Day 133 – How am i going to get through this day?

February 2, 2010 0 Comments

Nine weeks. Day 65 in the quest to chase our little miracle

You would think that once you are pregnant the anxiety goes away, wouldnt you?

You would think that by now i would be certain that things are ok, that everything is progressing as it should be, and you would think by now that i could just go with the flow and know in my heart that this is meant to be and will be…

You would think.

But, in my case, nope….

Some days are better than others, but today i am not nauseous, and instead of celebrating and enjoying the moment, i am worried.  I shouldnt be worried, i am quite sure this is normal, but there is that tiny incy wincy voice that always says “what if”…

99.9% of the time i am able to stop the fear, pray it away, feel fine in the knowledge that God has given my a miracle, and will look after me and George… but you know… just that 0.1% niggles away…

I hope it gets easier, i hope that i will be able to put my fears aside…  But am i holding out for something that may never come?

There are so many emotions that i am feeling today, and another little part of me wonders if that is just the hormones playing tricks on me….

Is this the way it is for everyone? Or for first timers at least? And will i find peace shortly?

We seek peace, knowing that peace is the climate of freedom. Dwight D. Eisenhower

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Day 130 – When is too soon?

January 30, 2010 0 Comments

Eight weeks, four days. Day 62 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I have now known for two full weeks that i am pregnant, and only now is the real excitement setting in… And the nerves…

I have waited so long for this moment, for this time where we get to think about all the things that we never got to think about before, but how soon is too soon to start planning? To start researching…  I dont mean all the boring stuff like finances, i am talking about the FUN stuff, you know, the baby nursary, the cots, the prams, the  redecorating, painting… The baby shower…  THE NAMES? OMG we will be responsible for naming a HUMAN! EKK… (thats where the nerves set in, oh that and labor, but thats another blog another time)

How long do i wait before i start planning that stuff? Before we start discussing names?  I cant wait to go shopping for baby stuff to start decorating the room, i know that is already done in my head, i know exactly what i want, but you know, the reaserching on line, the shopping, oh the buying of baby stuff…

Is it too soon, should i wait longer before i get excited, before i start setting things in concrete, or should i dare to show my excitement, dare to discuss the previously undiscussable topics?

Oh the possiblilties are endless, if i start now… i may just change my mind one thousand and one times before i actually get to decorate and shop…

And the sad thing is, i am just excited that i get to write that i am excited!

Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning. Gloria Steinem

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Day 126 – Am i paranoid?

January 26, 2010 0 Comments

Eight weeks Day 59 in the quest to chase our little miracle

What if?

I wish i could get all negatives out of my head, but there seems to be one little thought that is stuck right on in there…

What if?

I am working so hard against my fears and doubts, and i am praying each and everyday for george, but i get a cramp, or back pain, or just a feeling, and, well, my fears return.

I havent done this before, i dont know how i am meant to feel, and i dont know the difference between a good feeling and a bad feeling, i dont know how tired i am meant to be, how hungry i am meant to feel…  It is leaving me quite confused!

But am i being paranoid?

I want to be happy… No, no I AM HAPPY, i am the happiest and most excited i have ever been, and i think the paranoia will ease in four weeks, when i get through what has seemingly been labeled the “danger period”

I think the worst thing for me is people saying “just wait until the 12 weeks” “just see what happens”

I dont understand that…  I know i am paranoid, but i have right to be – it is my body doing weird things, other people they should just be happy, none of these doubts, or at least not out loud…

I dont know, maybe i am just being silly, maybe  i am just tired, maybe this is normal….

All i know is i cant wait to hold my little george in my arms, and i know my husband feels the same, and we just want this to be the most perfect trouble free pregnancy….

A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what’s going on. William S. Burroughs

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Day 125 – I think the body knows what the body needs…

January 25, 2010 0 Comments

Seven Weeks, six days. Day 58 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Argh! I swore ages ago that when i fell pregnant, i wouldnt over eat and i would make sure that i kept up my healthy lifestyle… But i tell you it is hard!

For the last three years i have chosen to have a very healthy diet, where my calories were limited to about 1200 a day… Now i am not trying to stick to that, nope not at all, but i thought that i could continue the way i used to eat at least for the first little while… Nope – WRONG!

I am HUNGRY!  And i know it is my body just using the energy it needs… But still, it is like i cant get full… And not feeling well as well just makes it harder and harder to know what to eat, and when to eat it!

I am eating fruit – 2 pieces a day, plus breakfast, plus a large salad for lunch, then a huge dinner, but still – HUNGRY! I ate tea a half hour ago, well ok, maybe an hour ago, and i am starving again….

I really wish there was like a strict diet plan for pregnancy, where you were told what to eat and when to eat it, that is what i am used to see, my personal trainer used to give me a chart of what to eat and at what time to eat it… Call me silly or insane, but that is what i am used to – and it worked for me, i was never hungry, and i always knew what to eat and when to eat it, and i always knew i was treating my body correctly… Now, well as you can see i am just confused… silly really…

It makes me wonder if it is meant to be like this?  Or if my brain is playing tricks on me?

Sanity in a world of insanity is insane

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Day 124 – Have you ever felt so tired?

January 24, 2010 0 Comments

Seven Weeks, five days. Day 57 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Have you every just felt so tired that nothing makes sense and everything is just goes into the ‘to hard basket’?

That is me…

Too hard today… It is all too hard…

I was feeling upset because no one understood, i was feeling misunderstood, and like everyone was against me, like no one could possibly get what i went through or why the decisions i was trying to make were so hard for me to make.  I felt like everyone was being so hypocritical…

But then i realized how tired i was, and that pressuring myself to make a decision RIGHT now was not helping me or George…  i decided that i just needed time for myself to think it through, to decide what i really want, to be more informed in my decision…

So today, i leave it there…

Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired. Anon

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Day 123 – Wha? You never thought of that?

January 23, 2010 0 Comments

Seven Weeks, four days. Day 56 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Who de fool?

We are!

I’d like to say that i was prepared for all of this… I’d like to say that we had been smart and thought of everything BEFORE we started TTCing, but to be honest we just stopped taking the pill and thought all would work itself out from there… But it didnt!

As you all know we needed help, and that became our priority, we didnt even really think about anything pregnancy related, well i didnt at least, for fear of disappointment later on…

So now that we have actually reached the goal that all married couples hope to reach, we have found ourselves unprepared for the questions that have now risen…

Two such topics came up in thursdays doctors appointment…

  1. Private or Public – you see in Aus here you can choose whether to purchase health insurance or not, and silly DH & I said “when will we ever need that?” It seems now, we need it!  The debate with DH is, is the money worth it? I say yes, due to the fact of personalized care, and due to the fact that we have spend so much getting to this point.. We would never forgive ourselves if we didnt get the best care for our child.  DH’s perspective, i could take more time off work…?
  2. (Ewww) Vaginal Birth or C-Section – So i always assumed that vaginal was the norm… Nope it seems i was wrong, no norms anymore!  Apparently now there is a choice, and doctors seem to recommend C-Section…  But in saying that, that will only be an option if i go private, and it will cost more… But in saying THAT, again we only want the best for our baby, and what is best for our miracle…?

There are so many things i never even thought we would have to think about… And so many different opinions, i thought it would be nurseries and fluffy toys from here on in, i think i thought i knew what i wanted…  It is like this scary, wonderful, magnificent furr ball all wrapped up, and caught in my throat!

Ekkk… How do i want my baby to enter the world?   All I know i just want the safest and healthiest way for my baby, no matter the cost to me financially or physically… Now DH and i just have to find the guts make the choices….

HELP?!

Choices are the hinges of destiny.  ~Attributed to both Edwin Markham and Pythagoras

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Day 120 – I reserve the right not to be reserved

January 20, 2010 0 Comments

Seven Weeks, one day. Day 53 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I was planning to post not only a wordless wednesday, but also i was thinking of blogging about something that rang true to me this morning… But then as i began to write, i began hesitating, i saved the draft and wondered if i should post or or not…

I will post it, but tomorrow…

The point is, lately i have been feeling reserved, like i am not sure where to go from here, or rather i know exactly what to write about, but i am worried about offending everyone… I dont know why i should feel so reserved – especially since i have never cared before, but now, it is like my miracle has come along, and now i am worried that if i write how i feel i will offend the friends i have made along the way to my miracle, or even worse offend my miracle…

I am so confused at the moment about where i stand… I know how all the TTC people feel, i have been there, but i feel like such a hypocrite now saying that it will be ok, cause for me it is ok – isnt it?

I also have my believes and sometimes i think that when i write about them, and my faith, or try to express my feelings  i am doing it wrong and i often feel that when i write i am offending the very people i want to learn from… I know i will move past these reservations, and i know that this blog in the end is for me and my miracle, but…

I dont know, i just feel like i need to hold back… or that i am holding back?

There is safety in reserve, but no attraction. One cannot love a reserved person. Jane Austen

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Day 112 – And Today I #Pray

January 12, 2010 0 Comments

praying-handsLimbo Land Day Eighteen… Day 45 in the final quest to chase our little miracle

Today i pray, because while i have complete faith that what is meant to be will be, i am scared… I have no idea how i will face the next few days, i have to be positive, but i am still scared to let myself hope for fear of devastation.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for giving George the chance she has had, thank you for giving her the strength to grow each day, and each day showing me a new miracle.

I pray now that you continue to give George the strength to keep growing, i pray that you give our embryo a heart, the most beautiful heart that will grow to love you and your word.  I pray that Georges heart, the heart you give life to this week, grows stronger and stronger by the day and by the minute…

I pray that this miracle of ours proves that you are real, proves living each day by faith and trusting in you brings miracles, proves that we all can trust in the power of prayer…

Lord, as i do each day, i pray for all the ladies out there who have suffered or are suffering in a story similar to mine, i pray that you give them courage they need to continue, and most importantly peace within, and the ability to find happiness.

I also pray for the women out there who dont understand what it is like to appreciate life, nor see the miracle in each life that you give, i pray that somehow they find compassion and understanding as well as the ability to appreciate what you have blessed them with…

Lord, thank you for all you have blessed me with, and i ask once more that you be with George and give her all the strength that she needs…

In Jesus Name i Pray

Amen…

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 NKJV

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Day 111 – Today i dare to hope…

January 11, 2010 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Seventeen… Day 44 in the final quest to chase our little miracle

To my dearest little miracle,

Today i dare to hope, i dare to believe, i dare to have the faith i should always have had.

My little miracle, i tell you no lies, i am scared like i have never been scared before.   I want you more than anything on this earth, and today, today i dared to believe that i would have you, that i could have you, that you are really there inside of me growing into the perfect child i know you will be.

new_born_baby_checklistToday i imagined that a year from now i would be cherishing a moment with you, i dreamed that my miracle was real, and i shouted it to the world, i dared to hope that my miracle, you would be in my arms by my third wedding anniversary…

Today i put on paper the day, day 44 in my quest for you, day 44 of hope, day 44 of the most confusing roller coaster ride i have ever experienced… But if it means day 44 in the beginning of your life, i dont care, i wont leave this roller coaster ride until i have you safely in my arms…

My miracle once more i hold on to the quote, “when the world shouts ‘give up’… Hope whispers ‘one more time’”… You are my one more time, you are my miracle, you make me believe that all things are possible, and that love holds no boundaries… You are my hope… And i will always love you…

Love from a mother that may never be.

Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep believing, the dream that you wish will come true. Anon

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Day 110 – Lost and Confused…

January 10, 2010 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Fifteen

Have you ever looked at yourself and hated what you looked like, hated how you feel, hated what you had become, just hated it?  Have you ever felt so lost and confused, so up and down, so many emotions that it makes you so confused that you end up hating yourself?

Have you ever just wanted to curl up and cry, cry away your pain, cry till you couldnt cry anymore, cry and scream like no one was watching, cry until it was all ok, and you got what you wanted?

Have you ever woken up and not known who you are anymore, not known how you got to where you were and not know what you will do now? Woken up and felt like you should just go back to sleep, back to a blank screen, back to where everything is possible, and hope is never taken from you, where dreams are created, and where peace is guaranteed?

Have you ever wondered why this journey is such a roller coaster ride, why it couldnt have been easier, and why you were the once chosen to suffer from this kind of pain?  Have you ever just looked out into the sky and wondered when it is exactly that you will get your hope back, when this part of the journey will be over, when this will stop, when you will just be able to forget your woes and smile just because the sky is blue?

Have you ever wondered why yesterday you were ok, and today you are not?  Why yesterday you had the peace of mind that no matter the outcome you would be ok, but today you are scared, lost, and so confused you cant even get out of bed?

Have you ever just wanted to turn the switch off?

Have you ever just wanted nothing more than answers, hope in tomorrow, want to like who you are, wanted this pain to stop, and wanted your life to stop being in limbo land.

Have you ever just wanted one thing, one thing that is the thing you never expected that you would have to beg and plead for?

I just want peace and happiness, to have faith in tomorrow, and to know exactly where i stand in this world, so i can begin to find out who i am once more.

Peace is not something you wish for; It’s something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away. Robert Fulghum

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