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Day 111 – Today i dare to hope…

January 11, 2010 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Seventeen… Day 44 in the final quest to chase our little miracle

To my dearest little miracle,

Today i dare to hope, i dare to believe, i dare to have the faith i should always have had.

My little miracle, i tell you no lies, i am scared like i have never been scared before. I want you more than anything on this earth, and today, today i dared to believe that i would have you, that i could have you, that you are really there inside of me growing into the perfect child i know you will be.

Today i imagined that a year from now i would be cherishing a moment with you, i dreamed that my miracle was real, and i shouted it to the world, i dared to hope that my miracle, you would be in my arms by my third wedding anniversary…

Today i put on paper the day, day 44 in my quest for you, day 44 of hope, day 44 of the most confusing roller coaster ride i have ever experienced… But if it means day 44 in the beginning of your life, i dont care, i wont leave this roller coaster ride until i have you safely in my arms…

My miracle once more i hold on to the quote, “when the world shouts ‘give up’… Hope whispers ‘one more time’”… You are my one more time, you are my miracle, you make me believe that all things are possible, and that love holds no boundaries… You are my hope… And i will always love you…

Love from a mother that may never be.

Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep believing, the dream that you wish will come true. Anon

Filed Under: Limbo Land, The Final Cycle, To my miracle Tagged With: answers, Beliefs, God, hope, inspiration, journey, miracle, pain, peace, questions, Religion, Sad

Day 110 – Lost and Confused…

January 10, 2010 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Fifteen

Have you ever looked at yourself and hated what you looked like, hated how you feel, hated what you had become, just hated it? Have you ever felt so lost and confused, so up and down, so many emotions that it makes you so confused that you end up hating yourself?

Have you ever just wanted to curl up and cry, cry away your pain, cry till you couldnt cry anymore, cry and scream like no one was watching, cry until it was all ok, and you got what you wanted?

Have you ever woken up and not known who you are anymore, not known how you got to where you were and not know what you will do now? Woken up and felt like you should just go back to sleep, back to a blank screen, back to where everything is possible, and hope is never taken from you, where dreams are created, and where peace is guaranteed?

Have you ever wondered why this journey is such a roller coaster ride, why it couldnt have been easier, and why you were the once chosen to suffer from this kind of pain? Have you ever just looked out into the sky and wondered when it is exactly that you will get your hope back, when this part of the journey will be over, when this will stop, when you will just be able to forget your woes and smile just because the sky is blue?

Have you ever wondered why yesterday you were ok, and today you are not? Why yesterday you had the peace of mind that no matter the outcome you would be ok, but today you are scared, lost, and so confused you cant even get out of bed?

Have you ever just wanted to turn the switch off?

Have you ever just wanted nothing more than answers, hope in tomorrow, want to like who you are, wanted this pain to stop, and wanted your life to stop being in limbo land.

Have you ever just wanted one thing, one thing that is the thing you never expected that you would have to beg and plead for?

I just want peace and happiness, to have faith in tomorrow, and to know exactly where i stand in this world, so i can begin to find out who i am once more.

Peace is not something you wish for; It’s something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away. Robert Fulghum

Filed Under: Have you ever?, Limbo Land, The Final Cycle Tagged With: angry, answers, emotions, Fertility, journey, pain, peace, pregnant, questions, Religion, Sad

Day 107 – Faith isnt faith until it is all you are holding on to…

January 7, 2010 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Twelve

I have lost hope, and i have lost my spirit, all i constantly think, is i cant take this anymore, i dont understand the pain, and i dont understand why so many people have to go through this and worse, and i hate the fact that going through this has made me bitter, that it has changed me, that i have lost my carefree spirit, i hate all those things and much much more…

I have to have faith i keep telling myself, i have to believe in miracles, i have to believe i will be ok… That for some stupid reason there is purpose to my pain…

But when will i be ok? When does it stop hurting? When and how does my mind turn from i hate this, to i believe, from i cant focus on anything else, to i have complete faith?

When will i stop crying myself to sleep?

I want to have faith, but it hurts

I want to be ok, but im not

I want to believe, but all i see is suffering

I need a miracle

I need to see something that will once more make me believe that there is something wonderful out there, a reason, a purpose, something for me to have hope for, something for me to live for.

I need a miracle

I know deep down i want nothing more than to have complete and utter faith… Faith that i will get over this, faith that my life will go on for the next six months without me questioning my decisions, faith that my relationship will be ok, faith that i will be ok, faith that i will find hope again, faith that my lost spirit will come back to me, faith that i will one day look at myself and like who i see, faith that there are options, and more than anything i want faith that i will one day feel my own child growing inside of me…

But its so hard, it is just so hard…

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and Hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Filed Under: Limbo Land, The Final Cycle Tagged With: angry, answers, Baby, Beliefs, emotions, Fertility, Frustrated, God, hurt, pain, peace, questions, Sad

Day 106 – Yet another Wordfull Wordless Wednesday

January 6, 2010 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Eleven

Nine days ago, i was okay with this, i was ready to go beyond IVF, i was ready to accept life without TTC for a little while. My sketch of hope, faith and love, of my life beyond this mess, gave me the inspiration i needed, i drew this last week when i had finally accepted that this was over…

But now today, all i can do is question why it had to be like this. And again ask where are you God? Where are you now? How can i possibly continue to have faith, to believe in miracles, when they are given to me and taken away… A dear dear friend of mine told me that God is not in the business of taking babies, he is in the business of making babies… Then why oh why am i going through this again? What have i done to deserve this and why must i hurt like this again…?

Maybe i am counting my chickens before they hatch, maybe i have lost faith too early… but how can i not, how can i possibly have hope when all the signs are bad, when i am once again in so much pain?

This is the hardest thing i have ever had to write, because i know that i will be told that it is not true, but no matter what you say, no matter what i am told, i will never ever forgive myself …

If i could go back in time, if i could take myself back a week, i would be able to stop myself from going for that run, and from doing that heavy workout, and maybe just maybe this woulnt have happened, maybe i would be sitting here writing how my life is so much better, how i am the happiest lady on the earth, but i am not, i am not because i made a mistake, i was scared a week ago, now i feel nothing but guilt.

I wish i knew why this was happening to me, and i wish i had answers, its not fair, it is just not fair, and no matter what i do, no matter how much i have faith, how much i believe, no matter how much i love God, and be the best i can be in Gods eyes, for some reason it is not enough, it is not meant to be, it is not my time…

I know i am headed beyond IVF and i have so much to look forward to, but for just one last time, i say – WHY ME? Why God are you taking this away from me, and why are you making this so hard for me?

And one last time i say grasping for one last breath of hope- maybe the chickens have been counted before they have hatched…

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be. Anon

Filed Under: After IVF, Limbo Land, The Final Cycle, Wordless Wednesday Tagged With: angry, answers, Beliefs, emotions, IVF, pain, period, pregnant, questions, Religion, run, Sad, story

Day Ninety Nine of 100 – The Real Limbo Land

December 30, 2009 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Four

To my dearest little miracle,

I am sorry, i am so very sorry. I thought i knew, i thought i was so sure that this was it, that this was the end, i thought it was over… I really thought i knew, i thought you wernt there… I thought this was the end for a while, i was ready to give up, but my little one i may be wrong, i may have taken you for granted.

How could i be so wrong, how could i not know? And how could i have been ready to give up? I am just so confused, so scared, so much in limbo land…

I want to have hope, i want to believe that this is it, that you are in me growing, alive and just waiting to meet me, but i finally got used to this being over, and now i am scared that if i hope, if i hold on to that little chance that this is my miracle, that you are here, i am scared that it wont be. And if you are not, if i have ruined this chance because of my need to run and my need to push myself physically, because of my need to to all the things i was never meant to do, if i have broken this chance through stupidity – i know i will fall apart, and i am scared that i wont be able to pick my self up once more.

I love you my little one, and i promise that i will allow myself just a little bit of hope and faith for you. And my precious one i must confess to you that the other morning on my walk i dared God to show me a miracle. Maybe this is God, proving to me that it is time for my miracle, and while day 99 nor day 100 of my search for you may not bring me certainty, it will bring me hope. And in the end my love, this was a journey of hope, faith, and love…

Love from a mother that may never be

Hope, faith and love. Without these three where would we be?

Filed Under: Limbo Land, To my miracle Tagged With: answers, Baby, Beliefs, children, Embryo, emotions, God, hope, inspiration, journey, pregnant, questions, Religion, run, Sad, story

Day Ninety Three of 100 – Christmas has come..

December 24, 2009 0 Comments

Day twenty six of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle… Crinone 8% once daily

Christmas has come, in seven days the year will be done, and in 6 days i will know where 2010 is destined to take me…

This is my 28th christmas eve, and it sometimes amazes me that at this time of year, i always seem to think back on years past and remember what i was doing.

I dont remember a lot from my past but i do remember the Christmas’s my family and i celebrated in Paris, and even then it is quite hazy. There is one christmas i treasure with all my heart but i remember it only because i have this silly photo of my sister and i in these silly princes costumes my mother made for us.

I remember that christmas because it was the year our mother made so many costumes for us, and my sister and i played for years and years with the dress ups, and we always had so much fun creating characters, and showing our mother little skits that we had come up with, ok ok skits that my sister had come up with and had made me her little actor that she got to ‘direct’

I would have been about 7 or 8 and i remember i also got a little something extra that year. My mother made me a cape. I just loved that cape, it was navy blue on the outside and red on the inside. It was the same one that my favorite cartoon character wore, i have no idea what that cartoon was called but i remember that it was a woman in a cape that swung from building to building saving the world.

That year i also had begun having nightmares. Specifically one about a crocodile chasing me in the forest, but i couldnt run.

One night not long after christmas i got one of these nightmares again, my mother of course came running to my room to calm me down, only this time she brought my cape. she wrapped the cape around me and told me that i was this cartoon character and that i could fight the crocodile and that i didnt have to be scared because i was a super hero now that i had my cape on.

And right now i am sitting here with tear steaming down my face, memories coming flooding back, and i am wish so hard, so hard, that i had remembered this story when my mother was still alive, so that i could have said thank you.

Thank yo for watching those stupid shows my sister made me do, thank you for spending hours making a silly cape just so i could sleep at night, thank you for staying with me and stroking my hair until i feel to sleep, telling me that i was a strong super hero, thank you for taking the time to think of something that would help me sleep, and most of all thank you for giving me memories that i now treasure with all my heart.

If it is one thing i have leart in my life, it is that christmas is for memories, so this year, no matter the situation, no matter the heart ache you have faced, no matter the physical or emotional pain you are in, no matter what the future holds, stop, just stop and breath and remember that tonight is the eve of when Christ was born, and no matter how old or young you are, Christ is watching out for you making sure that these years are the years you will remember and have memories to cherish for the rest of your lifetime.

I pray that you and your families have the most joyous and memorable christmas. Rremember that 2010 is going to be a great year, so put away your woes, raise your glasses and toast to the best last week of the worst year.

Merry Christmas.

Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time. ~Laura Ingalls Wilder

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: Beliefs, children, emotions, hope, inspiration, IVF, peace, relationship, Sad, story

Day Eighty of 100 – This is not the end, this is part of the journey

December 11, 2009 0 Comments

Day fourteen of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle - 100 iu’s FSH plus Orgalutran injection

To my dearest little miracle,

Last night your father and i argued. We have both had enough i think. Last night i said things i really didnt mean, and i said things that hurt. I mostly never mean what i say when im hurting and when i am angry, but i am sad to say that there has just been way to much of that latley.

Your father never really talks that much, and sometimes that scares me as i never know what he is really feeling. He loves me i know that, and i love him more than words will ever express, but right now, this is getting way over our heads.

Your father said something to me last night, that reminded me of the beginning of this journey, of the hope and of the faith that this journey is meant to be about.

When we started this journey i told him that i didnt want to turn into that crazy lady that gives up everything and everyone just chasing a miracle… I have turned into that crazy lady, and now your father is the one suffering.

I am writting this letter to tell you that we are not giving up, and your father made that abundantly clear, this is not the end. This is simply the begining of another journey that we will take together. And while last nite i said that nothing is going to make me happy but you, i know that there are things that will distract me and make me happy while i am waiting for you to come along.

Of course i pray that you are one of the little eggs growing inside of me now, waiting to be removed, grown, and put back in me… But if your not, if your not meant to come now, i have set myself some new year resoloutions.

Ive never done that before, but this year, next year, i need it. I need to be who i was, i need to stop hating myself and my life, and i need more than anything to move on, to believe and have utter faith that you will come in your own time, to accept this life that the Lord has given me, and to stop challenging and questioning the misery.

I know you are there, somewhere out there, and i do nothing now but let this be, and get back to who i was, otherwise i wont be able to be a good mother to you, and this jouney will have gone in vein.

I love you and i am not giving up, but your father and i need to find ourselves once more, and find peace within.

Love always from a mother that may never be.

Filed Under: The Final Cycle, To my miracle Tagged With: angry, answers, emotions, hope, IVF, journey, questions, Sad

Day Fifty Eight of 100 – The future is yours to see…

November 19, 2009 0 Comments

Day 29 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progesterone pessaries 3x daily

I wish i had a crystal ball, i wish i could know what was to come

I wish i had a crystal ball, for then I would know just how to cope

I wish i had a crystal ball so i knew just what was waiting for me

I wish i had a crystal ball so i knew i could withstand this pain and i wish i had a crystal ball so i knew just where this pain would end

I wish i had a crystal ball, for then I would know how long this journey would last…

If i just had that crystal ball i know i would have some peace within

And if i had that crystal ball, i would know not too worry for the crystal ball would tell me that everything was going to be okay and the crystal ball would let me know that i wouldnt have to wish this wasnt me anymore…

“They say the future is yours to see, but really the future is a confusing mystery…”

Filed Under: FET Tagged With: answers, Frustrated, inspiration, journey, pain, Sad

Day Thirteen of 100 – The top ten emotions you should most watch out for while on IVF hormones

October 5, 2009 0 Comments

D rollercoaster ay eleven of IVF cycle - THE BIGGEST ROLLER COASTER RIDE YET!

125 iu’s FSH, Orgalutran injection PLUS Overdril (trigger injection), three needles tonight, feeling tired bloated, sick, at the limits of my pain threshold, emotions running wild… but thats it, after 8.30pm tonight, no more needles! Yip, yip, yippie! Egg pickup only 36 hours away… quality not quantity nurse rachael says… we want quality… and i am praying for good little googy eggs…

So today was a BAD day, i was sick, sore, extraordinarily busy and very very hormonal… and in my frazzled state of mind i may have accidentally overreacted, so in honor of a twenty year friendship down the tube due to hormones i have decided to pass on what i have discovered today for all to learn from…

The top ten emotions that will sneak up on you at any given moment, while you are on an IVF cycle are:

Depression: despair, sadness, misery, hopelessness, gloominess, melancholy, dejection, unhappiness…
Regret: feel sorry, disappointment, apologetic, repentant, remorseful, shame…
Frustration: aggravation, irritation, disturbance, annoyance, dissatisfaction…
Anxiety: nervous, worried, concerned, uneasy, apprehensive, restless, fretful, fearful…
Confusion: bewilderment, perplexity, puzzlement, uncertainty, misunderstanding…
Excitement: enthusiasm, thrill, anticipation…
Inspired: encouraged, motivated, enthused, stimulated, stirred, moved…
Joy: delight, happiness, pleasure, enjoyment, bliss, elation, thrill…
Anger: annoyance, irritation, fury, rage…
Overreacting: exaggerate, dramatize, be melodramatic, over the top, react excessively…

While these emotion are not uncommon to anyone else on this planet, the difference between emotions, and IVF emotions are that they are not only felt 1,000,000 times more powerfully. They are ALL felt in a very short time frame, and all jumbled up intermingled with each other, eating your brain up, consuming every thought you have…

A prime example of this was demonstrated today. The emotional roller coaster of me all began at 9.46am with an email, yes an email sent me mad today, and as the message went back and forth, and back and forth, and back again, well this is what transpired emotionally…

9.46am – Inspired

10.31am – Frustrated

10.46am – Angery

10.50am – At this point i think i overreacted

11.01am – Then came the regret

11.31am – Then AGAIN Frustrated

11.43am – And a little more regret

11.58am – Then Confusion

12.01pm – Joy, only given by the fact that it was lunch time)

12.28pm – Then back to the desk and it hits: Depression

1.03pm – Then the REAL feelings and emotions emerged…

1.04pm – misunderstanding excitement depression sadness misery hopelessness melancholy dejection unhappiness regret feel sorry elation disappointment apologetic repentant remorseful shame aggravation irritation disturbance dissatisfaction anxiety nervous worried concerned uneasy apprehensive despair restless fretful fearful confusion uncertainty thrill anticipation inspired encouraged enthused stimulated stirred moved joy delight happiness thrill anger annoyance irritation fury rage overreacting exaggerate dramatize be melodramatic over the top bewilderment perplexity puzzlement pleasure enjoyment bliss frustration react excessively annoyance gloominess enthusiasm motivated….

1.06pm – if u cant tell i am hormonal, at work, busy, & MY OVARIES HURT! Bloody hell! And still the rest of the day to survive…

5.23pm – i survived, i made it through the day! Unfortunately my BF of 20yrs is no longer talking to me, and doesnt understand that the emotions i felt today, and the reactions that occurred were somewhat out of my control. I wish i could say that i have learnt something, and i wish that i could say that i will never ever overreact again, but chances are i will. There are still many more hormones to be pumped into my body over the next three weeks, and still many more emotions that i will feel 100 times more powerfully then i expect. I feel that i cannot live in regret, what happened today happened, they way i acted may have seemed inexcusable, and i am truly sorry for hurting someone i love, but in the end i shouldn’t have to be anyone but myself i can’t help it, i am who i am. I’ve done nothing recently but bare my soul and be honest about who and what i am. If the truth that comes in the way of hormone enhanced emotions cannot be handled, then so be it. I tired, and i think i failed, but

“The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall.” Vince Lombardi

Filed Under: IVF, Top Ten Tagged With: angry, answers, emotions, Frustrated, hope, hormones, injection, inspiration, IVF, journey, Needles, Sad

Day Five of100 – The intense situation continues

September 27, 2009 0 Comments

Day three of IVF cycle – 150 iu’s FSH

Day 18… We made it to embryo transfer -wohooo!

“We may run, walk, stumble, drive or fly. But let us never lose sight of the reason for the journey, or miss a chance to see a rainbow along the way.” Gloria Gaither

Day 18 – Meeting with the scientist before the transfer. Before the appointment i was told to drink about a litre of water for a full bladder. So today of all days the doctor was about half an hour late, and at this point i was about to wet my pants! Before the transfer was the meeting with the scientist, who showed me the one, yes thats right out of 16 follicles, 8 eggs, five fertilised, only one embryo survived the distance! HOW ON EARTH DO PEOPLE FALL PREGNANT BY ACCIDENT?

The transfer consisted of having my legs in stirips for about half an hour with a doctor, a nurse, and a scientist playing around in my uterus while i desperately tried not to pee on them, after all that there was an embryo inside of me… YEAH – now the 10 day wait begins…

During my ten days i not only pondered the meaning of life, i wondered about what i would do if this didnt work, would i go on? Maybe i would become a baker (dont ask!) maybe we would move to the sunshine coast, maybe i would move to the sunshine coast, start a new life… But then this predicament would surly come around again. I also managed to not only run into another car, but i got myself a large parking ticket and almost watched my car be towed away… Maybe i should become a local baker and walk to work, anything has got to be better than this.

Day 28 – Blood test day, i have told this story before – Friday 4th September the emotions were just so overwhelming, i thought all my dreams had come true… But it just wasnt meant to be. Was God taking away what i shouldnt have endeavored into? Was i being punished once more for something i had done in a previous life? Why? Why me? Why give me my miracle then take it away? What have i done to deserve this? What has my husband and i done to deserve this?

I couldnt figure out my emotions, just as i still can not figure out my emotions right now. I am sick of being confused, i am sick of being scared that i am doing the wrong thing, i am sick of it all, sick of having to watch every penny, sick of worrying if we will be able to afford this next time, sick of telling my husband that he cant spend any money. Sick of thinking that i am going to send us both broke because of my need, my desire to have children, sick of thinking that it wont happen anyway, sick of making out that my biggest concern in life is whether or not to put one or two embryo’s back in. Just sick, sick like i want to vomit.

The saying says that we shouldnt miss the rainbow along the way – maybe people are learning from me, maybe for some reason this is my time to help someone, maybe this is my time to repay my sister for all she has done for me over my life, by showing her how blessed she is, maybe it is my time to learn how to deal with my emotions, maybe it is my time to figure out my feelings from the past, bring everything to the surface and release it before i continue on. But what if it is not, what if it is all just a horrible horrible irreversible joke?

What if my life, my very existence – is just a joke?

Where would the rainbow be then?