My toes dont touch the floor...

2004 i started swelling, i had sore joints and for no reason my ankles and feet began swelling... That year i was diagnosed with Lupus.

When we first started talking about a family i learned from the specialist that anti inflammatory medications during pregnancy are a no go...

2008 i stopped taking all medication, and i was fine.

For the first time since 2004 yesterday my feet began swelling, and they didnt stop.  By the end of the evening i had no ankles and i my feet looked like two balloons.

And as i lay in bed with my feet raised, i began to worry...

I am only half way there.... What if it gets worse?  I knew this might have happened, and i know in a week i will be able to talk to the specialist about it all, but i dont want to go on medications, i really dont.  I spent so long getting fit an healthy to avoid putting these medications into my body, i really just wanted to get through this pregnancy without the lupus coming back, getting worse.

I spent the night with my feet up hoping that this morning it would have been better, hoping that it was a one off, hoping that keeping my feet raised would have helped.  As i woke up i realised i was wrong.  They are less swollen, but my toes still dont touch the floor, my feet are still swollen.

I am trying not to think about the 'what ifs' i am trying not to think negatively, but you still have to wonder...

And i am sitting here wondering, why suddenly now?  What has suddenly changed?  I will try not to think about it, i will wait until next monday to talk to the doctor, but i really hope, and i will pray, that this doesnt hurt my george, that i wont have to go on any medication, that with rest and caution, all will be ok.

I just pray that all will be ok.

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays. Anon

IVF - It has to be one of the hardest things anyone should ever have to face.  The torment, the anguish, the pain, the money, and the decisions.

Do we spend the money, are there alternatives, will this work, is it worth it all?  So many questions, and hard life changing questions.  You spend sleepless nights wondering if you have done the right thing, if you are doing the right thing, or if you will regret your choices for an eternity.

And the decisions dont stop, they never stop!

Once you take the plunge and decide to go ahead, there are documents, legalities, sign here, initial there, would you like option a or option b?  And of course no one can make the decisions but you, you are the ones with all the pressure, you are the ones who have to make the final choice, and you are the ones that have to live with them.

Now that all is said and done, and now that for me the IVF has worked, i thought the decision making would be over, i thought that it would just be the one last responsibility of chooseing a name that would keep me up at night.

But i forgot about our frozens...

I forgot about our three potential babies.  I forgot about our frozen embies, hidden away in the deep freeze of the clinic, waiting, just waiting to be defrosted...

I know its not quite the time to be pondering about such life changing things, but the topic has come up twice in as many days, and well.... It has really got me thinking.

Do we try again? Do we want a sibbling for George?

Do we donate?

Or do we dispose?

Three things that haunt me about such a decision...

If we try again, will i get caught up?  If we decide to go ahead with putting the three back in and it doesnt work, will my desire take over, and will i then want to put myself through the whole tormenting IVF process again?  Will i forget what i have and loose myself again?

If we donate, will i spend a lifetime wondering?  I would love to give someone else out there an opportunity, but will i spend the rest of my life wondering if there is a child of mine out there?  Will i wonder about the potential baby i possibly gave away?

Or do we dispose?  Do i get rid of the little critters that i went through hell and back to get?  And if donating my embryo's is comparable to adoption in my mind, in the same thought is disposal comparable to abortion?

I know my mind is more than likely just playing games with me, and there will be a time later down the track where i will think it through more clearly, but it is something that people talk about, and ask me about...

At least for now they are safe and sound in the deep freeze...

You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions. Naguib Mahfouz

Have you ever wondered why people are so worried about asking you the things they want to ask you, yet they are not afraid to ask others in your life, creating more speculation?

It happened to me the other day, and yes i know what it is like on the reverse, you dont want to ask because you dont want to stick your foot in it, but sometimes i just wonder why people are so easy to ask everyone else around you, almost creating gossip, then rather come to your face and ask.

People seem to do it all the time, asking you leading questions, hoping you'll spit the answer out, but you decide to be cheeky and not let the anwser slip trying to make the other person say it, or ask you...

In all honestly pregnancy has to be the hardest one too, because if you stuff it up, then your a fool.  But to me i think in that circumstance (i mean the pregnancy or just plain fat debate) you need to just keep it in and wait for a solid answer to be disclosed.

I was thinking about this, because to be honest i am feeling frumpy, i am not complaining, its just as the moment none of my clothes fit, and well, i cant tell people, so i just feel frumpy.  And it got me thinking because, well, what if this person who had been asking all my friends and family if i was pregnant, what if i wasnt pregnant but just gained weight?  What if then other people started assuming i was pregnant, and really i wasnt, now that would be a hard blow, because i am sure that someone would have eventually asked...

Now i know none of that makes any sence what so ever, BUT it does make me go back to my origional point, that well, really shouldnt sometimes you just keep your thoughts and assuptions to yourself?  Because i can tell you there have been a number of times when i assumed something and i wish i had just shut my mouth...

We dance round in a ring and suppose, While the secret sits in the middle and knows Robert Frost

To be honest i have a weee lil bit of a temper... My sister and i call it the "Bowen trait" and we have always said that any man that can put up with a Bowen is a keeper, and well we have both found our keepers... And after last night i am not sure my keeper really knew what he was in for when he said "I do"!

It is a fact that sometimes my frustrations get the better of me and i will just get so angry and overwhelmed and something i am doing or a situation that i have put myself into that i just have to stomp or yell it out...

And last night i shocked myself, because for the first time in my pregnancy i got all worked up and frustrated, and i honestly couldnt help it!  I tried not to get upset, i tried to be calm, but i couldnt, i just got so annoyed at the situation - and it really started worrying me.

This couldnt have been good for lil george, getting so worked up inside?  I asked myself how do i stop? And last night i did something i dont usually do.  I gave up.  I shut my computer, got a bowl of ice-cream, and gave up... I went to bed without a solution.  I have NEVER done that in my life!  I always go to be with solutions, and i always finish what i am doing, and i never emotional eat... But i did.

I think last night this was a wise decision, but i dont want to be the person who gives up... I want to conquer and succeed!  I want to find a solution to my challenges.

So my question this morning is not how to avoid the frustration, because we all know that is impossible, it is how on earth do i stop myself getting so worked up and find a solution that is not giving in?  How do i control the uncontrollable?  How do i realise i am in the middle of a situation that can only be solved when i am calm?

I need to be the one that succeeds, but now i need to be the one that doesnt get so frustrated and angry first...

Our frustration is greater when we have much and want more than when we have nothing and want some. We are less dissatisfied when we lack many things than when we seem to lack but one thing. Eric Hoffer

I have to admit, i thought that once i was pregnant i would have gotten over the whole googeling thing...  Or perhaps i knew i was going to Google, but i assumed it would be all bells and whistles, roses and blue skies...

But alas, i was once again wrong, so i am placing a formal compliant to the allusive Dr Google.

Dear Dr Google,

I would just like to begin this letter on a positive note by letting you know that your brothers Google, Google images, and Google Maps who are not doctors, often give me great assistance when needed, they are helpful and rarely negative, and always answer with only one key word.

However Dr Google, you on the other hand seem to like to inform me of nothing but negatives.  I asked you my success rates of IVF, and you spat out numerous articles all averaging less that my clinic percentage, didnt you understand i was looking for a 99% probability?

I asked you the symptoms of implantation, and BOY did you get that one wrong!  If i had had a better answer, maybe i would have had more hope earlier on...

I also asked you about the side effects of the drugs i was taking, did you tell me it would be ok, and everything i was experiencing was normal?  No No Dr Google, you told me that the side effects would only get worse, and you continually spat literature at me - that's not what i was looking for!

And most recently, Dr Google, I ask you about fetal development, and what do you tell me? You told me miscarriage rates and you told me about birth defects , that is right, as positively as you try to spin it, and no matter how hard you try to hide it from me, i still read it!

So Dr Google, this is a request not only from myself, but from my fellow TTC'ers and my fellow 1st trimester'ers... GET RID OF ANY NEGATIVITY!

We want nothing but positive data from now on, now i am not saying that you should lie, i am just saying that you should admit all the 'bad press'.  All that info that we 'really didnt need to know'.

So if you could do me a favour and in future simply just leave out all the negative answers and just really give me what i am looking for, that would be greatly apprecaited.

If you have any questions please do not hesitate to comment below.

Regards,

Chasing A Miracle.

PS - Why am i still not at the top of your search? Nobody really cares about the sixty minutes story in 2007...

People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong. Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom? Thich Nhat Hanh

I love where i live, "beautiful one day, perfect the next" - that is Queensland, Australia for you.  I have always loved living here and i think the only move i will ever make will be to the sunshine coast (about an hour from where i live now)...

But earlier this week as i listened to the radio i had to agree with what they were saying... We are so far behind, and i dont know much about politics but as i listened to what our MP's were saying i was disgusted!

It took our parliament a whole 17 hours to decide to make surrogacy legal in Queensland, that is right you heard it, before wednesday last week surrogacy was illegal in my state.  And my disgust doesnt come solely from the fact that it was illegal, it came from the fact that it took 17 hours for these people to make a decision, and not only that, some of the "facts" or "reasons" behind keeping it illegal, well i say send them back to the middle ages, and stone them to death!

These are the people who are suppose to represent us, these are the people who are meant to stand for current times and current society, they are the people who are meant to accept what is acceptable, they are meant to represent our future, and here they are debating something that i believe should have been made legal as soon as the technology was avaliable...

But nooooooooooooooo.... These people, 40 out of the 88 votes, are so far up there own asses they were coming up with reasons (from what i have heard) such as "gay couples ordering children like pets" or "same sex couples not being able to take their child to a public bathroom" or my favorite so far "This is an assault on the deepest relationship between a mother and child." (abc.net) or what about "People have no idea the cultural implications of the state decreeing that a man and another man - or just a man on his own - is identical in law to a mother and father from a child's perspective"

WTF?

"The opposition is adamant that same-sex couples and single parents must be excluded from any reforms to surrogacy arrangements.  Some church and family groups agree, saying the reforms, as they're currently proposed, will threaten the traditional family model and normalise same-sex parenting." (brisbanetimes.com)

WTF WTF WTF?!?!?!

What is my state coming to? What about just having a family that loves a child? What about giving same sex couple a CHANCE to fit into society, give them a chance to become the norm... As the radio station said, it is like saying that non Caucasian  people dont have the right to children... And the truth is EVERYONE has the right to be a parent, i dont care who you are, what you have done, or who you may or may not become, you have the RIGHT to become a parent.

And you know what? How come f**cking crack whores and dealers, and murderers still have the right to becoming a parent? Why not make that illegal, i am 100% sure that a little girl would be better of with two daddies than a crack whore of a mother, and an abuser of a father?

Am i wrong, oh important people of this state, am i wrong? shall we just go and do a study and see which child is better off??!!!

Go back to to the middle ages... Cause i will be waiting there with my stones...

On the other side of things, thank you to those 48 votes who actually are with the times, and actually have half a brain...

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy. Earnest Benn

I am not a dreamer, i am a believer...

I believe in my future and i believe in myself, but i am not a dreamer...

I have never really been a dreamer, i am not talking about the dream of my life, and i am not talking about "i dreamed a dream" nope i am simply talking about dreams.  I am not a dreamer.

Each day i wake fresh, with no memories of dreams, ever, never...

Until about a fortnight ago... Now i am a dreamer... and just quietly, it is freaking me out.

I now wake with vivid memories of endless dreams, dreams that i assume mean nothing, but dreams that make me think of things i never thought about before.

Strange disconnected, unrealistic dreams about people i have never meet, people i have meet in passing, people i may never meet...  About places i have never been, places i once travelled in my youth, places that may not even exist.

For a person who has never been a dreamer before, these experiences each night are strange and imprint weird thoughts and memories into my mind, they make me think about my subconsious and why i have these thoughts in my head.

Dreams confuse me to say the least.

Has my child made me a dreamer? Will the dreams become stranger, or more realistic, and do they mean anything?  Right now to me my dreams are meaningless yet so puzzeling i want to understand them....

But i know that i may never know what my dreams mean, let alone understand them, or control them...

So for now i am a dreamer....

You see things; and you say, "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?" George Bernard Shaw

You would think that once you are pregnant the anxiety goes away, wouldnt you?

You would think that by now i would be certain that things are ok, that everything is progressing as it should be, and you would think by now that i could just go with the flow and know in my heart that this is meant to be and will be...

You would think.

But, in my case, nope....

Some days are better than others, but today i am not nauseous, and instead of celebrating and enjoying the moment, i am worried.  I shouldnt be worried, i am quite sure this is normal, but there is that tiny incy wincy voice that always says "what if"...

99.9% of the time i am able to stop the fear, pray it away, feel fine in the knowledge that God has given my a miracle, and will look after me and George... but you know... just that 0.1% niggles away...

I hope it gets easier, i hope that i will be able to put my fears aside...  But am i holding out for something that may never come?

There are so many emotions that i am feeling today, and another little part of me wonders if that is just the hormones playing tricks on me....

Is this the way it is for everyone? Or for first timers at least? And will i find peace shortly?

We seek peace, knowing that peace is the climate of freedom. Dwight D. Eisenhower

I have now known for two full weeks that i am pregnant, and only now is the real excitement setting in... And the nerves...

I have waited so long for this moment, for this time where we get to think about all the things that we never got to think about before, but how soon is too soon to start planning? To start researching...  I dont mean all the boring stuff like finances, i am talking about the FUN stuff, you know, the baby nursary, the cots, the prams, the  redecorating, painting... The baby shower...  THE NAMES? OMG we will be responsible for naming a HUMAN! EKK... (thats where the nerves set in, oh that and labor, but thats another blog another time)

How long do i wait before i start planning that stuff? Before we start discussing names?  I cant wait to go shopping for baby stuff to start decorating the room, i know that is already done in my head, i know exactly what i want, but you know, the reaserching on line, the shopping, oh the buying of baby stuff...

Is it too soon, should i wait longer before i get excited, before i start setting things in concrete, or should i dare to show my excitement, dare to discuss the previously undiscussable topics?

Oh the possiblilties are endless, if i start now... i may just change my mind one thousand and one times before i actually get to decorate and shop...

And the sad thing is, i am just excited that i get to write that i am excited!

Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning. Gloria Steinem

What if?

I wish i could get all negatives out of my head, but there seems to be one little thought that is stuck right on in there...

What if?

I am working so hard against my fears and doubts, and i am praying each and everyday for george, but i get a cramp, or back pain, or just a feeling, and, well, my fears return.

I havent done this before, i dont know how i am meant to feel, and i dont know the difference between a good feeling and a bad feeling, i dont know how tired i am meant to be, how hungry i am meant to feel...  It is leaving me quite confused!

But am i being paranoid?

I want to be happy... No, no I AM HAPPY, i am the happiest and most excited i have ever been, and i think the paranoia will ease in four weeks, when i get through what has seemingly been labeled the "danger period"

I think the worst thing for me is people saying "just wait until the 12 weeks" "just see what happens"

I dont understand that...  I know i am paranoid, but i have right to be - it is my body doing weird things, other people they should just be happy, none of these doubts, or at least not out loud...

I dont know, maybe i am just being silly, maybe  i am just tired, maybe this is normal....

All i know is i cant wait to hold my little george in my arms, and i know my husband feels the same, and we just want this to be the most perfect trouble free pregnancy....

A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on. William S. Burroughs

Argh! I swore ages ago that when i fell pregnant, i wouldnt over eat and i would make sure that i kept up my healthy lifestyle... But i tell you it is hard!

For the last three years i have chosen to have a very healthy diet, where my calories were limited to about 1200 a day... Now i am not trying to stick to that, nope not at all, but i thought that i could continue the way i used to eat at least for the first little while... Nope - WRONG!

I am HUNGRY!  And i know it is my body just using the energy it needs... But still, it is like i cant get full... And not feeling well as well just makes it harder and harder to know what to eat, and when to eat it!

I am eating fruit - 2 pieces a day, plus breakfast, plus a large salad for lunch, then a huge dinner, but still - HUNGRY! I ate tea a half hour ago, well ok, maybe an hour ago, and i am starving again....

I really wish there was like a strict diet plan for pregnancy, where you were told what to eat and when to eat it, that is what i am used to see, my personal trainer used to give me a chart of what to eat and at what time to eat it... Call me silly or insane, but that is what i am used to - and it worked for me, i was never hungry, and i always knew what to eat and when to eat it, and i always knew i was treating my body correctly... Now, well as you can see i am just confused... silly really...

It makes me wonder if it is meant to be like this?  Or if my brain is playing tricks on me?

Sanity in a world of insanity is insane

Have you every just felt so tired that nothing makes sense and everything is just goes into the 'to hard basket'?

That is me...

Too hard today... It is all too hard...

I was feeling upset because no one understood, i was feeling misunderstood, and like everyone was against me, like no one could possibly get what i went through or why the decisions i was trying to make were so hard for me to make.  I felt like everyone was being so hypocritical...

But then i realized how tired i was, and that pressuring myself to make a decision RIGHT now was not helping me or George...  i decided that i just needed time for myself to think it through, to decide what i really want, to be more informed in my decision...

So today, i leave it there...

Love is what makes you smile when you're tired. Anon

Who de fool?

We are!

I'd like to say that i was prepared for all of this... I'd like to say that we had been smart and thought of everything BEFORE we started TTCing, but to be honest we just stopped taking the pill and thought all would work itself out from there... But it didnt!

As you all know we needed help, and that became our priority, we didnt even really think about anything pregnancy related, well i didnt at least, for fear of disappointment later on...

So now that we have actually reached the goal that all married couples hope to reach, we have found ourselves unprepared for the questions that have now risen...

Two such topics came up in thursdays doctors appointment...

1. Private or Public - you see in Aus here you can choose whether to purchase health insurance or not, and silly DH & I said "when will we ever need that?" It seems now, we need it!  The debate with DH is, is the money worth it? I say yes, due to the fact of personalized care, and due to the fact that we have spend so much getting to this point.. We would never forgive ourselves if we didnt get the best care for our child.  DH's perspective, i could take more time off work...?
2. (Ewww) Vaginal Birth or C-Section - So i always assumed that vaginal was the norm... Nope it seems i was wrong, no norms anymore!  Apparently now there is a choice, and doctors seem to recommend C-Section...  But in saying that, that will only be an option if i go private, and it will cost more... But in saying THAT, again we only want the best for our baby, and what is best for our miracle...?

There are so many things i never even thought we would have to think about... And so many different opinions, i thought it would be nurseries and fluffy toys from here on in, i think i thought i knew what i wanted...  It is like this scary, wonderful, magnificent furr ball all wrapped up, and caught in my throat!

Ekkk... How do i want my baby to enter the world?   All I know i just want the safest and healthiest way for my baby, no matter the cost to me financially or physically... Now DH and i just have to find the guts make the choices....

HELP?!

Choices are the hinges of destiny.  ~Attributed to both Edwin Markham and Pythagoras

I was planning to post not only a wordless wednesday, but also i was thinking of blogging about something that rang true to me this morning... But then as i began to write, i began hesitating, i saved the draft and wondered if i should post or or not...

I will post it, but tomorrow...

The point is, lately i have been feeling reserved, like i am not sure where to go from here, or rather i know exactly what to write about, but i am worried about offending everyone... I dont know why i should feel so reserved - especially since i have never cared before, but now, it is like my miracle has come along, and now i am worried that if i write how i feel i will offend the friends i have made along the way to my miracle, or even worse offend my miracle...

I am so confused at the moment about where i stand... I know how all the TTC people feel, i have been there, but i feel like such a hypocrite now saying that it will be ok, cause for me it is ok - isnt it?

I also have my believes and sometimes i think that when i write about them, and my faith, or try to express my feelings  i am doing it wrong and i often feel that when i write i am offending the very people i want to learn from... I know i will move past these reservations, and i know that this blog in the end is for me and my miracle, but...

I dont know, i just feel like i need to hold back... or that i am holding back?

There is safety in reserve, but no attraction. One cannot love a reserved person. Jane Austen

Today i pray, because while i have complete faith that what is meant to be will be, i am scared... I have no idea how i will face the next few days, i have to be positive, but i am still scared to let myself hope for fear of devastation.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for giving George the chance she has had, thank you for giving her the strength to grow each day, and each day showing me a new miracle.

I pray now that you continue to give George the strength to keep growing, i pray that you give our embryo a heart, the most beautiful heart that will grow to love you and your word.  I pray that Georges heart, the heart you give life to this week, grows stronger and stronger by the day and by the minute...

I pray that this miracle of ours proves that you are real, proves living each day by faith and trusting in you brings miracles, proves that we all can trust in the power of prayer...

Lord, as i do each day, i pray for all the ladies out there who have suffered or are suffering in a story similar to mine, i pray that you give them courage they need to continue, and most importantly peace within, and the ability to find happiness.

I also pray for the women out there who dont understand what it is like to appreciate life, nor see the miracle in each life that you give, i pray that somehow they find compassion and understanding as well as the ability to appreciate what you have blessed them with...

Lord, thank you for all you have blessed me with, and i ask once more that you be with George and give her all the strength that she needs...

In Jesus Name i Pray

Amen...

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 NKJV