To my dearest little miracle,

I wrote you a letter.  150 days ago i began by writing you a letter.  I honestly didnt think that you would ever read that letter, i thought that it would be a way to help me through my grief.  I thought that if i wrote you a letter, if i wrote down how i was feeling, then i might be able to get through my hardship with a little less tears.  I never thought that i would be sitting in my lounge room 150 days later, writing a letter to someone that is really alive.

In three sleeps, in just four days, i will meet you my miracle, your father and i will look on the screen and see your perfectly formed body, we will see you, in more than just 'blob' form.

My miracle, just the thought of you in there, fills me with such joy, with such anticipation for september, it is hard to express just how much you mean to me.  I write you this letter today, knowing that no more are you a fantasy, no more are you a figment of my imagination, no more are you a dream to aspire to, you are alive, and you are ours.

I pray each day that the lord blesses you with health and happiness, i pray each day for your saftey in there, and i pray that i can nurture you in the best way that i know how.   I want nothing more than to wake up next wednesday mroning, knowing that you are a happy healthy little baby, growing perfectly, just as a true miracle should.

I know that i have said that i am scared, and i know that i have said that i have fear, but today i choose to have faith and believe that the Lord who blessed me with a miracle, will too bless me with nothing but a beautiful child formed in his image.

I have grown to love you my tiny miracle, and i will continue to grow in loving you each and every second until the day i meet you, and even then, it will not stop.

Stay strong, and no matter what, always remember, that i am your mother, and you are my miracle.

Love from a mother that will be.

Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof. Kahlil Gibran

I have been debating whether or not to write this or not, for fear of making my worst nightmares real, but this blog is me - the real me, inside and out, so i am not going to lie, or dismiss something that i am feeling.  And I am not sure who my audience is now, who is reading my blog, and i apologize if i offend anyone out there, but i am going to continue writing in the only way i know how... By telling the truth about me.

You know when you have news, really really GREAT news, people are so very excited for you, over the moon, so much so that it brings a tear to their eye?  But then, they care so much for you, they try to reassure you that it is going to be ok, even when you never thought it wouldnt?

I have gotten twice now "As long as you make it through the first 12 weeks"

They care, i know they do, they are just being real... and i wont lie, i am scared, i have my fears, but in the end i have to be positive, i have to rebuke my fears and doubts and just believe. I must to have faith, i do have faith...

But this is all so new to me, so exciting, so life defining, everything i ever imagined, how could i not pinch myself, do a double take, want to make sure this is real, and that it is not in my head, and make sure that it will never end?

Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible. Mary McLeod Bethune

To my dearest little miracle,

I never imagined that something so small could bring me so much joy.  I never imagined i would feel so much love so early on... But you have, and i do...

For a long time i wasnt allowed to believe you were mine, for so long i was told to proceed with caution, but i have to believe this is it, i have to believe you are in there, your heart beating stronger and stronger each minute, and i believe with all my heart and soul that my little miracle, you will be with me and your father in the spring of 2010.

I may be told to proceed with caution, but i have waited for so long for this moment, for this dream to become reality, i want to cherish every moment of it... And because you fill my heart with a joy i never imagined possible, because i love you so dearly more and more each day, because i believe that you are my miracle, i pray.

I pray each and every day for you, and i will pray for you each day until i hold you in my arms, and even then i wont stop praying for you.  I want you to know that you are a miracle, and i want you to believe that no matter how much science can explain your existence, i believe with every ounce of my being, that you are a miracle, sent to me from the Lord above...

Love from a mother that will be...

For those who have love there are always miracles

To my dearest little miracle,

I chased you, i sought you, and now i see you... One week ago i saw a void, i saw a miracle begin...  Today i witnessed yet another miracle, today i saw your little heart beat, i saw a life inside of me that is no bigger than a few millimeters... My little miracle, today i got to celebrate your life, today i finally got the confirmation that you were alive, that you were really there, that you my little miracle will one day soon be in my arms...

Happiness overcame me, tears flowed down my cheeks as i saw this tiny little life inside of me move... I have never experienced anything as amazing as i did today, i have never felt so overwhelmed with the knowledge that there is a God and he is listening...

My miracle there is nothing more that can express to you my deepest emotions...

Love from a mother that will be

You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen. Paulo Coelho

Today i pray, because while i have complete faith that what is meant to be will be, i am scared... I have no idea how i will face the next few days, i have to be positive, but i am still scared to let myself hope for fear of devastation.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for giving George the chance she has had, thank you for giving her the strength to grow each day, and each day showing me a new miracle.

I pray now that you continue to give George the strength to keep growing, i pray that you give our embryo a heart, the most beautiful heart that will grow to love you and your word.  I pray that Georges heart, the heart you give life to this week, grows stronger and stronger by the day and by the minute...

I pray that this miracle of ours proves that you are real, proves living each day by faith and trusting in you brings miracles, proves that we all can trust in the power of prayer...

Lord, as i do each day, i pray for all the ladies out there who have suffered or are suffering in a story similar to mine, i pray that you give them courage they need to continue, and most importantly peace within, and the ability to find happiness.

I also pray for the women out there who dont understand what it is like to appreciate life, nor see the miracle in each life that you give, i pray that somehow they find compassion and understanding as well as the ability to appreciate what you have blessed them with...

Lord, thank you for all you have blessed me with, and i ask once more that you be with George and give her all the strength that she needs...

In Jesus Name i Pray

Amen...

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 NKJV

To my dearest little miracle,

Today i dare to hope, i dare to believe, i dare to have the faith i should always have had.

My little miracle, i tell you no lies, i am scared like i have never been scared before.   I want you more than anything on this earth, and today, today i dared to believe that i would have you, that i could have you, that you are really there inside of me growing into the perfect child i know you will be.

Today i imagined that a year from now i would be cherishing a moment with you, i dreamed that my miracle was real, and i shouted it to the world, i dared to hope that my miracle, you would be in my arms by my third wedding anniversary...

Today i put on paper the day, day 44 in my quest for you, day 44 of hope, day 44 of the most confusing roller coaster ride i have ever experienced... But if it means day 44 in the beginning of your life, i dont care, i wont leave this roller coaster ride until i have you safely in my arms...

My miracle once more i hold on to the quote, "when the world shouts 'give up'... Hope whispers 'one more time'"... You are my one more time, you are my miracle, you make me believe that all things are possible, and that love holds no boundaries... You are my hope... And i will always love you...

Love from a mother that may never be.

Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep believing, the dream that you wish will come true. Anon

Have you ever looked at yourself and hated what you looked like, hated how you feel, hated what you had become, just hated it?  Have you ever felt so lost and confused, so up and down, so many emotions that it makes you so confused that you end up hating yourself?

Have you ever just wanted to curl up and cry, cry away your pain, cry till you couldnt cry anymore, cry and scream like no one was watching, cry until it was all ok, and you got what you wanted?

Have you ever woken up and not known who you are anymore, not known how you got to where you were and not know what you will do now? Woken up and felt like you should just go back to sleep, back to a blank screen, back to where everything is possible, and hope is never taken from you, where dreams are created, and where peace is guaranteed?

Have you ever wondered why this journey is such a roller coaster ride, why it couldnt have been easier, and why you were the once chosen to suffer from this kind of pain?  Have you ever just looked out into the sky and wondered when it is exactly that you will get your hope back, when this part of the journey will be over, when this will stop, when you will just be able to forget your woes and smile just because the sky is blue?

Have you ever wondered why yesterday you were ok, and today you are not?  Why yesterday you had the peace of mind that no matter the outcome you would be ok, but today you are scared, lost, and so confused you cant even get out of bed?

Have you ever just wanted to turn the switch off?

Have you ever just wanted nothing more than answers, hope in tomorrow, want to like who you are, wanted this pain to stop, and wanted your life to stop being in limbo land.

Have you ever just wanted one thing, one thing that is the thing you never expected that you would have to beg and plead for?

I just want peace and happiness, to have faith in tomorrow, and to know exactly where i stand in this world, so i can begin to find out who i am once more.

Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away. Robert Fulghum

To day i witnessed a miracle and a half, and once more my faith has been restored.

I know its sad to say that i needed my faith to be restored, but sometimes, you need to see something that makes you believe, to have hope once more, something that makes you smile uncontrollably - even if its just for one second... Sometimes you just need to see love to know inside of you that sometimes things can really work out.

Today i saw a life born into the arms of two loving parents.  I saw someone give all they have into giving life to a child, and even now it makes me cry and smile all at the same time.

I cant express to you how much gratitude i have for being able to witness such a miracle, and it came just when i needed it most of all... Some would think that i may feel jealous or envious, as i may never be able to experience such a miracle myself... But im not, there is no part of me that felt anything but overwhelming happiness and excitement for what i experienced, and the life that i will be a part of as long as i am on this earth.

I meet a miracle this morning at 11.12am - thirty five minutes earlier than i predicted.  Charlie Jason Angell is the most perfect little Angell who belongs to the two most deserving Angells i know. And while all that was happening, this morning at 9.30am I also saw what could be a miracle, what i hope to be a miracle... I saw a void in my uterus... a void that could possibly grow into a miracle of my own.

I know babies are born every minute of everyday, and for most people, not deserving enough to call a miracle, but if they knew the struggles some women go through, if they sore what it takes to make a baby, if they spent the day with me... They would surely realize just how much life is a wonder...

From a void to a little baby.... Amazing, magical and just the most splendid feeling on this earth...  How on earth can you not believe in a higher power, in miracles, in all that the Lord has to offer, once you know that some cells, a microscopic ball of cells, a void in a uterus... can grow into a little life... Tell me now not to believe...

A new baby is like the beginning of all things-wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities. Eda J. Le Shan

Nine days ago, i was okay with this, i was ready to go beyond IVF, i was ready to accept life without TTC for a little while.  My sketch of hope, faith and love, of my life beyond this mess, gave me the inspiration i needed, i drew this last week when i had finally accepted that this was over...

But now today, all i can do is question why it had to be like this.  And again ask where are you God? Where are you now?  How can i possibly continue to have faith, to believe in miracles, when they are given to me and taken away... A dear dear friend of mine told me that God is not in the business of taking babies, he is in the business of making babies... Then why oh why am i going through this again?  What have i done to deserve this and why must i hurt like this again...?

Maybe i am counting my chickens before they hatch, maybe i have lost faith too early... but how can i not, how can i possibly have hope when all the signs are bad, when i am once again in so much pain?

This is the hardest thing i have ever had to write, because i know that i will be told that it is not true, but no matter what you say, no matter what i am told, i will never ever forgive myself ...

If i could go back in time, if i could take myself back a week, i would be able to stop myself from going for that run, and from doing that heavy workout, and maybe just maybe this woulnt have happened, maybe i would be sitting here writing how my life is so much better, how i am the happiest lady on the earth, but i am not, i am not because i made a mistake, i was scared a week ago, now i feel nothing but guilt.

I wish i knew why this was happening to me, and i wish i had answers, its not fair, it is just not fair, and no matter what i do, no matter how much i have faith, how much i believe, no matter how much i love God, and be the best i can be in Gods eyes, for some reason it is not enough, it is not meant to be, it is not my time...

I know i am headed beyond IVF and i have so much to look forward to, but for just one last time, i say - WHY ME? Why God are you taking this away from me, and why are you making this so hard for me?

And one last time i say grasping for one last breath of hope- maybe the chickens have been counted before they have hatched...

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be. Anon

To my dearest little miracle,

I am sorry, i am so very sorry. I thought i knew, i thought i was so sure that this was it, that this was the end, i thought it was over... I really thought i knew, i thought you wernt there... I thought this was the end for a while, i was ready to give up, but my little one i may be wrong, i may have taken you for granted.

How could i be so wrong, how could i not know? And how could i have been ready to give up? I am just so confused, so scared, so much in limbo land...

I want to have hope, i want to believe that this is it, that you are in me growing, alive and just waiting to meet me, but i finally got used to this being over, and now i am scared that if i hope, if i hold on to that little chance that this is my miracle, that you are here, i am scared that it wont be.  And if you are not, if i have ruined this chance because of my need to run and my need to push myself physically, because of my need to to all the things i was never meant to do, if i have broken this chance through stupidity - i know i will fall apart, and i am scared that i wont be able to pick my self up once more.

I love you my little one, and i promise that i will allow myself just a little bit of hope and faith for you. And my precious one i must confess to you that the other morning on my walk i dared God to show me a miracle.  Maybe this is God, proving to me that it is time for my miracle, and while day 99 nor day 100 of my search for you may not bring me certainty, it will bring me hope.  And in the end my love, this was a journey of hope, faith, and love...

Love from a mother that may never be

Hope, faith and love.  Without these three where would we be?

For some reason today i'm not that inspired... Maybe it is because i am simply living my life at the moment?  It is quite weird, i set out on my journey not looking really to gain anything, with just the thought that i would write down how i am feeling to maybe help me through my emotions personally.  I never really imagined that 35 days later i would have many new friends and feel this content...

It's like i dont feel alone anymore.  I feel like no matter how hard it is, no matter how depressed i feel, there is someone, many ones out there thinking of me and hoping for me just as much as i am hoping for them.

It's no secret that i am a woman of God, and i have found a different strength each day being able to pray for others instead of me, and my family.  I have found that i have purpose being able to pray and hope for others in the same situation as me, a sense of purpose by giving little snippets of advise, trying to be funny, and also asking for help when i needed it.

And you know what?  Who knew that the worst 36 days of my life, was really the best?  And i know at the end of my 100 days, no matter the out come i will still be sitting here, saying the same thing, that the worst 100 days was really the best 100 days of my life.

Of course i have no idea what is going to happen in the next 64 days, at this point in time i am hoping that i will be sharing the first 64 days of my first pregnancy, and at Christmas finally telling everyone i have a "bun in the oven" but again, i dont know.  I may be sitting here in 64 days crying over the fact that it is over, that i may never get to be a mom...Or that my 100 days will turn into 200 days?

And as my boss would say "where is the gift?" This is the adventure in it all i think, finding the gift and following the challenge i have set myself, giving myself something to keep me going emotionally and physically.  Giving myself and believing in a "reason" for my infertility.

I have to say again, and i am sorry for repeating myself, but i really never imagined that i would get this far in so little time, feel this content, or feel like suddenly i am living my life again, trying new things, learning new things, giving little parts of me out to the wide world, making me feel like i have purpose and that i am not just an infertile waste of space....

And you helped me do that, and i really want to thank you for the past 36 days, and also the next 64...

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” Eleanor Roosevelt

I began my morning this morning by opening the Bible.  Yes you heard right, i opened the Bible, it was there, and i said in my head "ill open it and hope that something relevant is infront of me" Well, well, well... there it was...

Jeremiah 12 (The Message)

What Makes You Think You Can Race Against Horses?

^1-4 You are right, O God, and you set things right. I can't argue with that. But I do have some questions:
Why do bad people have it so good?
Why do con artists make it big?
You planted them and they put down roots.
They flourished and produced fruit.
They talk as if they're old friends with you,
but they couldn't care less about you.
Meanwhile, you know me inside and out.
You don't let me get by with a thing!
Make them pay for the way they live,
pay with their lives, like sheep marked for slaughter.
How long do we have to put up with this—
the country depressed, the farms in ruin—
And all because of wickedness, these wicked lives?
Even animals and birds are dying off
Because they'll have nothing to do with God
and think God has nothing to do with them.

Now i'm not sure what all this means, but when i read it i thought about my blog last week - Where are you God?  I realise that i have left my thoughts somewhat unfinished... And i think the reason behind this is because i am torn.

When it comes to god and IVF i really am torn, and there is this sick feeling that comes with it.  The feeling at the bottom of your stomach that makes you think what you are doing is wrong.  Like guilt almost.

I am somewhat torn between logic and faith.  Someone told me today that i cannot sit on the fence, that i have to put my heart into my faith, that to be a christian is to have full faith.  I thought i did have full faith?

Why am i so torn? Why does logic win? Why does this internal debate make me sick?  Do i even want the answers to these questions?  Or maybe living on the fence in my naive way is what i want?

I'm honest - i'm scared, i'm worried that no matter how hard i try, how hard i pray, no matter how much i hope against hope, that God just doesnt want me to have a baby via IVF.  Am i wasting our money? Am i wasting our time? and if i do fall again, will it be taken once more from me? And why can i not be satisfied with what i have? With waiting, with having faith that miracles can happen?

Am i denied a child because i self loath? Am i denied a child because there are bigger things for me? And what about my husband? Doesnt he deserve to make a baby with the one he loves?

I feel like i never had a family, like i want to be the family i never had.  I want to believe in someone, give them strength, show them what i have learnt in life, show them an unconditional love, i want someone to learn from my mistakes, grow from my past.  I want to feel what it is like to have a life grow inside of me - teach them, nurture them, hold them when they cry.  And why should i be denied that?  I dont want to be rich, i dont want to be famous, i dont want to be better than anyone else.  I just want to have a child, someone to share my love i share with my husband.

What is it about faith that makes things so confusing? Shouldn't it be clear? And what if it is clear and i not accepting it? What then? If it all ends now, what do i do, who am i, and where do i go from here?  There are no answers, there are always only questions..

I cant stand it, that i feel so torn, i cant stant it that i cant have what i want, i cant stand it that it feels so unfair, and i cant stand it that i know i am not alone in these feelings.

I'm still angry and i am still hurt, and i am still sitting here looking for answers.

God gave somone the intellagence to be able to create the technique and the science behind IVF - if you look at the process, it really is a miracle, and even with all the technology in the world there is only that 40% chance you will fall pregnant...

And if got gave these people this intelligence, why shouldnt i make use of it?  There is that old story about the drowning man, God sent a boat, a helicopter, and a diver, each time the man told the rescuer not too worry because God will save him... When he faced God upon death the man asks "why did you not save me" God answered "I tried, i sent a boat, a helicopter, and a diver, why did you choose not to be rescued?"

IVF has to be my boat, my helicopter, and IVF has to be my diver - i dont want to face God and ask why i was denied, only to be told that i didnt take his miracle given to me through my doctor, through the scientists, and through the medications and proceedures that people, his people, were wise enough to create.  I want to try everything on this earth, that God has offered, everyone on this earth that God has offered to me, use all of the interlect, all of the hope in this world to go toward my little miracle.

I wish there was a way i could sum up my fears, a way that i could simply let go, feel more at peace with maybe not being a mother...

But there is not.  This is what i want and i fear that i will do anything and everything to get it.

"Hope is knowing that sun has risen even when the clouds cover every ray of light"

I am a christian, i believe in God and i trust that there is a plan for me out there, that for some reason there is an explanation behind my infertility.  That this is meant to make me a stronger person or something, my boss has told me on many occasions that i need to find the "gift" in this - i wish, what possible gift could come of this, what could i possibly learn from this? What reason is there behind denying a woman the right to conceive and carry a child? Will someone tell me where God is now?

It says in the good book that no womb shall be barren (or something along the lines of that) and i believe that one day i will be pregnant, that God is behind all this, and i believe that these thoughts that God has deserted me will pass, but at this very moment, and this point in time, i truly feel like God has forgotten about me... Why am i so confused, why does this torment me so? And why oh why does it hurt so very much?

I know that i am not perfect, i know that i am no better than anyone else, but i live my life honestly and healthily.  I exercise every day, i eat rabbit food for lunch and dinner for pete's sake!  I've never smoked a cigarette, never done drugs, never abused my body in any manner, never been a slut, never had an abortion, my worst habit would be caffeine and gum... so again i ask WHY ME?

I sit here and i am just really feeling sorry for myself, and i know that after a good nights sleep i will find my faith again, but why is the world against me? What on earth have i done to deserve this crap? Or why do i sit here wondering why everyone else can have babies and i can't? (even though i know that last comment isn't true) or why do crack whores get babies and i don't? Or why on earth don't i get to have a mother, nor do i get to be a mother?  And why can't i just snap out of it, and forget about having babies altogether and live my life without them.  Or why was it me that drove past a woman with a child in a pram, a child holding onto the pram, she was about 8 months pregnant and smoking... could i NOT have noticed that? PL-EA-SE oh God!

I believe in God and everything that he offers to me, like my husband says - its what gets me through, but right now i am angry so very angry - and im not sure if that is allowed, but i am.  I want to cry out to the heavens and ask what the point of living your life as a good little christian girl is, doing work for charity, never doing drugs, never hurting anyone intentially, always trying the best you can, if what feels like God just throwing the whole thing back in your face and basically saying "I'd rather a drug addict raise one of my children then you"  its not what i believe in my heart of hearts, but it is what i feel.... And it makes me scared that such powerful emotions can be felt.