To my dearest little miracle,

I wrote you a letter.  150 days ago i began by writing you a letter.  I honestly didnt think that you would ever read that letter, i thought that it would be a way to help me through my grief.  I thought that if i wrote you a letter, if i wrote down how i was feeling, then i might be able to get through my hardship with a little less tears.  I never thought that i would be sitting in my lounge room 150 days later, writing a letter to someone that is really alive.

In three sleeps, in just four days, i will meet you my miracle, your father and i will look on the screen and see your perfectly formed body, we will see you, in more than just 'blob' form.

My miracle, just the thought of you in there, fills me with such joy, with such anticipation for september, it is hard to express just how much you mean to me.  I write you this letter today, knowing that no more are you a fantasy, no more are you a figment of my imagination, no more are you a dream to aspire to, you are alive, and you are ours.

I pray each day that the lord blesses you with health and happiness, i pray each day for your saftey in there, and i pray that i can nurture you in the best way that i know how.   I want nothing more than to wake up next wednesday mroning, knowing that you are a happy healthy little baby, growing perfectly, just as a true miracle should.

I know that i have said that i am scared, and i know that i have said that i have fear, but today i choose to have faith and believe that the Lord who blessed me with a miracle, will too bless me with nothing but a beautiful child formed in his image.

I have grown to love you my tiny miracle, and i will continue to grow in loving you each and every second until the day i meet you, and even then, it will not stop.

Stay strong, and no matter what, always remember, that i am your mother, and you are my miracle.

Love from a mother that will be.

Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof. Kahlil Gibran

Imagine you are at the airport about to walk through the gates on to a plane that is taking you on the most exciting adventure, you turn around and there are your friends standing there waving you good bye, they cant come with you, you know that you may see them again, but for now, you must say good bye...

For nearly a year i went to the Life Fertility Clinic, nearly twice a week, each week, always being greeted by the same smiling faces, always being cared for by the most caring people.  Each time i walked into that clinic i felt like i was loved, like someone cared enough to remember my name.

A year ago they were strangers to me, but on friday as i went down the elevator for the last time, i felt empty, like i was walking away from friends.  I felt like i had come all this way, i was now ready for my grand adventure, but all my friends, all the people that stood by me through the toughest time, the people that took my calls even when they were too busy to, the people that shared most of my joys and most of my sadness, well that was it, they were there waving my good bye, wishing me well on my grand adventure.

I know it must sound just that little bit silly, growing attached to the staff at the clinic, but, well... It is true.  They were the ones that were there for me when i thought all hope was lost.  And they were the ones that helped my miracle come true, with out them, i may not be where i am right now.  If i hadnt had that support, if i didnt get the follow up calls, if i didnt have smiling faces each time i went to the clinic, maybe i wouldnt have gone on....Maybe i would have given up the many times i thought i wanted to.

So here i am now, sitting on the plane, waiting for my adventure to begin.  I cant wait for the plane to land, yet i am still sad that my friends cant come along with me.

Maybe one day i will return, and my friends will once again be there for me....  But until then, i will hold a special place in my heart for each and everyone of them.

Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends. Anon

I have to say each time i get one of these i feel just that little bit more special.  I feel like i can make a difference, and that people are listening and caring... So thank you to one of my most favorite bloggers out there, Jen, not only do i love her name i also LOVE LOVE LOVE her posts at The Road to Happily Ever After...

And today (ok ok ok it was yesterday, or maybe the day before - give me a break, i'm tired!!) i was chosen for a Beautiful Blogger Award...

I think this one is a little more special, cause... weeeeeeeelllll.... I am beautiful! (It says it - i have proof now...)

The Rules are:

• Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
• Copy the award and place it in your blog.
• Link the person who nominated you for this award.
• Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
• Nominate 7 bloggers.
• Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

Soooooooooooooooooo....  SEVEN INTERSTING THINGS ABOUT ME!

1. When i was 6 my family and i moved to paris, where my father worked on the tunnel... We lived there for three years, and the thing i remember the most.... When dad told my sister and i there was an elephant out side, and my sister and i ran to the window, only to hear 'APRIL FOOL'... that was my first April fool
2. I have approximately 35 handbags in the top of my cupboard... ok so that is not THAT Many... but i have never 're-used' any of them, if i want a different handbag, i will buy a new one...
3. My next goal in life is to run a 1/2 marathon... my aim is 2011
4. I have a tickle spot.... between my little toe and the next toe, i cant stand it when someone touches it... My husband will often put a piece of something between my toes, then hold my hands so i cant get it out, and it drives me crazy!!
5. I have a mental temper, when i get mad, i get mad... I once threw all the contents of the dishwasher on the floor i was so mad!
6. My favorite TV show is Get Smart
7. I am an early bird, i love mornings... Just LOVE them

Now, SEVEN BLOGGERS WHO I PASS THIS BEAUTIFUL BLOG AWARD ON TO

1. Sarah Hawker
2. Sass Barker
3. Brenda (AKA Prayingforbby)
4. TypeaNightmare
5. Infertility N Me
6. A Girl with Pearls
7. Born 2 b a Mommy

That's it.... Thank you again Jen *MWAH*

A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are. Anon

I am lost for words tonight, i thought that i knew how i felt, i thought i was scared about tomorrow, i thought i knew who i was and what i thought, and then i received an honest opinion...

I realized that this is what i really needed tonight. Something that made me look at my inner most thoughts, my worries, my pain, what i have wanted, and the way i have looked at myself...

Someone to guide me, to let me know that things are ok - but to just take another look.  I realized that everything that i was told was true, that sometimes i fear the worst for unjust reasons, that sometimes i look at myself with an eye of hate, and that sometimes when i doubt what i have, i give reason to let the devil in.

And i think that today, that has been the best gift...

Learning that through my words, i can receive advice.  Learning that i can be healed if i just ask, learning that i am not alone, and that there are wonderful people out there just waiting to help me, to guide me, and to strengthen my faith...

To accept good advice is but to increase one's own ability. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

As the days went by and the time ticked on and as the words emerged, i never imagined that 100 days later i would have made over 100 new friends, i never imagined that i would have so many new people in my life who care SO much for me that they would stay awake just to see my news.  I never imagined that there were so many people out there who could care so much about a stranger.

When you least expect it you will meet a stranger that will change your life forever...

I dont know what you look like, i dont know alot of your names, i dont know what you do and i dont know anything about your lives, your past nor your present, but i do know that you are my friends.  I know that now matter what happens, you care, and i know that no matter what happens, you will be there for me, and i know that no matter what happens i will always know where to find you - and for that, thank you....

I have said this before to other people, but today, today i mean it from the deep depths of my heart, there will never be enough words to say what i need to say, never enough for you to know jsut what you mean to me, never enough to express how i really feel.

For the times when you stayed awake to see my news - thank you.  For the times when you waited, your hearts beating as fast as mine - thank you.  For the times when you simply gave me a *HUG* a *MWAH* a :p and even a - thank you. Thank you for the past 100 days, for your support, for cheering me along when i needed it most, for praying for me when i thought i had lost God, for crossing your fingers and toes for me, thank you. And thank you for the comments that always made me cry...

I wish there was another word for thank you, because i still need to say thank you for just being you, and for just being there for me when i thought i was alone. Without you, without the experiences i have faced over the past 100 days, i would surely not know where i was headed, what to expect, and i would surely not be as at peace with my situation as i am today.

I will not lie, i am scared, i dont know where i am headed, there are no final answers as i had hoped... But i know that i have friends, friends that no matter what happens, no matter where my journey continues to, no matter what my life throws at me next, you will always be there reading and writing comments, helping me through the challenges.

The worst year of my life is now over, and again i say - i wouldnt change it for the earth.

I sit here and i welcome in 2010 with open arms knowing that i have strangers in my life who will be with me holding my hand chasing my miracle each and every day with me.

Once again from the bottom of my heart - thank you.

Love always Cheryl, the mother that may never be...

To my dearest little miracle,

I thought that day 100 would bring me answers, i thought that i would begin the new year knowing just where i stood, and what my plan for 2010 would bring me.  I thought that day 100 would bring me a solid answer to end my journey.

But like many other days on this topsy turvy journey, i say - i was wrong.

There are no answers just yet, not today, not tomorrow, and not even the day after that, just waiting, hoping, praying, believing that you are inside of me growing.

Last night i cried, i cried for you my little miracle and i cried for me.  I cried because i dont know how to live without chasing you, and i cried because i am not sure if this is the end or if this is the beginning...

I cried to God and i asked out loud for peace and happiness, i asked why i cant stop thinking about you, and i asked why day 100 couldnt have brought me the answers i so desperately desired...

As i lay there crying, i turned to your father, i asked him why i couldnt just turn the switch off, why i couldnt go back to being who i was before i was chasing you, why there are never solid answers, and why even in a positive situation, there is still so much turmoil and heartache.  Your father turned to me and said the most sincere thing i have ever heard him say, he told me that God had turned the switch on, and right now, at this point in time, God wanted that switch to stay on.

Your father then rolled over, and in the dead of the night said to me, this is not the end, this is the start of a new journey, its is not over, it is just a new beginning, a new day, a new year, and a new story to be told...

So my little miracle, this is not the end, this is the beginning, and tomorrow marks day one of the rest of my journey Chasing a Miracle, searching for you, hoping and believing that you are in me growing, gaining strength, just waiting to meet us.

Never forget my child, that i will forever chase you, as you will always be in my heart. If i never get the chance to meet you, i promise i will never forget the journey, nor the people i have meet along the way.  And as i have said many times before, know that your father and i love you more than anything on this earth and no matter what happened, no matter what challenges were thrown our way, we faced this journey chasing a miracle searching for you.

Love from a mother that may never be.

What we call the end is also the begining.  The end is where we start from. TS Elliot

I never contemplated a life without children until this morning.

I know this is not the end and i know that there is a plan out there for me somewhere, but honestly i think it is time for me to accept the fact that i may grow up without my own child, without a child with my husband, a life alone...

I dont feel ready to accept this yet, there are other options.  And i know in my heart that this IVF journey, this is not over yet, its just on hold.  But i never really thought about life without children until this morning.

As i was walked along the road in the rain i honestly believe that i went through all the stages of grief but the last, and even right now, at this very moment as i type these words, those emotions are still so real and true to me... And yet at the same time i am so confused inside because i feel like i have no right to grieve, what am i grieving over? I have not lost a child, i have not miscarried, i have told myself this is not the end, but it feels like it is over? Why do i feel like this is the end, why do i feel like it is over?

Where has my hope vanished to?

I want to cry, i want the pain to come out of me though a scream, through a heartfelt soul bearing scream into oblivion, scream to the heavens, a scream so painful that God hears it, a scream so loud that God feels my hurt, so that the earth moves, and the trees shake and everyone know and feels the pain i feel, so that the world knows its over for me, so that i know it is over for me.

Because once this is over i can learn to live, love and hope once again, i can learn what carefree happiness means once more, i can learn once more to love myself for who i am, who i have become, not what i want, and what i cant have, once this is over i can hope for a better tomorrow, rather than hoping for something i may never have.

I must live for MYSELF, hope for MYSELF, and believe only in MYSELF and the life that i have right here and right now, with the people i have, right here and right now.

I must move on so my tomorrows are happy...

Life begins each morning.  Each morning is the open door to a new world – new vista’s, new aims, new tryings. Leigh Mitchell Hodges

Christmas has come, in seven days the year will be done, and in 6 days i will know where 2010 is destined to take me...

This is my 28th christmas eve, and it sometimes amazes me that at this time of year, i always seem to think back on years past and remember what i was doing.

I dont remember a lot from my past but i do remember the Christmas's my family and i celebrated in Paris, and even then it is quite hazy.  There is one christmas i treasure with all my heart but i remember it only because i have this silly photo of my sister and i in these silly princes costumes my mother made for us.

I remember that christmas because it was the year our mother made so many costumes for us, and my sister and i played for years and years with the dress ups, and we always had so much fun creating characters, and showing our mother little skits that we had come up with, ok ok skits that my sister had come up with and had made me her little actor that she got to 'direct'

I would have been about 7 or 8 and i remember i also got a little something extra that year.  My mother made me a cape.  I just loved that cape, it was navy blue on the outside and red on the inside.  It was the same one that my favorite cartoon character wore, i have no idea what that cartoon was called but i remember that it was a woman in a cape that swung from building to building saving the world.

That year i also had begun having nightmares.  Specifically one about a crocodile chasing me in the forest, but i couldnt run.

One night not long after christmas i got one of these nightmares again, my mother of course came running to my room to calm me down, only this time she brought my cape.  she wrapped the cape around me and told me that i was this cartoon character and that i could fight the crocodile and that i didnt have to be scared because i was a super hero now that i had my cape on.

And right now i am sitting here with tear steaming down my face, memories coming flooding back, and i am wish so hard, so hard, that i had remembered this story when my mother was still alive, so that i could have said thank you.

Thank yo for watching those stupid shows my sister made me do, thank you for spending hours making a silly cape just so i could sleep at night, thank you for staying with me and stroking my hair until i feel to sleep, telling me that i was a strong super hero, thank you for taking the time to think of something that would help me sleep, and most of all thank you for giving me memories that i now treasure with all my heart.

If it is one thing i have leart in my life, it is that christmas is for memories, so this year, no matter the situation, no matter the heart ache you have faced, no matter the physical or emotional pain you are in, no matter what the future holds, stop, just stop and breath and remember that tonight is the eve of when Christ was born, and no matter how old or young you are, Christ is watching out for you making sure that these years are the years you will remember and have memories to cherish for the rest of your lifetime.

I pray that you and your families have the most joyous and memorable christmas. Rremember that 2010 is going to be a great year, so put away your woes, raise your glasses and toast to the best last week of the worst year.

Merry Christmas.

Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time. ~Laura Ingalls Wilder

I believe in many things, and i am and have always been a ponderer.  I have this habit of thinking back, and saying to myself, what was i doing this time last week, or last month or last year? I am also a little bit of a believer in fate, you know the old saying "what is meant to be will be"... Things happen for a reason.

And no, today i am not talking about infertility and the reason behind it - i think that one will always remain a mystery.

I am talking about my husband.

He is my soul mate, and fate brought us together.

It sounds really sopy but honestly, there were so many variables that may not have lead to me meeting and eventually marrying him.

December 1999 a fax was sent to our home office.  My father received the fax, and as anyone would do, he read it.  It was not intended for him, it was a wrong number.  My father being the man that he was, rang the senders, and again being the chatty man that he is, began a long conversation with the stranger on the other end of the phone.  I was eavesdropping at the time.  It seemed that the person on the other end of the phone was a recruitment agency, my father was chatting up this lady, attempting to get me a job!

The next thing i can remember was heading into the city, presuming i was going to an interview at a new restaurant, i was so nervous!  I turned up on time, walked into this newly renovated casual restaurant to find about 15 other young people toward the back, i walked over to the group.  My only recollection from there was being thrown an apron and told what my roster was.... I was so confused, i already had the job? Didnt even have an interview!

So after working at this restaurant for about 3 months i began to emerge from my shell, and begun making some great friends... Especially with a few of the young and handsome apprentice chefs.  I had a particularly HUGE crush on one of the pizza chefs... I told my best friend of the time about the pizza guy, and every second i was talking and dreaming about him.

Also at the time i had made friends with one of the other young apprentice chefs, and played silly mobile phone 'prank calls' game with him (This is where we used to see how many times we could 'prank' the other person, how many registered missed calls came up on the screen - the winner was the person who could get as many before the person cleared their screen, a little hard to explain, but a stupid teenage game that kept us up till all hours of the night)

Anyway one day i left my phone at my best friends house, and unbeknown to me she stole the number of my young apprentice chef friend, and stored it in my phone.

One night, a little while after that i finished up my shift at the restaurant, grabbed my bag to find 100 missed calls on my phone! Guess who it was, that bloody apprentice chef... So of course i called him back...

The conversation that followed, from what i remember was very awkward, but as fate had it, with out that phone conversation i wouldnt be where i am today.

The conversation began with "a little birdy told me, you liked me..." HUGH? I didnt say it out loud, but i didnt like him! NOOO! i was still head over heals for the pizza boy, but i knew he would never ask me out... sooo... i just went with it.. I sort of mumbled.. "what little birdy?" and then said yes, to "going out"

So who told the apprentice chef i liked him? My best friend.  She went through my phone and thought that when i was talking about the 'pizza boy' i was talking about the apprentice chef, she thought i was madly in love with the apprentice chef... AND SHE TOLD HIM!  What a mix up!

9 years later i am head over heals, madly in love with the apprentice chef.

And i often ponder back and think... If that fax hadnt been sent to the wrong number i may never have meet my apprentice chef.

"FATE: something that unavoidably befalls a person; that of which is inevitably predetermined"