Day 109 – Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst

Limbo Land Day Fourteen

There comes a point i think when one just must go on… Decide that whatever will be will be, because in the end there is nothing you can do, no way that you can change things, nothing that you can do to physicality change the outcome…

I know that if the outcome of this waiting, of this limbo land, is negative, i will be devistated, there is nothing i can do for myself to change that.  But in saying that, i can act now to help myself pick myself up again.  And that is what i am doing.

I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

Yesterday and last night my boobs stoped hurting,and my husband even commented that they had shrunk, and i know in reality this means that the HCG hormone levels must have dropped.  I want to hope and i want to believe that this may still be my miracle, and after yesterday i will never stop believing in miracles, and i will try my hardest not to doubt Gods plan, but i am a realist, and i am not naive, i know that on monday my blood work will have confirmed the enevadible.

It is funny because last week, all i wanted was for my levels to drop and this to be over… I prayed that my boobs would stop hurting and that i could just go back to normaility…  But after i saw that ultrasound, after i saw just an ounce of hope, it was like my world changed, and i wanted the levels to stay, i wanted my boobs to hurt….

On thursday i said i needed a miracle to go on, i saw one on friday, and today on saturday even though the outcome looks bleak, because i got the miracle i asked for, i know in my heart that it will be okay, and that the future is what it is and i cant change it, i just have to find enough faith and courage inside of me, and know that i will be ok, and one day, one day, i will hold my miracle, and know that it truly was a miracle…

We can only appreciate the miracle of a sunrise if we have waited in the darkness

Day Eleven of 100 – The 10 things they should warn you before your first IVF appointment

Day nine of IVF cycle – 125 iu’s FSH PLUS Orgalutran injection, today i was on bed rest, 15 follicles on my RHS gave me quite a lot of pain.  I have been quite concerned with this OHSS and am praying for good quality eggs for my retrieval on wednesday.  In hope to ease my worry i have compiled my list of the ten things they should warn you before your first IVF appointment…

That first appointment, the one where you are waiting in anticipation, excited about the hope that there is something that can be done about the fact that you haven’t had a period in – when was the last time i had my period?

It is at this point one of the nurses should give you a beautifully decorated piece of paper that says the following:-

10 things

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying where there seemed to be no HOPE at all.”  Dale Carnegie

Day Three of 100 – Details details details…

Day One of IVF cycle – 150 iu’s of FSH


So today it starts, my first appointment was this afternoon, my second cycle begins…  I am just so excited i could burst!

So with 97 days in the count, and my second cycle on its way, i finally give you some of the finer details of my story.

September / October 2008 – Stop taking contraception, no period.

December – January 2009/2009 – Hmm still no period, and many many many negative pregnancy tests

February 2009 – STILL no period, this is weird. GP appointment, internal scans, blood tests.  Results of blood test came back with low FSH and LH levels, my GP then referred me to a gyno.  I actually thought it was just going to be a gyno gyno, not a fertility clinic!

March 2009 – Imagine my surprise when i rocked up at the gyno and it was a fertility clinic!

March 2009 – Meet my fabulous and caring Dr J. (or so i reckon anyway!) Had a few scans, which basically confirmed that i had poly cystic ovareries, which to this date i still dont fully understand, all i know is that i dont ovulate. Dr J. suggested we use clomid, and go with IUI’s (intrauterine insemination) for the best possible outcome.

April 2009 – First IUI, first two week wait, lots and lots of praying.  No pregnancy, but on the positive side, my first period in more than 6 months! And who gets pregnant the first month they try anyway?

May 2009 – Second IUI, second two week wait, i even believe i had a little bit of anxiety. But no pregnancy :( we continue on, but this time, the clomid didnt work, and i had used FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) injections to get me to the point of ovulation.  So my third cycle begun with a double dose of the clomid.

June 2009 – The double dose of clomid didnt work, so back onto the FSH, because of the poly cystic ovaries and my resistance to the drugs, it was becoming harder and harder to stimulate just one to two follicles.  But we got there and went for our third IUI.  At this point the Dr had mentioned that we should think about IVF as this would give us a better outcome, we wern’t ready to go there and were still hoping against hope that the IUI’s would work.  But it didn’t.

July 2009 – Got reffered to get my tubes tested, i forget the name of the test, but my tubes are fine, and the reffering doctor suggested that IUI’s were the best way to go.  So we decided to give the IUI’s one more chance, again my body became more resilient to the hormones, and it took 20 days to stimulate the follicle, the Dr at this point told us that if it doesnt work we should really consider doing an IVF cycle, so we went  to the IVF meeting with the clinic nurses.

August 2009 – Fourth IUI failed, no surprises there.  So here we go, a fully stimulated IVF cycle….

“When I look back at where I’ve been, I see that what I am becoming is a whole lot further down the road from where I was.”  Gloria Guithes

I can tell you that now that i have put it on paper, i am a whole lot further along the road from where i was, it has been hard, and i often ponder the thought that i went to see the doctor too soon, maybe i would have ovulated by my own, maybe maybe maybe.  But then again, logic says that my ovaries are stuffed, and they need help.  So here we are, tomorrow is another day, and another post, and for now i’m off and will continue my story then…