Religion

Day Thirty Six of 100 – It's just another day, but for me it is day 36…

October 28, 2009 0 Comments

Day 7 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily

For some reason today i’m not that inspired… Maybe it is because i am simply living my life at the moment? It is quite weird, i set out on my journey not looking really to gain anything, with just the thought that i would write down how i am feeling to maybe help me through my emotions personally. I never really imagined that 35 days later i would have many new friends and feel this content…

It’s like i dont feel alone anymore. I feel like no matter how hard it is, no matter how depressed i feel, there is someone, many ones out there thinking of me and hoping for me just as much as i am hoping for them.

It’s no secret that i am a woman of God, and i have found a different strength each day being able to pray for others instead of me, and my family. I have found that i have purpose being able to pray and hope for others in the same situation as me, a sense of purpose by giving little snippets of advise, trying to be funny, and also asking for help when i needed it.

And you know what? Who knew that the worst 36 days of my life, was really the best? And i know at the end of my 100 days, no matter the out come i will still be sitting here, saying the same thing, that the worst 100 days was really the best 100 days of my life.

Of course i have no idea what is going to happen in the next 64 days, at this point in time i am hoping that i will be sharing the first 64 days of my first pregnancy, and at Christmas finally telling everyone i have a “bun in the oven” but again, i dont know. I may be sitting here in 64 days crying over the fact that it is over, that i may never get to be a mom…Or that my 100 days will turn into 200 days?

And as my boss would say “where is the gift?” This is the adventure in it all i think, finding the gift and following the challenge i have set myself, giving myself something to keep me going emotionally and physically. Giving myself and believing in a “reason” for my infertility.

I have to say again, and i am sorry for repeating myself, but i really never imagined that i would get this far in so little time, feel this content, or feel like suddenly i am living my life again, trying new things, learning new things, giving little parts of me out to the wide world, making me feel like i have purpose and that i am not just an infertile waste of space….

And you helped me do that, and i really want to thank you for the past 36 days, and also the next 64…

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” Eleanor Roosevelt

Filed Under: FET Tagged With: FET, God, hope, inspiration, IVF, journey, pregnant, Religion, story

Day Seven of 100 – Has God found me?

September 29, 2009 0 Comments

Day five of IVF cycle – 150 iu’s FSH PLUS Orgalutran injection

I began my morning this morning by opening the Bible. Yes you heard right, i opened the Bible, it was there, and i said in my head “ill open it and hope that something relevant is infront of me” Well, well, well… there it was…

Jeremiah 12 (The Message)

What Makes You Think You Can Race Against Horses?

^1-4 You are right, O God, and you set things right. I can’t argue with that. But I do have some questions:
Why do bad people have it so good?
Why do con artists make it big?
You planted them and they put down roots.
They flourished and produced fruit.
They talk as if they’re old friends with you,
but they couldn’t care less about you.
Meanwhile, you know me inside and out.
You don’t let me get by with a thing!
Make them pay for the way they live,
pay with their lives, like sheep marked for slaughter.
How long do we have to put up with this—
the country depressed, the farms in ruin—
And all because of wickedness, these wicked lives?
Even animals and birds are dying off
Because they’ll have nothing to do with God
and think God has nothing to do with them.

Now i’m not sure what all this means, but when i read it i thought about my blog last week – Where are you God? I realise that i have left my thoughts somewhat unfinished… And i think the reason behind this is because i am torn.

When it comes to god and IVF i really am torn, and there is this sick feeling that comes with it. The feeling at the bottom of your stomach that makes you think what you are doing is wrong. Like guilt almost.

I am somewhat torn between logic and faith. Someone told me today that i cannot sit on the fence, that i have to put my heart into my faith, that to be a christian is to have full faith. I thought i did have full faith?

Why am i so torn? Why does logic win? Why does this internal debate make me sick? Do i even want the answers to these questions? Or maybe living on the fence in my naive way is what i want?

I’m honest – i’m scared, i’m worried that no matter how hard i try, how hard i pray, no matter how much i hope against hope, that God just doesnt want me to have a baby via IVF. Am i wasting our money? Am i wasting our time? and if i do fall again, will it be taken once more from me? And why can i not be satisfied with what i have? With waiting, with having faith that miracles can happen?

Am i denied a child because i self loath? Am i denied a child because there are bigger things for me? And what about my husband? Doesnt he deserve to make a baby with the one he loves?

I feel like i never had a family, like i want to be the family i never had. I want to believe in someone, give them strength, show them what i have learnt in life, show them an unconditional love, i want someone to learn from my mistakes, grow from my past. I want to feel what it is like to have a life grow inside of me – teach them, nurture them, hold them when they cry. And why should i be denied that? I dont want to be rich, i dont want to be famous, i dont want to be better than anyone else. I just want to have a child, someone to share my love i share with my husband.

What is it about faith that makes things so confusing? Shouldn’t it be clear? And what if it is clear and i not accepting it? What then? If it all ends now, what do i do, who am i, and where do i go from here? There are no answers, there are always only questions..

I cant stand it, that i feel so torn, i cant stant it that i cant have what i want, i cant stand it that it feels so unfair, and i cant stand it that i know i am not alone in these feelings.

I’m still angry and i am still hurt, and i am still sitting here looking for answers.

God gave somone the intellagence to be able to create the technique and the science behind IVF – if you look at the process, it really is a miracle, and even with all the technology in the world there is only that 40% chance you will fall pregnant…

And if got gave these people this intelligence, why shouldnt i make use of it? There is that old story about the drowning man, God sent a boat, a helicopter, and a diver, each time the man told the rescuer not too worry because God will save him… When he faced God upon death the man asks “why did you not save me” God answered “I tried, i sent a boat, a helicopter, and a diver, why did you choose not to be rescued?”

IVF has to be my boat, my helicopter, and IVF has to be my diver – i dont want to face God and ask why i was denied, only to be told that i didnt take his miracle given to me through my doctor, through the scientists, and through the medications and proceedures that people, his people, were wise enough to create. I want to try everything on this earth, that God has offered, everyone on this earth that God has offered to me, use all of the interlect, all of the hope in this world to go toward my little miracle.

I wish there was a way i could sum up my fears, a way that i could simply let go, feel more at peace with maybe not being a mother…

But there is not. This is what i want and i fear that i will do anything and everything to get it.

“Hope is knowing that sun has risen even when the clouds cover every ray of light”

Filed Under: IVF Tagged With: angry, answers, Baby, Beliefs, God, hope, IVF, Religion

Day One of 100 – Where are you God?

September 23, 2009 0 Comments

Today is Day One of the 100 Day count down, i don’t know what is going to happen, i don’t know where this blog will take us, all i know is that i am going to be honest because “Honesty is what the heart desires and the strongest of love, hope & faith comes only from honesty.”

dandelion in sunlight

I am a christian, i believe in God and i trust that there is a plan for me out there, that for some reason there is an explanation behind my infertility. That this is meant to make me a stronger person or something, my boss has told me on many occasions that i need to find the “gift” in this – i wish, what possible gift could come of this, what could i possibly learn from this? What reason is there behind denying a woman the right to conceive and carry a child? Will someone tell me where God is now?

It says in the good book that no womb shall be barren (or something along the lines of that) and i believe that one day i will be pregnant, that God is behind all this, and i believe that these thoughts that God has deserted me will pass, but at this very moment, and this point in time, i truly feel like God has forgotten about me… Why am i so confused, why does this torment me so? And why oh why does it hurt so very much?

I know that i am not perfect, i know that i am no better than anyone else, but i live my life honestly and healthily. I exercise every day, i eat rabbit food for lunch and dinner for pete’s sake! I’ve never smoked a cigarette, never done drugs, never abused my body in any manner, never been a slut, never had an abortion, my worst habit would be caffeine and gum… so again i ask WHY ME?

I sit here and i am just really feeling sorry for myself, and i know that after a good nights sleep i will find my faith again, but why is the world against me? What on earth have i done to deserve this crap? Or why do i sit here wondering why everyone else can have babies and i can’t? (even though i know that last comment isn’t true) or why do crack whores get babies and i don’t? Or why on earth don’t i get to have a mother, nor do i get to be a mother? And why can’t i just snap out of it, and forget about having babies altogether and live my life without them. Or why was it me that drove past a woman with a child in a pram, a child holding onto the pram, she was about 8 months pregnant and smoking… could i NOT have noticed that? PL-EA-SE oh God!

I believe in God and everything that he offers to me, like my husband says – its what gets me through, but right now i am angry so very angry – and im not sure if that is allowed, but i am. I want to cry out to the heavens and ask what the point of living your life as a good little christian girl is, doing work for charity, never doing drugs, never hurting anyone intentially, always trying the best you can, if what feels like God just throwing the whole thing back in your face and basically saying “I’d rather a drug addict raise one of my children then you” its not what i believe in my heart of hearts, but it is what i feel…. And it makes me scared that such powerful emotions can be felt.