I am lost for words tonight, i thought that i knew how i felt, i thought i was scared about tomorrow, i thought i knew who i was and what i thought, and then i received an honest opinion…

I realized that this is what i really needed tonight. Something that made me look at my inner most thoughts, my worries, my pain, what i have wanted, and the way i have looked at myself…

Someone to guide me, to let me know that things are ok – but to just take another look.  I realized that everything that i was told was true, that sometimes i fear the worst for unjust reasons, that sometimes i look at myself with an eye of hate, and that sometimes when i doubt what i have, i give reason to let the devil in.

And i think that today, that has been the best gift…

Learning that through my words, i can receive advice.  Learning that i can be healed if i just ask, learning that i am not alone, and that there are wonderful people out there just waiting to help me, to guide me, and to strengthen my faith…

To accept good advice is but to increase one’s own ability. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Ahhh i am so frustrated! My day has been so busy and hectic and all i want to do is upload a video and it is taking for ages and i feel like i am going to pop!

I am mega busy at work, mega busy when i get home, mega busy on the weekends, where has my year gone, where is my life going? in 17 days i will be 27 and im STILL NOT PREGNANT! POO TO THE WHOLE WORLD!

I am not sad today, not inspirational, not insightful, nothing, just frustrated!  I am sitting here trying to be creative and trying to come up with things to write about that will be informative to other IVF patients, but i just cant…

When your on these hormones it is like everything is doubled, tripeled, just f**k**g multiplied to a bajillion, i feel like i’ve had about a thousand cups of coffee and i just have the irrits to the extreme…. ekkk i am so mad.

I know it is the hormones because i was calm this time last week, and there is no need for me to be so strung, its only a diary entry, and who cares if its not perfect, its my thoughts and feelings and the whole idea of it was to release my feelings so here you go…

WARNING:- EMOTIONAL RELEASE..

HUMPH BLOODY HELL HUMPH ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG………..EKKKKKKK RRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHH HUMPH BLOODY HELL HUMPH ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG………..EKKKKKKK RRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AND POOP AGAIN TO PCOS!

PS – No quote today, too bloody mad for a quote…

Day 18… We made it to embryo transfer -wohooo!

“We may run, walk, stumble, drive or fly.  But let us never lose sight of the reason for the journey, or miss a chance to see a rainbow along the way.”  Gloria Gaither

Day 18 – Meeting with the scientist before the transfer.  Before the appointment i was told to drink about a litre of water for a full bladder. So today of all days the doctor was about half an hour late, and at this point i was about to wet my pants!  Before the transfer was the meeting with the scientist, who showed me the one, yes thats right out of 16 follicles, 8 eggs, five fertilised, only one embryo survived the distance! HOW ON EARTH DO PEOPLE FALL PREGNANT BY ACCIDENT?

The transfer consisted of having my legs in stirips for about half an hour with a doctor, a nurse, and a scientist playing around in my uterus while i desperately tried not to pee on them, after all that there was an embryo inside of me… YEAH – now the 10 day wait begins…

During my ten days i not only pondered the meaning of life, i wondered about what i would do if this didnt work, would i go on?  Maybe i would become a baker (dont ask!) maybe we would move to the sunshine coast, maybe i would move to the sunshine coast, start a new life… But then this predicament would surly come around again.  I also managed to not only run into another car, but i got myself a large parking ticket and almost watched my car be towed away… Maybe i should become a local baker and walk to work, anything has got to be better than this.

Day 28 – Blood test day, i have told this story before – Friday 4th September the emotions were just so overwhelming, i thought all my dreams had come true… But it just wasnt meant to be.  Was God taking away what i shouldnt have endeavored into?  Was i being punished once more for something i had done in a previous life? Why? Why me? Why give me my miracle then take it away? What have i done to deserve this? What has my husband and i done to deserve this?

I couldnt figure out my emotions, just as i still can not figure out my emotions right now.  I am sick of being confused, i am sick of being scared that i am doing the wrong thing, i am sick of it all, sick of having to watch every penny, sick of worrying if we will be able to afford this next time, sick of telling my husband that he cant spend any money. Sick of thinking that i am going to send us both broke because of my need, my desire to have children, sick of thinking that it wont happen anyway, sick of making out that my biggest concern in life is whether or not to put one or two embryo’s back in.  Just sick, sick like i want to vomit.

The saying says that we shouldnt miss the rainbow along the way – maybe people are learning from me, maybe for some reason this is my time to help someone, maybe this is my time to repay my sister for all she has done for me over my life, by showing her how blessed she is, maybe it is my time to learn how to deal with my emotions, maybe it is my time to figure out my feelings from the past, bring everything to the surface and release it before i continue on.  But what if it is not, what if it is all just a horrible horrible irreversible joke?

What if my life, my very existence – is just a joke?

Where would the rainbow be then?

So today it starts, my first appointment was this afternoon, my second cycle begins…  I am just so excited i could burst!

So with 97 days in the count, and my second cycle on its way, i finally give you some of the finer details of my story.

September / October 2008 – Stop taking contraception, no period.

December – January 2009/2009 – Hmm still no period, and many many many negative pregnancy tests

February 2009 – STILL no period, this is weird. GP appointment, internal scans, blood tests.  Results of blood test came back with low FSH and LH levels, my GP then referred me to a gyno.  I actually thought it was just going to be a gyno gyno, not a fertility clinic!

March 2009 – Imagine my surprise when i rocked up at the gyno and it was a fertility clinic!

March 2009 – Meet my fabulous and caring Dr J. (or so i reckon anyway!) Had a few scans, which basically confirmed that i had poly cystic ovareries, which to this date i still dont fully understand, all i know is that i dont ovulate. Dr J. suggested we use clomid, and go with IUI’s (intrauterine insemination) for the best possible outcome.

April 2009 – First IUI, first two week wait, lots and lots of praying.  No pregnancy, but on the positive side, my first period in more than 6 months! And who gets pregnant the first month they try anyway?

May 2009 – Second IUI, second two week wait, i even believe i had a little bit of anxiety. But no pregnancy we continue on, but this time, the clomid didnt work, and i had used FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) injections to get me to the point of ovulation.  So my third cycle begun with a double dose of the clomid.

June 2009 – The double dose of clomid didnt work, so back onto the FSH, because of the poly cystic ovaries and my resistance to the drugs, it was becoming harder and harder to stimulate just one to two follicles.  But we got there and went for our third IUI.  At this point the Dr had mentioned that we should think about IVF as this would give us a better outcome, we wern’t ready to go there and were still hoping against hope that the IUI’s would work.  But it didn’t.

July 2009 – Got reffered to get my tubes tested, i forget the name of the test, but my tubes are fine, and the reffering doctor suggested that IUI’s were the best way to go.  So we decided to give the IUI’s one more chance, again my body became more resilient to the hormones, and it took 20 days to stimulate the follicle, the Dr at this point told us that if it doesnt work we should really consider doing an IVF cycle, so we went  to the IVF meeting with the clinic nurses.

August 2009 – Fourth IUI failed, no surprises there.  So here we go, a fully stimulated IVF cycle….

“When I look back at where I’ve been, I see that what I am becoming is a whole lot further down the road from where I was.”  Gloria Guithes

I can tell you that now that i have put it on paper, i am a whole lot further along the road from where i was, it has been hard, and i often ponder the thought that i went to see the doctor too soon, maybe i would have ovulated by my own, maybe maybe maybe.  But then again, logic says that my ovaries are stuffed, and they need help.  So here we are, tomorrow is another day, and another post, and for now i’m off and will continue my story then…