I hope this post is not taken the wrong way  - but i am a little frustrated, and mostly with myself.

I am feeling fat.  Under normal circumstances i would go for a run, a fast, long and hard run.  But i can not, and for good reasons - and i dont mind that fact, but it doesnt change the fact that i feel fat.

Last year i was so disciplined with myself, i wouldnt eat anything unhealthy, no chocolate, no lollies, no carbs - i was awesome!

But this year slowly as the infertility issues got worse and with each hopeful proceedure, i began eating more and working out a little less as hard.  i had the excuse of - ill be pregnant so it wont matter.

Now a year later. and i think i am about 5kg heavier, and right now, at this second,  am just feeling fat.

I have once again, like many other, and like i have in the past, fallen victim to "emotional eating"

I have infact just finished two plates of apple crumble and ice cream.

I look at myself sometimes and think "what have i done?"

Why cant i just stop myself from eating? Why am i victim to these eating habits again? Why does food make me feel so good?

And if i cant stop myself now, how will i control it when i am pregnant and after i have my child...

i plan to go for a walk when it cools down this afternoon - but it is not enough.  Why did i do that? eat two serves of apple crumble?

And why do i care so much?

I am not disgustingly unhealthy - most of the time i eat wholemeal and soy... It really just is the weekend...

I really wish that i could get rid of my 'appearance issues' .. they will have to go quickly when i begin to grow a belly...

Oh i dont know, i really really dont know anymore, i know i am just silly, i know that i am being stupid, but honestly i do sometimes look at myself and wish that it wasnt a struggle for me.

What should i do? How do i approach my body fears? And how can i get over my emotional eating habits, before i loath myself?

What would you do?

“How things look on the outside of us depends on how things are on the inside of us.” Anon

Today as i watched a tv show where a woman had a miscarrage,  i was reminded of an interview i watched on a morning show called Sunrise a few months ago.(watch the interview  here - the bit i am talking about is 2mins 40 seconds into it).

It made me really being to think, when i am upset, so heart wrenchingly upset about my loss when the IVF doesnt work, am i mourning the death of my embryo because i have lost one of my babies, or am i morning simply becuase it didnt work and i have to do this process again?

It may sound stupid, and this may pose so many ethical questions, but when is a baby a baby? Where and when does human life begin?

When i miscarried after a few days, what was i mourning, did i loose a child? I didnt really think about it at the time, as i was so upset, but now, now i do feel like i have lost a part of me, and agiain i am not sure if that is because i am 'dying' to fall pregnant and have a child, or because i really did lose a part of me.

I have spoken to my stomach a number if times since friday, i have written a post my child i am getting ready for you my husband and i have a name that we call our embie already, but this again causes conflict in my mind, because we called the one that miscarried, the same thing.

And what about all the other frozens out there (i only have one left) what about the two last month that didnt make it? They could have been my children, three have been wasted already! Gone, dead and gone.

The IVF ethics are nearly as contraversal as the abortion ethics - when is a child a child? When does human life begin? And what are we doing here, messing with nature?

When we first looked at our contract with the clinic, it did go over specifics like if we broke up, if one of us died etc. And we didnt take the topic lightly, i thought about it for weeks. Wondering what we would do if this happened or if that happened.

How i would feel if another woman had my child in her belly...

How he would feel if another man brought up my child..

How we would both feel if we knew somewhere out there, there may or may not be a child alive that is genetically ours.

I decided in my heart i couldnt handle it. It is either together or not at all.

But then again, as we progress along this journey, i dont know, i just dont know anymore, how do you 'dispose' of something that could be a child, a baby, someone that you always dreamed of meeting?

I dont expect ever to get answers, and i dont expect that everyone could possibly understand, some may laugh, because we are ultimatly talking about something that is not visable with the naked eye, something that is a combination of cells - but to me and DH that combination of cells, that could be our child, the one we always dreamed of, the one that we have spent the last year, dreaming, hoping, desiring, and praying for every day.

“Life is an unanswered question, but let's still believe in the dignity and importance of the question” Tennessee Williams