Nine days ago, i was okay with this, i was ready to go beyond IVF, i was ready to accept life without TTC for a little while.  My sketch of hope, faith and love, of my life beyond this mess, gave me the inspiration i needed, i drew this last week when i had finally accepted that this was over...

But now today, all i can do is question why it had to be like this.  And again ask where are you God? Where are you now?  How can i possibly continue to have faith, to believe in miracles, when they are given to me and taken away... A dear dear friend of mine told me that God is not in the business of taking babies, he is in the business of making babies... Then why oh why am i going through this again?  What have i done to deserve this and why must i hurt like this again...?

Maybe i am counting my chickens before they hatch, maybe i have lost faith too early... but how can i not, how can i possibly have hope when all the signs are bad, when i am once again in so much pain?

This is the hardest thing i have ever had to write, because i know that i will be told that it is not true, but no matter what you say, no matter what i am told, i will never ever forgive myself ...

If i could go back in time, if i could take myself back a week, i would be able to stop myself from going for that run, and from doing that heavy workout, and maybe just maybe this woulnt have happened, maybe i would be sitting here writing how my life is so much better, how i am the happiest lady on the earth, but i am not, i am not because i made a mistake, i was scared a week ago, now i feel nothing but guilt.

I wish i knew why this was happening to me, and i wish i had answers, its not fair, it is just not fair, and no matter what i do, no matter how much i have faith, how much i believe, no matter how much i love God, and be the best i can be in Gods eyes, for some reason it is not enough, it is not meant to be, it is not my time...

I know i am headed beyond IVF and i have so much to look forward to, but for just one last time, i say - WHY ME? Why God are you taking this away from me, and why are you making this so hard for me?

And one last time i say grasping for one last breath of hope- maybe the chickens have been counted before they have hatched...

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be. Anon

To my dearest little miracle,

I am sorry, i am so very sorry. I thought i knew, i thought i was so sure that this was it, that this was the end, i thought it was over... I really thought i knew, i thought you wernt there... I thought this was the end for a while, i was ready to give up, but my little one i may be wrong, i may have taken you for granted.

How could i be so wrong, how could i not know? And how could i have been ready to give up? I am just so confused, so scared, so much in limbo land...

I want to have hope, i want to believe that this is it, that you are in me growing, alive and just waiting to meet me, but i finally got used to this being over, and now i am scared that if i hope, if i hold on to that little chance that this is my miracle, that you are here, i am scared that it wont be.  And if you are not, if i have ruined this chance because of my need to run and my need to push myself physically, because of my need to to all the things i was never meant to do, if i have broken this chance through stupidity - i know i will fall apart, and i am scared that i wont be able to pick my self up once more.

I love you my little one, and i promise that i will allow myself just a little bit of hope and faith for you. And my precious one i must confess to you that the other morning on my walk i dared God to show me a miracle.  Maybe this is God, proving to me that it is time for my miracle, and while day 99 nor day 100 of my search for you may not bring me certainty, it will bring me hope.  And in the end my love, this was a journey of hope, faith, and love...

Love from a mother that may never be

Hope, faith and love.  Without these three where would we be?

Day four of IVF cycle

Have you ever run until you cannot breath? Have you ever run down a hill with your arms spread out and your eyes closed tight?  Have you ever run so fast for so long that it hurts, run so fast that you cant see the path in front of you, run so fast that all you can think of is your next breath in, your next breath out, you cant continue because there is no air but you cant stop because you haven't got to the end of the road?

Have you ever watched a sad movie or a tv show that just sucks you in and then spits you out, but in the interim has completely involved you to the point that their pain is your pain, their tears are your tears, taken you from your sad reality into their even more upturned reality, only to send you back to a reality which still hurts, but seems silly for hurting?

Have you ever listened to a song over and over and over, screaming the words at the top of your lungs making each meaning your meaning...

Have you ever just broken down in tears, screamed in pain, felt the hurt deep from the bottom of your gut, felt like you cant go on, felt like there are no more tears to give, no more of you to give, like you just cant do this anymore?

I have.

Twice.

But i am still here. I am still here.

And somehow, somewhere deep inside, deeper than the hurt, i found enough hope to continue.

I am here. I dont know why, and i dont know how, but i am here...

Thank the Lord i am still here.

"I haven’t been to the ends of the earth and faced death – but I have felt pain.  I haven’t climbed the highest mountain or been to the moon – but I have felt happiness.  No matter the challenge, no matter the triumph so long as you have found some HOPE there is a future."