hurt my george, that i wont have to go on any medication, that with rest and caution, all will be ok.

I just pray that all will be ok.

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays. Anon

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: , , , ,

Day 161 – Donate or Dispose?

March 2, 2010 0 Comments

Thirteen weeks. Day 93 in the quest to chase our little miracle

IVF – It has to be one of the hardest things anyone should ever have to face.  The torment, the anguish, the pain, the money, and the decisions.

Do we spend the money, are there alternatives, will this work, is it worth it all?  So many questions, and hard life changing questions.  You spend sleepless nights wondering if you have done the right thing, if you are doing the right thing, or if you will regret your choices for an eternity.

And the decisions dont stop, they never stop!

Once you take the plunge and decide to go ahead, there are documents, legalities, sign here, initial there, would you like option a or option b?  And of course no one can make the decisions but you, you are the ones with all the pressure, you are the ones who have to make the final choice, and you are the ones that have to live with them.

Now that all is said and done, and now that for me the IVF has worked, i thought the decision making would be over, i thought that it would just be the one last responsibility of chooseing a name that would keep me up at night.

But i forgot about our frozens…

I forgot about our three potential babies.  I forgot about our frozen embies, hidden away in the deep freeze of the clinic, waiting, just waiting to be defrosted…

I know its not quite the time to be pondering about such life changing things, but the topic has come up twice in as many days, and well…. It has really got me thinking.

Do we try again? Do we want a sibbling for George?

Do we donate?

Or do we dispose?

Three things that haunt me about such a decision…

If we try again, will i get caught up?  If we decide to go ahead with putting the three back in and it doesnt work, will my desire take over, and will i then want to put myself through the whole tormenting IVF process again?  Will i forget what i have and loose myself again?

If we donate, will i spend a lifetime wondering?  I would love to give someone else out there an opportunity, but will i spend the rest of my life wondering if there is a child of mine out there?  Will i wonder about the potential baby i possibly gave away?

Or do we dispose?  Do i get rid of the little critters that i went through hell and back to get?  And if donating my embryo’s is comparable to adoption in my mind, in the same thought is disposal comparable to abortion?

I know my mind is more than likely just playing games with me, and there will be a time later down the track where i will think it through more clearly, but it is something that people talk about, and ask me about…

At least for now they are safe and sound in the deep freeze…

You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions. Naguib Mahfouz

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: , , , , ,

Day 152 – Shhh, its a secret

February 21, 2010 0 Comments

Eleven Weeks, five days. Day 84 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Have you ever wondered why people are so worried about asking you the things they want to ask you, yet they are not afraid to ask others in your life, creating more speculation?

It happened to me the other day, and yes i know what it is like on the reverse, you dont want to ask because you dont want to stick your foot in it, but sometimes i just wonder why people are so easy to ask everyone else around you, almost creating gossip, then rather come to your face and ask.

People seem to do it all the time, asking you leading questions, hoping you’ll spit the answer out, but you decide to be cheeky and not let the anwser slip trying to make the other person say it, or ask you…

In all honestly pregnancy has to be the hardest one too, because if you stuff it up, then your a fool.  But to me i think in that circumstance (i mean the pregnancy or just plain fat debate) you need to just keep it in and wait for a solid answer to be disclosed.

I was thinking about this, because to be honest i am feeling frumpy, i am not complaining, its just as the moment none of my clothes fit, and well, i cant tell people, so i just feel frumpy.  And it got me thinking because, well, what if this person who had been asking all my friends and family if i was pregnant, what if i wasnt pregnant but just gained weight?  What if then other people started assuming i was pregnant, and really i wasnt, now that would be a hard blow, because i am sure that someone would have eventually asked…

Now i know none of that makes any sence what so ever, BUT it does make me go back to my origional point, that well, really shouldnt sometimes you just keep your thoughts and assuptions to yourself?  Because i can tell you there have been a number of times when i assumed something and i wish i had just shut my mouth…

We dance round in a ring and suppose, While the secret sits in the middle and knows Robert Frost

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: ,

Day 149 – Frustration, argh! I had been doing so well…

February 18, 2010 0 Comments

Eleven Weeks, two days. Day 81 in the quest to chase our little miracle

To be honest i have a weee lil bit of a temper… My sister and i call it the “Bowen trait” and we have always said that any man that can put up with a Bowen is a keeper, and well we have both found our keepers… And after last night i am not sure my keeper really knew what he was in for when he said “I do”!

It is a fact that sometimes my frustrations get the better of me and i will just get so angry and overwhelmed and something i am doing or a situation that i have put myself into that i just have to stomp or yell it out…

And last night i shocked myself, because for the first time in my pregnancy i got all worked up and frustrated, and i honestly couldnt help it!  I tried not to get upset, i tried to be calm, but i couldnt, i just got so annoyed at the situation – and it really started worrying me.

This couldnt have been good for lil george, getting so worked up inside?  I asked myself how do i stop? And last night i did something i dont usually do.  I gave up.  I shut my computer, got a bowl of ice-cream, and gave up… I went to bed without a solution.  I have NEVER done that in my life!  I always go to be with solutions, and i always finish what i am doing, and i never emotional eat… But i did.

I think last night this was a wise decision, but i dont want to be the person who gives up… I want to conquer and succeed!  I want to find a solution to my challenges.

So my question this morning is not how to avoid the frustration, because we all know that is impossible, it is how on earth do i stop myself getting so worked up and find a solution that is not giving in?  How do i control the uncontrollable?  How do i realise i am in the middle of a situation that can only be solved when i am calm?

I need to be the one that succeeds, but now i need to be the one that doesnt get so frustrated and angry first…

Our frustration is greater when we have much and want more than when we have nothing and want some. We are less dissatisfied when we lack many things than when we seem to lack but one thing. Eric Hoffer

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Day 147 – Dear Dr Google,

February 16, 2010 0 Comments

Eleven Weeks. Day 79 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I have to admit, i thought that once i was pregnant i would have gotten over the whole googeling thing…  Or perhaps i knew i was going to Google, but i assumed it would be all bells and whistles, roses and blue skies…

But alas, i was once again wrong, so i am placing a formal compliant to the allusive Dr Google.

Dear Dr Google,

I would just like to begin this letter on a positive note by letting you know that your brothers Google, Google images, and Google Maps who are not doctors, often give me great assistance when needed, they are helpful and rarely negative, and always answer with only one key word.

However Dr Google, you on the other hand seem to like to inform me of nothing but negatives.  I asked you my success rates of IVF, and you spat out numerous articles all averaging less that my clinic percentage, didnt you understand i was looking for a 99% probability?

I asked you the symptoms of implantation, and BOY did you get that one wrong!  If i had had a better answer, maybe i would have had more hope earlier on…

I also asked you about the side effects of the drugs i was taking, did you tell me it would be ok, and everything i was experiencing was normal?  No No Dr Google, you told me that the side effects would only get worse, and you continually spat literature at me – that’s not what i was looking for!

And most recently, Dr Google, I ask you about fetal development, and what do you tell me? You told me miscarriage rates and you told me about birth defects , that is right, as positively as you try to spin it, and no matter how hard you try to hide it from me, i still read it!

So Dr Google, this is a request not only from myself, but from my fellow TTC’ers and my fellow 1st trimester’ers… GET RID OF ANY NEGATIVITY!

We want nothing but positive data from now on, now i am not saying that you should lie, i am just saying that you should admit all the ‘bad press’.  All that info that we ‘really didnt need to know’.

So if you could do me a favour and in future simply just leave out all the negative answers and just really give me what i am looking for, that would be greatly apprecaited.

If you have any questions please do not hesitate to comment below.

Regards,

Chasing A Miracle.

PS – Why am i still not at the top of your search? Nobody really cares about the sixty minutes story in 2007…

People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong. Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom? Thich Nhat Hanh

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Day 146 – 17 hours to debate this? Parliament – what a sham!

February 15, 2010 0 Comments

Ten weeks, six days. Day 78 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I love where i live, “beautiful one day, perfect the next” – that is Queensland, Australia for you.  I have always loved living here and i think the only move i will ever make will be to the sunshine coast (about an hour from where i live now)…

But earlier this week as i listened to the radio i had to agree with what they were saying… We are so far behind, and i dont know much about politics but as i listened to what our MP’s were saying i was disgusted!

It took our parliament a whole 17 hours to decide to make surrogacy legal in Queensland, that is right you heard it, before wednesday last week surrogacy was illegal in my state.  And my disgust doesnt come solely from the fact that it was illegal, it came from the fact that it took 17 hours for these people to make a decision, and not only that, some of the “facts” or “reasons” behind keeping it illegal, well i say send them back to the middle ages, and stone them to death!

These are the people who are suppose to represent us, these are the people who are meant to stand for current times and current society, they are the people who are meant to accept what is acceptable, they are meant to represent our future, and here they are debating something that i believe should have been made legal as soon as the technology was avaliable…

But nooooooooooooooo…. These people, 40 out of the 88 votes, are so far up there own asses they were coming up with reasons (from what i have heard) such as “gay couples ordering children like pets” or “same sex couples not being able to take their child to a public bathroom” or my favorite so far “This is an assault on the deepest relationship between a mother and child.” (abc.net) or what about “People have no idea the cultural implications of the state decreeing that a man and another man – or just a man on his own – is identical in law to a mother and father from a child’s perspective”

WTF?

“The opposition is adamant that same-sex couples and single parents must be excluded from any reforms to surrogacy arrangements.  Some church and family groups agree, saying the reforms, as they’re currently proposed, will threaten the traditional family model and normalise same-sex parenting.” (brisbanetimes.com)

WTF WTF WTF?!?!?!

What is my state coming to? What about just having a family that loves a child? What about giving same sex couple a CHANCE to fit into society, give them a chance to become the norm… As the radio station said, it is like saying that non Caucasian  people dont have the right to children… And the truth is EVERYONE has the right to be a parent, i dont care who you are, what you have done, or who you may or may not become, you have the RIGHT to become a parent.

And you know what? How come f**cking crack whores and dealers, and murderers still have the right to becoming a parent? Why not make that illegal, i am 100% sure that a little girl would be better of with two daddies than a crack whore of a mother, and an abuser of a father?

Am i wrong, oh important people of this state, am i wrong? shall we just go and do a study and see which child is better off??!!!

Go back to to the middle ages… Cause i will be waiting there with my stones…

On the other side of things, thank you to those 48 votes who actually are with the times, and actually have half a brain…

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy. Earnest Benn

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Day 136 – I am not a dreamer, i am a believer…

February 5, 2010 0 Comments

Nine weeks, three days. Day 68 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I am not a dreamer, i am a believer…

I believe in my future and i believe in myself, but i am not a dreamer…

I have never really been a dreamer, i am not talking about the dream of my life, and i am not talking about “i dreamed a dream” nope i am simply talking about dreams.  I am not a dreamer.

Each day i wake fresh, with no memories of dreams, ever, never…

Until about a fortnight ago… Now i am a dreamer… and just quietly, it is freaking me out.

I now wake with vivid memories of endless dreams, dreams that i assume mean nothing, but dreams that make me think of things i never thought about before.

Strange disconnected, unrealistic dreams about people i have never meet, people i have meet in passing, people i may never meet…  About places i have never been, places i once travelled in my youth, places that may not even exist.

For a person who has never been a dreamer before, these experiences each night are strange and imprint weird thoughts and memories into my mind, they make me think about my subconsious and why i have these thoughts in my head.

Dreams confuse me to say the least.

Has my child made me a dreamer? Will the dreams become stranger, or more realistic, and do they mean anything?  Right now to me my dreams are meaningless yet so puzzeling i want to understand them….

But i know that i may never know what my dreams mean, let alone understand them, or control them…

So for now i am a dreamer….

You see things; and you say, “Why?” But I dream things that never were; and I say, “Why not?” George Bernard Shaw

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